The Mercenary Critic
by Sovereign64
Summary: Parody of the Nostalgia Critic. I review Animes/Fanfics/Movies of today and yesterday! Readers, don't take it too seriously. These are strictly my own opinions. COMPLETE
1. Top 11 Anime Theme Songs

_**The Anime Critic**_

_**Top 11 Anime Theme Songs**_

We see DW64 dressed in a black t-shirt with a zombie hand logo on it, and blue jeans sitting in front of a desk and seemingly looking towards a video camera. He sat up straight on a cushioned chair with a calm smile on his face. "Hello I'm the Anime Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW introduced himself.

"And welcome to my parody of the Nostalgia Critic. This isn't the first time someone has done a parody of the Nostalgia Critic though. The Fictor Brothers has done it in the Insane critic and Nukid has done it in the Nostalgia Kid." DW then puts on his glasses and a blue cap on his head. "Well it's time for me to do one as well! Get ready to go down suckers!"

From DW's left, his girlfriend Noel Vermillion came in with a questionable look on her face. "Hey DW, I see you are parodying the Nostalgia Critic."

"Yes I am." DW said to Noel.

"Well then, if you are parodying the Nostalgia Critic, why aren't you dressed like him?" Noel asked.

"Well, it's because I don't want to be a total ripoff of him. That's why I wear different clothing. Besides, this t-shirt looks great on me, doesn't it?" DW pulls the collar of his shirt. "See? It has a zombie hand on it! I got this shirt from Left 4 Dead 2! Cool, huh?" DW asked.

"Riiiiiiiight…" Noel said before leaving.

DW then calms down and smiles. "Well then, let's not waste anymore time. Let's start with my very first review. I love three things in this world. Video games, fan fictions and anime. I am a huge fan of anime. But there's one thing that makes you go hyped before the anime begins. Those are the theme songs."

Various Anime Opening Theme clips play as DW continues explaining, "Ah yes, the theme songs. They are fun, awesome, and catchy as hell. In fact, these theme songs kept inside our heads, just waiting to spring out our minds and ruin our concentration."

We see DW again. "That's why for my first review, I'm going to round up my personal list of the Top 11 Anime Theme Songs. Why top eleven? Because…" DW frowns. "Yeah, you know what I'm going to say if you are already a Nostalgia Critic fan. So let's begin."

(Caramelldansen music plays in the background while several anime characters pop up onscreen dancing to the music.)

_**Top 11 Anime Theme Songs**_

_**Number 11…**_

(The opening of BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger plays as Ao Iconoclast plays in the background.)

_**Ao Iconoclast by Kotoko (From BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger)**_

"Yeah yeah, I know I kept talking about this song in the FAF forums, but it's just so darn good." DW explained. "Ao Iconoclast is one of the best anime/video game theme songs I ever heard and not to mention, it's sung by one of the greatest J-pop singers, Kotoko."

(Picture of Kotoko pops up)

"She has also sung theme songs for Hayate the Combat Butler and Shakugan no Shana. But I personally think her theme song for the recent fighting game BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger is the best."

(Screen changes back to the opening of BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger)

"And besides, what better way to start a video game with some kickass Japanese rock music?" DW exclaimed. "Ao Iconoclast is the catchiest video game theme song I ever heard and it's a really good song to start off this countdown."

"Ao Iconoclast. The Wheel of Music is turning."

_**Number 10…**_

(The opening of Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler plays as Monochrome no Kiss plays In the background.)

_**Monochrome no Kiss by SID (From Kuroshitsuji)**_

"For some reason, not a long of people outside Japan watched this anime. To me, I think it was an okay anime. It's about a 12 year old boy named Ciel Phantomhive who owns a toy company after his parents died in a fire." DW explained.

(Clips of Sebastian Michaelis showing his fighting skills play)

"But the main star of the show was his butler Sebastian Michaelis, who is probably the best butler ever. He is an acrobatic, hardworking, kickass, demonic, near indestructible, hell of a butler." DW said.

We cut to Sebastian smiling slyly.

"I am one hell of a butler." He said calmly.

"But whatever the reason, the opening theme song was great." DW explained. "A lot of fans say they kept humming to this song even as they watch the anime. Admittingly, so do I."

"The song itself really suits the anime. Matching it with the anime's dark and emotional theme. If you guys haven't seen the anime, I recommend watching it since the anime is quite popular here in Asia and you don't feel disappointed watching it."

"Monochrome no Kiss. It is one hell of a theme song."

_**Number 9…**_

(The opening of Afro Samurai plays as the Afro Theme plays in the background.)

_**Afro Theme by the RZA (From Afro Samurai)**_

"Hell yeah, this song is freaking sweet. Is there any other anime that has freaking rap songs for their soundtrackbesides Afro Samurai?"

"Afro Samurai may be an overrate anime with lots of mindless violence, blood and gore and some sex appeal, but you have to give credit to the anime's soundtrack. The music is freaking awesome. And I do kinda like the anime's mixture of Japanese and African American cultures."

"Although the theme song is only 40 seconds long and not really worth listening, and it's one of the best theme songs to a kickass show."

_**Number 8…**_

(The opening of Code Geass R2 plays as World End plays in the background.)

_**World End by FLOW (From Code Geass R2)**_

"I freaking love the Code Geass theme songs. And among all the five theme songs, World End by FLOW is the best to me."

"The first theme song, Colors, also by FLOW, isn't really good to me. It's kinda happy-going and doesn't suit the anime's theme well."

--

"I mean seriously, do you want to see the characters of Code Geass act like this?" DW sighed.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**Hi!" Lelouch in chibi form said, smiling to the viewers. "I'm Lelouch Lamperouge and I wish to change the world!"**_

"_**Halt!" Chibi Suzaku cried, coming in while aiming his pistol at Lelouch. "I can't let your evil deeds destroy Britannia!"**_

"_**You can't stop me!" Lelouch smiled at Suzaku as a pidgeon shape design glows on one of his eyes. "Not with my Geass!"**_

_**End Gag…**_

DW shivers violently at the thought.

--

"The second theme song, Kaidoku Funo by Jinn, also isn't that good. The song still doesn't suit the anime's serious and world war theme."

"The third theme song was Hitomi no Tsubasa by one of the best J-pop bands Access. And this time, the song was better, because it's catchy, emotional and matches the anime's theme well."

"The fourth theme song, O2 by Orange Range was okay and worth listening."

"But the fifth and last theme song, World End by FLOW, was the best. The song is freaking awesome. It's catchier, rockier and the lyrics of the song does suit the anime well like 'The light that was born at the end of the world', 'What did I gain for my victory?' and 'At the start of a new world, on a morning of creation'."

"But whether which theme song you like, Code Geass definitely knows how to keep a good song in our heads."

_**Number 7…**_

(Season 1 Opening of One Piece plays as We Are plays in the background.)

_**We Are! By Hiroshi Kitadani (From One Piece)**_

"Alright, as much as I don't watch One Piece anymore, I have to admit, it's first opening theme We Are is one of the best anime theme songs I ever heard."

--

"And for those of you wondering why I don't watch One Piece anymore…" DW's smile faded. "I stop watching because of two reasons. One, it brings back horrible childhood memories and two, it's because of a certain parody I wrote last year." DW turns his head away and cringed as he starts thinking the horrible memories of his past.

"_Haha! One Piece fanbrat!"_

"_How old are you? Like 4? Do you live in Africa or something?"_

"_Since when does Monkey D. Luffy has laser eyes?!"_

"_OH MY GOD! DARREN IS IN LOVE WITH NAMI! HAHAHAHA!!!"_

DW felt his heart shattered into pieces. So, he draws out his katana and gently places it on his pulse, ready to commit suicide.

That is until Noel comes in and slaps him hard.

"OUCH!" DW yelled as he drops his katana. He looks up at Noel and said, "Thanks, Noel."

"You're welcome." Noel smiled before leaving. DW sighed and looks back at the camera.

--

We cut back to the first opening of One Piece.

"Anyways, We Are was a heartwarming and enjoyable theme song. The theme song was really good that it keeps me hyped up before the show came on. It was so good that the theme song even won the Animation Kobe Theme Song Award in 2000."

"I may not watch the show anymore but this theme song still stays in my head."

_**Number 6…**_

(Season 5 Opening of Bleach plays as Rolling Star plays in the background.)

_**Rolling Star by Yui (From Bleach)**_

"Fuck yeah! The Bleach theme songs are always awesome! And to me, the season 5 theme song Rolling Star is the most catchiest."

(Picture of Yui pops up)

"And best of all, it's sang by Yui, one of the greatest J-pop singers in Japan. She has also sung theme songs for Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and the Japanese sci-fi film Hinokio."

(Screen changes back to the opening of Bleach)

"But Rolling Star isn't the only good theme song of Bleach. After Dark by Asian Kung Fu Generation, Shojo S by Scandal and D-Technolife by Uverworld are also honorable mentions."

"But I still think Rolling Star by Yui is the catchiest with it's fast paced and rockin music and it's easily the perfect theme song for a kickass anime like Bleach."

_**Number 5…**_

(Opening of Fullmetal Alchemist plays as Rewrite plays in the background.)

_**Rewrite by Asian Kung Fu Generation (From Fullmetal Alchemist)**_

"I never watch the first series. I only became a fan of Fullmetal Alchemist when I watched the first episode of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, which is better and follows the manga more, unlike the first series." DW explained.

"But at least Rewrite, one of the theme songs for the first Fullmetal Alchemist series, was catchy as hell. Sure the theme songs for Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood are okay like Again by Yui and Hologram by Nico Touches The Wall. But there is still no other Fullmetal Alchemist theme song as catchy as Rewrite."

(Picture of Asian Kung Fu Generation shows)

"Not to mention, it's sung by Asain Kung Fu generation, one of the greatest indie rock bands in Japan."

(Screen changes back to the opening of Fullmetal Alchemist)

"The song was so good that it even won the American Anime Award for Best Theme Song."

"Fullmetal Alchemist was a kickass anime and it has a kickass theme song to go with it."

_**Number 4…**_

(Opening of Neon Genesis Evangelion appears as A Cruel Angel's Thesis plays in the background)

_**A Cruel Angel's Thesis by Yoko Takahashi**_

"As much as I don't watch a lot of episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion, it does have a good theme song." DW sighed. "How did such an average series like Evangelion become such an extremely popular anime in Japan? I don't know. But it's theme song does stay in everyone's head."

"And to me, I think the show's theme song isn't really that bad. The lyrics of the song does suit the anime as the song tells the story about a young boy who becomes legend. Kinda like Shinji Ikari, just an average schoolboy, becoming the hero of Japan."

"The song was so popular in Japan that in 2007, a remake version of the song was done to tie in the theatrical release of the second Rebuild of Evangelion film."

"For some reason, despite the song being popular, it didn't win any awards or gain any popularity outside Japan. But no one can ever forget the opening theme song that plays before the anime shows."

_**Number 3…**_

(Opening of Gundam Seed plays as Ignited plays in the background)

_**Invoke by TM Revolution (From Gundam Seed)**_

"Hell yeah, I freaking love this theme song. Invoke by TM Revolution is the best Gundam theme song I ever heard. Invoke by TM Revolution."

(Picture of TM Revolution appear onscreen)

"For those of you who don't know, TM Revolution, also known as Takanori Nishikawa, is an amazing Japanese vocal singer. His popularity grew when he was asked to sing theme songs for Mobile Suit Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny."

(Scene changes to scenes of Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny)

"And his songs are history. Who could forget Ignited, the theme song of Gundam Seed Destiny?"

(Scene changes to music video of Ignited by TM Revolution)

TM Revolution: _**yasashii sono yubi ga owari ni fureru toki**_

_**ima dake kimi dake shinjite mo iin darou?**_

"Or how about Vestige?"

(Scene changes to music video of Vestige by TM Revolution)

TM Revolution: _**Kakageta sore zore no hi wo inochi to sakasete**_

(Picture of the Abingdon Boys School appears onscreen)

"But his popularity didn't end there. In 2005, he formed a J-Pop band known as Abingdon Boys School, which is famous for songs such as…"

(First Opening of D Gray Man plays as Innocent Sorrow plays in the background)

Abingdon Boys School: _**Don't cry kowaresou na hodo**_

_**dakishimetara kimi ga furuete ita Oh...**_

"And also…"

(First Opening of Darker Than Black plays as Howling plays in the background)

Abingdon Boys School: _**Kegareta yubisaki de yoru o sosogikonde**_

_**Chigireru made kimi o kojiakete**_

(Scene changes back to the opening of Gundam Seed)

"But of all the awesome songs done by TM Revolution, I have to go with Invoke, because it's catchy and techno as hell."

"Gundam Seed was an awesome anime, and it's theme song was kickass, making this song number 3 on our countdown."

_**Number 2…**_

(Ending of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya plays as Hare Hare Yukai plays in the background)

_**Hare Hare Yukai by Aya Hirano, Minori Chihara and Yuko Goto (From The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)**_

"Okay, as much as I don't watch Haruhi Suzumiya, the ending theme song Hare Hare Yukai is really catchy as hell." DW explained. "The song was so catchy that they even show the characters showing us how to dance to the song. Wow. How good is that?"

(Pictures of Anime Cosplayers dancing to song at Anime Conventions appear onscreen.)

"The song was so good that it has a massive support from anime fans and all the fans were dancing to this song at Anime conventions everywhere in Japan."

We cut to the scene of the ending clip of Haruhi Suzumiya where Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru and Itsuki dancing to song.

"The song was so popular that it even won the Radio Kansai Award and becoming an Internet meme in the process. And belive it or not, this song stayed in the Japanese Music Chart for 86 WEEKS AND STILL CHARTING."

--

"Wow! Usher's Yeah and The Beatles' I Wanna Hold Your Hand got OWNED!" DW yelled.

--

(Scene changes back to the ending of Haruhi Suzumiya)

"Hare hare Yukai may be the best song in this Top 11 List, but there is still one more song to top it."

_**And The Number 1 Anime Theme Song Is…**_

(Opening of Lucky Star appears as Take It! Sailor Uniform plays in the background)

_**Take It! Sailor Uniform by Aya Hirano, Emiri Kato, Kaori Fukuhara and Aya Endo (From Lucky Star)**_

"GOD DAMN THIS SONG!!!" DW yelled. "The moment this song plays, it never leaves your head! This song tormented so many anime fans I can't even explain it!"

"Like Hare Hare Yukai, the opening of the anime shows us the choreographed dance routine to the song and the song too became an internet phenomenon and fans all over the world are dancing to it!"

--

"You think you are trying to answer a question on your math test." DW said. "But no, you're thinking…"

--

(Scene changes to the Lucky Star opening video)

Song: _**aimai san-SENCHI sorya puni tte koto kai? cho!**_

--

"You think you're playing basketball with your teammates." DW said. "But no, you're thinking…"

--

(Scene changes to the Lucky Star opening video again)

Song: _**RAPPINGU ga seifuku... daaa furi tte kotanai puu.**_

--

"You think you're cycling in the park." DW said. "But no, you're thinking…"

--

(Scene changes to the Lucky Star opening video again)

Song: _**ganbaccha yacchacha sonto KYAACCHI & Release gyo**_

--

DW smiles and looks up as he said, "You think you are standing in front of the ancient gates of Knowledge. The doors open up and all the secrets in the universe are to be reveal."

"BUT NO!!!!!!" DW bangs his fist on his desk angrily. "ALL YOU ARE THINKING OF IS…"

--

(Scene changes to the Lucky Star opening video again)

Song: _**ase (Fuu) ase (Fuu) no tanima ni Darlin' Darlin' FREEZE!!**_

--

DW screamed at the top of his lungs as the theme song continues playing.

--

(Scene changes back to the Lucky Star opening video again)

Song:_**nanka daru nanka deru**_

_**aishiteru are ikko ga chigatterunruu**_

_**nayminbou koutetsubou**_

_**oishinbou ii kagen ni shinasai**_

_**tondetta aitsu no hoteru karada tte**_

_**iwayuru futsu no onya no ko**_

_**odoroita atashi dake? tonkotsu harigane okawari da-da-da**_

--

"THIS IS CRAZY!!! THIS SONG WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR HEAD!!!" DW bellowed. "The reason why this show is still popular among fans is because of it's fucking theme song! You hear it once and it will never NEVER go away!"

"But the song is so catchy, what do you ACTUALLY remember about this show? I remember the childish Konata Izumi, the smart Kagami Hiiragi, her clumsy sister Tsukasa Hiiragi, the wealthy Miyuki Takara, the scene where all the schoolgirls dressed as cheerleaders dance to the song…"

DW tries to think what else he remembers about the show. But he looks back at the camera and said, "AND THAT'S IT! That's all I remember from the show besides the theme song!"

--

We cut back to the scene where Konata, Kagami, Tsukasa and Miyuki and all the schoolgirls dressed as cheerleaders dancing to the theme song with their pom-poms.

"This show literally kept bringing us back simply because of the song! It is that POWERFUL!"

The scene ends with Tsukasa, Konata, Kagami and Miyuki smiling at the screen.

--

"So now let's recap our top 11 list." DW said.

**Number 11. Ao Iconoclast by Kotoko (From BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger)**

**Number 10. Monochrome no Kiss by SID (From Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler)**

**Number 9. Afro Theme by RZA (From Afro Samurai)**

**Number 8. World End by FLOW (From Code Geass R2)**

**Number 7. We Are! By Hiroshi Kitadani (From One Piece)**

**Number 6. Rolling Star by Yui (From Bleach)**

**Number 5. Rewrite by Asian Kung Fu Generation (From Fullmetal Alchemist)**

**Number 4. A Cruel Angel's Thesis by Yoko Takahashi (From Neon Genesis Evangelion)**

**Number 3. Invoke by TM Revolution (From Gundam Seed)**

**Number 2. Hare Hare Yukai by ****Aya Hirano, Minori Chihara, and Yuko Goto (From Haruhi Suzumiya)**

**Number 1. ****Take It! Sailor Uniform by Aya Hirano, Emiri Kato, Kaori Fukuhara and Aya Endo (From Lucky Star)**

"And there you guys, that's my Top 11 Anime Theme Songs." DW said, sitting back straight on his cushioned chair. "And now that you guys know what they are, remember…"

DW stood up and presses his face onto the camera. "Warn the people! Don't let them hear them! Because once they hear it, they will bury themselves into their heads and stick inside their heads forever! WARN THE PEOPLE!"

DW then sits back on his chair and calms down. He coughed, then said, "I'm the Anime Critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." He then gets off his chair and leaves.

**THE END**

Well guys, that was my first review. I hope you guys like it. I enjoyed writing it myself. Stay tune for my next review and read and review!


	2. Akikan!

_**Chapter 2: Akikan!**_

We see DW64 sitting in front of a desk and a video camera, dressed in his black t-shirt, blue cap and blue jeans again.

"Hello, I'm the Anime Critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd. And welcome to my first actual review." DW said. "Now stop me if I start to sound stupid. A perverted boy sips a can of melon soda and a beautiful girl pops out and-"

"**STOP!!!"** The anonymous crowd shouted.

DW looks uneasy at the screen and said, "Well, then I guess you guys will be uncomfortable with the anime I'm about review. This…is Akikan!"

**Akikan! Review**

We then see various clips and scenes from the show.

"Akikan is an anime about a 16 year old boy named Kakeru Daichi who buys a can of melon soda from a vending machine. When he opens it up and drinks it however, a beautiful girl pops up in front of him." DW explained. "Which sounds simple and harmless, but this overrated anime is filled with perverted jokes, mindless sex appeal and I'm not kidding, a gay government official!"

"So, what makes this anime a mindless piece of crap?" DW asked. "Let's find out."

--

We now see the first scene of the anime, with a naked girl floating in a pool of melon soda.

--

"Oh yeah, because every anime needs to start with a naked girl, doesn't it?" DW deadpanned.

--

"In the end, I was just…not needed anymore after I was used. I won't be needed anymore. After I'm used, I'm just trash." The girl said as a tear rolled down her cheek. "I only wished to be love…Someone…Take me…"

--

"I know you want me, baby." DW smiled at the camera in a very perverted way.

--

We now see a 16-year old boy walking to a vending machine.

"Welcome!" The vending machine voice said.

"We now cut to our main character of the show. A 16-year old high school student named Kakeru Daichi. Whom, you believe it or not, voiced by Jun Fukuyama." DW explained. "And who is Jun Fukuyama?"

--

We cut to a certain boy with spiky hair black hair dressed in a black school uniform sitting on a throne in episode 21 of Code Geass R2.

"I am the 99th Emperor of Britannia, Lelouch Vi Britannia." Lelouch said.

"_That's right! The same voice actor who plays Lelouch Lamperouge in Code Geass." DW said._

--

"Wow." DW said sarcastically. "I can't believe such a great character like Lelouch Lamperouge would share the same voice of a perverted virgin high school boy."

_**Cutaway gag…**_

_**We see Lelouch, dressed in white Emperor robes and standing in the middle of a room in the Damocles from episode 26 of Code Geass R2.**_

"_**Attention entire world! Hear my confession. I am Lelouch Vi Britannia, a virgin teenager who is looking for the perfect hot girlfriend to have sex with and be my queen!" Lelouch announced.**_

_**The Black Knights, Cornelia, Guilford, Viletta, Milly, Rivalz, Ohgi and the entire world stare at their TV screens and radios in confusion.**_

"_**What?! It's not like I also share the same voice of a perverted boy who has no girlfriends and always made fun of because he's a virgin!" Lelouch added.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

We cut to Kakeru laughing devilishly after getting his can of melon soda.

"As long as it is about money, you would release and spread open your opening for anyone. You're a really bad girl, baby." Kakeru said.

--

DW has an uncomfortable look on his face. "My God. We have to hear things like that from him throughout the entire show, don't we?" DW asked uneasily.

--

We cut to Kakeru's house at night.

"_We cut to his house at night when…" DW got cut off when he sees the next scene._

"Seriously! That broken vending machine!" Kakeru said angrily as he walks out the bathroom naked while drying his hair with a towel.

"_Okay, what is up with this anime?! First we got a naked girl and now a naked boy as well?!?!" DW exclaimed._

"Because I'm a virgin, it made a fool of me!" Kakeru continued as he walks up to the table where he placed his can of melon soda at.

He then opens up his can and strikes a pose. _"WHOA! If you are going to strike a pose, at least do it with some FUCKING CLOTHES ON!" DW yelled._

"Daichi Kakeru, 16 years old. Without having a girlfriend…" Kakeru opens his eyes. "It's been 16 years!!!"

_**Cutaway gag…**_

_**Cut to a scene from Bleach episode 6.**_

"_**Ichigo Kurosaki, age 15, substitute soul reaper. And if you really want to play some serious tag…" Ichigo turns his head to the hollow and smiles deviously. "I think it's me you oughta chase."**_

_**End gag…**_

--

"Okay!" DW said. "That one is from Bleach. But seriously, can you tell the difference?"

--

Kakeru then takes a sip of his melon soda.

"_So Kakeru drinks his can of melon soda, and I'm not kidding here. The girl from before magically pops out and kisses him." DW said._

Kakeru widens his eyes in surprise at the girl before him.

"My first kiss…it tastes like melon soda." Kakeru said in his thoughts.

--

"Heh, you're lucky." DW shrugged. "My first kiss taste like diarrhea."

Suddenly Tifa comes out from behind DW with a baseball bat in her hand. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!" Tifa yelled angrily.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" DW screamed and he runs out of the room with Tifa chasing him from behind.

--

The girl then removed her lips and back away from Kakeru. "Is it you?" She asked. "You are…" She looks down and sees Kakeru's private part.

The girl widens her eyes and grits her teeth in shock. "IDIOT!!!!!" She screamed so loud that the cat on Kakeru's house rooftop fell off.

"_See? I told you to put some clothes on, you idiot!" DW said._

"_So the girl with long blonde hair and dressed in a beautiful melon green dress appears in from of him and…"_ DW got cut off when sees Kakeru places his hands on the girl's shoulders, making her blush.

Kakeru then smiles pervertedly as he starts lifting the girl's dress, touching her butt, sliding his hand on her arm, etc.

"Even though I'm dreaming, it's rather rare for such a chance! If I don't use this dream well, I'm really a failure as a boy!" Kakeru exclaimed.

"_OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!" DW yelled._

The girl then creates an orb of energy on her hands. "YOU…" She shoots the orb at Kakeru. "PERVERT!!!" The orb hits Kakeru in the cheek and his entire room exploded.

"_THANK GOD!" DW sighed._

--

We cut to a woman walking down a dark corridor.

"_Phew! Finally, we get to see something different." DW said in relief. "It's not like we get to see more perverted things like the woman's butt or…"_ The scene cuts to the woman's butt waving side to side. _"Oh, spoke too soon."_

A man cried as he runs pass the woman without his shirt on.

"_Huh? What the hell was that just now?" DW asked in confusion._

The woman then enters a room and knocks on the door. In front of her was a man sitting behind his desk, writing papers. "Sorry to disturb you, Otoya-san." The woman said.

"Ah…it's been hard on you, Airin-kun." The man, now known as Otoya said.

_"This is Hidehiko Otoya. A government official who is a gay and likes pretty boys, I am dead fucking serious." DW said. "Great! First naked girls and now sick gays! How much more sick can this anime get?!"_

"So the woman, known as Airin Kizaki, is Otoya's secretary. She tells Otoya about a new Empty Can case and it involves Kakeru." DW explained.

"Kakeru-kun?" Otoya laughed evilly as he licked his lips.

--

DW shudders and looks uneasy. "Noel? How long was I in this episode?" DW asked.

"Six and a half minutes." Noel replied offscreen. DW bangs his head onto the desk.

--

"Meanwhile, back at Kakeru's house, the girl tells Kakeru that she's the melon soda can and Kakeru's kiss transforms her into her human form. But Kakeru thinks her explanation is a joke and still thinks he's in a dream." DW explained. "The girl looks at Kakeru's empty can collection when…"

The girl turns around and jumps in shock when she sees Kakeru doing pushups while still naked. The girl screams as Kakeru yells "IT'S SHOW TIME!!!"

--

"You know, I'm running out of things to say about Kakeru. Even Keigo Asano from Bleach isn't as perverted as him." DW said, resting his head on one of his arms.

--

"So after the girl gives him another good spanking with her magic, Kakeru however STILL THINKS IT'S A DREAM. So the girl makes him pulls her tab and she magically turns back into her can form. However, at the same time, Otoya and Airin breaks into Kakeru's house."

"What are you afraid of, Kakeru-kun?" Otoya kneels in front of Kakeru and smiles at him in a perverted way. Kakeru looks scared.

"_You know, I'm starting to wonder, are we really going to see Kakeru naked throughout the entire episode? I mean, this is only the first episode and we have to see the main character naked throughout the ENTIRE FUCKING EPISODE!" DW bellowed._

"_So Otoya and Airin came to discuss Kakeru about the empty cans. He briefly explain that the cans that can transform into girls is a project known as Akikan. However, Kakeru was too traumatized to listen. So, Otoya decided to make Kakeru listen by flirting. Wait, WHAT?!"_

"It can't be helped. It is apparently better to deepen the relationship first…" Otoya smirked as he loosens his collar.

"Please stop it." Kizaki said.

--

"PLEASE DO!!!" DW begged.

--

"I don't know!" Kizaki yelled as she accidentally knocked Otoya out with her elbow.

"_Thank god, Kizaki knock Otoya unconscious with her elbow before he could do anything dirty. Because of that, they left the house but said that they will come another day." DW said in relief. "And that was like what? Only one minute of Otoya and Kizaki coming to Kakeru's house for nothing?"_

--

We then see the blonde-haired girl, back in her human form, talking to Kakeru.

"_After they left, Kakeru takes a sip of his can of melon soda and the can turns into the girl again. The girl tells Kakeru that from now on, she's staying in his apartment because apparently he's now her owner."_

"_Kakeru knows that if he ever wants the girl to turn from can form to human form, he has to take a sip and get a kiss for her."_

We then see Kakeru, who is now wearing his school uniform, pouring the juice from the girl's can form into a glass cup.

"_So Kakeru, who FINALLY put some clothes on, tries to think other ways. He tried pouring juice into a glass, but that didn't work."_

We then see Kakeru drinking the juice from the can with a straw.

"_He tried drinking with a straw but that didn't work too. Because according to the girl, if he just drinks the juice, the can will be of no use."_

We then see the girl, in can form, placed inside in a cupboard as Kakeru slides the cupboard door, closing it.

"_So Kakeru gets fed up and decided to teach the girl a lesson for trying to throw away his precious can collection."_

We then see Kakeru drinking the soda from her can form the next day, causing the girl to transform back into her human form. However, after she does, she fainted in Kakeru's arms. Kakeru looks shocked.

"_However, this causes the carbon dioxide inside the girl's energy to almost dissipated, causing the girl to grow weak and faint. Good going Kakeru."_

We then see Kakeru places his lips onto the girl's lips and breathes in and out.

"_So Kakeru tries to revive her with CPR."_

The girl's eyes twitches. Kakeru leans his face closer towards the girl.

"_And what does he get for reviving her?"_

"IDIOT!!!" The girl yelled as she shoots another orb of energy at Kakeru's face.

--

"How dare you revive me with your CPR, you pervert!" DW yelled as he bangs his fist on the desk.

--

"Why? Why did you save me?" The girl asked as she blushed crimson and tears start to form in her eyes.

"Why, you say…" Kakeru said in confusion.

"Like this, I'm probably just an empty can. After the juice is finished, I'll just be thrown away." The girl explained. She turns her head away. "I will become trash and I will become strap in a plant." Tears fell onto her hands.

"I won't throw you away." Kakeru said. The girl looks up. "Just like you now…what am I saying? I can't leave you alone."

"Kakeru?" The girl turns to him.

"I will say it again. For such a cute girl like you, I can't throw you away."

"_So Kakeru decides to keep the girl with him and decided to simply name her Melon."_ DW said.

"Melon-kun, Melon-san, Melon-chan!" Kakeru smiles goofily at the girl, now known as Melon. Melon turns away from him.

"Idiot." She smiled sadly.

--

"So that was the first episode of Akikan. It's creepy and stupid, though I have to give credit that it did gave me a chuckle or two and it did end with a touching ending that Kakeru decided not to throw away Melon and keep her around." DW shrugged.

--

We now cut to a girl with bluish purple hair entering a classroom.

"Good morning!" The girl said.

"_Of course, Kakeru and Melon aren't the only main characters in the show. At school, there's a girl named Najimi, who is Kakeru's childhood friend, who has a crush on him." DW said._

"Eh?!" Najimi looked shocked and her face blushed. Then a grin appears on her face. "Kakeru-chan, could it be that you want Najimi to…?!" She looks up and giggled deviously.

--

"Yeah…" DW looks uneasy. "A very VERY creepy crush."

--

We now see Najimi, Melon and Kakeru all trapped in a freezer room. Najimi, who has Kakeru's school uniform wrapped around her body, explains Melon about Kakeru's and her past.

"_In episode 2, Najimi explains that they became childhood friends two years ago when terrorists broke into their school and held her hostage because they had a grudge on Najim's father's company."_

We then see flashback scenes of Najimi and Kakeru when they are eighth-graders. Kakeru grabs the terrorist's gun and shoot them down.

"_But Kakeru saved Najimi's life by shooting the terrorists."_

--

Then Deadpool comes out of nowhere and yelled, "YES!!! WISE MOVE THAT KID! Now you can one day become a low-life mercenary like me and make money! So anyways," He takes out a book entitled 'DarkMagicianmon and the Darkside Knight' by PhoenixOfTheDarkness. "HOLY CRAP! THIS IS THE GREATEST FIC EVER!!! So, there's this guy…"

DW gestures four security guards to come into the room. The guards then grab Deadpool and pull him away from the screen.

--

We then see Najimi, Kakeru and Melon all screaming as they all accidentally fall onto each other. Piles of crates fall onto them and the lights went out.

"Oww…." Melon groaned.

"Kakeru…Kakeru-chan?" Najimi asked. Kakeru's grin widened.

"We should do _that _since it's cold." Kakeru said happily and pervertedly.

--

"Oh yeah, Kakeru is still as perverted as ever." DW shrugged.

--

Kakeru's smile dropped when the door to the freezer room opens, revealing a red-haired girl and a brown-haired boy named Gigolo.

"Are you okay, Najimi?" A red-haired girl asked in concern. The girl widens her eyes in shock when she sees Kakeru on top of Najimi and Melon.

"K-Kochikaze?" Kakeru said in shock.

"Daichi, what the hell are you doing?" The girl, now known as Kochikaze, asked icily.

"_Oh yeah, that's also a girl named Yurika Kochikaze, who I'm not kidding, a lesbian and claims to be Najimi's lover." DW said._

We then see various scenes of Yurika and Najimi together. We see Yurika wiping Najimi's tears from the first episode.

"It's alright already, Najimi." Yurika said passionately to Najimi. "As for the bacteria sticking around you, I will help you detoxify them.

We then see Yurika on top of Najimi on a couch, tickling her body.

"Najimi, you're so cute today!" Yurika said with a smile.

We then see Yurika getting up from the couch and smiling lovingly as she talks to Kakeru and Gigolo about her dream.

"I was enjoying Najimi's beautiful smell in my fantasy and having a lot of fun with her!" She explained.

--

"Wow." DW said sarcastically. "I didn't know I could find a lesbian that tops Soi Fon from Bleach, but I came pretty darn close."

--

We then see several scenes of Gigolo.

"_And there's also a brown-haired boy named Gigolo. Yes, that is his nickname, who is often forgotten by his friends and always being treated as a minor character throughout the show."_

--

We then see Otoya and Kizaki explaining Kakeru and Melon about their organization and a certain tournament.

"_The second episode also explains that Otoya and Kizaki are part of the Division of Standards that consolidates drink cans which eventually led to the discovery of Akikan like Melon. And what are Akikan?"_

"Akikan are cans that have 'Girlished." Otoya said as he strokes his hair. "In other words, cans that have turned into girls. I did not mean to be rude."

--

"Cans that have 'Girlished'?" DW asked with eyes wide open. "You mean cans can get sexualized when they feel like it?!"

DW then holds up an empty Coca-cola can and stares at it in disgust. "EEW!!" He tosses the can away.

--

"_He also ask Melon to participate in a tournament called Akikan Elect where aluminum and steel cans battle out to see which type is better. And the last can type standing will be the official standard for drink cans."_

"By consolidating the material used to make cans, efficiency will rise. People's consciousness of cans will also change. Everyone will use them to the fullest." Otoya explained, then said to Melon. "In other words, you'll be treasured."

--

DW looks confused after listening to Otoya's explanation. "I guess that makes sense to me." He shrugged, still in confusion.

--

We then see a scene where melon and an Akikan named Budoko get into their fighting stances in the school hall.

"_So throughout the series, Melon has to fight with other Akikan like Budoko, a grape juice Akikan. Her attacks include…"_

"Grape Scrap!" Budoko yelled as a grape magically appeared on her hand. She eats a grape, then spits a grape seed onto Melon's forehead.

"Huh?" Kakeru said confused.

--

"WHAT?! WHAT?! That's her attack?!" DW bellowed.

--

We cut to Budoko and Melon arguing each other.

"_I mean seriously? That's her attack?! Spitting grape seeds onto your opponent? What other retarded attacks does she has?"_

"Grape Shot!" Budoko yelled as she draws out a dolphin-shaped blaster. She shoots multiple grape seeds at melon, but they all fall to the ground, missing her. Kakeru falls to the ground.

--

DW bangs his head onto the desk.

--

We then see Melon spraying juice onto Budoku.

_"IS THIS ANIME FUCKING TRYING?!?!" DW yelled angrily._

We cut to Melon and Yell fighting each other in the field of a baseball stadium.

"_Ah fuck it. She also fights an Akikan named Yell, a sports drink Akikan, who is way more kickass than that silly Budoko."_

We see Yell slashing the side of Kakeru's body with her isotonic sword.

"_She first had a grudge on Yell since she wounded him in an encounter."_

We then see Najimi running up to Yell and grabbed her arm, restraining her from hurting Kakeru any further. Kakeru looks shocked, his eyes wide and shaking. Melon runs up to Kakeru in concern and helps him get up.

"_And the owner of Yell turns out to be Najimi. This causes a rivalry between Melon and Yell."_

We cut back to Melon and Yell continue their fighting at the baseball stadium.

"_So they decided to have an epic fight in a baseball stadium, which I have to admit their fight scene was kinda creative."_

We now see Kakeru, his body now wrapped in bandages, putting on his shoes while Najimi stands behind him, tears flowing down her cheeks and looking guilty. Kakeru turns to Najimi.

"Meanwhile, Najimi felt guilty for ordering Yell to injure Kakeru, so they both have which I have to admit, a touching scene."

"Kakeru-chan, do you like Melon-chan?" Najimi asked.

Kakeru turns around and paused for a few seconds before he replied, "I do." Najimi widens her eyes and hung her head in sadness. Then Kakeru added, "Just as like you." Najimi lifts up her head.

Kakeru turns at Najimi and smirked. "She's a friend. You too, you're also an important friend." He pats Najimi on the head.

--

"Yeah, you're an important friend alright." DW said. "An important friend with a creepy crush and have fantasies about me. That makes sense!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes from Episode 6.

"_So quick wrap-up, they go to the baseball stadium, stop the fight between Melon and Yell and they all go back home happily."_

We then see a pink-haired Akikan dressed with a black cape, smiling evilly.

"_But the worst Akikan in the show is a mixed juice Akikan named Miku, who claims to be the strongest Akikan."_

We then see Miku placing her lips onto an injured Yell's lips, absorbing her powers. We also then see a purple-haired Yell walking up to Melon.

"_She absorbs Akikan's powers and creates clones of them called Zeros."_

We see an injured Melon dissipating after Miku absorbed her powers.

"_She eventually also absorb Melon's powers away."_

We then see Airin driving a car with Kakeru sitting in the front seat and Najimi sitting at the backseat, chasing after Miku who is driving a motorcycle.

"_So it's up to a perverted school boy, a secretary of a gay government official and a girl with a huge crush on a pervert to rescue Melon and the other Akikans. Good God! This unlikely heroic alliance is as crazy and random as the main cast of the Fairly Oddparents!"_

We now see a fake Melon clone standing still in front of an injured Kakeru while holding up a ball of dark energy. Miku looks confused.

"_Miku tries to attack Kakeru with her clone of Melon. But the clone didn't attack back."_

"What's going on?" Miku asked confused. "I gave her the command to finish him."

"Then there's only one answer." Kakeru said as he stood up.

"What?" Miku asked.

"You stopped her." Kakeru said as he walks past the Melon clone. "No, it was the Melon inside you that did it!"

Suddenly, Miku felt a pain from inside her chest. She grabs her chest and groaned, "What's going on?"

"Melon!" Kakeru yelled as he walks up to Miku with his empty Melon Soda can. Miku jumps back and lands on top of a cliff. The pain inside Miku's chest grew stronger.

"Kakeru…" Melon's voice said.

"What's going on?" Miku asked as yellow energy glows around here.

--

"Oh my God, she's turning into Goku!" DW yelled in shock.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**IT'S OVER 9000!!!" Vegetea yelled as he crashes his power meter.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

"Come, Melon!" Kakeru said as he spreads out his arms. "I…I…LOVE YOU!!!"

Miku yells in agony as green juice comes out of her chest and the juice pours into the empty Melon Soda can.

"Kakeru…" Melon said. "I…"

"You finally came back." Kakeru smiled. "I wouldn't be able to play catch without you."

--

"Or molest you." DW said. "Or sexually harassed you. Or…" He frowns and waves his hand as he turns his head away. "Ah fuck it."

--

We see various scenes and clips from the final episode.

"_So Yell and Budoku are also brought back to their respective owners, the Akikans worked together to defeat Miku , Otoya is still a gay pervert, and everybody had a celebration at Kakeru's place."_

We see Gigolo, Yurika, Najimi, Yell, Budoku and Misaki standing in front of Kakeru's house, smiling at Kakeru and Melon. Kakeru and Melon both smiled back at them.

"Everyone! I will give you lots of love!" Kakeru exclaimed.

--

"So that was the anime Akikan. It's stupid, it's mindless, it has no coherent plot and…" DW sighed. "It's a guilty pleasure."

--

We cut to various scenes and clips from the show.

"I mean granted it _is _a bad anime, but I have to be honest, I do enjoy watching it. The jokes are funny, the fights are good and as much as how perverted Kakeru and Otoya are, the characters are kinda likeable. It's a guilty pleasure to say the least."

--

"Now if you would excuse me, I better get out before-" But DW got cut off when Tifa yelled angrily.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT OUR FIRST KISS WAS AWFUL!" Tifa yelled. DW screamed as Tifa comes in with a katana but suddenly, Noel comes in as well and blocks Tifa's katana with her revolvers.

"Not so fast, Tifa! DW's my bitch!" Noel yelled.

As Tifa and Noel start fighting with each other, DW salutes to the camera and said, "I'm the Anime critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW then runs off from the screen and Tifa and Noel continue fighting.

**THE END**

DW: And that's the end of my first actual review. I hope you guys enjoyed it! Stay tune for my next one and read and review!


	3. H2O: Footprints in the Sand

_**Chapter 3: H2O: Footprints in the Sand**_

We see DW64 again, dressed in a black t-shirt, blue cap and blue jeans. He sits in front of a desk and a video camera. "Hello, I'm the Anime Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW introduced himself.

"It's not always easy being a critic. I mean sometimes it is fun since you get to have fun watching all kinds of anime. But what I hate doing this job is watching anime that is horrible, boring and uninteresting." DW explained. "One such anime that has all these combine is…H2O: Footprints in the Sand."

_**H2O: Footprints in the Sand Review**_

(We see various clips and scenes from the anime.)

"H2O: Footprints in the Sand is a romance anime about a lonely and depressed junior high school student named Takuma. After his mother died, he moved to the rural area with his uncle and enrolled in a new school where he met three girls. As he gets to know these three girls, he slowly starts to recover from his depression. It sounds simple and harmless like Akikan, but it has pointless plot points, bad animation quality and has an uninteresting cast of characters. It's so bad that some people are ACTUALLY calling it the worst anime of 2008."

"So? Is this anime REALLY THAT BAD?!" DW widens his eyes. "Let's watch it to find out."

--

We then see the first scene of the first episode, a beach with several footprints on the sandy shore.

"_So the anime starts with a poem." DW said._

"He walked with God." A girl's voice said.

--

"Jesus Christ?" DW said, arching an eyebrow in confusion.

--

"Left behind are their footprints in the sand. The glimmering light from the sky shone upon the footprints of their lives. Joy…and happiness…shone from the two pairs of footprints." The girl's voice continued.

--

"Are we in a romance anime or are we watching the wrong anime?" DW asked.

--

"However, during desperate and troubled times…"

We now see a dark blue haired schoolgirl getting punched by a schoolboy.

"During times of overwhelming sadness, during times of unbearable pain…"

Another schoolboy then kicks her in the back and the girl fell to the ground and splashes onto a puddle of mud.

"There would only be one set of footprints."

--

"Because that's what you think of when you watch a romance anime." DW said, nodding his head. "Boys beating the crap out of innocent schoolgirls."

--

"Why were you not there for me?" The girl's voice finished.

We cut to the same dark blue-haired girl standing on a hill, watching the view.

"_So after the poem and the opening, we cut to one of the main characters of the show. Her name is Hayami Kohinata. She was enjoying the view until chaos ensue."_

Hayami turns her head when she heard a scream coming from the trees behind her. She sees a blonde-haired girl and a blind brown-haired boy running away from a wild boar.

"Why are we being chased by a boar? Aren't we heading towards school?" The boy asked in fear.

"Don't ask me!" The girl replied.

"_We are introduced to two more main characters. A blind boy named Takuma Hirose and a blonde haired girl named Otoha, who is a spirit that Takuma can only see."_

"He says "You're in my turf!" We just have to get out!" The blonde haired girl, now known as Otoha added.

"You can understand what the boar is saying?!" The boy, now known as Takuma, asked.

"Of course! I'm the spirit of the sounds of time, Otoha-chan after all!"

--

"Wait, wait, wait." DW said as he holds up his hands. "She's the spirit of the sounds of time?! Who does this girl think she is? Gaia from Captain Planet?!"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**We cut to a clip from Captain Planet where Gaia says to the planeteers in spirit form.**_

"_**Don't worry planeteers, I will be with you as a spirit." Gaia said.**_

_**End of Gag**_

--

We then see the boar runs out of the forest and charges towards Takuma. Hayami quickly runs over to Takuma and pushes him to the ground, dodging the boar.

"_So Hayami saves Takuma's life and she lands on top of Takuma."_

--

DW groans in pain as he felt something in his head. "Oh no." He grabs the sides of his head. "Pervert joke senses…tingling."

--

"You all right?" Hayami asked Takuma.

"You are?" Takuma asked in confusion. He raises up his hand and Hayami blushes as he touches her cheek. "Soft." Takuma then slides down his hand until he accidentally touches her breast.

"_Yeah, I knew it." DW said._

Hayami frowns and slaps Takuma.

We then cut to Hayami grabbing Takuma's wrist and escorts him through the forest.

"_So after that pointless pervert joke, Hayami helps escort Takuma through the forest as Takuma apologizes that what he just did wasn't intentional." DW said._

"Sorry about that. It wasn't intentional. I asked a girl who called herself Otoha-chan for directions and she pointed me this way." Takuma said innocently.

"_Yeah, it's not like she's just my imaginary friend and because of my stupid imaginations, I ended up get lost in a forest and get chase by a wild boar. That would be stupid of me." DW said._

We then see Hayami telling Takuma to walk straight down the road before leaving.

"_So after Hayami leads Takuma out of the forest, she tells him to walk down straight and he'll be at school. But Hayami didn't come along with him."_

"You're not coming along? You're a middle schooler too, aren't you?" Takuma asked. "I can tell by your voice."

"Please don't get involved with me." Hayami said sternly before leaving.

"_Motherfucker." DW added in gangsta voice._

--

We now cut to a school and we see two girls walking down the school corridors.

"_We then see two girls walking down probably the most deserted school corridor in the world. Until they bumped into…"_

The two girls stop walking when they see another girl with long blonde hair walking down the stairs while carrying a tall pile of school files. The two girls sighed upon seeing her.

"Hinata-chan." One of the girls sighed.

_**Cutaway Gag..**_

_**We see a certain blue-haired girl dressed in a purple and white jacket and dark blue pants charging towards her enemy.**_

"_**Gentle Fist Taijutsu!" Hinata Hyuga yelled.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

"No, no, no!" DW shakes his hand. "NOT Hinata Hyuga. Hinata Kagura."

--

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**We cut to a clip from Gintama episode 11 where an orange-haired girl dressed in a green cap, black sunglasses, yellow jacket and purple pants who is rapping in front of Gintoki and Shinpachi.**_

"_**Hey, yo, ho, my homies!" Kagura said.**_

_**End of gag…**_

--

"NO! Not Kagura from Gintama! Hinata Kagura. And yes, that _IS_ her name! Just go with it!" DW said.

--

"You're hopeless." One of the schoolgirls named Maki said as she helps carry half of the school files Hinata's folding. "Hamaji, help us out too."

"Sure, not a problem." One of the schoolgirls, now known as Hamaji said as she walks over to them.

But she stops when another schoolgirl yelled, "Hamaji!"

"Oh no." Hamaji said.

"How dare you skip cleaning duty yesterday!" The schoolgirl said angrily.

"_Good God! Their voices sound annoying as hell!" DW shrieked._

(Pictures of Happy, Chopper and Steve Urkel onscreen)

"_Their voices sound like a mixture of the voices of Happy from Fairy Tail, Chopper from One Piece and Steve Urkel from Family Matters!"_

We cut back to the anime and see Hinata fall off from the stairs and drops all the school files. She then picks up the files she dropped.

"_So Hinata accidentally falls off the stairs and kneels down to pick up all the files she dropped."_

--

DW groaned in pain as his head hurts again. "OH NO!" He grabs his head. "Not the pervert jokes senses again! Tingling!"

--

Hinata widens her eyes when she felt Takuma poking her butt with his walking stick. Hinata turns her head and sees Takuma who looks confused.

"What's this sensation?" Takuma asked as he lifts up Hinata's skirt with his walking stick. Hinata blushed crimson and squealed as she grabs and pulls down her skirt in embarrassment. Takuma backs away.

"Oh, pardon me." Takuma said apologetically. "Where's the staff room?"

--

"Oh pervert jokes." DW shook his head, chuckling sarcastically. "Will you ever age?"

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_So Takuma starts his first day at his new school and sits next to who else? Hayami. Hayami got late so the teacher asks her to stand in the hallway. But goody good Takuma tells the teacher that she helped him got to school today so the teacher decided not to punish Hayami and let her sit in class." DW explained._

"So you're Kohinata-san?" Takuma asked Hayami smiling.

Hayami narrows her eyes at Takuma and turns her head away. "You didn't have to do that."

"_Motherfucker." DW said again in a gangsta voice._

--

We then see Hinata, Hamaji and Maki giving Takuma a tour around the school. They stop in front of the art room.

"_After class, Hinata and her classmates gave Takuma a tour around the school." DW said._

"And over here is…" Hinata said.

"The art room." Takuma said. "Am I correct?"

"That's incredible! How did you know?" Hamaji asked amazed.

"I can smell the scent of the paint." Takuma replied.

"But, you could figure out the other rooms too before Hinata told you." Hamaji said.

"They all have a scent to them." Takuma said. "The library has the scent of ageing paper. The infirmary has the scent of disinfectants. The music room has the scent of the spray use to clean musical instruments."

--

"And the janitor's closet has the scent of dog shit, monkey testicles, and diarrhea." DW added. "Seriously, who does this guy think he is?! MistressOfDawn?!"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**We see a scene from Author Fighters: Burst Soldier 2. **__**Everybody got off their jeeps as Mistress smells something with her werewolf abilities.**_

"_**What is it?" Nukid asked Mistress.**_

"_**I smell something…big." Mistress replied.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

We now see Takuma and the girls walking down the corridor until they all see a girl with orange hair, tied to two ponytails and two male henchmen standing next to her on each side. They all smile evilly at them.

"_So they walk around the school until they come across the school's leader, Tabata Yui. By the way, look at her henchmen. Who the hell design them? They look like Iori Yagami from King of Fighters and Butthead from Beavis and Butthead."_

Yui jumps off from the stairs and lands safely in front of Takuma, Hinata, Hamaji and Maki.

"I'm this school's leader, the perfect beauty, Tabata Yui-sama." Yui introduced herself.

Everybody stared at her for a moment. "'Sama' again?" Takuma asked confused.

"You can come to me whenever you feel like it. I'll let you become one of my followers." Yui said.

"Uh-huh." Takuma replied.

"What kind of response is 'uh-huh'?!" Yui asked angrily.

--

DW groans in annoyance as Yui continues talking.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**As Yui continues talking, we cut to certain alien from Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.**_

"_**Monsters out there." Jar Jar said. "Leaking in here. And we're stuck here with no power? When did youssa thinkin' wessa in trouble?!"**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

"SHUT UP!!!" DW bellowed.

--

"Is she always like that?" Takuma asked Hinata.

"I guess." Hinata said.

"You probably could just ignore half of what she says." Maki added.

"Not half, you can just ignore everything!" Hamaji smiled.

--

"For once, I agree!" DW said.

--

We then see Yui jumps onto Hamaji, but Hamaji dodges her just in time. Unfortunately, she bumps into Takuma and Hinata and they all fall to the ground.

"_So Yui gets upset and jumps onto Hamaji. Hamaji dodges in time but she, Takuma and Hinata fall to the ground together."_

--

"No!" DW said as he grabs his head. "Not again! Pervert joke senses…tingling!"

--

Hinata blushed as Takuma lies below her, his head just under her butt and panties.

"Please don't breathe onto me please. It tickles." Hinata said to Takuma.

--

"WHAT IS UP WITH THIS ANIME?!?! First of all, we are only at the first episode, and we got not one, not two but THREE PERVERT JOKES! Second, why do all these pervert jokes happen when Takuma is around?! Is this anime trying to tell us that if you are blind, these things will happen to you?! Girls will fall on top of you and your head get pressed by their breasts and butts?! Third, how is this romance and entertainment?! And FOURTH, none of these fucking pervert jokes are fucking funny!!!" DW bellowed. "GOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!!!!!"

--

We then see Takuma lying in bed at the school's medical bay. Hinata smiled and bowed down before closing the curtains, leaving Takuma alone.

"_So Takuma has a minor bump on his head and gets hospitalized at the school's med bay. He rests on his bed peacefully until…"_

"Did you call?" Otoha asked. "Takuma-kun!" She yelled happily as she jumps out from the window and appears behind Takuma.

"_WHAT THE FUCK?!" DW yelled in shock._

Otoha giggled as she lands on top of Takuma's back, making him groan.

"_I DON'T GET IT! WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPEN?! She just burst into the medical bay like that?!"_

"Who are you?" Takuma asked as he turns to Otoha.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**Your worst nightmare." Otoha said in Rambo's voice.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

We now see Takuma and Otoha outside of the school. Otoha smiled as she leans her head towards a sunflower.

"_So" DW took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "Otoha came to visit Takuma because she claims she has the powers to make Takuma see again, I'm dead fucking serious. My God! Is this anime weird and dumb enough already?!"_

"How can you make me see?" Takuma asked Otoha. "My eyes…ever since then…"

Otoha walks to Takuma and grabs his cheeks, making him squeal.

"Why won't you believe what I say?" Otoha asked angrily.

"_Because oh I don't know, YOU'RE CRAZY?!?!" DW yelled._

Otoha leans her face closer to Takuma and whispered, "Don't give up hope."

--

We now see Takuma and the other characters of the show now in the classroom having lunch. We then see various clips and scenes.

"_So later, Takuma and his classmates have lunch together. However, suddenly, Yui yelled that they ran out of calamari rings and sensed that someone took too much of them. And of course, she thinks Hayami took most of the calamari rings."_

Takuma gasps as Yui's henchmen walks over to Hayami and pins her head onto her desk. Yui comes over and places her hands on the sides of her hips.

"Kohinata, you're the one who did it, right?" Yui asked angrily. Hayami didn't reply. Yui grits her teeth angrily and yelled, "Say something, you roach!" Takuma gasps in shock.

--

"Dude, just freaking relax. They're just calamari rings for Christ's sake." DW said.

--

We then see Hayami stood up from her chair. Yui and her henchmen back away and watched her walks over to her food table. She grabs the tray of calamari rings and tosses the tray and rings to the floor.

"_So Hayami leaves the classroom, but not before she tosses all of Yui's calamari rings onto the floor. That's nice. Students now have no calamari rings to eat but at least Yui's been taught a lesson."_

We then see various scenes and clips.

"_Alright, so quick wrap-up of the first episode. Takuma stops Hayami from getting out of school. Later, Hayami decided to have instant noodles for lunch instead and Takuma tries to get to know Hayami better. But Yui's two douche henchmen broke into the room because Hayami isn't done with her-" DW gasps. "Horrific stealing of calamari rings. Takuma tries to stop them but Hayami tells him not to butt in and let her get beat up by the boys without anybody helping her."_

We now see Takuma, back at his home, woke up with a jerk. He breathed fast and his body was shaking. He crawls over to where his alarm clock.

"_That night, Takuma woke up from his sleep after having a bad dream. When suddenly…"_

Takuma presses his alarm clock. "The time is 2.38 AM." His clock said. Takuma sat up straight when he felt Otoha floating down and lands behind him.

"_Oh God. Not her again." DW groaned._

"Give me your hand." Otoha said, smiling. Takuma reluctantly did what she said and holds out his hand. Otoha grabs it and the scene turns white. We then see Otoha and Takuma standing together at the beach.

"_Wha-What?! What the hell?!"_

"Where are we?" Takuma asked. Otoha giggled as she ran over to the sea.

--

"STOP!!!" DW yelled, holding out his hands. "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?! They were at Takuma's house, and later they were at the beach?! What the hell is this?! The Jumper movie?!"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**Take a deep breath." Otoha said in Hayden Christiansen's voice. **_

_**Takuma grabs Otoha's hand and they teleport themselves to the beach.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_So after giving him the kiss of death, Otoha gave Takuma the temporary ability to see. Takuma makes use of his new ability and he meets up with Hayami."_

"I never imagined that it could be so beautiful." Takuma said, admiring the view of the mountains. He turns around and smiles at Hayami, with his eyes open.

Hayami widens her eyes in surprise.

Takuma smiled and holds out his hand. "Let's go together, Hayami-chan."

--

"So," DW sighed heavily. "That was the end of the first episode of H2O: Footprints in the Sand. It sucks and it's horrible!" DW bit down hard on his lower lip. "And you know what the worst part is?! I have to watch eleven more episodes of this god-awful show!!" DW sobbed onto his desk.

--

We now see various clips and scenes from episode 2.

"_So…" DW sighed heavily. "In episode 2, Takuma's new friends give him a tour around the village. During their tour, they bumped into Yui Tabata."_

"Get ready to be surprised, transfer student." Yui smirked. "All the paddy fields you see her belong to the Tabata family!" She then yelled at the top of her lungs, "I guess you could call me the hand of God who feeds the village!"

--

"You know, no offense Yui, but I prefer Sharpay Evans from High School Musical over you any time of the day. At least she has more class than you do!" DW said.

--

"Yui-sama, this isn't easy!" One of Yui's henchmen said as he and the other henchman are helping her pull the weeds in the paddy field.

"How come we're the only ones working?" The other henchman asked.

"Oh shut up! Follower A and B!" Yui scolded.

--

"Wait what?!" DW laughed.

--

"Oh shut up! Follower A and B!" Yui scolded.

--

"What?!" DW said, his grin widening. "Those are the names of her henchmen?! Follower A and B?! Then I suppose…"

(Picture of Nukid appears onscreen)

"His name is Author Fighter N!"

(Picture of Ichigo Kurosaki appears onscreen)

"Shinigami I!"

(Picture of Monkey D. Luffy appears onscreen)

"Pirate M!"

(Picture of Sasuke Uchiha appears onscreen)

"Evil ninja U!"

(Picture of Clare (From Claymore) appears onscreen)

"Female Knight C!"

We see DW again.

"And my name is DW64!" DW's smile then drops off and he arches an eyebrow. "Wait, what?"

--

We cut back to the anime and we see Takuma, Hinata, Maki and Hamaji now standing meters away from a wooden suspension bridge.

"_During their tour, they come across a suspension bridge. Takuma asked the girls what on the other side of the bridge. The girls said to Takuma NOT to cross the bridge because there's an evil monster living at the other side of the bridge."_

We now see Takuma crossing the bridge during the evening.

"_Of course, Takuma doesn't believe them and decided to cross the bridge."_

We now see Takuma walking over to a small waterfall and a pond. Takuma places his hand into the pond.

"_And who is the monster who lives at the other side of the bridge?"_

Takuma looks up and sees a naked Hayami bathing under the waterfall.

"_Yes, who else? Hayami Kohinata. And what's Takuma's punishment for seeing her naked under the waterfall?"_

We now see Takuma being tied up to a tree while Hayami sharpens her knife at a nearby rock.

--

DW's smile drops off and widens his eyes in shock.

--

"Um, Hayami-chan?" Takuma said. "You'll spoil your knife if you cut people up because of the fat and bones."

—

DW now looks uneasy and uncomfortable. "Should I be watching this?"

--

"It's okay." Hayami said icily as she turns to Takuma. "This one will be able to cut through little boys."

--

"My God! It's a feminine Hannibal Lector!" DW yelled in shock.

--

"Why are you talking about the Tenka Goken?!" Takuma yelled in fear with his eyes wide.

Hayami didn't reply and charges at him with his knife. Takuma yelled.

--

DW screamed as he covers his eyes.

--

Hayami slashes the rope that was tying Takuma with her knife and Takuma falls to the ground.

"Why did you come?" Hayami asked.

"I wanted to see the monster." Takuma replied.

--

"So she didn't kill him after all? What was the point of that scene then?" DW asked, shrugging.

_**THE BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT**_

"Oh don't butt in!" DW yelled, waving his hands.

--

We then see various scenes and clips of mostly Takuma and Hayami being together.

"_So, after that awkward murder scene, Takuma learns about Hayami's poor lifestyle and decided to help her out and become her best friend. However, Hinata is uneasy with Takuma's new relationship with Hayami." _

We then see various scenes and clips of Takuma and Hinata hanging out with each other.

"_So Hinata tries her best not to let Takuma hang out with Hayami the next day by making him walk with her together to school and have lunch together. But why does Hayami and Hinata don't see eye to eye?"_

We now see Takuma and Hayami sitting away from each other on a hill.

"I only had one close friend." Hayami said to Takuma. Takuma turns his head to her. ""Candy carries the taste of happiness. If you suck on it, a flower will blossom in your mouth" She said."

--

DW looks uncomfortable upon hearing what Hayami said. "Oooooookaaaaaay." He said.

--

"That's right…even she was separated from me." Hayami said sadly.

"So, where is she right now?" Takuma asked.

Just then, Hinata walks over to Takuma and from behind and yelled, "Hirose-sama!" Takuma turns his head to her. "So here you are." She smiled.

As Takuma stood up and faces Hinata, Hayami also stood up and walks away from them. "Ah, Hayami-chan." Takuma tried to call her but Hinata interrupts him.

"C'mon, let's head back." Hinata said. "That's right. Hirose-sama, have you ever tried candy?" She asked as she holds out her hand, revealing a wrapped candy. "Candy carries the taste of happiness. If you suck on it, a flower will blossom in your mouth." Takuma gasped upon hearing what she said. Those were the words Hayami said to her before.

"_That's right. Hinata used to be Hayami's best friend." DW said._

We then see various clips and scenes of Hayami and Hinata when they were little.

"_When they were little, Hayami had no friends, so Hayami decided to be her friend."_

We then see the people of the village burning down Hayami's house with their torches. Hayami widens her eyes in shock when she sees Hinata standing between the villagers. Hayami cried for help but Hayami, with tears in her eyes, turn around and run away.

"_However, it turns out Hinata was the granddaughter of the village elder while Hayami is a commoner and Hinata's grandfather objected their friendship. This causes Hinata to sever her ties with Hayami and causes their friendship to stop."_

We now see various clips and scenes from Episode 4.

_"One of the weird things in this anime happened in episode 4." DW explained. "In this episode, Takuma and his friends go to the beach. They were taking pictures at the beach until Hamaji's little sister named Yuki comes in and tries to take Hamaji home. However in the end, Takuma and the others agreed to let her stay. However, during their time at the beach, Takuma goes missing. Hamaji, Hinata, Maki and Yui think that Yuki has something to do with Takuma's disappearance. Yuki gets upset and runs away and swims into the sea. Unfortunately, her legs get cramped and she starts drowning. So Takuma goes into the sea to save her. However, he also ends up getting drowned so Hamaji saved him. For some strange reason, Hamaji does her CPR on Takuma in slow motion and Takuma regains consciousness."_

--

DW finishes his long explanation and took a very deep breath. "God, I need booze."

--

We now see Takuma and his friends having their bath and a local hot spring.

_"So about that weird thing, well it happens at the end of the episode. That night, they all took a bath and at a local hot spring. Takuma was relaxing until…"_

"Lovely bath, isn't it?" Hamaji asked Takuma while entering the hot spring with a towel wrapped around her body.

"Yep." Takuma replied. But then, he snaps his eyes open in shock when he realized that Hamaji is walking towards him naked. "Hamaji-chan?!"

--

"Oh no, NOT ANOTHER PERVERT JOKE, please!" DW yelled.

--

"As a token of gratitude, I'll wash your back. Takuma-kun." Hamaji smiled as she walks closer to Takuma, who is now shaking in fear.

"I appreciate the gesture, but that's a little-" Takuma screamed as Hamaji removes her towel. Takuma slowly opens his eyes and realizes that Hamaji is a MALE?!

**DUN DUN DUN**

"_OH MY GOD!!!" DW yelled._

--

DW drops his jaw in shock. "Hamaji is a BOY all along?!?! You mean when Hamaji gave CPR to Takuma, he-"

--

We see the scene where Hamaji gives CPR on Takuma by placing his lips onto Takuma's mouth again.

**DUN DUN DUN**

"_OH MY GOD!!!" DW screamed._

--

"BAD TOUCH!!!" An alarm rang as DW takes out his cellphone and said, "911 Emergency?! This anime has two boys giving each other lip-to-lip contact! Who knows what this anime will show me next, HURRY!"

--

We now see various clips and scenes from episode 5, 6 and 7.

"_So let's speed up this review. After a long series of uninteresting events, Takuma eventually get Hinata to talk to Hayami again. Hinata felt sorry for how she treated Hayami in the past, so she and Hayami became friends again. It is also revealed in the next episodes that Yui eventually starts to show a bit of compassion for Hayami and that Hinata's real name is Hotaru."_

We then see various clips and scenes from episode 10.

"_However in episode 10, Takuma and Hayami are then told by Hotaru's grandfather that it was Hayami's family that drove Takuma's mother to suicide. This causes Takuma to hate Hayami and kicks her out of his house."_

We now see various clips and scenes from episode 11.

"_In the next episode, after getting beat up by…"DW sighed. "Follower A and B once more, Hayami meets up with Takuma, who felt sorry for kicking her out of his house."_

"I thought that I might catch you if I came here." Takuma said to Hayami while holding up an umbrella.

"_Wait a minute, why are Takuma's lips barely moving at all?!" DW asked._

"Sorry for saying such strange things." He continued.

"_Now, his mouth isn't even moving at all!"_

"But that's not it. That wasn't what I wanted to say." Takuma said as he holds the umbrella over Hayami. But Hayami slaps Takuma's hand, causing him to drop the umbrella.

"Stop with the lies." Hayami said icily. "The Kohinatas are the ones who pushed your mother into suicide."

Lightning strikes at Takuma said to Hayami, "That's not true. It wasn't your fault."

Hayami turns around and yelled, "I'M THE SAME AS THEM!"

We then see Takuma yelled in anger and frustration. He grabs Hayami by the collar and tosses her to the muddy ground. Takuma then continuously pummels her as he thinks about his mother's death.

"_So Hayami urges Takuma to vent his anger and frustration by making him beat the crap out of her until she's unconscious."_

Takuma widens his eyes in realization. He looks down at Hayami and sees her unconscious.

"Hayami-chan?" Takuma asked. But she didn't respond. "I…." Takuma stood up and backs away from the unconscious girl. "I…" He yelled at the top of his lungs as lightning strikes again.

--

"Wow." DW said. "He yelled so loud that lightning strikes. Is he trying to be He-Man?"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!" Takuma yelled at the top of his lungs as lightning strikes.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

We then see Takuma woke up at his home, however, he lost the ability to see again. His uncle, Hotaru and Yui felt relieved to see him awake.

"_Okay, I was just kidding. So Takuma woke back up at his home, however he lost the ability to see."_

"My eyes." Takuma said as he holds up his hand. However, he couldn't see it. "I can't see anymore!" His uncle, Hotaru and Yui looks confused.

We now see various clips and scenes.

"_So it turns out Takuma couldn't see all along and realizes that his eyes were closed the whole time. This drove Takuma insane after he believes everything he experienced was an illusion._

--

"Err…Isn't he already insane from the beginning?" DW arches an eyebrow.

--

We now see Takuma's uncle and Hayami having a conservation with Hotaru's grandfather. Hotaru looks worried while Hamaji and Yui listen to their conservation from outside.

"_And it doesn't help that the village elder thinks that because of Hayami's presence, it causes Takuma to suffer greatly and he has already informed Takuma's father about the incident."_

We now see Hayami walking down the road; however, two men arrived with guns in their arms. Hayami ran away from them however she stopped when she sees Hotaru's grandfather walking over to her. She look at him in shock.

"_So Hayami decided to leave the village for good. However, Hotaru's grandfather hires two henchmen and they all come in and TRY TO KILL HER!"_

--

"Just how powerful is this village elder?!" DW asked, frowning. "Does he also have a battalion of vampire Nazi soldiers?!"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**Do you vish for a stormlike conflict vich runs the gamut of blowing steel und striking flame, killing ewery crow in the entire vorld?!?!" The village elder asked in the Major's voice.**_

_**We cut to a scene from Hellsing Ultimate OVA 4.**_

"_**Krieg! Krieg! Krieg! Krieg, Krieg, Krieg!" The vampire Nazis chanted.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

We then see Takuma pushing the village elder away, yelling angrily at him.

"_But fortunately, I think, Takuma comes in and saves Hayami."_

"Don't bully my Mum!" Takuma yelled angrily. He picks up some sand and stone from the ground and throws them at him. "Get lost!"

"What are you doing, Takuma-kun?" The village elder asked in shock.

"_Er, you know you have a freaking gun in hand right?" DW asked. "You could just, oh I don't know, SHOOT HIM INSTEAD OF JUST STANDING THERE?!?!"_

"Hirose!" Hayami yelled. She runs over to Takuma and restrains him.

"No! Let go!" Takuma protested. "Let go!"

"Please."

Takuma stops struggling. "Mum?" He then faints and his head tilt to the side.

--

"Wow. I guess what Hayami said to him took everything out of him." DW said.

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_So quick wrap-up, Takuma's uncle and Hotaru comes in as well, Hotaru told her grandfather that she called the police, Hotaru's grandfather gets arrested, Takuma eventually recovered from his insanity and regains his sight and Hayami gets killed by a train."_

"Hayami-chan!" Takuma screamed as he tries to run over to Hayami. Hayami turns around and smiles one last time before she gets hit by an oncoming train.

--

(Mario's death music plays)

DW shrugs.

--

"_So Takuma returns to the village years later."_

We now see Takuma, now a teenager, standing next to a giant wooden wind wheel. He smiles as he watches the wheel spin.

"Hayami-chan." He said.

"Stop!" He turns his head when he heard the voice. He sees a small girl who looks exactly like Otoha running away from a wild boar.

"_Oh God, not her again." DW groans._

The girl runs out of the forest, jumps onto Takuma and they both fall to the ground. The wild boar runs past them.

The girl smiled at Takuma and grabs his cheeks. "It's been a while, hasn't it? You sure have grown up."

--

"Now I can grow some hormones with you!" DW smiles.

--

"It was hard to convince the Spirit Committee to do this. So watch her properly this time, okay?" Otoha winks at Takuma before leaving.

Takuma rose up from the ground. "That was…" He said. He looks up and widens his eyes in shock as he sees who was walking over to him.

--

"Jee, I wonder who 's walking to her?" DW asked in fake confusion.

--

Takuma sees Hayami, now a teenager and dressed in a black dress walking up to him.

"_Who else? Hayami! What a shocker." DW laughed._

"Hayami-chan." Takuma said, smiling at Hayami.

Hayami turns to him and smiles back. The two look at each other for a while before turning to the giant wind wheel.

"_So they both live happily ever after, the camera pans back and the anime comes to an end."_

_--_

"So that was H2O: Footprints in the Sand. It sucks, do I need to say more?" DW shrugs.

--

We see various clips and scenes from the show.

_"The show has more pointless plot points than the Star Wars prequels, it's badly written, the characters are uninteresting, the animation quality is BAD and on top of all that, it's a complete waste of time watching this god awful anime!"_

--

"Fuck this anime! Fuck it to hell! Fuck it to oblivion! Fuck it to damnation of mankind!" DW bellowed. "I'm the Anime critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd!" He stood up and walks out of the room. "I MEAN GEEZ!"

**THE END**

DW: And that's the end of the review. I hope you guys enjoy it. Also guys, I'll be posting my next original story Serenity tomorrow. So stay tune for that as well. Stay tune for my next review and read and review!


	4. Tekken: The Motion Picture

DW: I would like to thank X Prodigy, Jean Kazuhiza, DarkMagicianmon, Nukid, TLSoulDude and Amber Pegasus for reviewing. You guys rock!

**_NOTE: Read my oneshot 'DW VS Jean Kazuhiza: The Epic Battle' first before reading this._**

**_Chapter 4: Tekken: the Motion Picture_**

Trumpet music plays as we see a photo of DW and Jean smiling as they stand in front of the Statue of Liberty. We then see another photo of DW and Jean folding their arms as they pose in front of Mount Rushmore. We then see DW and Jean shrugging with the Eiffel Tower in the background. We then see another photo of DW and Jean laughing as an atomic bomb explodes behind them in the background. We then see one last photo of DW and Jean, both placing their hands on their hips with Mount Fuji in the background as they smile at the camera.

**_Anime Critic and Jean Kazuhiza_**

The music stops playing as we now see DW, dressed in his black t-shirt, blue cap, blue jeans and black shoes sitting on a metal chair while holding a cup of coffee.

Sitting next to him on a metal chair was Jean Kazuhiza, dressed in a white t-shirt with an Autobot symbol on it, blue jeans and blue boots. He also holds a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Hello everybody. I'm the Anime Critic." DW greeted.

"And I'm Jean Kazuhiza." Jean nodded.

"And welcome to this special joint review featuring the Anime Critic and Jean Kazuhiza." DW said.

"And boy do we have a great review for all of you today. Don't we, DW?" Jean asked, turning to DW.

"We sure do." DW said. The anonymous crowd laughs and claps their hands as DW and Jean both chuckled and they make a toast with their cups and take a sip of their coffee.

"I bet a lot of you are wondering, what are we going to review today?" DW said.

(Video clips of BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger, Street Fighter 4, King of Fighters XII, Soul Calibur 4, Tekken 6, Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe and Fight Night Round 4 appear onscreen)

"Well, DW and I are both huge fighting game fans and seeing how much we love playing fighting games, it only figures that we should collaborate on something that's related to fighting games." Jean said.

"And boy, do we have the biggest piece of shit-fucking…" DW yelled.

"Cock-blowing…" Jean yelled.

"Horse-raping…"

"Monkey-jerking…"

"Ass-biting…"

"Dick-knocking…"

"BIGGEST PIECE OF COW DIARRHEA WE EVER SEEN IN OUR LIVES!" DW and Jean shouted. "Tekken: The Motion Picture!"

DW and Jean took a sip of their coffees before putting their cups down on a nearby table. "More like the Motion Garbage!" Jean yelled.

**_Tekken: The Motion Picture Review_**

(We see various clips and scenes from the movie)

"In 1998, an actual animated movie based on the Tekken fighting franchise was made. And in case you guys don't know, Tekken is a video game series about some evil old man named Heihachi organizes a fighting tournament called King of Iron Fist tournament and anyone who can defeat him will become the head of his company or some shit like that." DW said.

"This movie is so horrible that some critics are actually calling it the biggest piece of dump they ever seen in their lives." Jean added.

"This movie is pretty much the worst thing to ever hold the Tekken name on it." DW said, narrowing his eyes.

"So sit back everyone and let's watch this hideous piece of crap." Jean nods his head.

--

We then see the opening scene of the movie.

_"So the movie begins with a retarded monologue from the narrator." DW said._

"Since the beginning of history, people have fought in the name of God. Bending to their demands of their fickled dignity and screaming for righteousness, they wantingly spill the blood of their enemies…as well as their own…"

--

"Fickled?" DW arches an eyebrow.

"Wantingly?" Jean said confused. He turns to DW and asked, "What kind of English words are these?" DW shrugged.

--

"The purpose behind this bloodshed however goes beyond simple explanations of religion and motions of justice. The truth is buried deep within those who rage the wars."

_"Human beings are kinda stupid that way." Jean said._

"Since the birth of this planet, a memory has become deeply engraved onto the genes of all living things. A memory of aggression as a means of…"

--

"Good Lord, how long is this?" DW asked.

"It's like Tekken the audio book." Jean said.

--

"Humans seek to defend their actions in the name of Truth. The act of fighting is itself, a true act. Without this truth, the fighter shall…"

--

"ARGH!" DW and Jean yelled in frustration.

"How long are we suppose to listen to this crap?!" DW yelled.

"This isn't a bill for healthcare, let's get to the freaking action already!" Jean added.

--

"To master the way, ask your own can or fist. Because complete knowledge of one's flesh, blood and fist is what creates one's Tekken! And Tekken…is the key…to life!"

We then see the title of the movie.

_'Tekken: The Motion Picture'_

--

"Wait, I miss something. Can you start it again?" DW asked.

**"NOOOO!!!!!!!"** The anonymous crowd yelled.

--

We now see a young girl crying over a dead rabbit in her arms. A boy then appears behind her.

_"So our movie FINALLY begins with a girl crying over a dead rabbit. And a boy named Kazuya appears behind her." Jean said._

"Why are you crying?" Kazuya asked the girl.

"The bobcat…" The girl sobbed. "It clawed on this rabbit…"

"Stop crying. I'll get that bobcat for you." Kazuya said. "Don't cry anymore." The girl turns her head to him.

Kazuya smiled as he said, "I came here to be the best fighter in the whole world."

--

"So that I can rule the entire world." DW said as he and Jean shrugged.

--

We now see an old man with spiky hair named Heihachi, grabs Kazuyza by the shoulder and lifts him up.

"Why are you wasting your time here?! You have better things to be doing! You are weak!" Heihachi yelled at his son.

He then grabs Kazuya's trinket and throws it away to the ground.

_"We then see the main villain of the movie, Heihachi Mishima, who unfortunately is Kazuya's father. Being the asshole he is, he grabs Kazuya's trinket and throws it to the ground." DW said._

"What are you doing?!" Kazuya yelled.

"No son of mine will be this weak!" Heihachi said as he walks away with his son. "I'll make sure of it!"

_"I hope one day to train you into an anime version of Deathstroke." DW said._

We then see Heihachi walking over to the edge of a cliff. He holds up his son over the cliff, preparing to drop him.

_"Heihachi then takes him to the top of a cliff and do what all fathers do to their sons, toss them off the cliff and kill them." Jean said._

_"What?" DW asked._

Heihachi tosses Kazuya off the cliff.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Kazuya screamed as he plummets through the air.

_ "Good Lord! I know Heihachi is the main villain of the movie but this is really pushing it." DW said._

--

A woman gasped as she jolted upright from her bed. She looked around her room. "It was a dream."

_"The flashback turns out to be a dream, dreamt by the main woman of the movie, Jun Kazama, who was the girl from before." Jean said._

--

"Okay, wait a minute. If the flashback we saw earlier was supposed to be Kazuya's flashback, why the hell was Jun the one who's dreaming about it?" DW asked Jean.

"I don't know." Jean shrugged. "It's kinda misleading. It's kinda like we are watching someone's bad dream but it turns out to be seen by someone else."

--

**_Cutaway Gag…_**

**_We then see MistressOfDawn's dream from Author fighters: The Howling._**

**_Mistress shook her head before closing her eyes tightly. "No…no…"_******

**_"Admit it. Admit it wolf girl." Silencer whispered_**

**_"No…I didn't kill them…I would never kill them."_**

**_"It was for the best. They were going to disown you anyway."_**

**_Mistress said nothing before looking back at the two bodies, which were beyond recognition now. "_****_I didn't…I didn't mean to…" Mistress said. Suddenly, the mirror image of herself that stood in front of her parents lunged at her with a killing intent…_**

**_--_**

**_We cut to scene from Author Fighters: War with the Legacy._******

**_"Aah!" Nukid gasped, violently jolted upright. His body was sweating and his breathing was heavy._**

**_End of Gag…_**

--

"See? It makes no sense." DW said as he and Jean shrug.

--

We then see the Merlion and the city of Singapore.

_"We then see…Oh My God, my home country?!?!" DW yelled._

--

DW screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Calm down, DW! Everything's going to be okay!" Jean said, trying to calm DW down.

"No it's not!" DW sobbed. "This horrible movie is taking place in my country!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

_"Okay, so there's a lot of story so listen carefully. So it turns out Jun Kazama is an inspector working for an organization called 3WC. Her superior tells her that a group of fishermen discovered a decomposing dinosaur corpse." Jean paused for a moment. "Okay. But the corpse was stolen before their inspection team arrives. But they managed to collect cells from the fishing net and test it. However, the gene combination doesn't exist in nature and it's believed to be man-made. Her superior believes a company known as Mishima Zaibatsu is collecting these genes to produce bio-enhanced weapons and of course, take over the world."_

**M. Bison: OF COURSE!**

_"So her superior ask Jun to infiltrate their fortress and take down Heihachi by taking part in a fighting tournament known as the King of Iron Fist." _

--

Jean then let out a huge sigh. "God, we need booze." He said.

"Yeah." DW nodded. He and Jean then took a sip of their coffee.

--

We now see Jun in a park, leaning against the gate. She holds out her hand as a seagull flies over to her.

"Kazama Yu wasn't meant for show." Jun said as she lowers her head. Suddenly, she turns her head away in pain when she felt a strange feeling.

"There's that feeling again." Jun said, her eyes shaking.

_"The feeling of bad acting." Jean added._

A man then walks up to her from behind and smiled.

_"So we see a man walks up to her and suddenly attacks her." DW said._

The man yells as he punches towards Jun. Jun quickly turns her head around, grabs the man's arm and tosses him away. The man was thrown a few feet away from Jun and lands on the ground safely.

"Who are you?!" Jun demanded.

"I'm Lei Wulong of the Hong Kong International Police Force." The man introduced himself as he holds out a hand.

--

"That's why I attacked you. It's every policeman's way of saying hi." DW said as Jean drinks his coffee.

--

"I receive an invitation to Mishima's event as well. The 3WC ask me to work with you in your investigation." Wulong said.

"I don't know how you managed to get an invitation with that skill." Jun said as she shakes Wulong's hand. "Maybe you're actually working for the Mishima Corporation."

"Maybe we guys just have a weakness for pretty woman." Wulong said as he winks his eye.

--

DW and Jean shivered in fear as they see Wulong. "Eeeww…" DW said.

"Cheeky police officer, isn't he?" Jean said, cringing.

"Yeah. I mean isn't this how all policemen from Hong Kong act?" DW said.

--

"If you have to be there, just please, don't get in my way." Jun said as she walks away from Wulong.

"Don't underestimate Mishima." Wulong said as he watches Jun walk away. "There's no coincidence that we got these invitations. They know exactly who we are and what we do. If we are careless, these invitations could be a flattering one way ticket to hell."

Suddenly, we cut to the next scene and see some statues.

--

"AAAHHH!!!!" DW and Jean both yelled in shock.

"What the fuck?!" DW added.

--

We then see Heihachi kneeling before the statues. A man named Lee Chaolan appears behind him and talks to him.

_"So we see Heihachi talking to his other son, Lee Chaolan, who probably has the worst voice ever." Jean said._

"Father, there are three days until the fight." Lee said in a whiny voice. "We have completed our preparations for the arch and stand ready for-"

"What have you done about him?" Heihachi asked.

_"And your voice for Christ's Sake?!" DW said._

"It is not necessary to worry about my brother. He renounced his heritage a lot time ago. There is very little possibility of his returning for the competition." Lee said before disappearing.

_"Now if you would excuse me," DW said in Lee's whiny voice. "I'm off to go sucking some more helium."_

We now see a flashback of young Kazuya climbing up the mountains as his entire body is bruised and bleeding.

_"We then cut back to Kazuya's flashback." DW said._

"I can't die." Kazuya breathed heavily. "Not yet. I have to kill him for what he did!" He narrows his eyes angrily. "I have…to kill my father."

"That is true. You must not die." A voice said as something magical appears in front of Kazuya.

--

"Eh? Fairy Godfather?" Jean said puzzled as he and DW arch their eyebrows.

--

We then see the Devil's red eyes.

_"Actually, that's the Devil, who promised Kazuya enough power to take revenge on his father." Jean said. "Isn't the story of this movie stupid enough already?"_

Kazuya snaps open his eyes and rose up from his bed. "It's that dream again…" He said.

--

"WHOA!" DW and Jean hold their hands and leans back on their chairs.

"When did Kazuya turned into Vegeta?" Jean asked.

--

We then see Kazuya pressing his hand on the scar on his chest.

_"I mean look like him! He looks nothing like his game counterpart!" Jean said as a picture of the game version of Kazuya appears onscreen._

"Something dark is growing inside of me. This feeling is scratching and clawing to get out." Kazuya said.

_"Well that just perms my hair." DW added._

We then see a spy named Nina Williams hanging outside the window of Kazuya's apartment and shoots several bullets at the window with her rifle.

_"But suddenly, Kazuya got attacked by a hot spy chick sent by Lee." DW said._

After shooting, Nina jumps into the apartment and looks around. Unaware to her, Kazuya is hanging on the ceiling behind her.

Nina gasped as she turns her head around and sees him. She aims her rifle at him but Kazuyza kicks the rifle off of her hand and gets into his fighting stance.

"Did my father sent you?!" Kazuya asked.

Nina draws out a knife and swings at him. Kazuya dodges it but Nina kicks him in the midsection and Kazuya falls back onto the wall. Nina swings her knife again but Kazuya quickly ducked down and the two look at each other for a few seconds. Kazuya then uppercuts Nina in the chin.

_"Oh yeah, maybe I should have attack you again instead of just staring at you." DW said._

Kazuya kicks Nina out of the window but Nina quickly took out a grenade and throws it into his apartment. Kazuya jumps out of the window as his apartment explodes. Kazuya dives towards the water and we cut to his apartment now destroyed with smoke fuming out of the window.

_"What?" DW said._

Kazuya then comes out from the surface of the water and gasps for air.

_"Wait what?! You never show him splash into the water?!" DW yelled._

_"Editing at its best, folks." Jean added._

We then cut to Lee's huge mansion and we see a woman named Anna bathing in the shower.

_"So then we cut to, whoa whoa whoa…" Jean said._

Anna turns around, showing her breasts. Fortunately, the sensor bar censored the breasts for the audience.

_"Wow, I've never seen a poorer excuse for nudity in an animated movie."_

Later, Lee was talking on the phone as Anna walks out of the bathroom dressed in a bathrobe.

"What the assassination failed?" Lee said. "Dammit!" He said with a straight face as he hangs up his phone.

--

"I'm angry dammit!" DW said with a straight face as well. "Really!"

--

"It sounds like my sister missed the mark." Anna said as she hands Lee a cup of wine.

"She's more trouble than she's worth." Lee said as he takes the cup and Anna sits next to him.

"I wished she killed Kazuya for you and then killed along with him." Anna said.

"Well well, enough of your sister's truly heartwarming." Lee smirked.

"But I forget about the undying affection between you and your brother."

"That's enough!" Lee said through gritted teeth. "As long as my brother's alive, then I'm the adopted son of second rate clout!"

--

"I'm so angry that I have to talk with my jaws shut!" Jean said angrily through gritted teeth.

--

We see Anna goes on top of Lee and they both make out on bed.

_"So after the two goes jerking off…" DW said._

We then see Wulong and Jun walking through a harbor.

_"We see Wulong and Jun preparing to go to the island and participate in the tournament."_

"According to the hotel manager, the room was vacant last night. We question some guests though and some reported hearing gunfire. I think someone's pressuring the manager to keep play." Wulong said to Jun. They then both see their boat parked ahead. "Oh. We better hurry. I think that's our boat to hell."

--

"Hell's nothing." DW shrugged. "You should see Outworld."

**_Cutaway Gag…_**

**_We see a cutscene from Mortal Kombat VS DC universe where all the MK characters entered the Outworld through a portal. They look around in shock and disbelief. The entire Outworld was destroyed and asteroids and debris float through space._**

**_"What happened?" Shang Tsung asked in shock._**

**_"This is Outworld?" Baraka added._**

**_"Look at the bright side. At least this doesn't look as horrible as the movie DW and Jean are watching right now." Raiden said._**

**_End of Gag…_**

--

We then see an agent being punched to the ground. Two more agents quickly run over and stand in front of the man who attacked him. The attacker turns out to be Jack-2 and he carries a little girl on his shoulder.

_"However, a man named Jack-2 is causing some trouble at the boat." Jean said. "So what did Jun and Wulong do?"_

Jun and Wulong both charged over to the agents and knock them down.

_"They help him?!" Jean said in shock._

_"Oh yeah, sure! Since you're the one causing trouble, we'll help you cause some more!" DW added._

"What's going on down there?!" Lee asked from the balcony of the boat.

One of the agents looked up and said, "Mr. Lee?"

We then see Bruce and Jack both glancing at each other as they prepare themselves to fight. Jack sets the girl down but the girl wraps her arms around his leg. Jack assured the girl that he will not lose as Jun takes the girl away from the two men.

_"After finding out what's the commotion all about, Lee sends out one of his bodyguards named Bruce Irvin to fight with Jack." Jean said._

"Oh that's very touching." Bruce said in an African American accent as he tilts his neck and cracks his knuckles. "Sorry that your little girl has to see this."

_"You like my Busta Rhymes accent? I hope you like it, motherfucka!" DW said in a gangsta voice._

Bruce charges towards Jack. He punches Jack in the abdomen but this causes his knuckles to crack. Bruce yells in pain. Jack growls as he stomps his foot and punches Bruce hard in the face, sending him flying into the water.

_"So of course Jack easily defeats Bruce and Lee invites him to participate in the tournament." Jean said._

Wulong and Jun both watch Jack and his girl walk over to the boat.

"Hmph, a fighter with a little girl?" Wulong said.

"Poor girl, I think she's really sick." Jun said. Wulong turns to her. "I felt her spirit fading while she's just standing there." She then said in her thoughts, _'And that man. He's like a manikin. I felt nothing from him at all.'_

--

DW and Jean both look uncomfortable. DW turns to Jean. "Does Jun have the ability to feel people's inner bodies?" DW asked his Chilean friend.

"Not in any Tekken games I've played." Jean shook his head.

--

We cut back to Jun.

_"I mean seriously, what do you think Jun thinks about these other characters with her inner body feelings?" DW said._

**_Cutaway Gag…_**

**_We see Natsu (From Fairy Tail) performing an attack. He slams his fists together and yelled, "Take this! Iron Fist of the Fire dragon!" He then leaps into the air with fire flaming his fist._**

_"Oh yeah, this guy. He's like a dragon. He feels so hot with that body. I felt like he's on fire." Jun said._

**_We then see Ichigo Kurosaki pointing his Zangestu sword at Byakuya. "Ban…kai!" He yelled as he shot a blast of energy towards Byakuya with his sword._**

_"And this guy. He's like a monster. I felt like he has an inner demon inside of him or something." Jun said._

**_We then see Monkey D. Luffy preparing an attack against Rob Lucci. "Gomu Gomu No…" He then shot several punches at Lucci. His fists collided onto Lucci's body, making him groan in pain. _**

**_"Jet Gatling!!!!!" Luffy yelled at the top of his lungs as he punches Lucci continuously with his attack._**

_"And this guy. He's like he's made of dough. I felt so much rubber inside him. I wonder if his assets are rubbery too?" Jun said._

**_End of Gag…_**

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

_"Okay, back to the movie. So they both got onto the boat, Kazuya joins in as well and they all arrived at the island, preparing to fight in the tournament. While Kazuya is preparing for the tournament, Jun decides to talk to him and they have a moment together." DW explained._

"Who are you?" Kazuya asked Jun.

"I have something for you." Jun said as she walks up to him.

"This, it's yours right?" Jun asked as she holds up Kazuya's trinket. Kazuya widens his eyes. "This picture." She opens up the trinket. "It's your mother, isn't it? She looks like a kind gentle woman."

"I told you you're mistaken!" Kazuya yelled as he slaps Jun's hand, causing her to drop the trinket to the floor.

--

"OW!" DW yelled as he leans back on his chair.

"Bad Kazuya!" Jean added.

--

We see Jun talking angrily to Kazuya and then see various pictures of Jun searching for Kazuya when she was young.

_"So Jun tells Kazuya that she was the girl who Kazuya tried to help when they were young and she tells him that she search all over for him for days and finally realize he's still alive after sixteen years." Jean said._

"But look at you! Your hatred for your father has been consuming you since that day! I feel nothing but a cold spirit in you just like a devil!" Jun yelled.

"You don't know anything!" Kazuya snapped. He then tears off his singlet, revealing his scar on his chest.

--

"Wow, he tears off his singlet as if it was made out of tissue paper." Jean said. DW nodded in agreement.

--

"The pain from this injury has stayed with me. When I was climbing that cliff, I came close to losing consciousness many times…" Kazuya explained.

The scene then goes fast-forward.

_"Blah blah, he gets injured after falling off the cliff. Blah blah, he hates his father ever since. He wants revenge on his father so he sold his soul to the Devil and become stronger. He's crazy, psycho and retarded." DW said. "NEXT SCENE!"_

We then see all the fighters including Kazuya, Jun and Wulong gathered at the beach and outside a building. Lee walks up to the balcony and gives out a speech and the rules of the tournament.

_"So then we see all the fighters gathered around to get ready and fight in the tournament. Lee makes some bullshit speech and the rules of the tournament. He tells the fighters to run through the jungle, survive all the fights and the first one who reaches the tower at the end of the island will face Heihachi." Jean said._

Heihachi walks over to the balcony, revealing himself to the fighters.

_"And speaking about Heihachi, here he is right now." DW said._

"Father." Kazuya growled.

"Defeat me and you win one billion dollars and the title of world's strongest!" Heihachi yells to the fighters.

"Heihachi Mishima!" A girl named Michelle Chang yelled as she runs up to the building. "This is payback!" She leaps into the air and throws an axe at Heihachi. Heihachi grabs the axe with his mouth and smashes it with his teeth.

_"So a girl named Michelle throws an axe at Heihachi. Heihachi then, I'm not kidding, catches it with his mouth and smashes it by biting with his teeth." DW said._

_"Damn! Who does he think he is? A villain from One Piece?" Jean asked._

_"And of course, Jun tells us how she **feels** about the upcoming tournament." DW groaned._

_'That cold feeling is back.'_ Jun said in her thoughts. _'It's swirling all around me. Can I overcome it?'_

We then see various fighting scenes from the movie.

_"So all the fighters run their way through the jungle and we see various lame and disappointing fighting scenes." Jean said._

We see Kazuya kicks Baek in the face. Then we see Michelle punching Ganryu's midsection with her elbow. Ganryu vomits blood from his mouth and falls to the ground.

We cut to the fight scene between Melon and Yell from Akikan!

_"Oh come on you guys, the fight scenes in Akikan are more entertaining than this!" DW said._

We then see Wulong sneaking over to a guard from behind.

_"While this is going on, Wulong tries to sneak into the underground lab by taking out some of the most suckiest guards ever." Jean said._

Wulong covers the guard's mouth from behind. He taps gently on the guard's neck and the guard passes out. He then throws a stone down from the mountain. The stone hit one of the guards and the guard falls into the water. The other guard turns his head and yelled, "What's wrong?"

Wulong yells as he jumps down from the mountain and kicks the guard in the face. The guard falls into the water as well.

_"Geez, Heihachi's guards kinda suck at their job." DW said. "They are even more stupider than Cobra!"_

**_Cutaway Gag…_**

**_"COBRA!!!" Cobra Commander yelled._**

**_End of Gag…_**

We then see Jack-2 talking to Wulong. Wulong turns around and sees Jack's girl hiding behind some rocks.

_"So Jack-2 joins in as well and tells him he wants to help him get into the underground lab so that he can look for a professor named Dr. Boskonovitch who he believes is the only one who can save the girl Jack carries along with her." DW explained._

Jack-2, with the girl on his shoulder, and Wulong walk up to the lab's door.

_"So Jack helps Wulong breaks into the lab." DW said._

(Superman theme plays)

Jack uses his laser eyes to put in the code on the lab's door system. After he puts in the code, the door automatically opens and Jack and Wulong both walk into the lab.

We then see Jack and Wulong both walk through the lab until they encounter a group of robotic henchmen.

_"So they walk through the lab until they encounter a group of robots. So we get of course, another lame action scene." Jean said._

Jack and the one robot grab each other's hands and push each other with all their strength. Another boto swings his fist at Wulong. Wulong quickly ducked down and kicks the robot on the legs. The robot staggered back, only for Wulong to jump into the air and kicks him off the bridge. Jack tears off the robot's arm and uppercuts him into the air.

The third and last robot then draws out a chainsaw from his arm.

--

"Wait a minute; the robots have a chainsaw installed inside them all along? If so, then why didn't the robots use it before?!" Jean asked. DW shrugged.

--

The robot swings his chainsaw at Jack. Jack blocks it with his arm, but the chainsaw gave a deep cut on arm. Jack then grabs the robot's head and crashes it with his hand.

We then see Wulong walking up to Jack while carrying the girl in his arms. He sees Jack's injured arm and widens his eyes as he sees metal and wires inside his arm.

_"So the girl had a seizure during the fight and they have to hurry. Wulong also discovered that Jack was a cyborg all along." DW explained._

We then cut to the next scene and see Kazuya and Jun standing in front of each other in the jungle.

"I know how you're feeling." Jun said. "How your hatred is slowly…"

--

"SHUT UP!" DW and Jean yelled.

--

We cut back to Jun talking to Kazuya.

_"Good Lord! She can feel almost anything!" DW said. "I feel cold around my bottom."_

_"I suddenly have this feeling of sloppiness flowing through my body." Jean added._

_"Maybe it's how I feel about this movie or the fact I started bathing again." DW added._

We then see Jun and Kazuya get into their fighting stances.

_"So Kazuya still doesn't listen to Jun and they decided to fight each other. Oh great, because we aren't disappointed with the movie's action enough." DW said._

Suddenly, Jun lifts her head up when she sense something coming out nearby.

_"However, Jun sensed something coming their way." Jean said._

"There's some kind of life nearby that's violent and out for blood." Jun said as she turns her head to the trees beside them.

"Do you sense it?" Kazuya asked, turning his head as well.

_"Well, I sense it's a…" Jean said._

We suddenly cut to Heihachi kneeling in a dark room.

_"Oh, we got a cutscene, I'll tell you later. Geez."_

We then see Jack and Wulong entering a room. Wulong widens his eyes as he sees that the room is filled with embryos floating in tanks of greenish liquid.

_"So Wulong and Jack walk into a room and made a shocking discovery." DW said._

"This must be the biological weapons that 3WC have been talking about." Wulong said. "I really didn't think anything could surprise me anymore, but I was wrong, am I?"

Suddenly, we see Wulong got punched by someone and staggers back.

_"But suddenly," DW said. "He got punched by a…"_

A brown kangaraoo with boxing gloves jumps out from the tanks behind.

_"A kangaroo with boxing gloves. I really wish I was making that up."_

"You're kidding me, is this some kind of joke?!" Wulong asked in shock. The kangaroo jumps forward and punches Wulong in the face again. Wulong backs away to Jack and said, "Don't let the cute fuzzy looks fool you. He packs a punch."

_"Gosh, what a lame one-liner." Jean said in Jack's voice._

_"What? That's the best I can come up with!" DW said in Wulong's voice._

"No! Stop that!" A voice yelled. The kangaroo turns around and a bold old man with glasses and dressed in a white coat and walks over.

"Professor." Jack said.

_"So they both found the professor, Dr. Boskonovitch." DW said._

We suddenly cut to Nina and Anna standing in front of each other in the jungle.

_"But we have no more time for him! We got another crappy fight scene coming our way! This time with Nina and Anna." Jean said._

Anna yells as she jumps into the air and brings her fists down upon Nina. Nina blocks her fists with her arm. Nina backs away as Nina ducks on the ground and kicks towards her face.

Nina quickly side steps and grabs her leg, pinning her to the ground. She twists it, making Anna cry in pain. Anna quickly draws out a knife from her dress from her leg and throws it at Nina. Nina yelp[s in pain as the knife stabs her arm.

Suddenly, a robotic dinosaur appears behind Anna and opens his mouth.

_"But suddenly, she got killed by, okay, when did this movie becomes Jurassic Park?!" DW said._

Anna gasped as she turns around. She screamed in agony as the dinosaur began devouring her up.

Jun and Kazuya both heard Anna's scream and they quickly got into their fighting stances, preparing to fight what's coming out from the trees around them.

--

"Hey DW." Jean said, turning to DW.

"What is it, Jean?" DW turns to Jean.

"I bet ten bucks that Jun is going to say how she _feels _about the upcoming threat that awaits them."

"NO!" DW yelled. "No more feelings! I can't stand it anymore!"

--

"This feeling. It's all killing. No remorse." Jun said to Kazuya.

--

"DAMMIT!" DW yelled as he bangs his fist on the table. Jean laughs triumphantly.

"Pay up, DW!" Jean said as he holds out his hand.

"Fine!" DW said as he takes out his wallet and pull out ten bucks from it.

--

The dinosaurs appeared before Jun and Kazuya and they all charge towards the two fighters at all sides.

"Alright!" Kazuya yelled as the dinosaurs prepare to attack him and Jun.

We suddenly cut to the next scene and see Dr. Boskonovitch treating the girl on a table. Jack and Wulong watch him.

_"What?! Now this scene?!" Jean said._

--

"This movie jumps around more a grasshopper on a jack rabbit on a Mexican jumping bean on a pogo stick!" Jean yelled. DW turns to him and arches an eyebrow. Jean turns to him and added, "THIS MOVIE SUCKS!"

--

We then various clips and scenes.

_"So while the doctor treats the girl, Jack explains to Wulong that he's a robot created by Dr. Boskonovitch for the Russian military. During his time, he met this girl and when she felt sick, he escapes the military to find Dr. Boskonovitch. Dr. Boskonovitch explains to Wulong that Jack is a special robot because he installed a program inside him to make him feel conscience and help him makes his own decisions or some shit like that." Jean explained._

_"But who cares about all this?! I just want to get to the freaking action!" DW yelled._

We then cut to the next scene and we see one of the dinosaurs try to attack Jun. But Jun jumps back and smashes his head with her fists. Another dinosaur jumps towards her and swings his claws at her. Jun yells in pain as she gets hit.

Meanwhile, another dinosaur swings his claws at Kazuya but Kazuya quickly kicks him in the head. The dinosaur then backs away and turns invisible.

"Something is very wrong here!" Kazuya said.

_"Uh yeah, you think?!" DW said._

Another dinosaur appears behind Kazuya and slashes his back with his claws. Kazuya yells in pain as he backs away. The two dinosaurs surround Kazuya and attack him with their heads. Kazuya yells in pain again.

Meanwhile, Lee, who is watching all this from his room, makes a retarded evil laugh.

--

DW and Jean both laughed like retards as well.

--

"This is going to fundamentally change the bounds of the world's military powers. Rex is the perfect commando for ground guerilla combat and I will be the one at the helm! Controlling the Mishima Zaibatsu, thus ruling the entire world!" Lee said.

**M. Bison: Of Course!**

--

"Okay! Enough with the Bison jokes! It's really getting old." DW said. Jean nods in agreement.

--

_"So just when all hopes is lost, Kazuya suddenly CHARGES UP!" Jean said._

Kazuya lies on the ground in pain as a dinosaur walks up to him. The dinosaur roars at him as Kazuya slowly gets up from the ground.

"Fight." He said as his scar suddenly glows red.

**_Cutaway Gag…_**

**_We cut to a cutscene from Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe. All the fighters from both sides groan in pain as the rage takes control of all of them._**

**_"Give in to the rage. Unleash your hatred." Dark Kahn said. "FIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

**_End of Gag…_**

(Mortal Kombat theme plays)

Kazuya quickly got up and grabs the dinosaur's mouth. He yells as he tears open his mouth and jaws. The dinosaur falls to the ground with blood pouring out.

Kazuya then punches another dinosaur in the eye. He then punches another dinosaur in the throat. Both dinosaurs fall to the ground. Kazuya smirked as blood covers around his body.

**Song: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!**

We now see Kazuya standing in front of the building.

_"So Kazuya and Jun both finally arrive at the building and Kazuya is ready to face his father." DW said._

"Good. You finally made it here." Lee said as he opens the doors.

_"But he has to face Lee Chaolan first." Jean said._

_"Good God! How long is this movie?!" DW yelled._

"Get out of my way! You don't value your can and your training and you will never defeat me!" Kazuya snapped.

"Hmph. Your body is racked with injuries and you could barely remain standing." Lee said as he takes off his coat.

_"Oh well, at least this is will be a good fight, right? Kazuya VS Lee. Brother VS Brother and Rival VS Rival." DW said. "This fight will no doubt be-"_

Kazuya uppercuts Lee in the chin and Lee fall to the ground.

**WOW WOW WOW WOW**

--

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THIS MOVIE?!?!" DW and Jean bellowed.

--

We then see Heihachi steps out of the building. Heihachi punches Lee in the face, sending him sprawling to the ground. He then turns to his son, Kazuya.

_"So Heihachi FINALLY comes out of the building and ready to fight his son." Jean said._

Kazuya and Heihachi both jump into the air and kick each other. They then both land on the ground. Kazuya tries to kick him but hehiachi backs away. Kazuya got up and swings his leg at him. Hehiachi dodges it by backing away and punches his face with his elbow.

We then see Lee in his computer room, walking over to the computer and smashes the glass case over the self-destruction activation lock. He then inserts a key into the lock and turns it, activating the self-destruction sequence.

_"Meanwhile, Lee activates the self-destruction sequence and prepares the blow up the island with him." DW said._

"Now activating Program 13. Process of self-destruction has been initiated." The computer said.

We then see various clips and scenes.

_"So Dr. Boskonovitch, Wulong, Jack and the girl quickly try to escape the lab while Kazuya continues to get beaten up by his father. Jun stops Heihachi from killing his son and asks him why he wants to take over the world. Jun says more bullshit about darkness and hatred and Heihachi says once he destroys the entire world, he will renew the gods and become the new world leader. Gee, does that sound familiar?" DW asked._

**_Cutaway Gag…_**

**_We cut to a cutscene from Resident Evil 5. _**

**_Wesker points his gun at Chris's forehead. "A new genesis is at hand and I will be the creator." He said._**

**_End of Gag…_**

We then see the emergency door about to close as Wulong, Jack, Bosknovitch and the girl rushes towards the docks. Jack quickly runs over to the door and stops the door from closing his body. Wulong, Boskonovitch and the girl quickly crawl under the door while Jack gets crashed by the door.

_"So as the building collapses, Jack sacrifices himself to help Wulong, the doctor and the girl escape safely." Jean said._

We then see Kazuya beating up his father as the island starts to sink. Kazuya then carries his father up and ready to throw him down into the lava below.

_"Meanwhile, Kazuya beats the crap out of his father and ready to finish him off." DW said._

"Don't do it!" Jun yelled as she runs over to Kazuya and restrains him, causing him to drop his father. Kazuya turns around, grabs Jun by her throat and lifts her up.

_"But goody-good Jun stops him from killing him and of course, talks MORE ABOUT HATRED AND DARKNESS! Good Lord! I know darkness and hatred is suppose to be the theme of the movie but do they have to keep talking about it?!?!" DW yelled._

"I was injured just like you were. I was injured by your pain deep inside your heart." Jun said. Kazuya widens his eyes and lowers Jun. "I tried to save you then but I couldn't. I like to save you now but I can't reach you if you won't let me." Tears flow down her cheeks.

"Let you…save me." Kazuya said through gritted teeth. "Are you really trying to save me?"

--

"Are you really trying to save me?" DW and Jean both said through gritted teeth. "Grrrr…."

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

_"Okay, let's just wrap this up. Jun finally convinces Kazuya not to kill his father. But Heihachi got up, tries to kill both of them but they all fall down from the cliff. Wulong, Boskonovitch and the girl escape through a submarine and all other fighters who have serve no purpose in the movie at all shows up. Wulong sees Kazuya and Jun emerge from the explosion and they all escape from the island just as it explodes." DW explained._

Kazuya and the other fighters drive away on their submarine as the island explodes and sinks into the ocean below.

We then see Jun knitting in the forest with rabbits, raccoons and deer around her.

_"Some time has passed and we see okay, now this movie has turned into a Disney movie?! What the fuck?!" Jean yelled._

"Mama!" A voice yelled. Jun turns her head and sees her son running up to her.

"Jin!" Jun said with a smile.

"Come on! I want to keep reading the story from yesterday!" Jin said.

Jun looks up and watches the trees get blown by the wind. _'The wind has changed.' _She said in her thoughts.

"What's wrong?" Jin asked.

"Nothing." Jun said as she grabs her son's hand and they both walk off. "Everything is fine."

_"Yeah, everything's fine now that this movie is finally over!" DW yelled._

--

"So that was Tekken: The Motion Picture. And how was it?" Jean asked. "HORRIBLE!"

"GOD-AWFUL!" DW added.

"DEPLORABLE!"

"AND STUPID!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes from the movie.

_"What can you say? This is one of the worst anime movies we ever seen! The animation is bad, the fight scenes are lame, the dialogue is corny, most of the characters serve no purpose in the movie whatsoever and on top of all that, it's a pain to sit through from beginning to end!" DW said._

_"This movie is a disgrace to the Tekken series and all other fighting games out there!" Jean added."It's an abomination that deserves to be buried at the very end of this planet!"_

--

"Do yourself a favor by staying away from this movie." DW said.

"It is THAT bad." Jean nodded.

"I'm the Anime Critic."

"And I'm Jean Kazuhiza."

"I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd."

"And I remember because…I'm awesome."

DW and Jean then took a sip of their coffee and place their cups on the table. "So DW, what do you want to watch next?" Jean asked.

"I don't know. After watching this movie, I don't feel like watching anymore fighting game movies." DW shook his head.

"Aw, come on DW. I got all these other movies we can watch like The Street Fighter live-action movie." Jean said as he took out a DVD case of the 1994 Street Fighter movie.

"No way!" DW said.

"What about the Art of Fighting?" Jean asked as he took out a DVD case of the Art of Fighting movie.

"Bullshit!"

"How about Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?" Jean asked as he took out a DVD case of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. DW grabs the DVD case and slams Jean's head with it. "OW!" He groaned as he rubs his head.

Jean turns his head to DW and glares at him. DW narrows his eyes and glares back at him. The two then got up from their chairs and start beating the crap out of each other. Oh well, so much for their truce…

**THE END**

DW: And that's the end of the review. Hope you guys enjoy it! Stay tune for more reviews and read and review!


	5. Alien 9

DW: I would like to thank X Prodigy, DarkMagicianmon, Jean Kazuhiza, Nukid, Amber Pegasus and Teenaged Reaper1994 for reviewing. You guys rock!

_**Chapter 5: Alien 9**_

We see DW again, sitting at his usual table, ready to start today's review. However, he's resting his head on the table, feeling gloomy.

"Hello, I'm the Anime Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd…" DW said bitterly. He lifts up his head and sighed, "Well, I'm sure you guys are wondering why I got the blues." He shrugged. "Well, it's because this year, Chinese New Year will be on Valentine's Day. And since I'm a Chinese, Chinese New Year is more important to me. So Noel and I decided to celebrate Valentine's Day early this year. And what did I get for Noel?"

_**Flashback:**_

_**At Noel's house, DW sat on the couch next to Noel and watched his girlfriend unwraps her Valentine's Day gift. Upon seeing what her gift is, Noel smiled widely and widens her eyes.**_

"_**Oh my God! A Nintendo Wii Entertainment System along with two Wii-remote controllers, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Tatsunoko VS Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars and Super Mario Galaxy?!" Noel yelled as she holds up the copies of her games. "Thank you so much, Darren! You're the best!"**_

_**Noel puts down her video games and kissed DW's cheek. DW smiled and asked Noel, "So Noel, what did you get for me this year?"**_

"_**Well…" Noel said as she takes out her gift and hands it to DW. "Ta-dah!"**_

_**End of Flashback**_

"So, what did Noel get for me on Valentine's Day?" DW asked. He then brought out a Playstation 3 console, some controllers, some video game covers and several manga books. "A Sony Playstation 3 Entertainment System, two PS3 controllers, a controller for the Blu-Ray player, the North American version of Final Fantasy XIII, Metal Gear Solid 4 and Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, all volumes of Fairy Tail to date………And no Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2?!"

He puts down his gifts and yelled, "What have I done wrong, Noel?! Why do I deserve this torture?! But instead, what did I get instead of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2?"

He then holds out a DVD case. "A DVD set of all four OVA episodes of Alien 9." He places the DVD case on the table and shook his head. His eyes then bugged out as he yelled, "ALIEN NIN-just show it!" He waves his hand off.

_**Alien 9 Review**_

(We see various clips and scenes from the show.)

"If you think the movies 9 and District 9 are BAD, you have no idea how MORE BAD Alien 9 is. It has a dumb plot and loads and loads of silliness and stupidity. The OVAs ran from 2001 to 2002 and produced by JC Staff and Genco." DW explained. "So, what makes Alien 9 so silly? Let's dig into this anime and find out."

--

We then see the first scene of the first OVA. We see several students sitting in a classroom as a boy counts the votes at the teacher's desk.

"_So our show begins with…" DW said._

"Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Furukawa-san…" A boy said as he counts the votes and places them on the desk.

As a girl writes the names on the chalkboard, a girl named Yuri Ootani is sitting at her desk, looking nervous as the boy keeps saying her name several times. "Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Ootani-san…Furukawa-san…and Ootani-san…" The boy continued.

--

As the boy keeps saying Ootani's name, DW twirls his head around in circles.

--

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**We cut to a scene from Star Wars Holiday Special.**_

"_**Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, WAH!" The female chef yelled.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

"NO!" DW yelled as he stops twirling his head and bangs his fists on the table. "I'm not gonna end up like the Nostalgia Critic as well so let's move on!"

--

We then see the students turn their heads to Ootani. "It has been decided that the person to lead the Tsubaki Class anti-alien crew will be Ootani-san." The boy said. Everybody clap their hands as Ootani whimpered and shivered.

"_So our main character is a girl named Yuri Ootani. Apparently, she has been voted to become a member of the anti-alien crew." DW explained." And yes, I'm not kidding. There's a club in this school where students hunt down aliens. So if you think Hogwarts is weird with students learning magic, try a school where students hunt down aliens."_

We then see Ootani sitting at her desk while the other students clean up the classroom. Her friend Miyu stands next to her.

"Everybody is so mean." Ootani said as she lowers her head. "Just because they don't want to do it, they make me do it."

"I'm kind of envious." Miyu said.

"Miyu?" Ootani looks up at her.

"But isn't that how it is? You don't have to clean or do homework and during emergencies you can get out of class."

Yuri sighed and lies down on her desk. "But…" She groaned.

"_Yeah, by now, you should know that Yuri Ootani is one of those cliché child protagonists that is always nervous, reluctant and lacks skills like Tsuna Sawada from Reborn, Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion and Yui Hirasawa from K-On. I know this is common in animes and I know this is part of their character development and they eventually become strong in the end but it's really getting old and too cliché now."_

--

We then see Ootani walks over to a door and looks up at the sign.

"This is it." She said softly. She then enters the room and sees two girls and a teacher. Everyone turned to her.

"_So Ootani enters the club and we see two more girls. One of them is Kumi Kawamura, played by Kaori Shimizu, and the other girl, played by Noriko Shitaya, named Kasumi Tomine."_

_--_

(Picture of Kasumi Kinomoto appears on screen)

"No, I'm not going to make fun of my OCs." DW said.

--

"_There's also a teacher in the club named Megumi Hisakawa."_

We then see Ootani, Kawamura and Kasumi all lined up in a straight line and stand in front of Megumi as Megumi explains to them.

"Okay, since everyone is here now, I'll start explaining." Megumi said.

"_Oh no, no no no! Please, don't tell me that the teacher is played by the famous seiyu, Aya Hisakawa!" DW cried._

--

"Good God! I wonder how a famous seiyu like Aya Hisakawa would want to play in a silly OVA series like Alien 9." DW said, shaking his head in disappointment. "She never would have thought Alien 9 is a silly show. She must have been under contract or something. She has to be!"

--

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**We cut to a scene from the anime Claymore. We see Priscilla, in her awakened being form, standing in front of Clare, half-awakened. They are about to fight when suddenly, a man dressed in a black suit walks over to them and said, "Priscilla, your voice seiyu Aya Hisakawa has been asked to provide the voice of Megumi in the OVA series, Alien 9."**_

"_**Alien 9?" Priscilla asked, widening her eyes at the man. "Isn't that the silly show about elementary schoolgirls go around fight aliens? No way! My seiyu will never play in a silly show like that!"**_

"_**Now now, Priscilla. Surely you don't think even in your Awakened Being form, you can defend your seiyu against the awesome power of studio contracts. Trust me, no one has ever survived the lawsuits. I take it you will change your mind for your seiyu to take the role then?" The man asked.**_

_**Priscilla sighed sadly and lowers her head. "Yes." She said reluctantly.**_

"_**Good." The man nodded and turns around. "Now if you would excuse me, I'm off to get Jun Fukuyama for Akikan."**_

_**Priscilla sighed and turns back to Clare. Clare shrugged and said, "Don't worry Priscilla. I know how you feel. My seiyu once played in a stupid anime called Beyblade."**_

_**End of Gag**_

We then see Megumi walked up to the table where three alien heads with wings are placed on. Megumi picks one of them up.

"_So anyways, Megumi explains to the girls that while they are fighting aliens, they have to put on a protective symbiotic life form called Borgs. They are alien heads with huge white wings. Well, at least give the producers credit for creativity."_

As Megumi holds one of them up, the Borg opens his mouth, revealing his tongue and oral cavity.

--

"Whoa!" DW inch away. "Okay guys. That was kinda extreme. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys showed what's inside the alien's body."

--

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**The Borg opens his mouth and we zoom into his mouth and through his body tubes.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

--

We then see Ootani shivered in fear as Megumi gently places a Borg on her head.

"_So Megumi places a Borg on Ootani's head. But that didn't turn out well."_

Ootani widens her eyes when her Borg sticks out his long tongue and licks Ootani's face, covering it with saliva. She screamed as everybody turned to her.

"Ootani-san!" Megumi said.

After Ootani's Borg puts his tongue back into his mouth, Ootani closes her eyes and faints on the ground.

--

"Wow, I guess the lick took everything out of her." DW said.

--

That night, in Ootani's room, we see Ootani resting her head on her desk.

"It's not fair…I was forced into it…" Ootani whined.

"There's no use whining about it." A voice said. Ootani turns her head to her Borg that is placed next to her bed and she inches away from it.

"You…you can talk?" Ootani asked with her eyes wide.

We then see Ootani talking to her Borg in her bathroom as the Borg cleans her back by licking his tongue over it.

"_So we learned that Ootani hates being in the alien crew because she hates aliens. She doesn't like looking, seeing and talking to them. Oh and did I mention that she's telling all this to her Borg while TAKING A BATH?!"_

"Oh, it's that so?" The Borg asked as he licks Ootani's back. "Even if you hate it so much, you can't run away."

"_Like me. I can't believe I'm licking your back right now but I can't run away." DW said in the Borg's voice._

We then see several students running back into their school as an alien ship has landed on the school's exercising ground. Kasumi, Ootani and Kawamura all stand in front of the six-legged alien.

"_So the next day, an alien attacked the school and it's up to Kasumi, Ootani and Kawamura to handle the situation." DW said._

"Okay…GO FOR IT!" Megumi said to her crew with a loud hailer.

Kasumi and Kawamura then rolls over to the alien with their rollerblades while holding nets. Ootani stood where she is.

Kasumi rolls over to the alien and blocks it with her net. Kawamura then rolls over to the alien and tries to catch it but the alien dodges her net by leaping away.

"Ootani-san!" Kawamura shouted as the alien leaps over to Ootani and lands in front of her. Ootani shivered in fear as the alien crawls over to her. Tears start to form in her eyes and she turns her head away from the alien.

"_Yeah, I can tell our protagonist will do just fine."_

Suddenly, the Borg spread out his wings and several metal screws come out from the wings. The screws lift Ootani up from the ground while the other screws rush toward the alien and pierces through its body.

"_So the Borg unleashes his true power and attacks the alien for Ootani."_

The Borg then sticks out his tongue and the tongue wraps around the alien. He squeezes the alien until it bursts and its blood splashes onto Ootani's face. The Borg then places Ootani down on the ground as Megumi, Kasumi and Kawamura runs over to her.

"Ootani-san!" Megumi said in concern.

Ootani wipes off the blood from her face. She looks at it for a few seconds before fainting on the ground.

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_So their first mission was a success but Ootani felt she wants to quit already." DW said. "So Ootani bumps into Kawamura and asked her for her help. But Kawamura doesn't want to."_

"Please Kawamura-san, help me…" Ootani whimpered.

"No!" Kawamura snapped. She lowers her head. "I can't be a nice person any longer."

We then cut to Kawamura walking up the stairs with Ootani following her from behind.

"You know…I have been a class president ever since first grade…" Kawamura continued.

"_What the hell?"_

--

"Why did she wait until they walk up the stairs before continuing what she said?" DW asked. "What were they doing after they talk to each other outside school and before they walk up the stairs?"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**I can't be a nice person any longer." Kawamura said.**_

_**Kawamura then Ootani then walked back into the school.**_

--

DW arches an eyebrow as he watches them.

--

_**Kawamura and Ootani then quietly walked up the stairs.**_

--

DW rubs his chin with his fingers.

--

_**Kawamura and Ootani continue to walk up the stairs quietly.**_

--

DW looks at his watch.

--

_**Kawamura and Ootani still coninute to walk up the stairs quietly.**_

--

DW sighed and rests his head on the table.

--

_**Kawamura and Ootani walk up the stairs quietly until she finally broke the silence. "You know…"**_

--

"AH!" DW yelled in shock with his eyes wide as he falls back on his chair.

--

"_**I have been class president ever since first grade." Kawamura said.**_

"_Boy, don't ask her to play password anytime soon." DW said._

_**End of Gag**_

--

We cut back to Kawamura talking to Ootani at the stairs.

"_So she tells Ootani that she's reluctant to help her because she's the class president since first grade. She hates her job because she had to do everything that people hate to do themselves and have to take all responsibility. That's why she became a member of the alien crew so that she doesn't have to be president. In other words, she wants Ootani to rely on herself." DW said._

We then see Kawamura typing on her laptop as Kasumi rocks her chair back and forth.

"_Later, Kasumi asked Kawamura why she didn't help Ootani."_

"Why didn't you help her?" Kasumi asked with a smile.

Kawamura looks up at her and stops typing. "Kumi-chan, I think she fits you very well."

--

DW opens his mouth, but then closes it. "Okay, I've made tons of pervert jokes in the past. So, just for this chapter, I won't make any." DW said.

(The words '_**JOKE ABORTED' **_appears onscreen.)

--

We then see various clips and scenes of Megumi visiting Ootani, Kasumi and Kawamura's family.

"_So the next day, we see Megumi visits her members' families. We learned that Ootani is a nervous child and doesn't do much at home. We learnt that Kawamura's mother is widowed and Kawamura has to take lots of responsibilities after her father's death and we learnt that Kasumi is a girl who's good in everything. Seriously, almost everything. She's talented in the piano, ballet, chess, roller skating and even robotics competitions."_

"This is when I won the piano contest." Kasumi said to her teacher as she shows her her trophies. "This is when I won the ballet contest."

--

"And this is when I won the beer drinking contest." DW said as he holds up a golden trophy. "Because beer drinking isn't hard for kids like me either."

--

We then see Ootani hiding behind a corner with a tranquilizer gun as she watches a three-legged alien banging his fists on a classroom door.

"_So the next day, we see Ootani fighting another alien. But of course, again, she's too scared to fight." DW said._

The alien spotted Ootani and bangs his fists together angrily. "No…it's mad…" Ootani said, widening her eyes as she inch away.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**HULK IS MAD!!!" Hulk's voice yelled as the alien bangs his fists.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

Ootani slides through the ground as she shoots several darts at the alien but kept missing. The alien charges towards her. She covers her head with her arms as her Borg shields her with his wings. The alien then bangs his fists on the wings.

Eventually, the alien bangs on the wings hard that it causes Ootani to fell on the ground. Ootani staggered up to her feet and turns to the alien in fear. She whimpered as the alien walks toward her. "I'm scared…" She whimpered.

"_Yeah, that's right. Do every human does when they see something scary. Stay right where they are!" DW said._

Suddenly, Kawamura appears behind the alien and shot several darts at the alien's back. The alien roared in pain, then collapses on the ground.

"_Fortunately, she's saved by Kawamura."_

"Kawamura-san…" Ootani said. Kawamura stared at the now fallen alien and Ootani stares at Kawamura for a few seconds. Kawamura sighed and when she turns to Ootani, Ootani sobbed as she runs over to her and embraced her tightly.

--

We then see several boys and girls half-naked in the school hall as they lined up to take their physical examinations

"_After that, we see, NO! NO NO NO! I promise I won't make any pervert jokes for this chapter but this scene is really pushing it!" DW yelled._

Miyu measures Ootani's height for her and she said, "146 centimeters!"

Ootani turns to Miyu and smiles happily. "Yes…I grew 5 centimeters!" She said.

--

"Let's celebrate!" DW exclaimed. 'Auld Lang Syne' plays as DW puts on his party hat and starts dancing. Suddenly, Talim, Sebastian, Kensou and Ibuki come out and dance behind DW as huge amounts of confetti falls above them.

--

We then see Ootani and Kawamura both standing at the rooftop of the school. Ootani stands at the edge while Kawamura hides behind the door.

"_So the next day, Ootani and Kawamura tries to catch the last alien invading the campus. They both have a conservation aboue Kasumi."_

"And what was Kasumi's answer?" Kawamura asked Ootani.

"Nya…" Ootani said.

"Not in the dream, in real life." Kawamura said.

"Oh, because she liked it."

As they speak, the alien runs down the hallway with Kasumi hiding behind a corner.

"Can you become like Kasumi? Impossible." Kawamura said.

"Why?" Ootani asked.

"Kasumi has something that we're missing."

"What's that?"

"Ask her."

We then see the alien and Kasumi arrived at the rooftop. Kawamura quickly closes the door as the alien and Kasumi charges toward Ootani.

Ootani and Kawamura's borgs that block the alien's path with their screws and have the alien cornered.

"_So they have the alien cornered but the alien decided to escape by jumping off the building. But that doesn't stop Kasumi from jumping after him." DW said._

"KASUMI-CHAN!" Kawamura screamed as Kasumi jumps over the railing and jumps after the alien.

Suddenly, a certain R Kelly song starts playing.

"_**I believe I can fly…I believe I can touch the sky…"**_

"Yes!" Kasumi said. As the alien plummets through the air. Kasumi's borg spread out his wings and several metal screws rush toward the alien.

Ootani widens her eyes as she looks down at Kasumi. The screws wrapped around the alien while Kasumi is hung safely on the school wall.

"A new record, my fifth one!" Kasumi exclaimed.

"Kasumi's a genius." Kawamura smiled. "I don't think I'd be ever able to…"

--

We then see Ootani walking up to Miyu outside school.

"_So Ootani is somewhat inspired by Kasumi and decided to stay in the alien crew a little while longer." DW said._

"Actually, I think I'll try a little harder this time." Ootani said to Miyu. Miyu smiled and nodded.

"So Ootani gained some confidence and she and her new friends take a bath together."

Ootani, Kawamura and Kasumi all sat on a bench half-naked as their Borgs stick out their tongues and lick their backs.

Ootani shivered in fear as her Borg licks her back with his tongue. Tears formed in her eyes. "I still don't like it…" Ootani whimpered.

--

"So that was the first OVA of Alien 9." DW shrugged. "It's silly but still okay I guess. But the nightmare isn't over yet. We still got three more episodes."

--

We then see various clips and scenes from the second OVA.

"_So throughout the second OVA, it's pretty much Ootani, Kasumi and Kawamura going around the school hunting down aliens. I kinda like this one scene from the second OVA where Kasumi attacks the alien-possessed kid by twirling around with boxing gloves."_

Kasumi bows before the alien-possessed boy as her Borg spread out its wings and forms several metal screws around her. Kasumi then twirls around in circles towards the boy.

"Un deux trois! Un deux trois! Un deux trois! Un deuz trois!" Kasumi said as the alien possessing the boy shoots several screws at Kasumi. Her Borg's metal screws blocked the alien's screws and when Kasumi is near the boy, she punches the boy's face. She then ducks down and punches him in the gut and then uppercuts him in the chin, knocking off the alien that is on his head.

"**SHORYUKEN!"**

We see several scenes of Ootani sobbing in fear.

"_And Ootani, well, she's still pretty worthless. I mean, she continues to cry and shake in fear every time she encounters an alien. It's like she's not developing at all. Shinji Ikari and Tsuna Sawada are able to overcome their fears within only a few episodes but not this wimp!"_

We then see the scene where Ootani was kneeling down on the ground when suddenly, three alien-possessed boys walk up to her from behind and the aliens on their heads, shoot their screws at Ootani's Borg. Ootani froze as the blood of her Borg trickled down her head. Ootani covers her face in fear and sobbed helplessly until her Borg falls off and her head is now covered with white hair. The hair turns into metal screws and shoots through the aliens that are on top of the boys' heads.

"_In fact, there was one scene where Ootani was SO scared, that her Borg falls off and her head is now covered with white hair. The hair not only kills the aliens that attacked her but also the other aliens around her._

We see several scenes of all the aliens in the warehouse get pierced and sliced by the screws.

--

"Damn. These scenes are so gruesome it makes Claymore look like Sesame Street." DW said, looking uneasy.

--

We then see several scenes of the third OVA.

"_In the third OVA, Ootani, Miyu, Kasumi and Kawamura all go on a vacation during the summer vacation. They do what everybody do in a vacation, swim in the sea, play cards and watch the fireworks. Near the end of the summer vacation, while they are both waiting for the rain to stop at a bus stop, Kawamura had an emotional conservation with Ootani."_

Kawamura wrapped her arms around Ootani from behind. "Kumi-chan." Ootani said softly.

"We're all worried." Kawamura replied. "Kasumi, Miyu-chan, everyone." As she said that, the rain stops. "We're always together. Because we're friends."

"Yeah." Ootani nodded.

--

We then see a huge white alien landed on top of the school. Ootani, Kasumi and Kawamura look up at the alien. Ootani and Kawamura looked at it in awe while Kasumi looked at it with a smile.

"_Near the end of the third OVA, a huge white alien known as a Yellow Knife suddenly appears and lands on top of the school." DW said. "Kasumi suddenly falls in love with the alien, don't ask, you shouldn't care, and she gets eaten up by the alien."_

The Yellow Knife opens his mouth wide as he picks up Kasumi. Kasumi flies through the air and the Yellow Knife swallows her up.

"_Ew! His colon is disgusting!" DW said in Kasumi's voice._

--

We then see various clips and scenes from the fourth OVA.

"_So throughout the fourth and final OVA, Ootani, Kawamura and Megumi tried to get Kasumi out of the Yellow Knife's body. However, they got attacked by the Yellow Knife and they are went unconscious. Each of them woke up into a world where they are completely all alone."_

"Everyone disappeared…" Kawamura said as she look around the rooftop. Nobody except her was on it.

"All alone." A voice said.

"What?" Kawamura said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"All alone." The voice said again.

"What? Who is it? Why?" Kawamura asked.

"All alone. All alone. All alone."

Then, everything was quiet. Kawamura falls to ground.

"_Oh did I mention all alone? ALL ALONE!" DW said._

Kawamura burst out crying as she rolls over the ground. "Mom, mom, mom, no! No, please don't go away, no."

We then see her Borg wraps his wings around Kawamura.

"_Fortunately, her Borg is here to calm her down."_

"You're not alone, I'll always be with you." Her Borg said to her. "We'll always be together. We have a symbiotic relationship."

--

DW looks uneasy, then shook his head. "Okay! I made a promise! I won't make any pervert jokes so we'll skip that scene!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_So he tells her that it's just an illusion and tells her to find the others. Meanwhile, Ootani goes around the school and tries to find the others and of course…" DW sighed. "Acts like a crybaby."_

"Kumi-chan? Sensei? Where are you?" Ootani sobbed. "Is everyone gone? Miyu…"

_DW sighed. "Okay, I can honestly say this is the WORST protagonist ever. For all episodes, she acts like a freaking crybaby and has no development in her character at all."_

"Yuri." Her Borg said and suddenly, Ootani finds herself floating in the air with her Borg, on top of her, flying with his wings.

_"What?" DW said._

Ootani looks down and sees that she's flying above a field of giant sunflowers. "Wow, I'm flying." She said.

"Good job, Yuri, you learned how to fly." Her Borg said.

_DW sighed. "I have no idea what I'm watching now…it's like watching the Star Wars Holiday Special."_

We then see Ootani enters a classroom and see Kasumi lying on the ground unconscious.

_"So Ootani enters the classroom and found Kasumi. But suddenly..."_

"Kasumi-chan?" Ootani asked. Suddenly, a man with a Yellow Knife head steps into the room.

--

DW widens his eyes in shock and whispered, "What...the...fuck..."

--

Ootani gasped and backs away as the alien headed man walks over to Kasumi. He lies on top of Kasumi and sticks his head under her shirt.

--

DW drops his jaw in shock.

--

Then, the alien headed man did something weird. He sticks through his head through Kasumi's stomach. Kasumi laughed as the alien headed man goes through her stomach.

"Welcome back, onii-chan." Kasumi giggled.

--

"WHAT IS UP WITH THIS EPISODE?!?!" DW bellowed. "This scene is even more sick than the pervert jokes from H2O: Footprints in the Sand combined!"

--

"Kasumi-chan..." Ootani whimpered.

--

"STOP!" DW shouted. "Next scene!"

--

We then see Ootani reunites with Kawamura. Ootani runs over to Kawamura and cries on her chest.

"_So..." DW let out a huge sigh. "Ootani eventually reunites with Kawamura and they all go up to the rooftop and deal with the Yellow Knife." DW said._

Kawamura and Ootani stood above the Yellow Knife's head. Kawamura's Borg spread out its wing and pierced through the Yellow Knife's head with several metal screws. They then climb down from the Yellow Knife and they turned to the Yellow Knife.

"Kumi-chan!" Ootani cried with tears in her eyes. Kawamura stopped and see Kasumi's face sticking out of the Yellow Knife's body.

"Why?" The head asked. Suddenly, several more heads pop out of the body and asked, "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

--

DW widens his eyes and drops his jaw in shock.

--

"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" The heads asked as they keep popping out of the Yellow Knife's body.

--

"STOP! DW yelled as he holds out his hands. He then let out a sigh and placed his hands on the table. He took a few deep breaths and said, "Alright. You know what? I'm convinced that this episode is a mindfuck. First, we see an insane girl rolling over the ground, then a girl flying above a field of giant sunflowers, then alien headed men jerking off with human girls and now this!"

"Well, you know what they say…if you can't control it…" DW removes his cap and puts on a pirate hat. "Deal with it."

(The words _**"MIND FUCK!"**_ appears onscreen)

DW then starts dancing as the Pee Wee's Playhouse theme song starts playing.

--

As the theme song plays, we see the scenes of Kawamura rolling over the ground and Ootani flying in the air.

--

DW spins and twirls around the room with his chair.

--

We then see the scenes of the alien headed man sticking his head through Kasumi's stomach and several heads sticking out of the Yellow Knife's body.

--

DW hits himself several times on the forehead with a hammer before getting up from his chair and spinning and twirling around like a lunatic.

--

We then see the intro of Pee Wee's Playhouse and the Pink Elephants scene from Dumbo.

--

DW now does the can-can dance with Edward Elric, Allen Walker, Kira Yamato and Naruto Uzumaki while they are all wearing Victorian dresses in front of the camera.

--

We then see the Hallucination scene from Beavis and Butthead Do America and the Toonworld sequence from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

--

DW now jumps around the room like a frantic moron before sitting on his chair and twirls around.

--

The theme song and intro of Pee-Wee's Playhouse then ends and Pee-Wee turns to screen and laughs.

--

DW stops twirling around and turns back to the camera and let out a huge sigh. "Alright, I feel much better now." He said. "So, let's continue."

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_Alright, so eventually, they get Kasumi out of the Yellow Knife's body and the Yellow Knife blows up into a million pieces. Don't ask, it just does. Megumi and the school principal wonder where does the Yellow Knife come from and why it invade Earth but too bad we will never find out! Kasumi recovered, Ootani is still a loser crybaby after all this and unfortunately, Kawamura is now following her footsteps too."_

Kawamura shivered in fear as she hears a beep from her cellphone. She widens her eyes. "Okaa-san?" She asked. "Okaa-san?"

"It's nothing. I'm okay." She said as tears start to form in Ootani's eyes. "It's nothing. It's nothing." Ootani bursts into tears and both she and Kawamura start wailing.

"_Oh my God!" DW yelled as he covers his ears. "These are the worst protagonists ever! ROLL THE CREDITS ALREADY!"_

The screen fades to black and the credits rolled up.

--

"Finally!" DW sighed as he leans back on his chair. "Thank God it's finally over! So, in the end, who are these aliens? Where do they come from? Why do they invade Earth? Why is the school the only one being attacked throughout the entire series?"

(The words _**"NEVER REVEALED" **_appear onscreen.)

"……...FFFFFFUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!" DW growled angrily.

--

We then see various clips and scenes from the show.

"_So yeah, we will never know who these alien invaders are and Yuri Ootani will always be a loser crybaby, making her the worst anime protagonist ever. This show is just bad. The first, sceond and third episodes are alright but everything goes downhill at the fourth and last episode. The plot holes are huge, the characters are uninteresting and annoying, there's no character development, and the premise is just silly and stupid."_

--

"So there you go guys. That was my review for Alien 9." DW said. "This will be my last review before Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day. So, to all couples out there, Happy Valentine's Day. And to all people who are celebrating Chinese New Year, Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone! May fortune smile upon you. I'm the Anime Critic and tomorrow, it's February 12th."

DW widens his eyes and said, "February 12th?" He grins widely. "You know what that means?! BEACH VACATION!"

DW then pulls out a straw hat and places it on his head. A beach ball then flies over to him and he catches it with his hands. DW turns to the camera and smiled. "I'm the Anime Critic and I'll see you all on Author Fighters OVA: Beach Vacation!" He then gets off the chair and leaves the room.

**THE END**

DW: And that's the end of my review for Alien 9. Happy Valentine's Day and Happy Chinese New Year everyone! Also, stay tune tomorrow for **Author Fighters OVA: Beach Vacation!**


	6. Digimon: The Movie

**_Chapter 6: Digimon: The Movie_**

We see DW, sitting at his usual table, ready to start today's review.

"Hello, I'm the Anime Critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW said. "I'm sure most of you remember The Nostalgia Kid's review for Digimon: The Movie."

**_Flashback:_**

**_"Ah what a happy ending……..But what a lackluster movie!" Nukid spat._**

**_End of Flashback_**

"And he didn't like it." DW shook his head. "Well, I've decided to do my own review of the Digimon movie as well because I also have things to say about this dumbass of a movie! This is my Digimon: The Movie review."

**_Digimon: The Movie Review_**

(We then see various clips and scenes from Digimon Adventure 1 and 2)

"First, a little history. Digimon started out in 1997 as a virtual pet toy game like Tamagotchi. The virtual pet toys were so popular that the franchise had its first anime adaption two years later. And boy, was the anime awesome. It hyped children everywhere around the world with its awesome looking monsters and awesome fight scenes. Making it definitely WAY better than…"

(Various scenes from the Pokemon anime appear onscreen)

"Ugh……that other anime…"

(We see a poster of Digimon: The Movie)

"And since the anime was so popular, they decided to make a movie. The movie was dumb, but I think it's still better than…"

(We see a poster of Pokemon: The First Movie)

"Ugh…….that other movie…"

"But still, the movie is dumb and silly. Like Nukid said, it has stupid plot points, westernized crap and a generally empty feeling at the end. The anime was kinda silly, so what makes the producers think a movie about it is going to be good?!"

"I haven't seen this movie in years. When I first saw it, it was awesome. But now, looking back at it, it's stupid and childish. I know it's supposed to be for kids who are fans of Digimon, but that's beside the point! So now, I'm ready to watch this movie again and give this movie the beating it deserves! Let's dive right into this garbage!" DW folds his arms and ready to watch the movie.

--

We then see the opening credits of the movie.

"So our movie begins with, oh God I can't believe this, a RAP SONG."

Male Rapper: **_The digi-valution is up and runin'  
Did you see, did you hear, did ya know it was comin'?  
Our digi-destiny starts today, let me hear you say_**

Chorus: **_Digimon, digital monsters…_**

--

"Well, I know you guys are trying," DW said. "But it has no ice!"

--

**_Cutaway Gag_**

**_Vanilla Ice: _****_Face the music, then I'm right behind  
With a posse, a mic and a funky rhyme  
It doesn't take a lot of time for me to climb  
And when I'm going for mine, I'm like a monkey on a vine_**

**_End of Gag_**

--

The rap song finished and the screen fades to black.

_"So after that ass crack song, we cut to the first scene of the movie."_

"Who says there's no such things as monsters?" Kari said.

--

DW gasped. "Wait a minute, I know that voice. Is it?"

--

"My name is Kari." Kari greeted. "I'm part of a team called the DigiDestined. There's only a handful of us at first, but we added a few more since then."

--

DW smiled. "It is! It's Kari Kamiya!"

(Picture of Kari Kamiya appears onscreen)

"You know, that cute little sister of Tai Kamiya? I loved that cute little girl, she's awesome. The only downside is she's voiced by Lara Jill Miller, the annoying voice actress of Juniper Lee. The character that RUIN MY LIFE!"

DW coughed. "Sorry about that. Let's just go back to the movie."

--

We then see a photo of TK and Kari.

"That's TK, another member of the DigiDestined."

--

DW gasped again. "It's TK! I love that guy too!" He smiled. "I remember when I was a kid, I was a huge supporter of the TK and Kari pairing." He chuckled. "It was kinda weird for me back then. Heh heh."

DW coughed again. "Sorry about that guys. I HAVE an anime movie to be reviewing here."

--

"Do you know there's actually two worlds? Our world, and the digital world! Now don't plan a vacation there, I'm not even sure where it is!" Kairi laughed.

--

"Haha, very funny Kari." DW said sarcastically. "It's like you're saying that you heard of Coronado Beach. But wait guys! Don't go there because I don't know where it is! And besides, like Nukid said, who would want to go to a world filled with giant monsters, with little idea of where to go and how to get out anyway?"

--

We then see a young Kari looking dumbfounded as a whistle falls off from her mouth. We then see a young boy waking up from bed.

_"We then cut to a flashback to 8 years ago, where we see a young Kari. Awww….And a young-" DW gasped again. "Tai Kamiya!"_

--

"Oh my God!" DW smiled. "I can't believe it! Tai Kamiya! I haven't seen him in years! He's my most favorite character in the Digimon franchise! He was my idol back then. I always look up to him. He's brave, strong, courageous, a good leader, and an awesome looking guy! That's why I-"

DW's smile then vanished instantly as he shook his head. "He's just a cartoon character!" He yelled angrily. But then, he sighed sadly. "A nice, heartwarming cartoon character."

--

We see Kari and Tai staring at the computer as an egg digitally comes out from the screen.

"So it was eight years ago when Kari and Tai first laid eyes on a Digimon egg. And how was did Digimon egg appear before them? It pulls itself out from a computer!"

--

"Geez, I heard you can get anything from-" DW slaps himself. "RIPOFF!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

_"So rather than showing the egg to the entire world and probably become the richest children in the world, they decided to keep it and hide it from their mom. The next day during breakfast, the egg hatched."_

"Uh-oh." Kari said as she and her brother watched the egg hatched.

"It's alive!" Tai said as a black creature with yellow eyes pops out from the egg.

--

"OH MY GOD IT'S A HEARTLESS!" DW yelled. He draws out his two-barrel shotgun and starts shooting at the screen.

--

We then see Kari feeding the Digimon with chocolate bars. When Tai got back into the room, he widens his eyes when the Digimon turned into a pink Digimon with red eyes and two feelers.

_"Despite looking like Jar Jar Bink's fetus, the two decided to keep it. They keep feeding it until it turns into a pink Digimon called Koromon."_

We then see Koromon slowly digivolves into a yellow dinosaur.

_"That night, Koromon continues to grow and turns into-" DW gasped. "It's Agumon!"_

--

"I can't believe it! It's Agumon!" DW smiled. "I like that little creature! When I played the virtual pet toy when I was a kid, he was my first Digimon! I love it ever-" DW shook his head. "He's a Godzilla Ripoff!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

_"So that night, Kari and Agumon decided to go out and have a walk, which consists of crashing cars and destroying vending machines."_

Agumon destroys one of the vending machines with his claw.

_"Yeah, aren't these Digimons just so adorable?" DW asked sarcastically._

We then see Parrotmon flying through the city.

_"But things get worse when a parrot digimon that is ingeniously called Parrotmon appears in the city and creates chaos."_

Agumon shot several fireballs from his mouth as Parrotmon flies through the city.

We then see Parrotmon then shot a bolt of electricity at the bridge above Agumon, Kari and Tai. The bridge then collapses and debris fall upon Agumon. When the smoke is cleared, Agumon suddenly turns into Greymon.

_"So Parrotmon attacks Agumon. But Agumon suddenly turns into a bigger Godzilla ripoff, Greymon."_

We then see various scenes of Greymon and Parrotmon fighting each other. Greymon then fires a huge fire blast from his mouth at Parrotmon. Parrotmon roars in agony as he slowly vanishes.

_"So with some encouragement from Tai and Kari, Greymon manages to defeat Parrotmon."_

However, after the fight, Greymon disappeared as well. We see Tai and Kari looking around the city. Kari cried for Greymon as she looked around.

_"However, Greymon disappeared as well and both Tai and Kari seem to have completely forgotten all of this…"_

The words 'Four years later' appear onscreen.

_"…until four years later…"_

We then see the next scene of the movie where we see a brown haired boy working on a computer.

_"So now we move on to part two of the movie and we see…" DW gasped. "Izzy!"_

--

"Oh my God! It's Izzy, the computer genius of the group!" DW smiled. "I freaking love Izzy! He's the smartest kid of the DigiDestined. His intelligence in computers inspired me to become a computer genius as well and-"

DW then slaps himself hard in the face. "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!" He bellowed. "I'M THE ANIME CRITIC! NOT THE IDIOTIC TEENAGE BOY WHO CRIES OVER EVERY FICTIONAL DIGIMON CHARACTER WITH A HORRIBLE ENGLISH DUB VOICE CRITIC!"

--

Izzy was busy working on his computer when suddenly he discovered a virus on his computer. He widens his eyes when he sees a Digi-egg on his computer. The Digi-egg hatched and the word 'Hello' appears on the computer.

_"So Izzy discovered that a Digi-egg has harboured itself and hatched inside the Internet, and the Digimon slowly takes over the internet"_

We then see a now older Tai typing an e-mail on his computer.

_"There's also a subplot of Tai trying to make amends with Sora. But who gives a shit?"_

We then see Sora Takenouchi stroking her hair as she looked at herself on a mirror.

_"After that scene, we see…" DW gasped. "Sora Takenouchi! The DigiDestined member whom I used to have a huge crush on!"_

We then see Joe Kido looking at his watch while standing at a train station.

_"And…" DW gasped again. "Joe Kido! The DigiDestined member who reminds me of myself!"_

We then see TK and Matt watching a baseball match on TV.

_"And…" DW gasped again. "TK and Matt! Two of my most favorite brothers!"_

--

"Oh sorry." DW coughed. "As you can see, both Matt and TK are watching the exact same TV. That's because they also share the exact same _bed_."

DW chuckled for a moment, then his smile suddenly went away and he let out a cry of agony.

"NO! I CAN'T DO IT!" DW cried in agony as he bangs his fist on the desk. "I can't make fun of Digimon! It was the very first anime I ever saw!" DW started wailing in despair.

--

We then see TK and Matt again.

_"I'm sorry TK and Matt! I don't care if your brotherly relationship becomes too close, I will always still love you guys!"_

We then see various scenes of Tai, Kari, Agumon, and the rest of the DigiDestined.

_"I'm sorry Tai! I'm sorry Kari! I'm sorry Agumon! I'm sorry the rest of the DigiDestined!"_

--

"I'm sorry I tried to make fun of all of you! YOU ARE ALL PART OF MY CHILDHOOD!" DW sobbed as he buries his face in his hands. He then got up from his chair. "I can't do it! I'm through with this! I'm done! Get someone else to do the review!" He sobbed as he walks out of the room.

"HEY! You want ten bucks? Go review this movie!"

"Hooray!"

Shirley Fenette (From Code Geass) then comes into the room and sits down on the chair.

"Hi guys!" Shirley grins widely as she waves her hand at the screen. "I'm Shirley Fenette! You guys may remember me from the anime Code Geass! Today, I'm here to review…" Shirley turns her head dumbly. "What am I reviewing?"

"Digimon: The Movie." DW groaned offscreen.

Shirley turns back to the screen and yelled, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

We then see various clips and scenes from the movie.

"There's this kid, named Izzy and he discovered a cute little digimon called Keramon hatched on the Internet!"

--

"I used to be cute looking once!"

"When I was born, the doctor says I look like a half Awakened Being."

--

"So Izzy runs over to Tai's apartment and tells him that the digimon is slowly trying to take over all the technology in the world, and he eats up all the technology pac-man style!"

"So as the technology is getting raped by Keramon, Tai and Izzy get a message from their monster pals from the Digi-world and they talk to them through the Internet!"

--

"I wish my monster pal can talk to me through the Internet!"

"But all he does is cure cancer! What a joke!"

--

"So as Agumon and Tentamon head out through the Internet to fight Keramon, Tai tries to call the other DigiDestined members but they are all too busy."

--

"SOME FRIENDS THEY ARE!"

--

"But at least Tai were able to get Matt and TK."

--

"I love those brothers!"

--

"So Matt and TK sent Gabumon and Patamon to go fight Infermon in the internet."

"And both Agumon and Gabumon digivolve into WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon!"

"AWESOME!!!"

"So the now Mega level WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon fight the now Mega level Diaboromon, but Diaboromon finds a way to copy itself hundreds of times, and beats the living crap out of the two!"

"NOT AWESOME!!!"

"To make things worse, Izzy learns that Diaboromon has launch a missile straight towards Tai and Izzy's hometown, killing them all unless they kill Diaboromon quick"

--

Shirley's mouth dropped. "Wow…that's pretty dark." She nodded.

--

"So the million Diaboromon copies attack WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon and both of them are almost beaten to death!"

"OH NOES!"

"So Tai and Matt go inside the internet, I'm not joking, and WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon manage to live on and fight Diaboromon thanks to Tai and Matts love, and the encouragement of millions of people, all spurring them on through the internet as they watch"

--

"Wow! That's ridiculous!" Shirley scratches her head. "But amazing!"

--

"So WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon manage to DNADigivolve into Omnimon!"

"And Omnimon manages to kill the real Diaboromon, and stop the bomb from blowing up Tai's home!"

"HOORAY!!!"

"And everybody applauded!"

"The world is saved and the problem between Tai and Sora has been resolved and they both got back together!"

--

"I love Tai and Sora being together!"

"But Matt married her in the end of Digimon Adventure 2!"

"DAMN YOU PRODUCERS! How can you do this to us?!"

--

"So we go to the third and final part of the movie called "Hurricane Touchdown" set in the second series where most of the original Digi Destined are now teenagers."

"And they've gotten new Digi destined!"

"There's Davis! Veemon! Yolei! Hawkmon! Cody! And Armadilomon!"

"So while these three are at the beach having fun, T.K. and Kari are in New York visiting Mimi!"

"And then they come across a young boy, named Willis, and his Digimon, named Terriermon, are being hunted down by a giant Digimon called Kokomon"

--

"And I was like-"

"Kokomon?! You mean Cocoa Puffs?! I LOVE COCOA PUFFS!"

--

"So Terriermon tried to fight off Kokomon, but ultimately gets beaten up."

"Not good!"

"But Kokomon does not kill the two, but merely tells Willis to "go back", and vanishes when T.K. and Kari arrive"

"But before they can speak to Willis, he and Terriermon run away."

"Then T.K. and Kari email Davis, Yolei and Cody to ask for their help, and the three set off to meet up with them in Colorado."

--

"And I was like-"

"Dude, how old are these kids?! And where do they get the money to travel around the world? Did they stole their parents' credit cards or something?!"

--

"So while on their travels, the group meets Willis and Terriermon and they form a friendship with him!"

"But then Davis, Veemon, Willis and Teeriermon get accidently left behind and the group is suddenly attacked by Kokomon!

"So Terriermon digivolves into Gargomon, and Veemon Armour Digivolves into Flamedramon!"

"So the group fights Kokomon, who leaves before being defeated. Then Davis and Willis head back to the group, where Willis reveals that he actually had two Digimon for partners, the other being Kokomon!

--

Shirley gasped. "That's shocking indeed!"

--

"So Willis wants a third Digimon friend and he tried to create one, however that led to the creation of Diaboromon, and we all know how THAT turned out!"

"So it turns out that Diaboromon wasn't completely killed, and he managed to reach Kokomon and corrupt him. And since then, Kokomon has haunted Willis and Terriermon, but Davis and the others decide to fight Kokomon and take him out!"

"So Kokomon digivolves first into Antylamon, and then Cherubimon, and he beats the crap out of the DigiDestined."

"NOT GOOD!"

"But T.K. and Kari come in to save the day with Angemon and Angewomon!"

"HOORAY!"

"But suddenly, Cherubimon suddenly starts to make all the Digidestined 4 years younger, revealing that he wanted Willis to "go back" in time to when the virus first attacked him!"

"So Angemon and Angewomon digivolve to their Mega levels Magnadramon and Seraphimon in order to release the Golden Digi-Eggs for Willis and Davis, turning Veemon and Terriermon into Magnamon and Rapidmon!"

"So Magnamon and Rapidmon manage to beat the corrupted Kokomon and they destroyed the virus for good and free Kokomon!"

"Then the Digi Destined say goodbye to Willis and Terriermon and they all go back home."

"But then they notice the Digi-Egg that will hatch into Kokomon, showing that their friend will very soon return!"

--

"Awwwww, what a happy ending!" Shirley smiled.

"I'll let you know that this movie has taught me…" Shirley shrugged. "Nothing. Yeah really. Nothing at all."

"This is Shirley Fenette saying," Shirley then holds up a black cat named Arthur. "ARTHUR! LOOK IT'S ARTHUR! Isn't he cute?!"

"Meow." Arthur purred.

"Aw come on guys! Look at him! He's cute right?! Well then can you at least tell me how to make my computer hatch out a Digi-egg?! I want to show the egg to the entire world and become rich!"

**THE END**

DW: And there you go, that's my review for Digimon: The Movie. I hope it isn't TOO MUCH like Nukid's review. Anyways, stay tune for more reviews and read and review!


	7. Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe

_**Chapter 7: Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe**_

We see a black chair, with nobody sitting on it. DW is nowhere in sight.

A few seconds later, Noel Vermillion and Ragna the Bloodedge walk into the room. The cameraman asked them why DW isn't in the room.

Noel and Ragna sighed. "We'll get him." The two of them then leave the room.

--

Noel and Ragna walked up the stairs until they arrived at a door. Noel opens up the door and they both walked into DW's bedroom. It was empty. Noel and Ragna looked around the room until they set their eyes on a wooden cupboard. They both walk over to the cupboard and open it, revealing DW. He was sitting in the cupboard, wrapping his arms around his legs and buries his face in his knees.

"DW…" Noel said. DW looked up and gasped. He looked around and quickly grabs a red t-shirt with a Gundam head on it.

""There it is! Heh heh, my lucky Gundam shirt. You know…since Nukid is doing the Gundam March thing…" DW smiled nervously. Noel and Ragna just scowled at him. DW groaned and said, "Okay, I really don't want to do this! This story has haunted me for the last two years and I can't believe I'm going to review it!"

"Come on DW, you lost the card game to me fair and square, so you have to review that story." Ragna said.

"Why do I even made that stupid bet in the first place?!" DW yelled. He then took a hard gulp and buries his face in his hands. "I…I can't do it! This story is bad! REALLY BAD! So bad I rather eat yak testicles or have an elephant shit on my face than read this heinous story!"

Noel sighed. "But DW, if you are not going to review the story, you will never get it out of your mind!"

"But-" DW looked up at them. Noel and Ragna fold their arms and stared at him. DW sighed heavily. "Alright, here we go. My Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe review."

_**Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe Review**_

We then see various scenes from the story.

"_Yes guys, I'm going to review one of the worst fanfictions I ever wrote. Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe is a fanmake of the story mode of Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe, a crossover video game I was so hyped back then. When it came out, I enjoyed the story mode so much, I decided to write a fanmake of it. But it turns out to be a huge fucking disaster. Everything about it is crap. I rather have Ichigo Kurosaki shoving his Zangetsu into my ass or have a nose job by Allen Walker's anti-akuma arm than read this turd-covered fanfic!"_

We then see DW now sitting on his chair and dressed in his blue cap, black Left 4 Dead 2 t-shirt and blue jeans.

"And since this story is one of the worst stories I've ever written, I have decided to hire two of the most calmest and sanest characters to sit through this story with me. They are Fuhrer King Bradley…"

A homunculus with black hair and wears a black eye patch and blue uniform then enters the room and sits next to DW. His name was Fuhrer King Bradley AKA Wraith.

"And Sosuke Aizen…" DW nodded.

A brown haired man with red eyes and wears a white coat, purple sash and white hakama then enters the room and sits next to DW. His name was Sosuke Aizen.

"So guys, are you ready?" DW said.

"Yes." Bradley nodded solemnly.

"Always ready." Aizen nodded as well.

"Well then," DW turns to the screen and bit his lip. "Let's take a look," He grabs his hands together tightly. "Even though I'm sure nobody wants to, at Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe."

--

We then see the first scene of the story. We see a picture of Aang defeating Fire Lord Ozai, as seen from the episode "Sozin's Comet".

"_So our story starts with a prologue of what happen before the events of the story." DW said._

"_**After 100 years of total war and chaos, Avatar Aang has finally defeated the evil Fire Lord Ozai and stopped the Fire Nation from taking over the Four Nations and the Nickelodeon universe." The story's narrator, Ryo Muang said.**_

--

"The end, bye bye!" DW quickly got up but Bradley quickly grabs his arms and forcefully puts him back down on the chair. "Dammit!"

--

_**"However, peace was short-lived as Ozai did not gave up easily. After he was imprisoned, he somehow managed to escape from his cell and escape the Fire Nation without a trace."**_

The scene changes to Ozai and his army of villains which includes Fright Knight, Vlad, Skulker, Plankton, Calamitous, Vexus and other various villains from various Nickelodeon shows charging in a battlefield.

"_**Years later, Ozai reappeared himself and attempts to take over the Nickelodeon universe once again with the help of the evil organization, The Evil Syndicate."**_

The scene now changes to Ozai and the Evil Synidcate being defeated by Danny Phantom, Carrie Angel, Aang, Katara, Jenny XJ9 and many other Nickelodeon heroes.

"_**But once again, Ozai's plans to take over the Nickelodeon universe were once again foiled by Danny Phantom and his friends."**_

--

"Good Lord, how long is this prologue?!" Aizen asked DW.

"This is even more boring that the prologue to Tekken: The Motion Picture!" Bradley added.

DW shrugged. "Yeah, but at least this prologue is telling us the backstory while the Tekken prologue tells us bullshit we don't care." He said.

--

The scene then fades to black.

"_**Ozai's second defeat should have marked the heroes' victory against him and the Evil Syndicate. But instead, it marked a whole new struggle for independence…"**_

We now see Ozai and Fright Knight coming out of a portal and arrived at Amity Park graveyard. Ozai then gasps as Spongebob appears in front of him. Ozai then turns his head and sees that Fright Knight is about to enter a portal and leave him behind. Ozai charged over to him, punches him in the face and knocks him to the ground.

"_So after the prologue, we see Ozai and Fright Knight escaped to Amity Park graveyard. However Spongebob appears before them. Fright Knight was about to leave Ozai behind. Angered by his betrayal, Ozai knocks Fright Knight to the ground and about to finish him off, when suddenly, Spongebob did something that is extremely out of his character." DW explained._

Spongebob quickly creates a ball of lightning with his hands and shot the ball of energy at Ozai.

"_He shoots lightning at Ozai."_

--

Aizen and Bradley slightly drop their jaws. They slowly turn to DW, who frowns at them. "What?! He WAS playing the role of Raiden after all!"

--

The blast hits Ozai in the chest, sending him to the portal.

"What have you done?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ozai screams as the electricity overwhelms his body and he explodes along with the portal.

We then see Spongebob walking up to Fright Knight. He places a hand on his shoulder and the two disappeared.

"_So after Ozai disappeared along with the portal, Spongebob sends Fright Knight to the elder gods, who will decide his fate and punishment." DW said._

--

We then see a damaged and ruined city called Anime City. We then see Luffy holding Freiza up by the neck. Next to him was Nami.

"It's over, Frieza!" Luffy said.

"Don't be so sure, rubber boy!" Frieza mocked. Luffy frowns and he strectches his arm and lifts up Frieza in the air until he is above the city.

Luffy then brings down his arm and smashes Frieza onto the ground. He smashes Frieza onto the ground so strong that it created a huge massive hole.

"_Meanwhile, at another universe, we see Monkey D. Luffy and Nami defeating Freiza after a long battle against the evil Saiyans at Anime City."_

"Took you long enough." Lucci said.

"Lucci." Luffy said coldly.

"_After Freiza is defeated, Lucci shows up. Luffy is angry with Lucci because he has been siding with Frieza during the battle. But Frieza gets back up on his feet and attempts to escape."_

The three then turned around and sees Frieza, getting out from the hole and creates a boom tube in front of him.

"Luffy, Frieza has activated another dimensional boom tube. He's going to escape!" Nami said alarmed.

Frieza turns around and glares at Luffy while saying, "This isn't over, Luffy! I'll be back!"

"Don't be so sure." Luffy said calmly.

--

"Oh no…" DW buries his face in his hands.

"What? What's wrong?" Bradley asked puzzled.

"He's going to defeat Frieza and send him into the portal like Spongebob did to Ozai right?" Aizen added.

"Yes, he is." DW looked up with a feared expression.

"Okay, then why don't you want to continue watching?" Bradley asked.

"Well, he…he just…he did…" DW tried to explain. "It's very complicated. I REALLY don't want to-"

"SHOW IT!" Aizen and Bradley yelled.

--

Luffy then shoots his laser vision at Frieza and the alien yells in the pain as the laser hits him and sends him into the boom tube. Frieza cries in pain as the lasers flash through his body.

--

DW screamed at the top of his lungs while Aizen and Bradley widen their eyes in shock and drop their jaws.

--

"You fool! You are stabilizing the boom tube!" Frieza yelled. He shrieked in pain as the laser overwhelms him and he explodes along with his boom tube. The explosion causes some nearby damaged cars send flying and Luffy, name and Lucci duck as the cars fly over them.

--

DW wailed in despair as he buries his face onto the desk. Aizen and Bradley remained silent with their mouths open, shock at what they just saw.

"WHAT…THE…FUCK?!?!?!?!" Aizen and Bradley shouted.

"Yes!" DW looked up with tears rolling down his cheeks. "I can't believe I'm seeing this again!"

--

We see Luffy shooting his laser vision at Frieza again.

"_Yes folks, this is the downside of the ENTIRE story. Luffy HAS laser vision." DW said. "I mean, seriously, what the fuck? What the fuck was I thinking back then?! Luffy has fucking laser vision?! What's the reason for this?! WAS I SMOKING CRACK BACK THEN?!?!"_

Luffy again shoots his laser vision at Frieza and the alien yells in the pain as the laser hits him and sends him into the boom tube. Frieza cries in pain as the lasers flash through his body.

--

As DW buries his face in his hands, a single tear rolled down from Aizen's eye. Aizen wipes it off while Bradley shook his head in disbelief. "Despicable…" Bradley simply said.

"My childhood has been raped forever." Aizen sobbed.

--

Luffy grabs Lucci and flies into the sky.

"_So, if you are actually DUMB ENOUGH to continue reading, Luffy flies into the sky and sends Lucci to jail. Yes, he has the ability to fly as well. I considered you to be a winner if you cannot hang yourself after reading that as well."_

We then see a man named Sasori walks pass a damaged café and walks his way to an alley. After Sasori enters the alley, Naraku jumps down and lands in front of him. Sasori screams as Naraku beheads him with his katana.

"_We then see Sasori meeting up with Naraku. However, the meeting doesn't go well and Naraku kills off Sasori."_

"You should have pay up sooner…when you still have a head." Naraku said coldly.

--

"Hey, that's what you would say as well when nobody serves you your tea, Wraith!" Aizen chuckled. Bradley scowled at him.

"Luffy has laser eyes." He said.

"LASER EYES?!?!" Aizen bellowed and he gets up from his seat and starts yelling and thrashing around like a lunatic. DW shook his head.

--

Naraku then walks out of the alley and looks around the city, when suddenly, a boy ran pass him in the speed of light, making Naraku quickly draws out his sword. The boy ran pass him in fast speed again. Although Naraku doesn't get to see the boy's face, he already knows who it is.

"_After Naraku comes out of the alley, guess who bumps into?" DW asked._

"Rasengan!" Naruto yelled as his right arm glows blue and uppercuts Naraku. Naraku yells in pain as he fell to the ground.

"_That's right. Everybody's favorite ninja, Naruto Uzumaki."_

--

"God! How many of our favorite anime characters are you going to rape?!" Bradley asked DW.

"Sixteen." DW said.

Aizen and Bradley both screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

--

"_After defeating Naraku, Naruto receives a call from Sailor Mercury. Sailor Mercury tells Naruto to go to Karakura Town to deal with Soi Fon. But all of the sudden, Naruto's eyes turned yellow and he yells in pain."_

Naruto grabs his head and yells in pain when all of the sudden, his eyes turn yellow. He grits his teeth as Sailor Mercury asked in worry and concern, "Naruto?! Are you okay?"

Naruto's eyes turn back to normal and said to his communicator, "I…I'm fine. Just dizzy." He then placed his fingers together and poofs away. After the smoke is cleared, Naruto has disappeared.

Meanwhile, Naraku groans as he gains back his consciousness and gets up from the ground.

"_Despite what just happened, Naruto proceeds to going to Karakura Town, leaving Naraku behind."_

We then see various scenes of the MK VS DC characters walking away from their unconscious opponents after the fight scenes.

"_Oh yeah, by the way, this is something I never understand about the story of MK VS DC. Why did the Mortal Kombat and DC Universe characters leave their opponents behind after they defeated them? Aren't they gonna finish them or something? Why are they just gonna leave them behind as if the fight never happen?"_

--

"Hey Aizen!" DW said as Bradley watches him.

"What?" Aizen asked. DW then punches Aizen in the face and Aizen falls to the ground.

_**FINISH HIM!**_

"Nah, I'm just gonna act like an idiot and leave you behind." DW gets up from his seat and leaves the room.

_**MORON…**_

--

We then see various scenes.

"_Anyways, after Naruto arrives at Karakura town, he appears in front of Soi Fon and tells her to hand over the medallion she stole. Soi Fon tries to escape but Naruto stops her and defeats her in a fight. Suddenly, Invader Zim appears and takes the medallion. Naruto asks him where he comes from but suddenly, his eyes turn yellow and his head hurts again. Soi Fon takes the medallion back from Zim and runs off but suddenly, a portal appears in front of her and she accidentally enters another universe. Angered by his distraction, Naruto defeats Zim and about to finish him off when suddenly…"_

Suddenly, Ichigo appeared. The Shinigami flew down from the top of the building and landed near Naruto and Zim.

Ichigo gets up and asked Naruto, "Who is that strange guy with antennae and what are you doing in Karakura Town?"

--

"Ichigo is playing the role of Batman?" Bradley asked DW.

"Yeah, he is." DW shrugged.

"Ichigo as the Dark Crusader…" Aizen said as he thinks about it.

(An image of Ichigo dressed in a grey tight suit with a bat symbol on it, a yellow utility belt, black boots and black mask with horns then appears in Aizen's mind.)

"NO!" Aizen yelled with his eyes shaking. "FORGET IT!"

--

We then see Ichigo lying on the ground as Naruto walks up to him. Rukia shoots a blast of ice at Narut, freezing him. Ichigo then gets up and uppercuts him.

"_After a short and disappointing fight scene between Naruto and Ichigo, Naruto is about to finish Ichigo off when suddenly his partner Rukia Kuchiki shows up and stops them. Ichigo then knocks him unconscious and get this…"_

We then see Ichigo working on the computers while Rukia is treating Naruto on a bed nearby.

"_Takes Naruto to Mayuri's Twelfth Division building at Soul Society and operates the building as their secret headquarters. WOW, THAT…is just stupid."_

We then see various scenes from the Nickelodeon storyline.

"_Meanwhile at Amity Park, Danny Phantom and Carrie Francess have both finished school. Carrie tells Danny that some of their friends and enemies have been disappearing so Danny decided to go to the Southern Air temple and look for Avatar Aang. But their meeting didn't go well, so Danny fought with Aang. After defeating Aang, Aang tells Danny that he doesn't trust him because he thinks Danny is behind the disappearances of his friends. Danny explains to Aang that he and his friends and investigating this case and tells him that they should work together. However, Zuko appears and tries to attack Aang. Danny saves Aang and helps him escape. Angered by this, Zuko fights with Danny."_

Danny then hoots as he does his bicycle kick at Zuko and he sends him to the wall of rocks behind him and Zuko smashes through the rocks.

--

DW, Aizen and Bradley both laughed out loud.

"Okay, I admit. Danny doing Liu Kang's bicycle kick attack and hooting like him is kinda funny." DW laughed.

--

"_Back at Soul Society, Naruto woke up and apologizes for attacking Ichigo. Ichigo and Rukia tell Naruto to stay in bed. Naruto tries to tell them he's perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong with him just before something wrong happens to him. Meanwhile, at the Air Temple, after their fight, something wrong also happens to Zuko and the two switch places. Zuko thinks Aang has turned to Ichigo so he and Ichigo fought."_

Ichigo threw a boomerang at Zuko but the Fire Lord dodges it. But the boomerang swings back and slashes Zuko's back.

--

Aizen and Bradley arch their eyebrows. They both turn to DW as Aizen asked, "Since when does Ichigo throw boomerangs?"

DW sighed. "You're probably figuring out by now that nothing makes sense in this story so let's just get back to the story."

--

"_So after Ichigo defeats Zuko, Ichigo and Rukia both contact Sailor Mercury and tell her what happen."_

"Whatever Zuko is, Sailor Mercury, he isn't human." Ichigo said.

--

"WHAT?!?!" Bradley yelled in disbelief. "Ichigo thinks Zuko isn't human?! But he has ears, a nose, two arms and two legs like a normal human being! Ichigo CAN'T SEE THAT?!"

"Just continue reading!" DW yelled.

--

We then see various scenes.

"_So after telling Sailor Mercury about Zuko, the computer detected a similar source at Karakura Town, so Ichigo and Rukia decided to check it out."_

"_Meanwhile, at the Nickelodeon universe, after Danny defeats Naruto, he takes the ninja back to Amity Park. However, his parents were nowhere in sight and suddenly, his arch enemy Vlad appears. Danny defeats Vlad and yes, leaves him behind and doesn't finish him off. Danny contacts Jenny XJ9 and tells her about his investigation. He tries to attend to Naruto's aura but the energy and aura overwhelms his body and Danny disappears."_

We then see Ichigo driving his car through Karakura Town with Rukia sitting in the back seat and Zuko, still unsconcious, sitting on the passenger seat.

"_Meanwhile, at Karakura Town, we see YES! Ichigo now has his own batmobile! Wonderful. How about we make this story even MORE STUPID?!"_

Suddenly, he and Rukia both heard an evil laugh and a doll with spiky light blue hair, blue eyes and wears a white jacket and white hakama fell onto the car's windshield.

Look out!" Rukia yelled while Ichigo quickly steps on the brake pedal. The car then screeches and stops while the doll fell off the windshield and onto the road. The doll then exploded and the doll laughed as it's head flew into the air.

Ichigo then steps out of his car as Grimmjow walks over to him.

"No, no, no! You are supposed to die when the doll exploded!" Grimmjow snapped.

--

"Grimmjow has DOLLS?!" Aizen said in disbelief.

"Yeah…" DW said. Aizen shakes violently as if he feels like exploding but Bradley quickly places his hands on his shoulders, calming him down. Aizen let out a sigh and rubs his temples.

"Alright. Calming down…" Aizen sighed.

--

"Put it there!" Grimmjow said as he holds up his hand. Ichigo touches Grimmjow's hand and Ichigo yells as he gets electrocuted from the buzzer which Grimmjow was wearing in his hand.

--

"THAT'S IT!!!" Aizen yelled. He slams his fists on the table and he explodes. DW and Bradley both watched as he flies into the air and burst through the ceiling. A few seconds later, Aizen yells as he plummets through the air and lands back on his chair. His face is now covered with ashes and wisps of smoke curling of his hair. "Sorry…"

--

"_So after the fight with Grimmjow, Ichigo handcuffs Grimmjow just as Danny appears behind him. Ichigo walks over to Danny and tries to help him. But Danny's eyes glow and he thinks that he's looking at Vlad. Danny fights with Ichigo but Ichigo defeats him. However, during the fight, Grimmjow and Zuko both disappeared. Ichigo and Rukia think Danny is a threat so they bring him to the Anime Society Headquarters to examine him."_

"_Meanwhile, at the Nickelodeon universe, Jenny XJ9 loses contact with Danny so she contacts Carrie. Carrie tells Jenny that she's at Fire Nation, trying to attend the crisis going on there. After talking to Carrie, Jenny tries to get the portal working when suddenly Soi Fon shows up behind her. Jenny defeats Soi Fon and instead of putting her in jail or something, she leaves her behind! Really? You're not going to put her in jail or anything? You don't care if she wakes up and gets access to your stuff or anything?"_

_DW groaned. "Anyways, at the Anime Society HQ, Allen Walker and Lenalee Lee examine Danny and Ichigo and Rukia tells them that they fear that there's going to be another invasion. Allen and Lenalee leave the HQ to look for Luffy. Ichigo tries to examine Danny but Spongebob shows off and kicks Ichigo's ass. The hot headed shinigami managed to kick the yellow sponge's ass, God, I can't believe I just said that, but Spongebob escapes with Danny._

"_Meanwhile, Jenny goes to Spongebob's castle. Yes, you heard right, Spongebob now owns a FREAKING castle. Anyways, she looks for Spongebob but Edward Elric shows up in front of her. Thinking that he's the one Danny fought, Jenny fought with Edward."_

Edward then quickly stands behind her and hugs her tightly. Jenny tries to break free. "POWER!!!" Edward yelled. Lightning then hits Jenny and Jenny cries as the lightning flashes her body.

--

Aizen and Bradley frowned at what Edward just said. They both turn to DW as Bradley asked, "Power?"

"WHAT?! I wasn't a fan of Fullmetal Alchemist back then!" DW yelled.

--

"_Anyways, Jenny defeats Edward but Lenalee shows up. Jenny defeats Lenalee as well but Allen stops her and they both escape with Edward. Just then, El Tigre shows up but Jenny gets the rage and mistakes El Tigre for Zim, so she attacks him."_

El Tigre then takes out his AK-47 rifle which he carried on his back and fires at Jenny.

--

"El Tigre uses a freaking AK-47 Rifle?!?!" Bradley yelled.

"Just read!" DW yelled.

--

"_So El Tigre defeats Jenny and Spongebob and Danny show up. Spongebob tells them that their world could be merging with another and it's their mission to stop it. So El Tigre, Jenny and now Frida decided to infiltrate the base. But Rob Lucci shows up in their base and tells them that he's interested in their portal technology and wants to do business with him."_

--

"Lucci does business with other people? Why?" Aizen asked DW.

DW sighed. "Because in this story, he has his own company called RobCorp."

"ROBCORP?!?!" Bradley yelled, his eyes wide. He then calmly took out a paper bag and then, puts his head into the bag and vomits violently. DW and Aizen winced.

--

"_So El Tigre manages to defeat Lucci and of course, leaves him behind! Really? Anyways, he, Frida and Jenny then enter the portal and infiltrate the Anime Society HQ. After defeating Edward and Sailor Mercury, El Tigre and Frida freed Aang. Aang tells them he needs to see Fright Knight for answers so he set out to Spongebob's castle."_

"_While that's going on, Allen and Lenalee are teleported to the Black Order HQ. Komui, Kanda and Miranda tells them that two worlds are merging and they have to stop it. But then Lucci and Soi Fon suddenly appeared. How? Because they used the teleportation device at the Nickelodeon base back at the Nickelodeon universe. Way a go, Nickmorons! Good job leaving Lucci and Soi Fon behind instead of putting them in jail!"_

"And who knew that their security is even more pathetic than the Karakura Town Museum." Soi Fon smirked.

--

"You can say that again, Soi Fon." DW said. Aizen and Bradley nodded in agreement.

--

"_After Allen defeats Lucci, Komui, Kanda and Miranda tell them that both good and evil must work together to stop the merging before it's too late. Lavi shows up and tells them he wishes to join in the mission. So the exorcists transport Lucci and Soi Fon back to Anime City and Lucci plans to form a team of villains to stop the merging."_

"_While that's going on, Aang's search led him and Katara to the Ghost Zone. There, they come across fright Knight and Zuko. It turns out Zuko thinks that Aang has kidnapped his family and wishes to make him pay. Katara tries to stop the two from fighting."_

"I thought we were allies!" Katara added.

"Stay away from this, Katara!" Zuko bellowed as he fire-punches katara and knocks her to the ground unconscious.

--

"OW!" Aizen and Bradley yelled.

"Zuko! You're as bad as Kazuya from Tekken!" DW said.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**"I told you you're mistaken!" Zuko yelled in Kazuya's voice as he fire-punches Katara and knocks her to the ground unconscious.**_

_**End of Gag**_

--

"_So Aang manages to defeat Zuko but their fight causes Fright Knight to be free from his bonds. He sends Aang and Katara back to the human world and tells Zuko to search for Carrie Angel. Yeah? Remember her? She's still in the story."_

"_Meanwhile, after regaining his consciousness, Edward Elric goes to Risembool and realizes the town is deserted. He comes across Spongebob and after defeating him, he meet up with his brother Alphonse and his hot chick friend Winry Rockbell. Winry then get this, takes out a FREAKING communicator and shows Edward that Frieza and Ozai had merged together into one being and that being is merging the two worlds together. And who is this being?"_

"You must stop Tabuu." Alphonse said as Winry then took out a communicator and shows Edward a holographic image of a light blue figure with red eyes. His name was Tabuu.

--

Aizen and Bradley groaned as they rub their temples. DW watched them.

A few seconds later, they both turned to DW and Bradley asked, "So…Tabuu from Super Smash Brothers Brawl is the being that Frieza and Ozai both merged into?"

"Yes." DW nodded.

"Aizen and Bradley shook their heads furiously as Aizen said, "You could have create a whole new character to play the role of Dark Kahn BUT YOU HAVE TO USE FUCKING TABUU FROM SUPER SMASH FUCKING BROTHERS BRAWL TO PLAY AS DARK FUCKING KAHN?!?!"

"This is stupid!" Bradley yelled.

"Stupid!" Aizen added.

"Stupid…stupid…stupid, stupid, stupid…." DW watched as Aizen and Bradley then got up from their seats and thrashes around like maniacs as they continue saying "Stupid".

_**1 Hour Later…**_

Aizen and Bradley bury their faces into their hands after they both sit back down on their seats. DW pats their shoulders and the two villains sobbed silently.

Aizen and Bradley then look up at DW as Bradley said, "Okay, you know what DW? Aizen and I think we aren't capable enough to read through this story. So to fix this problem, Aizen and I are going to make the proper adjustments." Bradley and Aizen then took out their hammers.

_TRANSMISSION LOST DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES…(Althought you can still hear Aizen and Bradley yelling in pain)_

After the transmission is back on, we see Aizen and Bradley both smiling and laughing stupidly, rolling their eyes and sticking their tongues out. DW sighed and shook his head.

"We love spaceships…" Aizen giggled stupidly.

--

_DW sighed. "So after Edward had a pointless three-way fight with Zuko, Skulker and Vlad, Edward is transported back to Anime City where he meets Lucci and his new team of villains. Luffy also arrives and Edward tells them that they need to work together to fight Tabuu. Lucci remembers about the teleportation device back at the Nicktoons base and suggest that they can use it to go to Planet Frieza. Luffy has no choice but to trust Lucci and tells them he will go back to base and gather everyone."_

"_Meanwhile, after Zuko captured Carrie, Fright Knight and Carrie go to Spongebob's castle and meet up with the heroes. Carrie reveals to them about Tabuu and tells them they need to work together to stop him."_

"_So let's speed this story up. Eventually, all the Anime Universe characters arrive at the Nicktoons base and use the teleportation device to go to Planet Frieza while all the Nicktoons used Carrie's portal to go to the Fire Nation."_

"_Upon arriving, both sides are shocked to see that both the Fire Nation and Planet Frieza are completely destroyed by the merging and pieces and debris are now floating everywhere in space, where everyone are of course, PERFECTLY ABLE TO BREATHE."_

--

"WHAT?!?!" Aizen and Bradley both shouted. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!"

"YOU CAN'T BREATHE IN SPACE GUYS!" Aizen yelled.

"THAT'S KINDERGARTEN SCIENCE!" Bradley added.

"DW sighed, "Calm down you guys."

"No we can't! This story is still going!" Aizen said.

--

"_So both sides meet each other and I got to admit, this is the only scene throughout the entire story that I actually like."_

"I am Monkey D. Luffy. We need to know your intentions." Luffy said to Spongebob while his allies stand behind him.

"I am Spongebob Squarepants. God of Thunder. With me are the mightiest warriors of my universe." Spongebob said. As the Nicktoons' rock floats above the Anime characters' rock, Danny, Carrie and the other Nicktoons jumped up and landed on the Anime characters' rock.

All the Nicktoons then get up and prepare to fight. Skulker, Vlad and Zim have malicious grins on their faces. Danny, Carrie, Aang, Katara, Toph, Zuko, Sandy and Jenny have stern looks on their faces. El Tigre, Frida, Timmy and Jimmy smirk as their crack their knuckles.

"We have come to challenge you…in Mortal Kombat!" Spongebob said as he holds up his fist while the other Nicktoons get into their fighting stances. "You will be defeated!"

"Don't be so sure." Luffy smirked as he folds his arms. "If you want a fight, then you can see that me and my friends are up for the challenge!"

The other anime characters prepare to fight as well. Ichigo, Rukia, Naraku and Lucci grit their teeth as they got into their fighting stances. Soi Fon frowns deeply as she holds up her Suzumebachi. Sailor Mercury crosses her wrists, preparing to use her magic. Naruto, Sasuke and Edward have stern looks on their faces as they got into their fighting stances. Allen frowns as his left eye turns red and turns his left arm into his Anti-Akuma arm. Lenalee lifts up one of her legs as she activates her Innocence boots. Lavi draws out his hammer. Nami draws out her staff, preparing to fight with it. Road just smiled calmly as she gets into her fighting stance. Grimmjow smirked and snickered as he cracks his knuckles and gets into his fighting stance.

"But suddenly, Tabuu arrives to interrupt their meeting!"

"It's Tabuu!" Nami yelled in horror.

--

"It's Tabuu!" DW yelled like a retard. Aizen and Bradley frowned at him. "OH WHAT?! Like she could have done it better!"

--

"_So Tabuu makes them get into the rage and fight each other."_

"**FIGHT!!!" **Tabuu yelled.

Danny, Carrie, Vlad, Skulker, Jenny, Zim, Sandy, Jimmy, Timmy, Aang, Katara, Toph, Zuko, El Tigre and Frida all yell angrily as they all charge towards the anime characters while Spongebob stood where he is.

Ichigo, Rukia, Soi Fon, Grimmjow, Nami, Lucci, Allen, Lenalee, Lavi, Road, Edward, Naruto, Sasuke, Naraku and Sailor Mercury all yell angrily too as they charge towards the Nicktoons while Luffy stood where he is.

Spongebob and Luffy just glared at each other while the Nicktoons and the anime characters continue yelling as they charge towards each other.

All the fighters continue yelling until they are all close to each other.

"_So after the fight, Spongebob and Luffy go to Tabuu's fortress to face Tabuu. However, the two face each other and fight. Both Spongebob and Luffy get exhausted from the fight but that makes Tabuu delighted."_

Spongebob and Luffy turned their heads to him as Tabuu continued as he stands up from his throne, **"Such power, the hatred, the anger! Your combat hastens the merging!!!"**

"_So Luffy tries to stop Tabuu which makes Spongebob realized he and the Anime characters weren't working for Tabuu all along. Tabuu pins Luffy down but Spongebob saves him and gets pin down too. Tabuu is shocked to see Spongebob and Luffy both realizing that they are not enemies and forces them to fight each other again but Spongebob and Luffy overcomes the rage and they face Tabuu together."_

Tabuu gets up, but suddenly widens his eyes in horror as he sees that his arms start to enlarge. He sees that his hands, legs, feet and head also enlarges and Tabuu yells in pain until he is completely bloated and a few seconds later, he exploded into smithereens and the rage inside him escapes and rushes through his palace and everything fades to white.

"So after Spongebob and Luffy maange to defeat Tabuu, the worlds are separated and everything goes back to normal. Spongebob imprisons Frieza in the Ghost Zone while Luffy imprisons Ozai in get this, the PHANTOM ZONE FROM SUPERMAN 2."

--

Aizen and Bradley drop their jaws. "WHAT..THE…FUCK?!?!" They both yelled.

"The Phantom Zone is in this story?!" Bradley yelled.

"THIS…IS…STUPIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!" Aizen and Bradley both slam their fists on the desk and the two villains explode.

After the smoke is cleared, both villains then wailed in despair and bury their faces in their hands while DW sighed, "Alright you guys, I'm wrapping this up."

--

"_After peace is restored, everybody go back to their normal lives even though most of them did absolutely nothing. And they all live happily ever after."_

"_That is until Vlad, Skulker and Zim become Frieza's slaves after they accidentally free him while Ozai breaks out of the Phnatom Zone with an army of villains and prepare to take over the galaxy. What a fucking load…"_

--

"THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY ASS OF SHIT!" DW yelled while Aizen and Bradley continue sobbing. "This is bad. This is REALLY, REALLY………BAD!!!"

We then see various scenes from the story.

"_The characters are out-of-character, the fight scenes are lame, the final boss is unoriginal, it's just BAD. BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD!"_

--

"So do yourselves a favour and stay away from this story! Nickelodeon VS Anime Universe is a fucking joke! Let this fanmake rot for all I care!" DW yelled. He then turns to Aizen and Bradley as the two villains continue crying.

"Oh come on you guys! At least it wasn't as bad as The Mansion 2!" DW said. Aizen and Bradley screamed in terror. DW watched as they both got up from their seats, run over to the nearest window and jump down to their deaths.

DW turns back to the camera. "You know, I'm not gonna miss them."

**THE END**


	8. Today in Class 5 2

DW: I would like to thank DarkMagicianmon, Jean Kazuhiza, TLSoulDude, matt0044, Nukid, airnaruto45, and Amber Pegasus for reviewing!

_**Chapter 8: Today in Class 5-2**_

We see DW sitting behind his desk and dressed in his black t-shirt, blue jeans and blue cap. He sin't feeling well today because he is lying back on his chair with his eyes staring off into space and his mouth hanging open.

The cameraman then grabs a bucket of water and splashes all of the water on DW, causing him to snap out of his thoughts and shakes his head frantically.

"Thank you." DW said as he adjusts his glasses and strokes his hair. "Hello, I'm the Anime Critic, and I can't believe I watched Today in Class 5-2."

_**Today in Class 5-2 Review**_

We then see various clips and scenes from the anime.

"I mean I had never seen a more idiotic and unfunny anime than Today in Class 5-2! It's filled with unfunny jokes, scenes that make you cringe and tons of stuff you wish you never see. It may not be the worst anime I ever seen, but trust me, it's in the Top 5!"

--

"This is the anime…" DW said angrily as he holds up the DVD case of Today in Class 5-2. He puts it down and shows his wrists which are wrapped in bandages. "These are my wrists after watching the anime…" He then holds up a notepad and shows a page where DW kept writing 'Why?'. "And these are the notes I took down while watching the anime."

He angrily puts the notepad down and yelled, "Let's just get this piece of ass over with!"

--

We then see the opening sequence of the anime.

"_So let's take a look at the opening sequence. We see a boy named Ryota Sato and a bunch of bitches having fun while walking to school and some funny scenes from the anime while a cute and innocent theme song plays in the background. It looks innocent, making the poor viewers totally unaware of the shit they are about to watch."_

--

We then see the first part of the first episode.

"_We then start off the first episode with the first part of the episode called 'Wiggle Wiggle'."_

--

"Oh yeah, by reading the title, you can tell it's going to be a great anime." DW said sarcastically.

--

In the classroom, a girl named Aihara Kazumi walks up to Ryota and two other boys and talks to Ryota.

"_So the first part of the first episode is about a girl named Aihara Kazumi walks up to Ryota and tells him if he would like to stay back after school today to do a health report. Ryota agrees and the two stay back in the classroom after school and do their report."_

"Just the two of them alone together in the classroom after school." One of the boys said to the other boy smiling.

"Sounds a little suspicious to me." The other boy smiled.

"_By the way, does Ryota's voice sound familiar to you?"_

"What the heck are you morons thinking?" Ryota asked angrily.

--

We cut to a scene from Claymore.

"Once the job is completed, there will be someone who will come and collect it." Clare said.

"_That's right! It's Houko Kuwashima, the same voice seiyu who plays Clare from Claymore! Yeah, lately, I'm been making a lot of Claymore references, huh?"_

--

"Come on Kuwashima, you're a great voice seiyu. Why are you getting cast into these kinds of animes back then?" DW asked.

--

_**Cutaway Gag**_

"_**Raki, you have to get out of here. Ophelia is able to sense my Yoki and come after me." Clare said to Raki. "So…"**_

"_**No!" Raki yelled. "That's not it! I want to be help to you, Clare! I know I'm no help and I know your voice seiyu plays in a horrible anime called Beyblade. But even so, I want to be by your side!"**_

"_**Yeah, about my voice seiyu, she also stars in Today in Class 5-2 where she plays as a boy who always gets into girl problems. You know, BIG girl problems." Clare said.**_

"_**Okay, got to go. BYE!" Raki then turns around and runs away as fast as he can.**_

_**End of Gag**_

--

We then see Aihara and Ryota sitting together at a table while looking at their reports. Aihara bites off her mechanical pencil.

"_Alright, back to the anime. While they are doing their report, Aihara, I'm not kidding, literally bites off the top of her mechanical pencil. What the hell?"_

"I don't really mean to butt into your eating habits but I'm pretty sure mechanical pencils are bad for you." Ryota said to Aihara. But Aihara continues biting off her mechanical pencil until only half of it is left.

"_But Aihara ignores her and bites off half of her mechanical pencil."_

Ryota then picks up his report and mechanical pencil but the mechanical pencil slips off from his hand.

"_So Ryota's mechanical pencil accidentally slips off from his hand and gets a paper cut on his finger. So Aihara decided to do the best way to wipe a paper cut…by SUCKING IT."_

Aihara inserts Ryota's injured finger into her mouth and starts sucking it. Ryota yelps.

--

"What the fuck?!?! Why is she doing this?!" DW yelled.

--

"STOP IT!" Ryota yelled as he removes his finger from Aihara's mouth and a tooth fell onto the table. Ryota widens his eyes.

"It fell out." Aihara said. "Thanks for pulling it out!"

--

DW drops his jaw. "That's the reason why she was biting mechanical pencils and sucking his finger? Because she needs to pull out a baby tooth?"

--

We then see Aihara sucking Ryota's finger.

"_I mean…that is like the awkward way to pull out a tooth. Why would you suck a finger to pull your teeth out?! Can't you do anything else besides that and biting off mechanical pencils?!?! That's not funny!"_

--

We then cut to the next part of the episode.

"_Fuck this, let's just go to the next part which is titled 'Collar bones'."_

We then see the same two boys reading a girls magazine together until many girls surround them and yell at them.

"_It starts off with two boys reading a porno magazine, causing all the girls in the class to yell and scold them, saying that boys only care about women's breasts. The boys asked Ryota for backup and how did he respond?"_

"You see, all girls are about…" Ryota said awkwardly. "…their collarbones I think."

"Collarbones?" Everyone in class asked.

--

DW frowns at the camera. "BULL…FUCKING…SHIT!"

--

We then see various clips and scenes.

"_Ryota actually believes that breasts are the best thing about women while a girl named Asuna Yuuki is left wondering why collar bones are attractive to men. Seriously, I can't believe FIFTH GRADERS are talking about this! Why would eleven year olds talk about something like this?!"_

We then see Ryota and Asuna meeting each other at a drinking fountain in a park.

"_So Ryota and Asuna meet up together in a drinking fountain. Asuna leans down to drink some water while Ryota decided to be a pervert."_

As Ryota leans down and drinks some water from the fountain, Ryota blushes crimson as he looks down at Asuna's breasts.

--

"WHY ARE YOU OVEREXPOSING BREASTS OF AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD?!?! THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY!" DW yelled angrily.

--

Asuna gasped as she backs away and she splashes water at Ryota.

"_Although Ryota was clearly looking at her breasts, Asuna mistakes him for looking at her collarbones and gets offended anyway. Gee, that would have been funny if they haven't exposed her breasts! So yeah, it's not funny either."_

We then go to the next part of the episode.

_DW sighed. "Anyways, next, chapter 3 of this episode, entitled 'Undefeated'."_

We see various clips and scenes.

"All right! I win again!" A girl named Natsumi said.

"_We see a tomboyish girl named Hirakawa Natsumi who is the best in sports. She beats Ryota in football and Ryota is forced to run an errand with her in the PE room looking for soccer cones. Not nothing that they are inside, the PE teacher locks them up in the room."_

"We're locked in." Ryota said as he tries to slide open the doors. Natsumi gasped.

"What'll we do? I'm scared of the dark." Natsumi cried. Ryota smirked.

"_Wanting to have revenge for his loss, Ryota tries to scare Natsumi shitless. And all of the sudden, Natsumi does this."_

"I can't take this! I'm scared!" Natsumi cried helplessly. "Satou-kun, where are you?!" With her eyes closed, unaware to her, she grabs Ryota's pants and pulls them, revealing his underwear. Ryota widens his eyes.

--

DW drops his mouth. "Oh my God."

--

"No! If I let go, you'll just run away by yourself!" Natsumi cried.

"_My God. My God. OH MY GOD! Why is she doing this?!?! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOU ARE PULLING DOWN SOMEONE ELSE'S PANTS?!?!"_

"_The teacher eventually finds out they are missing and he unlocks the PE room doors."_

"Satou! Hirakawa! Where are you?" The teacher asked. But then, he widens his eyes and drops his jaw. The other students are shocked as well. They all see Natsumi crying as she is kneeling down with her head pressed against Ryota's underwear while Ryota looks up and sweatdrops.

"Yuuki! I was scared!" Natsumi cried as she runs over to Asuna and embraces her.

"Saved." Ryota sighed as he pull up his pants.

"Satou…" The teacher growled. Ryota look up and gasped as the teacher cracked his knuckles. "What did you do to Hirakawa?"

"DISCIPLINE!!!"

--

DW groaned as he rubs his face. "I can't believe this but it finally happen. I found an anime which I WISHED takes place in high school. That rape scene was totally not FUCKING FUNNY. By the way, remember what the Nostalgia Critic say?"

--

"Not funny plus not funny…EQUALS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!"

--

We cut to the fourth chapter of the episode titled 'Dial'.

"_Seriously, this episode couldn't possibly get anymore less funny if they show a girl taking off her clothes."_

We see a girl named Megumi, taking off her shirt and pants.

"_OH MY GOD, NEXT CHAPTER! NEXT CHAPTER!!!"_

We cut to the fifth and last chapter of the episode titled 'Sneak Attack'.

_DW sighed. "Thank God. Anyways, this is thankfully the last chapter of the first episode."_

We see a girl named Chika Koizumi talking to Ryota in class.

"_We see our main female character named Chika. She and Ryota both have a crush on each other since they were little but they never want to admit it. So Chika tries to trick Ryota by kissing her while closing his eyes."_

"Don't open them yet." Chika said as she stood up from her chair and leans closer to Ryota's face.

"Now what?" Ryota asked with his eyes closed. "What's next?"

"_And somehow he grows five years older."_

"Don't open them until I say it's okay." Chika said as she leans closer. Suddenly, the other students shouted and point at them. Chika and Ryota then bump their heads onto each other.

"_However, they both got interrupted and they bump their heads onto each other and they both got pissed off by the end of the episode."_

"This sucks!" Ryota said.

"It sucks for me too." Chiaki sighed sadly.

"HOW?!" Ryota asked angrily. Chika snorted.

--

"And that was the end of the first episode. It sucks, doesn't it?" DW said.

--

We then see various chapters from the second, third and fourth episodes.

"So yeah, every episode is a bunch of five-minute unfunny jokes put in together to make one unfunny episode. The majority of the show is filled with unfunny sex jokes with the viewers dropping their jaws, thinking what the fuck they just saw."

"On your mark!" One boy yelled as Ryota and another boy aim their balls at the ground. "Get set!"

"Hey you guys!" Yuuki and Megumi yelled.

"Go!" The boy yelled as he throws down his arm. Ryota and the other boy throw their balls onto the ground and the balls bounce towards the girls' skirts.

Yuuki and Megumi widen their eyes as the balls bounce into their skirts, lifting them up, revealing their panties.

"And again, it's a bunch of fifth-graders making these unfunny jokes!"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Ryota said as he walks away.

"H-hey!" Yuuki yelled angrily as she runs after him but she accidentally steps onto Ryota's ball and fell over.

**CRUNCH!**

Her leg accidentally smashes right into Ryota's crotch. Ryota rolls his eyes back and faints to the ground.

--

"Dear Lord. Every joke is hurting me." DW groaned, rubbing his forehead.

--

Ryota yells as he accidentally falls over and presses a canton of milk with his hand. The milk squirts out through a straw and splashes onto Megumi's breasts.

"_You know, I'm starting to think that the animator of these OVAs just thought to himself, 'Hey! I just thought of something dirty and unfunny. Let's put all these junk in my mind into one episode and show it to everyone on TV and make money!'"_

Chika moaned as she sits on top of Ryota's shoulders. "You're tickling me. Where are you touching me?"

"_You know, at least in an anime like Bleach, Ouran High School Host Club, Fairy Tail and Azumanga Daioh, when they make a sex joke with teenagers, it was funny. When they make a sex joke here with fifth graders, IT'S FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE!!!"_

Ryota then accidentally fell over to the ground and Chika right on top of him.

Ryota then opens up his eyes and felt Chika's butt with his hands. He pokes his head out of Chika's skirt and asked, "What's that?"

"_And by the way, YES! This is all they show for all four episodes! Really unfunny and dirty jokes! With a bunch of fifth-graders! HOW CAN THIS SHIT BE FUCKING FUNNY?!?!"_

While Aihara is lying on a bed, Natsumi sits on her back and rubs her back with her thumbs. "How is it?" Natsumi asked. Aihara moaned. "There." Aihara moaned again.

"_Okay, you know what? I think the animator of this anime is sick and mentally retarded! He's a sick pervert who's obsessed with little girls so he makes four episodes of fifth grade girls getting rape!"_

Natsumi picks up a red-colored chalk and stares at it. "Chalk kinda looks tasty, don't you think?"

"_Oh look, they are talking about if chalk is edible, and that's funny I suppose!"_

"Maybe I should taste it." She smiled.

"You know about chalk, white is vanilla flavor, red is strawberry, yellow is banana." Yuuki said.

"Oh I see." Natsumi said.

--

DW shakes his head. "I'm sorry! It's just so unfunny! CAN WE WRAP THIS UP ALREADY?!?!"

--

We cut to the last part of the last episode.

"_So FINALLY, we cut to the last part of the final episode titled 'Pinky Swear'. And since this is the last part, I'm going to get over this quickly."_

We see various clips and scenes.

"_Ryota remembers that when both him and Chika are very little, they made a pinky swear that one day they will get married. Back to the present, Chika starts telling everyone about her dream, making Ryota even more nervous in confessing his love for her. Later, Aihara asked Ryota about what happen between him and Chika in kindergarten. Their conservation didn't go well and Ryota accidentally fell on top of Aihara. However, Chika sees this and felt completely heartbroken. After school, Aihara tells Chika that it was all an accident and the next day, Chika and Ryota walk to school together happily. Ryota tells Chika about the promise that they are going to get married one day but Chika tells Ryota that her dream wasn't about her pinky swear but about the time when Ryota wet his bed. Just get over it, it will be faster that way. In class later, Chika tells Ryota that the promise they made is just a simple memory and tells Ryota to work hard. After school, Chika accidentally falls over while trying to wear her shoe but Ryota was there to stop her from falling in time."_

"Be careful." Ryota smiled.

"Yeah thanks." Chika smiled back.

The screen fades to white and the credits roll.

--

"And that was Today in Class 5-2." DW smiled. But immediately, his face distorted to a deep scowl and yelled, "THIS IS AWFUL! UNFUNNY! DIRTY! UNINTELLIGENT! AND PAINFUL!"

--

We see various clips and scenes from the anime.

_ "I mean, I never been so HURT in my entire life. If there is anything even more painful and unfunny than Burst Soldier 3 and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, IT'S THIS ANIME! How can we take these sex jokes seriously with fifth graders?! What were the creators of this anime thinking?! Like I said, it may not be the worst anime I ever seen, but it's just awful in every way!"_

--

"FUCK THIS ANIME!" DW then looked skywards and bellowed, "FUCK THIS ANIME FOREVER!!!"

DW turns back to the camera. "I am the Anime Critic!" He looks down at the DVD case of Today in Class 5-2 and picks it up. He then slams it hard on the desk and starts punching the DVD case furiously. He spits on the DVD case a few times before taking out his two-barrel shotgun and fires at it a couple of times. Then, he grabs the DVD case and tosses it out of the window. He turns back to the camera. "I REMEMBER IT BECAUSE I'M A FREAKING NERD!!!"

He gets up from his chair and walks off.

"UGH!!!"

**THE END**


	9. Top 11 Animes That Need a Sequel

DW: I would like to thank DarkPaladinmon, Wilrook, Shadow DJ, X Prodigy, matt0044, Jean Kazuhiza, TLSoulDude, Nukid, Amber Pegasus and Airnaruto45 for reviewing.

**WARNING:** This list contains** SPOILERS**

_**Chapter 9: Top 11 Animes That Need A Sequel Or Another Season**_

We see DW sitting behind a desk, dressed in his black t-shirt, blue cap and blue jeans.

"Hello, I'm the Anime Critic, I remember because I'm a freaking nerd." DW smiled. "As you all know, I love animes. But you know what I hate?"

DW paused for a moment.

"ANIMES THAT END WITH A CLIFFHANGER, LEAVE BEHIND PLOTHOLES OR DOESN'T WANT TO CONTINUE!" DW yelled angrily, banging his fists on the desk.

"I mean seriously, I just can't understand why some animes decided to end with a cliffhanger, leave behind plotholes that were never answered or doesn't want to continue the main storyline anymore. We love these animes and yet the creators say," DW shrugs. "That's it. I'm done. No more working on the anime for me." He got up and whistles as he walks away.

A few seconds later, he walks back into the room and sits back on his chair. "So yeah, why can't these animes continue and have another season? Is it because of financial costs? Is it because the animators want to tease us? Is it because they want us to read the manga instead of watching the anime? Bullshit. These animes MUST have another season and we want them now!"

"Today, I'm counting down my personal top 11 list of animes that need another season. Why Top 11? Because…" DW shrugs. "You know what I'm gonna say. This is my Top 11 List of Animes That Need Another Season."

_**Top 11 Animes That Need A Sequel Or Another Season**_

_**Number 11…**_

_**Code Geass**_

"_Hell yeah, I freaking love Code Geass. It is the best mecha anime I ever watched. However, the story ends with speculation."_

We see scenes of the final part of Episode 25 of Code Geass R2

"_In the final episode of R2, Suzaku interrupts the Black Knights' execution ceremony by showing up as Zero. He dodges some mechs and Jeremiah with his incredible speed and goes up to Lelouch and kills him. Lelouch tells Suzaku that he's now the protector of the world and he dies happily in front of his sister Nunally."_

We see Lelouch trying to kill his father in Episode 15.

"_But this is where fans love to nitpick. Remember in episode 15, Lelouch tries to kill his father Charles but he couldn't because he has the power of Geass, making him an immortal."_

--

"So if Lelouch also has the power of Geass, shouldn't that make him immortal too?" DW asked as he shrugs. "He really didn't die, did he? Fortunately, on December last year, Sunrise has announced that a new Code Geass series has been given the green light. However, we don't know whether it will be a third season or a whole new storyline. So, will there ever be a Code Geass season 3? Is Lelouch still alive? Or will it just be a whole new series?" DW said. "Looks like we'll just have to wait."

--

_**Number 10…**_

_**Pumpkin Scissors**_

"_First of all, I have to say, I don't really like Pumpkin Scissors. It has a lame story and uninteresting characters. However, the story ends with a damn cliffhanger."_

We see scenes of the final part of Episode 24 of Pumpkin Scissors

"_At the end of the final episode of Pumpkin Scissors, it is revealed that the main character Alice's fiancé, Lionel Taylor, is the main villain. After he kills some civilian we don't care about, he leaves with a smile on his face, happy about the dark future that awaits the world. After that, Randel ends the series with this saying."_

"I am Corporal Randel Oland of the Pumpkin Scissors platoon." Randel smiles as he looks skywards.

--

"After that, that's it." DW shrugs. "The series ends. It's been three years and there wasn't another season."

--

We see various clips and scenes from Pumpkin Scissors

"_I mean seriously, I don't know why they have to end the series. We never see the main villain until the last episode and after he reveals himself, we never know what happens to him next. We never see what's going to happen next. Is the world doomed? How is the Pumpkin Scissors platoon going to prevent it? Will they ever face the main villain?"_

--

"As much as I hate Pumpkin Scissors, it should have another season. You can't just end the storyline like that after you reveal who the main villain is. We need to know what happens next!" DW bangs his fists on the desk.

--

_**Number 9…**_

_**Hayate no Gotoku**_

"_Okay, I'm sure many of you never heard of this anime because it never had an English dub. For those of you who are curious, Hayate no Gotoku is a hilarious comedy. It's about a boy named Hayate Ayasaki who is abandoned by his asshole parents who leave him behind a large debt. So Hayate has to pay the debt himself. Having no money in his pockets, he plans to kidnap a rich girl named Nagi Sanzenin. But instead, hayate ends up saving Nagi's life and to repay him for saving her life, Nagi makes Hayate her personal butler and guardian."_

"_Anyways, Hayate no Gotoku is a hilarious comedy filled with several fourth-wall breaking moments and cultural references to Metal Gear Solid, Gurren Lagann, Detective Conan, Code Geass and many more. It's so funny that they have a second season. And at the end of the last episode of the second season, we see a scene of Hayate's girlfriend Athena standing in a field, even though we never see her face."_

--

"So that scene makes fans speculate, will Athena finally make an appearance in the show?" DW shrugs. "If so, does that means there will be a third season? To me, I hope so. Why? Because Hayate no Gotoku is freaking hilarious!" DW grinned widely. "Hayate no Gotoku is a great show and it should have a third season. And I would definitely want to see Athena finally make an appearance because the storyline will be more interesting if she appears."

--

_**Number 8…**_

_**Valkyria Chronicles**_

"_I love Valkyria Chronicles. It has an interesting retelling of World War 2 in Europe, loveable characters and good action scenes. I love the series so much that I wish it has a sequel."_

"_Well my wish came true. After the anime ended, Valkyria Chronicles 2 is announced and the sequel was released on January 2010 in Japan and will be coming soon in North America."_

--

"So that makes me wonder, will Valkyria Chronicles 2 have an anime adaption too? I mean we love the first Valkyria Chronicles anime adaption, so will there be a second season based on the sequel as well?" DW sighed. "Looks like we'll just have to wait."

--

_**Number 7…**_

_**Avatar: The Last Airbender**_

"_I know it's cheating to put an American cartoon in the list. But hey, Avatar is an anime style cartoon so I can't argue with that. Anyways, I freaking love Avatar. It has an awesome storyline, loveable characters and awesome fighting scenes and martial arts styles."_

_We see various scenes from the episode Sozin's Comet_

"_And the final episode, Sozin's Comet KICKS ASS!!! It's great to see Aang finally defeats Ozai and Katara defeats Azula. And yeah, we all know Zuko becomes the new Fire Lord in the end and everybody had a celebration at Iroh's tea shop. However, the final episode left behind plotholes that were never answered."_

We see the scene where Zuko meets his father Ozai, who is now held in prison.

"_Before the episode ends, Zuko went to see his father who is now imprisoned. Ozai asks why he came to see him."_

"Because you are going to tell me something." Zuko said, narrowing his eyes. "Where is my mother?!" He demanded his father.

The scene suddenly cuts to the inner wall of Ba Sing Se.

"_WHAT?!?!"_

--

"What the hell man?!" DW yelled angrily. "We are about to know what happen to Zuko's mother Ursa and all the sudden you cut to the city of Ba Sing Se?! What happen to his mother?! What did Ozai say to him?! Tell him to fuck off?! WHAT?!?!"

--

We see Katara tying Azula up to the drain, heals Zuko and see Azula crying uncontrollably.

"_Another plothole is that after Katara traps Azula to the drain and heals Zuko, Azula throws a hissy fit and starts crying and wailing like the psychopathic bitch she is. After that, we cut back to the fight between Aang and Ozai and after that, we never see Azula again!"_

"_So what happen to Azula?! Was she sent to an asylum? Did she get exiled and never come back? No. Her ultimate fate was never explained, though according to the Nickelodeon website, after the events, Azula is sent to a mental health facility on an island where she receives constant care and supervision. But sometimes, the facts on the Nick website could be non-canon so some fans refuse to believe it."_

--

"So what happens to Ursa? What happens to Azula? Well don't worry guys, why? Because although the main series have ended, the show's co-creators Mike and Bryan say in an interview that they wish to turn Avatar into a franchise in the future. That means we might see more Avatar in the future. So, will there be another Avatar series and finally know what happens to Ursa and Azula? We'll just have to wait." DW said.

--

_**Number 6…**_

_**Rave Master**_

"_This is another anime adaption that ends with a damn cliffhanger. From the creator of Fairy Tail, Hiro Mishima, Rave Master is about a boy named Haru who is chosen to be the second RAVE master and embarks on an adventure to find the other pieces of Rave to save the world."_

"_The manga storyline has ended in 2005, however, the anime didn't."_

We see various clips and scenes from Rave Master Episode 51.

"_The anime only last for two seasons. At the last episode of the second season, Haru learns that he's the heir to the Symphonia and is destined to battle with Lucia in the future. He says to Elie that he promises to find all the raves and find the Stellar Memory. After that, he and his friends travel into the sunset and…that's it. The anime ends."_

--

"Sadly, the anime storyline never continued after that. Only the manga did and it ended in 2005. But seriously, why isn't there another season? Can't we at least see the last parts of the manga storyline in anime? Can't there be at least some OVAs after the anime? No. We didn't and the third season never came. But seriously, if there ever was a third season of the Rave Master anime, definitely sign us up."

--

_**Number 5…**_

_**Ouran High School Host Club**_

"_I LOVE Ouran High School Host Club. It's a hilarious and enjoyable comedy. Unlike…"_

Clips and scenes from Today in Class 5-2 appear onscreen.

"_Ahem. That…other anime…"_

We cut back to various clips and scenes from Ouran High School Host Club.

"The anime adaption only covers the first six volumes of the manga, with the two last episodes having some changes from the manga. Although the anime adaption is over, the manga storyline is still ongoing. And for those of you who read the manga, the story is now in the story arc where things are getting interesting. Tamaki's father fired Tamaki's grandmother from his company, causing troubles to the Suoh family. Haruhi got kicked out of the Host Club while Tamaki is about to meet his mother for the first time .

--

"If there was another season of Ouran High School Host Club, the anime would cover those events. And that would be interesting!"

--

"_Recently, the studio Bones makes a poster featuring Edward Elric, Haruhi Fujioka, Hei, Maka and other notable Bones characters together, which brings hope that there may be more Ouran in the future."_

"_I know Bones don't usually do second seasons and surpass 24 and 50 episodes, but Darker Than Black was able to get a sequel and last year, Fullmetal Alchemist gets a reboot called Brotherhood and today, it's still ongoing with 60+ episodes! Why can't you do that for the other animes as well?!"_

--

"If there was more Ouran High School Host Club anime, I would definitely watch it!" DW said. "Because it's funny, heart-warming, hilarious and comedic gold that it deserves another season. And I would definitely love to see the new chapters of the Ouran manga to be adapted into anime."

--

_**Number 4…**_

_**07 Ghost**_

"_This is another anime which many of you never heard of. But anyways, 07 Ghost is about a boy from the Empire named Teito Klein who seeks revenge on a villain named Ayanami for killing his father. He escapes from the Empire and ends up in a church called 7__th__ District. At the end of the anime, Teito battles Ayanami until he retreats and hopes to fight with him again another day. Teito went on to pass his final test and become a full-pledged priest. He now has the advantage to travel around the world and continue seeking revenge on the Empire."_

We see the final scene of episode 25 of 07 Ghost.

"_He left the church with his friend Frau and they fly into the nightsky. After that, the credits roll. That's right, another anime that ends with a damn cliffhanger."_

--

"I hope there's another season of 07 Ghost, because we need to see Teito's adventure for revenge continue! The quest must be completed and the story must be finished!" DW said.

--

_**Number 3…**_

_**Claymore**_

We see scenes from episode 26 of Claymore

"Again, another anime that ends with a damn cliffhanger. At the final episode of Claymore, Clare, in her Awakening being form, was about to kill Prisiclla until Raki comes in and convinces her not to kill her. A fellow Claymore named Jeane then comes in and sacrifices herself to turn Clare back into her normal state. After that, Easley shows up, picks up Priscilla and tells the Claymores they hope they will meet again someday. After that, Raki and Clare depart together to continue their adventure together and then…the anime ends. But the manga storyline still continues today."

--

"Seriously, what is up with animes ending after one season but their manga is still ongoing? Have the animators gone lazy? Did they decide to give up on the anime and let the fans read the manga instead? Bullshit. Claymore is a great anime and deserves another season. It would be great if we can see the continuing adventures of Clare and Raki travelling the world to defeat the Awakened Beings. It will be great to see what happens to Clare, Miria, Helen and Deneve after they left the Organization. If there was more Claymore anime in the future, I would definitely watch it." DW nods his head.

--

_**Number 2…**_

_**Cowboy Bebop**_

"_Hell yeah, Cowboy Bebop is one of the greatest animes EVER. At the end of episode 26, Spike and Julia plans to leave the Red Dragon, but sadly, Julia was killed. After having a meal with Bebop one last time, Spike goes to the Red Dragon's HQ to confront Vicious for the last time. Spike successfully defeats Vicious but Spike leaves the HQ heavily injured. His last word is…"_

"Bang." Spike said before he collapses on the stairway.

"_After that, it is unclear is Spike is unconscious or dead. The credits roll and the anime ultimately came to an end."_

--

DW shook his head sadly and wipes off a tear. "It is one of the saddest endings ever to an anime. Spike's fate was left unclear whether he died or not."

--

We see a picture of Shinichiro Watanabe.

"_According to Cowboy Bebop creator Shinichiro Watanabe, he said he never confirmed that Spike is dead and he's not sure whether Spike is dead or alive."_

"_Rumors spread across the internet that there may be a continuation to Cowboy Bebop one day, but Watanbe believes that fans will be disappointed if there was a continuation."_

"_But Spike's fate isn't the only cliffhanger after the end of Cowboy Bebop. What about his partner Jet and Faye? What happen to them after Spike left the Bebop? And what about Ed and Ein? In episode 24, they left the Bebop to walk on their own path. What happen to them now?"_

--

"However, in a recent interview with Watanabe, when he was asked if there will be more Cowboy Bebop in the future, Watanabe teased us by saying 'Someday…maybe someday.' This makes fans believe that Cowboy Bebop 2 is a possibility. And we sure hope it is. Come on Watanabe, more than a decade has already passed and the current generation of anime fans and nerds needs a Cowboy Bebop 2."

--

_**And the Number 1 Anime That Needs a Sequel or Another Season Is…**_

_**D Gray Man**_

_"Aw man, D Gray Man is one of the greatest animes I ever seen. Sure it steals several references from Fullmetal Alchemist, but that doesn't stop fans from loving the anime! It has awesome fight scenes, well-developed characters with great personalities and a wonderful setting. But what I really hate about the anime is that how IT ENDS SO ABRUPTLY."_

We see scenes from episode 103 of D Gray Man.

_"In the final episode of D Gray Man, with the combined efforts of the Exorcists, the Level 4 Akuma is defeated and the Black Order lick their wounds, preparing for their next battle against the Millennium."_

"To end the Millennium Earl's vision of the world's end…" Allen said as he stands in a middle of a desert, dressed in his new Black Order uniform. "It is the duty of the Exorcist." The camera pans back revealing that Allen is standing in front of a silhouette who looks like the Earl, standing on a pole.

--

"ALRIGHT! This anime is about to get exicitng! I can't wait for the next story arc!" DW said, looking excited.

--

Thunder claps and the screen turns black.

--

DW's smile dropped. "No…you're not…"

--

The word 'Fin' appears on the screen.

--

"You're honestly not." DW shook his head in shock and disbelief.

--

The screen fades to black and goes to the next program.

"Time now for Cooking with Scorpion!"

--

DW drops his jaw in shock. He then yelled at the top of his lungs.

"SON OF A BIIIIIITTTTCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

--

"_I mean, I can't believe the anime decided to end so abruptly. Some fans speculate it ends because of Hoshino's constant breaks and hiatuses."_

--

"But whatever the reason is, it's unbelievable that the anime ended just like that. The Earl has yet to be defeated and the fight between humans and Akumas rages on. However, the manga is back and still going on, which brings a flicker of hope to fans that someday, the anime will continue. D Gray Man is one of the greatest shonen animes ever, but it's an anime that ends abruptly. Which makes D Gray Man the Number 1 Anime that needs a sequel or another season."

"And that concludes my Top 11 Animes that needs a sequel or another season. And all I can hope that one day, these animes will continue because it's sad to see them end just like that. I'm the Anime critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW gets up from his chair and leaves the room.

**THE END**

Next Review: Agent Aika (Joint Review with Classic Critic and Nostalgia Kid)


	10. Aika Zero

DW: I would like to thank DarkPaladinmon, matt0044, TLSoulDude, Amber Pegasus, Airnaruto45 and Nukid for reviewing. Thank God I finally finish writing this review. I hope everyone enjoys!

**WARNING: The following anime that is about to be reviewed is an anime filled with strong adult content. If you want to know what Aika Zero is, watch it AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

_**Chapter 10: Aika Zero**_

We see DW64, looking completely traumatized as he lies back on his chair. His face looked extremely pale and he has a laptop placed on his lap. He types on the laptop and a monotonous-sounding voice came out.

"**Hello…I am the Anime Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd."** DW sighed. He paused for a few seconds before continue typing.

"**Well, it finally happened. I've been traumatized by the anime I just saw. An anime SO BAD that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What anime brought me to such speechless state? Well, let me tell you about a horrendous anime series called Agent Aika."**

* * *

We see several pictures from the show Agent Aika.

"**It is an anime about a hot chick named Aika Sumeragi who works as a salvager for hire and saves the world from world domination."**

"**This anime series is famous for extreme amounts of fan service. The anime is filled with 'creative' camera angles that focused on women's undergarments and sometimes, there are also scenes of nudity."**

"**I swear, this anime is even worser than H2O: Footprints in the Sand and more disgusting than Today in Class 5-2."**

* * *

"**And because of the series' infamous popularity, I've decided to check out the anime myself. I took a look at the most recent season, Aika Zero, and now paid the consequences for it. I love to review this anime for you but I don't want to review the whole anime sounding like Stephen Hawkins. So it looks I have to pass on this anime until I have someone to co-review this anime with-"**

"Hey DW! What's up?" Airnaruto, also known as Classic Critic, asked as he came into the room, causing DW to jump in surprise. "I heard that you're going to review a horrible anime today so I was hoping if I can co-review this anime with you."

"**How did you get in here?"** DW asked.

"I'm from the future."

"**What?"** DW widens his eyes.

"Nah, just joking. I broke in." Airnaruto shrugged. DW put on a fake smile as Air grabs a chair and sits next to DW.

"**Well, not that I don't want to see this anime again with you, Airnaruto, but I fear an anime this bad will take the souls of two people. So I'm gonna need at least one more person to-"**

"Hi DW!" Nukid, also known as the Nostalgia Kid, said as he came into the room, causing DW to jump again.

"**Oh Jesus, no."** DW said in disbelief.

"I saw the DW signal in the sky." Nukid said as he points skywards.

* * *

Outside, we see a picture of DW's face in the night sky ala the Bat Signal. For fun, we hear the Batman theme.

* * *

"**Why did I install that?"** DW asked, scratching his head.

"No one should watch Agent Aika alone, especially with Airnaruto." Nukid said as he grabs a chair and sits next to DW.

"Hey Nukes, check out what I can make DW say." Air said excitedly. Then he types on the laptop.

"**I love to wear white panties. I love to wear white panties. I love to wear white panties."**

Nukid giggled as DW snatches the laptop away from Air, who is chuckling, and slaps his shoulder.

"**Well, it looks like we now have three people including me reviewing this anime together. So what do you say we watch Aika Zero together?"** DW asked.

"Sure thing." Air nodded.

"Looking forward to it." Nukid shrugged.

"**Goodie."** DW said sarcastically.

* * *

We hear the Three Stooges theme song as Airnaruto, DW and Nukid's heads appear on screen.

_**The Three Numbnuts: Classic Critic, Anime Critic and Nostalgia Kid**_

_**Aika Zero Review**_

* * *

We see the first scene of the anime.

"_So as our anime begins, we see a deserted church building located in the middle of the forest. We then see a girl walking through a dark cave. Why is she in the cave? I don't know, they never explain but anyways, as she walks through the cave with a flashlight, we see a nice shot of her panties." Nukid said. "And before you guys ask, yes, there are MILLIONS of panty shots shown throughout the series."_

The girl walks through the cave until she came across a huge structure made out of metal. The girl widens her eyes in awe.

"_So the girl came across some sort of huge metal structure. As she stares at it, some yellow string thing sneaks behind her." Air said._

As the girl stares at the structure, a yellow string rushes towards her. When the string is underneath her, the string rushes upwards and pierces through her butt. The girl gasped.

* * *

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Air and Nukid yelled in unison.

"Did the string just pierce through her anus?" Air asked. "God damn, just one and a half minute in and we already see something uncomfortable."

"**Stupendous." **DW said sarcastically.

* * *

After the girl collapses on the ground, the strings carried her up and a door opens. The strings carried her through the door and the door closes.

"_**After that scene, we cut to one year later."**__ DW said._

We now cut to an airport where we see a girl with blonde-brown hair, dressed in a red uniform and black miniskirt fixing her plane. A man stands behind her.

"_So we see an airport where we see our main protagonist, Aika Sumeragi fixing her plane." Air said._

"How old are you?" The man, who is Aika's boss, asked.

Aika turns her head to him and replied, "I'm still cute and fresh, 19 years old."

* * *

"**Okay, whose voice is that?"** DW asked.

"Yeah, we seem to keep hearing her voice in every anime we watched." Nukid added. "She was Kallen Koizuki in Code Geass, Takuma Hirose in H2O: Footprints in the Sand, Mao Jahana in Blood+, Yuri in Death Note, Yuti Ra in Heroic Age, Nina Wang in My-Otome, and now she's Aika in Aika Zero!"

"Stop popping in every anime we watch, man!" Air yelled.

We see the credits and the name 'Ami Koshimizu' appears.

"Or Ami Kozhimizu, whoever the hell you are!" Air said.

* * *

We then see Aika drives her plane through the runway.

"_So as Aika takes a ride on her plane, we see the opening credits and listen to our opening theme song, Flying Kid, sang by Ami Koshimizu herself." Nukid said._

The opening song plays as Aika flies into the sky.

Song: _**Watashi wa motto ganbarerutte  
Yakusokushita kimi to**_

"_By the way, this theme song is SHIT." Air said. "We check out the English translation of this song and these are the lyrics."_

* * *

DW straightens his glasses as Nukid holds the song sheet in front of him. DW then types on his laptop.

"**I will try harder. That I promised to you. I hate secrets but, I will not show you my pain."** DW said.

"What the hell does that mean? I mean not showing your pain is a secret?" Air said, arching his eyebrow.

"**To live strongly, is why this body was made. I want you to call me cute."** DW said.

"What the heck?" Nukid said, narrowing his eyes. "You mean you want us to call your muscular body cute?"

"**My teary eyes are stubborn. I decided to shift towards a certain direction. The vector doesn't shake. We are flying kids."** DW said.

DW, Air and Nukid then turn to the camera with puzzled looks. "WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SONG?" Air and Nukid yelled in unison.

* * *

"_So after the opening sequence, we see the same church we saw in the beginning. Inside the church, a girl in black uniform is standing behind a door until a voice calls her in." Nukid said._

"Come in." A voice said.

"_The girl enters the room and we now see our main villains of the show, the white knights." Nukid said._

(A picture of a white knight from the video game White Knight Chronicles appear onscreen)

"_God, we wish. No, these villains aren't the white knights from White Knight Chronicles but they are hot girls in short white dresses. Not even threatening." Nukid said._

"_And the leader of the white knights happens to be the same girl who was abducted in the beginning of the show." Air added. "The leader's name is Miyu and she welcomes the black uniform girls. She and the white knights then examine the girls by doing this."_

"Let's begin." One of the white knights said.

A white knight then opens the girl's uniform, revealing her breasts. "You have a nice chest." The knight said.

* * *

DW, Air and Nukid widen their eyes and drop their jaws.

* * *

Another white knight lifts up a girl's skirt and rubs her legs. "You have nice legs." The white knight smiled.

"Cute ass." Another white knight said as she lifts up another girl's skirt.

"_Isn't this retarded? I mean imagine in real life, when you go for a job interview and your employer starts taking off your clothes, shouldn't you, oh I don't know, GET THE FUCK OUT?" Nukid said._

"**So while they are examining the girls, the strings sneak behind the girls and poke through their asses. God I can't believe I just said that. The girls fell unconscious and the white knights take them away." **DW said.

"_Meanwhile, Aika is flying above the church but suddenly, the plane gets hit and she is forced to land back at the airport. While she and her boss examine the damage on her plane, Aika's friend Eri calls up." Air said._

"_So Aika meets up with Eri in a small café." Nukid said._

"It's been a while since we've seen each other." Eri smiled as the waitress places their drinks on the table.

"Yeah…" Aika sighed.

Eri then places her hand under the waitress's dress and rubs her butt. "You've changed your hairstyle, right?" Eri asked. The waitress gasped.

* * *

"Man, I really got nothing to say. I mean, was that really necessary? Do we really have to see that?" Air yelled. DW and Nukid nod their heads in agreement.

* * *

"_So Aika also meets up with another friend named Karen. Karen and Eri then explain to Aika why they call her up. By the way guys, try not to get a shock and confused expression while you watch their conversation." Nukid said._

"A disappearing case?" Aika asked Eri

"I thought it was just a gossip, but…" Karen said.

"The mysterious 'serial disappearances of high school girls' case. Isn't that exciting?" Eri said.

"So that's why I was…" Aika said. As Aika was talking, Karen places her hands under Aika's breasts and rubs them. "That means…you are the one who is requesting?"

Karen then kneels down and rubs her hip area. "Hey Karen-sempai, isn't it about time you got back to work?"

"I'm a clone, so I'm forever 19 you know." Karen replied. She then opens up Aika's skirt. Aika blushed.

"Why have you been touching me all this time?" Aika asked in shock.

"Don't mind it."

"I do mind!"

* * *

"I got nothing to say, this scene explains itself." Nukid said, shaking his head.

* * *

"_So they go their former teacher Risako's place and take a bath. Yup, that's right guys. Only nine minutes in and we already have our first shower/nude scene." Air said._

"If there are some girls that are still missing until now, there are also cases where some of them return." Eri explained while lying in a bath tub.

"_By the way, they were talking about a case of several high school girls disappearing. If these high school girls are disappearing, why the school or their parents didn't inform the police about this? Isn't there a reason for this?" Nukid said._

"Did the school not inform the police?" Aika asked Eri while Karen rubs her back with a sponge.

"That is…" Karen said.

"So they didn't." Aika said.

"_That's right, how wonderful. Karen doesn't even say what the reason is before Aika talks again. What a fucking load." Air said._

Eri then stands up from the bathtub naked.

* * *

"WHOA!" Air and Nukid yelled as they and DW cover their eyes.

* * *

"Hey, aren't you excited? Why are the students being taken away? Why are their memories erased?" Eri asked. "Let's call this a mystery, Marvelous mystery!"

* * *

"Way to say that while you are completely naked!" Nukid yelled.

* * *

"**So it turns out Karen was touching Aika back at the café before because she was just trying to measure her." **DW said.

We then see Aika dressed in a black school uniform.

"So you were measuring me earlier?" Aika asked Karen.

"What did you think I was doing?" Karen asked.

* * *

DW, Air and Nukid scowled at the camera. "What did we think you were doing? Oh I don't know, maybe these?" Air asked.

Several answers appeared on the screen

_Molesting her, stalking her, harassing her, undressing her, trying to get sexual intercourse with her, trying to look what's under her clothes, trying to prove you were a lesbian, etc, etc, etc._

* * *

"_So if you have been listening, and trust me I know you are, Aika has been requested by Eri to infiltrate the church and investigate the disappearance of the high school girls." Nukid said._

"_So the next day, they go to their destination in a private van." Air added._

"Well then, I will be giving orders from here." Eri, now also dressed in a black school uniform, said as she and Aika sit at the back of the van. "Please do your best."

"Anyway, why are you dressed like that?" Aika asked.

"In case of emergency." Eri smiled.

"Emergency?"

* * *

DW, Nukid and Air groaned.

"**You know, I have watched a lot of bad animes. But this anime has got to have to worst script ever."** DW said. **"The dialogue of this anime makes the script of Plan 9 from Outer Space look like a best-selling novel!"**

* * *

A panel opens up and the driver said, "Preparations are finished, my lady."

"Captain, you're still working for Eri?" Aika asked.

"It's an adult thing." The Captain said.

"_What if I tell you that Aika's boss and the Captain are the only two notable male characters in this show?" Air said._

"**So Aika goes into the church and looks around the area. But she got spotted by the white knights and they surround her. Needless to say, they start examining her body."** DW said.

One of the white knights lifts up her skirt and touches her butt.

"Whoa, you have such a nice ass." She said.

Unaware to the white knights, back at the van, the Captain and Eri are watching this through a camera they placed on Aika. Their eyes are wide and their jaws are dropped.

_Nukid chuckled. "I love their reactions. They have the same reactions as the viewers right now."_

"_So after the white knights examine her body, Aika rightfully runs out of the church. The white knights go to report to their higher-ups but they are unaware that Aika left behind a small eraser shaped mech on the floor. The mech activates itself and Eri and the Captain can now infiltrate the enemy base with it." Air said. "Unfortunately, as the mech is about to enter the room, the camera goes haywire and they lost transmission."_

"_So we cut back to the white knights and we learn that they have been abducting high school girls in order to give living body data to their master called Gannai. They only need 18 percent more in order to complete their master's objective and they also plan to capture Aika since her body was perfect." Nukid said._

"**So we cut back to Aika and Karen as they are walking through the school near the church building." **DW said.

"_Come to think of it, why would a church be built next to a school anyways?" Air said._

"They already saw my face; it looks like it's not gonna be easy to infiltrate." Aika said to Karen as they walk through the school.

"But we have already infiltrated, Aika-san." Karen said.

"If possible, I want to finish this without trouble."

"Don't worry, when it gets dangerous, just shoot."

* * *

DW, Nukid and Air groaned as they rub their heads.

"The dialogue in this anime is horrendous!" Nukid said.

* * *

"_In fact, every time when someone asks a question, the characters say the most ridiculous answers ever." Nukid said._

We cut to a scene.

"Anyway, why are you also dressed like that?" Aika asked Eri.

"In case of an emergency." Eri smiled.

We cut to another scene.

"Captain, you're still working for Eri?" Aika asked the Captain.

"It's an adult thing." The Captain said.

We cut to another scene.

"If possible, I want to finish this without trouble." Aika said.

"Don't worry, when it gets dangerous, just shoot." Karen replied.

* * *

"Seriously, I can't believe we have to watch three episodes of this! The theme song is shit, the premise is shit, and now the dialogue is shit!" Air said.

* * *

"_So anyways, back to the anime. Aika and Karen walk through the school until they come across a group of drama club members. The drama club members notice Aika and attack her. But they turn out to be the most idiotic and pathetic fighters ever." Air said._

The leader of the drama club members charges at Aika with her sword. Aika simply move to the side and the leader tripped over and falls to the ground.

**FAIL**

Three more drama club members yell as they charge towards Aika. Aika simply kick the nearest member in the gut and the member fell unconscious and slump to the ground.

**FAIL**

The other two members run over to Aika and Aika jabs her hands into their necks. The two drama club members faint.

**EPIC FAIL**

"_Also, check out these three members after they get hit by Aika." Nukid said._

One member swings her sword at Aika. Aika dodges it and kicks her at the back of her head. Another member charges at Aika and thrusts her sword at her. Aika moves to the side and jabs her back with her elbow. The third member runs over to Aika and Aika kicks her hard in the stomach.

The three members then stagger to each other before they moan and finally collapse to the ground.

"_Wow. After they get hit, they still have the energy to gather around together before they finally faint to the ground together like a minute later." Air said. "Common sense, what's that?" _

"**So Aika captures the leader and asks her why she's doing this. The leader refuses to answer so Aika jabs her at the back of her neck, making her unconscious."** DW said.

* * *

"Which makes that scene…" Nukid said.

(The words **'ENTIRELY POINTLESS' **appear onscreen.)

"…entirely pointless." Nukid said. DW and Air nodded in agreement.

* * *

"**So Aika and Karen disguise themselves as the drama club members and carry the drama club members, who are now dressed as them, to infiltrate the church."** DW said.

We cut to a scene from Burst Soldier 3.

"_Come on you guys, DW, Carl and Allellujah also did the same thing in Burst Soldier 3 so I'm pretty sure that plan wouldn't work here either." Nukid said._

"**And that was a piece of shit story I'm now glad that I disowned it."** DW said.

"_So as Aika and Karen enter the church, the white knights mistaken them as the drama club members and Aika and Karen place the drama club members' bodies on the floor. After discovering that the bodies were the real drama club members, Aika reveals herself to the white knights and fights them." Air said._

* * *

"Which makes their plan to secretly infiltrate the church without getting into a fight…" Air said.

(The words **'ENTIRELY POINTLESS' **appear onscreen.)

"…entirely pointless." Air said. DW and Nukid nodded in agreement.

* * *

"_So after Aika took down the white knights, Karen walks up to one of the unconscious white knights and flips over her skirt." Nukid said. "It turns out every white knight has a small red star-shaped mark located on their ass."_

"By the way Karen-sempai, why are these girls the only ones wearing white uniforms?" Aika asked Karen.

"These girls are called the White Knights." Karen explained.

"_Really? No stupid, ridiculous or corny answer? We are actually getting an intelligent explanation here?" Air said._

"White knights?" Aika asked puzzled. "As in knights in white armor?"

"They are members of the student council." Karen continued. "They're always talked about. Beautiful, smart and athletic people. And they all have marks on their ass."

* * *

DW, Nukid and Air laughed for a minute before they coughed.

"Sorry." Nukid said.

* * *

"Missing beautiful girls, a mark on their ass and White Knights." Aika said, placing her hand on her chin.

* * *

DW, Nukid and Air laughed again.

"Sorry, it's just that Aika just said 'a mark on their ass' and that's not even a good noun." Nukid said.

* * *

"**In fact, this is where Ami Koshimizu should have known that this anime was going to blow when she had to say the line, 'A mark on their ass.'"** DW said.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**We see Ami Koshimizu reading her script until she sees the words 'A mark on their ass' on the script. She arches her eyebrow and turns to the window where the voice director is sitting behind it.**_

"_**Excuse me sir, I want to ask you about the script." Ami said to the voice director.**_

"_**Yeah, what about it?" The voice director asked.**_

"_**There's a sentence that says 'A mark on their ass'." Ami said.**_

"_**Yeah, it's a mark on their ass. What's wrong with a mark on their ass?" The voice director asked, now sounding annoyed.**_

"_**Oh nothing. It's just that, do I really have to say that?" Ami asked, arching her eyebrow.**_

"_**Yeah. It's in the script, so as a voice actor, it's your job to say that." The voice director replied.**_

"_**But can't I just say something else? Or better yet, somewhere else besides the ass? Like 'a mark on their lower back' or 'a mark on their thigh'." Ami said.**_

"_**Come on Ami, just read the script." The voice director said annoyed as he places his palm on his face.**_

"_**Come on you guys, I shouldn't be saying something stupid. I'm an award-winning voice seiyu…" Ami placed her hands on her hips.**_

"_**Say, weren't you the one who plays Takuma in H2O: Footprints in the Sand?" The voice director asked as he looks up at Ami.**_

_**Ami fell silent.**_

"_**A mark on their ass it is." Ami said as her arms drooped.**_

"_**Get to work, puppet." The voice director said. Ami sighed miserably as she turns back to the microphone in front of her.**_

_**End of Gag**_

"_So Karen stays behind as Aika explores the church." Air said. "Eventually, she came across Miyu and she fights with her. However, Miyu defeats Aika. But before the string could…you know…poke her ass…her allies broke into the church and rescues her. They successfully escape and Aika gets bedridden in a hospital." Nukid said. "Aika quickly recovers the next day and prepares to continue her mission."_

"_We then cut back to Miyu and we see a flashback. The flashback reveals to us that after Miyu got her ass penetrated and abducted by the string, she became the best student in the school and she literally becomes good in everything. She becomes a good swimmer and ranked number 1 in school. The other students in school start following her and they too get penetrated and abducted by the string and thus the white knights were born." Air said._

"In the following election, I became the Student Council president, Kana was the vice president and Rin was the Treasurer. And the three of us gathered obedient girls and formed the white knights under the cover of Student Council." Miyu said to a tall girl with spiky long black hair.

"_So it turns out she was talking to the girl who abducted her, her leader Gannai, who I swear looks like the bastard daughter of Tifa Lockhart and Vegeta." Nukid said._

"_But after that scene, the diabolical white knights gathered together in their room and Gannai penetrates their asses. Why? I don't know, she…just does." Air said._

The white knights lie themselves on the couch and Gannai uses her strings to penetrate their…yeah, you know what.

* * *

DW, Nukid and Air groaned as they shake their heads.

**THE BIG LIPPED ALLIG-**

"No, no, please, don't use that." Nukid said, waving his hand. "If you gonna point them all out, we're gonna be here all day."

* * *

"_So the next day, Miyu breaks into Risako's office and shot her in where else? Her breast. Meanwhile, Aika and Karen decided to go back and infiltrate the church once more. After all, when you failed two times, third time's the charm." Air said._

"_So knowing that the white knights have already seen her face, Karen puts on the best disguise she can think of to infiltrate the church, a pair of glasses." Nukid said. "Seriously, how come in cartoons and movies, no one can see pass a pair of glasses? Doesn't this just make people stupid?"_

"**So Aika flies over to the church with her plane but it turns out there was a hidden turret built below the school grounds. The turret hits Aika's plane but fortunately, Aika lands on the ground safely."** DW said.

"_So Aika goes back into Eri's private van and Eri tells Aika that through their scannings, she and the captain discovered a spaceship built under the school grounds." Air said._

"That's it!" Eri said to Aika. "An alien abduction. That's the truth behind the cute girls disappearance case. The cute girls were abducted in order to study the lifeforms of this planet."

"_So these aliens are abducting humans so that they can study the lifeforms of this planet and yet the only humans they kidnap are cute girls. You know, for being an intelligent alien race that comes from another planet, they also seem to be intelligent sexists and lesbians too." Nukid said._

"**So Karen successfully enters the church but she tells Aika and Eri that the church is completely empty because the aliens have moved out." **DW said.** "So Aika decides to check out the gym."**

"_And wouldn't you know it, we get ANOTHER shower/nude scene, this time with more than three girls. Definitely anime nudity at it's best." Air said._

"_So the aliens kidnap the girls while they are drying themselves and Aika arrives too late. However, she manage to see the girls get taken away…through the toilet." Nukid said. "Which is where this anime should have gone through."_

"What if it's a trap?" Eri said to Aika back at the van. "Pull back!"

However, Aika unzips her bag and takes out a sub-machinegun. She stands above the toilet. "Even it's a trap," She jumps through the toilet. "I'm still going in!"

* * *

"I don't care if it's a trap because I'm stupid anyways." Air said.

* * *

"_So Aika enters the spaceship but she gets attacked by two white knights. Meanwhile, back at the church, Karen also gets attacked by a white knight but luckily, Risako comes in to help her out." Air said._

* * *

"But wait a minute! We clearly saw her got shot by Miyu, literally in her breast too! So how did she survive that? Where's the explanation?" Nukid said.

"Unless she was revived by…" Air said. DW, Air and Nukid looked up and pondered.

"_Remember kid," Kamina said. "I died-"_

"NAAAAAHHHH!" Air and Nukid said as they and DW shake their heads and wave their hands.

* * *

"**So Aika manage to take out the white knights and enter the main hall of the spaceship where she meets Miyu, Kana and Rin."** DW said.

"You're finished." Aika said. "Give it up."

Miyu, Kana and Rin giggled. "It's you who's finished." Miyu smiled.

"_Then Gannai lands behind Aika and captures her." Air said._

"Welcome, Zero." Gannai greeted Aika.

"Zero?" Aika asked.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**HEAR ME BRITANNIA!" Lelouch, dressed as Zero, proclaimed. "All of you who have power, heath my words carefully…"**_

_**End of Gag…**_

* * *

"Yeah, yeah, not THAT Zero. But seriously, we REALLY wish it was." Nukid said.

* * *

"_So Gannai penetrates Aika in you-know-where but Aika is still able to move and she tries to break free. However, Gannai penetrates her again for the second time. But this time, something goes wrong." Air said._

Gannai widens her eyes. The strings attached to Aika's back and bottom suddenly turns red.

"What;'s going on?" Miyu asked in shock. The strings then dissolve and Aika's body glow red.

* * *

"My God, Aika is transforming into Sailor Moon!" Air said as he, DW and Nukid widen their eyes.

* * *

"_So Aika regains consciousness and fights with Kana and Rin while Gannai and Miyu prepare to launch the ship now that they have gathered all their data." Nukid said._

"**After Aika defeats Kana and Rin, she goes over to the cell where all the captive girls are."** DW said. **"Karen and Risako arrived as well and they open the cell door by doing this."**

Risako places the unconscious white knight's butt on the door and the cell doors slowly opened.

_

* * *

_

"Wow. So these aliens activate doors by placing their butts on it?" Air said.

"That is like the most awkward way to activate something." Nukid said as he stood up and took out an Xbox 360 console. "I mean, do I need to place my butt on my Xbox 360 to turn it on?"

Nukid then places his Xbox 360 on his butt and the video game console turn on. Nukid, Air and DW widen their eyes and drop their jaws.

* * *

"_So Karen and Risako rescue the captive girls as the ship starts to launch itself. Aika quickly runs back to the church, only to find Miyu and Gannai. So she battles with them." Air said._

Miyu uses her strings to create a large sharp needle. She throws the needle at Aika. But Aika quickly catches it with her hands.

Aika then throws the needle back at Miyu. Miyu froze at her place but Gannai pushes her down to the ground and the needle penetrates Gannai through her butt.

"_Seriously, what is with this anime's fantasy of poking through women's asses?" Nukid said._

"So after Aika defeats Gannai and Miyu, she gets into her plane and flies after the spaceship. And with the help of the army, they took down the ship and the world is saved."

Karen and Eri smiled as they watched Aika's plane flying back down to the ground.

"All's well ends well." Karen smiled.

We then see the credits roll.

"_And the anime finally ends." Nukid said._

* * *

DW, Nukid and Airnaruto sighed in relief.

"So that was Aika Zero." Airnaruto shrugged. "How was it? HORRIBLE!"

"GOD AWFUL!" Nukid yelled.

"**DEPLORABLE."** DW said with a disgusted look.

* * *

We then see various scenes of the anime.

"The storyline is retarded, the dialogue is shit, and on top of all that, it's nothing but panty shots and nudity!" Nukid said.

"The show however is a guilty pleasure to sick perverts and horny bastards who like watching panty shots and naked women. " Air said. "But overall, it's a god awful anime with nothing but nudity."

* * *

"**There. It's over. NOW LEAVE."** DW demanded.

"Aw, come on DW." Nukid turns to DW as he holds up a Darker Than Black DVD. "I got other animes we can watch like Darker Than Black."

SMACK!

Nukid cried as DW slaps his face.

"Don't forget to check out my own NC parody, the Classic Critic." Air smiled at the camera.

WHACK!

"Ow!" Air yelled as DW punches him at the back of his head.

"Well, what about Romeo X Juliet?" Nukid asked DW as he takes out a Romeo X Juliet DVD. Nukid cried in pain as DW punches him in the face.

"Hey, you leave him alone!" Air said to DW. DW then pokes Airnaruto in the eyes.

"Does anybody want to watch some samurai action? I got Samurai Champloo." Nukid said as he takes out a Samurai Champloo DVD. DW bonks him on his head.

"Ow…" Nukid rubs his head. He takes out another DVD. "Afro Samurai?" DW uppercuts Nukid in the chin.

DW turns to Airnaruto and said as he holds up his palm, **"Give me five."**

"Five." Air said as he holds up his palm. DW then smacks Air's face with his palm.

"Come on DW. Don't be like that. We can watch Baccano!" Nukid said as he takes out his Baccano! DVD.

DW then punches both Nukid and Airnaruto in their faces.

Nukid growled angrily at DW. "That's it DW! It's now on!" He then jumps onto DW and continuously punches him on his head. Air wraps his arm around DW's neck and punches him in the gut.

As DW struggles to break free, he types on his laptop.

"**I am the Anime Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd…"**

**THE END**


	11. Batthan's Ash Hood

DW: I would like to thank DarkPaladinmon, Nukid, matt0044, Slop Doggy, airnaruto45, Amber Pegasus, Sgt. Reynol, Jean Kazuhiza and Some6teenguy for reviewing!

Anyways guys, this is my first non-anime review and for the very first time, I changed my name Anime Critic to **the Mercenary Critic** after I've decided to review other things besides animes. So I hope you all enjoy my first non-anime review!

_**Chapter 11: Batthan's Ash Hood**_

We see DW, covering his face with both hands. He then removes his hands and shakes his head at the camera sadly.

"I've…got…nothing." DW said. "I have absolutely nothing. I mean…what the hell am I suppose to say?" He shrugs with a frown. "BATTHAN'S ASH HOOD!"

He paused for a few seconds before continuing, "Does the name 'Batthan' already tell you it's going to be a BAD fanfiction?"

He leans back on his chair and shakes his head in disbelief. He still couldn't believe he's going to have to sit through and review this fanfiction today. He turns back to the camera.

"I feel raped! Okay? I feel honest of God RAPED by this fanfiction. It is THAT BAD! There's no originality, the casting is poor….EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS HORRIBLE!" DW said in disgust. "Show the credits, let's get started!"

_**Batthan's Ash Hood Review**_

(We see several scenes from the story)

"_It's um…it's…well…it's um…"_

DW shakes his head and shrugs, completely unsure of what to say about the fanfic. "It's gonna hurt. I'm not gonna lie to you; it's really really going to hurt. So, why waste anymore time just talking about it? Oh I can think of a few reasons. But let's just review this story anyways…." DW smiles nervously. "Be VERY AFRAID."

(We see Batthan's avatar)

"_First, let's talk about Batthan. Batthan AKA Ethan Tidwell has now been known by many authors as the Uwe Boll of fanmakes. Not only that, he's also the biggest Gary-Stu on this site as well. I mean, take a look at his profile!_

(We see Batthan's profile)

"_Species: Half-human, Half-Saiyan and Half-Vampire? First of all, that's three halves and second, are you saying that Batthan is a fan of Dragonball AND Twilight? His physical appearance: Shoes similar like Shadow's and __wears a necklace with a bat emblem with yellow outline which it is from Batman on it? Is this guy even trying to be original?"_

"_Personality: A lot like Shadow and Maxwell Smart. Friendly, very funny, very serious and calm. Ah…a main protagonist who is BOTH funny and serious. We never see a protagonist like that before! Except Monkey D. Luffy, Goku, Himura Kenshin, Naruto Uzumaki, Natsu Dragneel, Ichigo Kurosaki, and Nukid. How original you are, Batthan, HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL!"_

"_Anyways, let's take a look at some of his stories, shall we? His stories include such masterpieces as…"_

(We see several covers of Batthan's stories)

"_The Sailor Scout of Notre Dame…Amyladdin…The Coordinator Queen…The Great Author Detective…The Little Trainer…Toon Fantasy 7: Saiyan Children, YES GUYS, he also attempted making an Advent Children fanmake, my FUCKING God…and of course, Ash Hood."_

We cut back to DW.

"So, to take a break from reviewing bad animes, I'm going to review a bad fanmake. What makes Ash Hood such an abomination? Let's take a look at…the cast chapter."

* * *

_**Robin Hood… Ash Ketchum (Pokemon)**_

"Okay…I guess…" DW said.

_**Little John… Buzz Lightyear (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)**_

"What the fuck? Buzz Lightyear, one of my childhood characters, as a fat and dumb sidekick?"

_**Extra... Shadow the Hedgehog (Sonic X) & Batthan a.k.a Ethan (me)**_

"Ah yes, extras. What's a fanmake without them? Or maybe it's just a lame excuse for Batthan to include himself in this fanmake."

_**Maid Marian… Kari Kamiya (Digimon)**_

"Kari as Mirian. That's okay. Except one problem, how can Ash and Kari pair up with each other when they are not even from the same show?"

_**Extra... Alyssalioness94 a.k.a Alyssa ( Alyssalioness94) & Zoey (Pokemon)**_

"Ah yes, Zoey. The girl's Batthan is freaking obsessed with. You know Batthan, it's okay to be obsessed with a character you like but don't try to keep using him/her OVER and OVER again in every story you write. Otherwise, you're making the character look, oh I don't know, overrated?"

_**Lady Cluck... Mira Nova (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)**_

"My love for Toy Story has already been raped twice."

_**Friar Tuck... Commander Nebula (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)**_

"Make that thrice."

_**Prince John… Dr. Ivo Robotnik (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)**_

_**Sir Hiss... Kaa the python (Disney)**_

"Okay Batthan. Have you run out of ideas or something? You're using a Disney character…in a Disney fanmake!"

_**Sheriff… Scratch (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)**_

_**Guards... Butch, Jessie, James, Meowth (Pokemon), Broly, Jeice, Recoome, Burter (Dragonball Z), Zilly, & Klunck (Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines)**_

"Oh yeah! Because we REALLY need to know who are playing the minor characters that we don't care at all."

_**Nutsy... Coconuts (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)**_

_**Trigger... Grounder (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)**_

_**Crocodile... Dick Dastardly (Wacky Races)**_

_**Sexton and Mother Mouse... Miles 'Tails' Prower (Sonic X) & Erinbubble92 a.k.a Erin ( Erinbubble92)**_

"Okay, did you ask Erin's permission before you cast her into the story?"

_**Allan-a-Dale… Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes)**_

"WHAT? BUGS FUCKING BUNNY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YOU DARE RAPE ONE OF THE GREATEST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME?"

_**The kids... Goten (Dragonball Z), May, Max, & Brock (Pokemon)**_

_**Kids' mother... Caroline (Pokemon)**_

_**Otto... The Little Green Men a.k.a the L.G.M (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)**_

"Thanks Batthan. I'm glad you think we are all morons."

_**King Richard... Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic X)**_

* * *

"And that was the 'wonderful' cast chapter, everyone!" DW said. "So now, let's take a look at…" DW sighed. "Batthan's Ash Hood."

* * *

"_So our story begins with a prologue."_

Long ago, good King Sonic the Hedgehog of Toon Town departed for the holy land on a great crusade.

* * *

"Probbaly because he's aware that this story was going to be bad."

* * *

During his absence, Prince Dr. Ivo Robotnik his greedy and treacherous stepbrother usurped the crown.

"You know, there's been a heap of legends in all tales about Ash Ketchum, all different, too," someone said, who appears to be a gray and white bunny, he's Bugs Bunny "Well, we folks of the Toon kingdom have our own version it's a story of what happen in the forest.

* * *

"And did you all come up with that version when all of you were high?"

* * *

And so, Bugs played his guitar, whistling as he began to walk.

Now, Bugs is leading the other people and animals.

Suddenly, without warning, Bugs got caught and ran away from the guards, shooting arrows at him.

"_Okay…what's this?"_

The archers chased Ash and the group, and the guards chased them, holding axes.

"_Oh my God, Batthan is adding pointless fillers into his story?"_

More archers continue to shoot at more citizens while they dodged the arrow. We see Ash, Ethan, Shadow, Buzz, Kari, Alyssa, Zoey and Mira running from guards with spears. We see a couple being chased by a guard with an axe.

"_Batthan, you are making the fillers in Bleach look more interesting! This is all completely pointless! What's the point including them in?"_

A while later, the guard is chased by the couple, unknown.

The guard was about to chop the couple with an axe, but missed when Nebula grabed them by using the wheel barrel.

"_TELL THE FUCKING STORY ALREADY!"_

In the story, four figures are walking in the forest.

"_Thank God, the story begins!"_

The first one was a well-built teenage boy about fourteen-years-old wearing a backpack. He had black spiky hair, and he wore a red baseball cap (which had a black stripe going down the middle from the back to the front, and there was a green arc over a green dot on the front), a blue hoody with black sleeves and a dark gray hood, along with blue pants and black and dark blue sneakers. His name was Ash Ketchum. Walking with him is a black hedgehog with red streaks and red and white shoes; he's Shadow the hedgehog.

Next was a man with a strong build under a spacesuit. He had a big chin and the skintight purple cloth was around his head. He's Buzz Lightyear. Last is a boy like Ash, but with blond hair, blue eyes with a necklace of a bat symbol around his neck. He's Batthan aka Ethan.

Bugs: _**Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan**_

_**Walkin' through the forest**_

_**Laughin' back and forth**_

_**At what the other'ne has to say**_

* * *

"_**Sorry guys, but Batthan is helping me pay for my car. Mind as well, sing along in this story." **_DW sang.

* * *

As the four tried to cross, they fell right into the river. They don't mind it though as they laughed and had some fun swimming. As they continue to do so, neither of them saw someone watching them with his army of archers.

This robot was Scratch, the Sheriff of Toon Town. He was the law authority who had been trying to arrest Ash for so many years now that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

* * *

"Maybe he's already in a verge of mental breakdown when Batthan came up to him and cast him into this story." DW shrugged.

* * *

Sure enough, Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan found out that Scratch and his men had them surrounded. They raise their hands as if they were surrendering.

* * *

"Oh Good! Kill Ethan and let's end his career and his story writing!" DW said, smiling.

* * *

Then they ducked into the water as they found themselves running from the archers' shooting arrows.

* * *

"Fuck this." DW said.

* * *

"_So unfortunately, Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan escape the archers. After that scene, we meet our 'diabolical' villains, King Ivo Robotnik and his python Kaa the Snake_

"Taxes!" Robotnik laughed, "Beautiful taxes!" Robotnik continued laughing, enjoying the money.

* * *

"Yeah! Having all these taxes is the only reason why I accepted Batthan's offer in playing the main villain of this story! Hahaha!" DW laughed, imitating Robotnik.

* * *

"_So Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan decided to rob Robotnik by doing this."_

Outside, Ash and Little John are out of their suits and began running towards the carriage to dress up as gypsies. Ash is dressed with a blonde wig, golden hoop earrings, white tank top and purple/blue skirt. Buzz is now dressed with a black wig, blue necklace, red dress and white sleeves and silver bracelet. Shadow now wore a reddish brown wig, pink shirt, dark red skirt and silver earrings. And Ethan wore a white long haired wig, blue headband and white dressed.

* * *

"Good God." DW rubs his forehead in pain. "Toy Story 3 isn't even out yet and my childhood has already been raped. Also, I think this is how Batthan dresses up when he's high too."

* * *

Buzz sighed, "Here we go again." And so, Ash, Buzz, Shadow and Ethan ran to the side of the road. "O-da-lally, o-da-lally! Fortune tellers!" Ash called, in an elderly lady accent.

"Fortune forecast, lucky charms!" Buzz added, tossing the silver ball.

"Catch the dose of your horoscope!" Ash shouted, holding a paper. Robotnik looked at them, smiling, "Fortune tellers! How droll; stop the coach!"

* * *

"Good Lord, Batthan, can you space out your sentences! You're confusing us who's saying which line!" DW said.

* * *

"Kaa, stop hissing my ears!" Robotnik laughed, rubbing his ear. Buzz kissed Robotnik's other hand, but instead the kissed the rings, taking the jewels. Kaa looked sternly at him as Little John showed him the jewels on his mouth. Kaa gasped and began to speak, but he's very nervous, making his tongue moving on Robotnik's ear again.

* * *

"WOW! Buzz magically changes his name to Little John!" DW said sarcastically. "Genius!"

* * *

"_So Ash, Shadow, Buzz and Ethan successfully rob most of Robotnik's treasures and Robotnik orders his guards to chase after them."_

"After them, you fools!" Robotnik ordered. Butch and the guards began to chase after Ash and the group, but unknown to them the wheels fall out, causing Robotnik to fly out, holding the curtains. Suddenly, the curtains ripped, causing Robotnik to fall out and land into the mud, while the guards ran over him.

* * *

"Wait wait wait, in the cast chapter, you have the courtesy to tell us who are playing the guards. And now, in the actual story, you never write the names of the guards except Butch at all?" DW said. "Screw you!"

* * *

"_So after that scene, we see Toon Town, a rundown town where all the villagers are poor, suffering and starving. That's because most of the budget in this story is wasted on the casting of this story." DW said._

Scratch began walking in the town, collecting taxes from everyone who has them; he began to sing his tune.

Scratch: _**Every town**_

_**Has its taxes too**_

_**And the taxes is due**_

_**Do do-do do do**_

* * *

"_**Do-do-do-do, copy and pasting this song is so much fun."**_ DW sang.

* * *

"_So Scratch's job as Sheriff of Toon Town is go around collecting taxes for Prince Robotnik. Or probably for Batthan as well. But good old Ash Ketchum is always around to steal money from the rich and give them to the poor."_

"Oh Ash, you were so much to keep our hopes alive," said Caroline, "Bless you, bless you."

* * *

"Yeah, bless you for selling Pokemon to 4Kids. Bless you." DW imitated.

* * *

"_So after Ash gave Goten a bow and arrow for his birthday, he and his friends Max, May and Brock go out and play." DW said. "But Goten accidentally shoots the arrow way too hard and the arrow went over Robotnik's castle. Not caring about the consequences, brave Goten smeaks into the backyard of the castle where we meet our main female characters, Kari, Alyssa, Zoey and Mira."_

"Okay, your turn to serve, Kari!" said Mira, happily getting ready to continue the game.

"Are you and Alyssa ready, Mira?" Kari asked.

"I'm your lady in waiting, I'm waiting," Alyssa laughed as she hit the birdie. The birdie flew towards Zoey and she hit it in time. Goten watched them playing, but he needs to look for that arrow before he gets caught. He spotted the arrow, which it's by the tree. Goten snuck towards the tree, hiding.

"I'm getting too old for this," said Alyssa.

* * *

"YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS? How old are you Alyssa? Eightteen? When did you become eighty? My God Batthan, you can't even keep track of the character's ages!"

* * *

"_So for those of you who watched the actual movie, I guess you all know what happens next. Kari, Alyssa, Zoey and Mira meet Goten and they kindly give him back his arrow. When Goten and his friends tell Kari about Ash, Kari starts telling them how she and Ash fall in love and kiss. This would have been very romantic if Kari is paired with either TK or Davis, but not Ash! I can't even imagine the two together!" DW said._

At the castle, Kari is in her room, thinking about Ash. She really missed him, dearly from these several years. Mira smiled as she continued knitting something, while Alyssa and Zoey watched.

"Aw, young love; oh it's a grand thing," said Mira.

Kari opened her dress closet and stared at the poster of Ash, "Oh girls, surely he knows who much I really love him."

"Of course, Kari," said Zoey, "Believe me, someday soon, your uncle, King Sonic will have an outlaw for an in-law."

"Oh Zoey, but when? When?" Kari asked.

"Be patient, Kari. Remember, absence makes the heart grow founder," said Alyssa.

"Or forgetful," Kari sighed and looks outside, "I've been away from so long. What if he's forgotten all about me?"

* * *

"He's probably forgotten about you because he's trying to forget this awful story." DW said.

* * *

"_So we cut back to Ash and apparently, he hasn't forgotten about Kari. Here, we continue to read some of the wonderful and original dialogue." DW said sarcastically._

In the forest, Ash hummed as he stirs the food, slowly. Buzz, Ethan and Shadow hanged up the clothes. "Hey lover boy, how's the grub coming in, We're starving," Buzz asked, but Ash kept humming.

"Ash?" Shadow asked.

"Ash?" Ethan added.

"Buddy?" Buzz asked, "Hey!" That snapped Ash out of his daydream, "Huh, what did you say?"

"Forget it, your minds not on food," said Buzz, "You're thinking about someone with long eye lashes and you're smelling that sweet perfume," Buzz began to sniff the smoke and coughed.

Ash gasped, "Whoa, it's boiling over!"

"You're burning the chow!" Buzz moved the pot to the rock and began fanning the smoke.

"Sorry, buddy just thinking about Kari," Ash sighed, "I can't help it; I love her, guys."

"Look, why don't you stop moaning," said Buzz as he poured water into the pot, "Just marry her."

"Yeah, me and Shadow wished we marry someone we love," Ethan added.

"Marry her? You don't just walk up to her, hand her a bouquet and say, 'hey, remember me? We were kids together, will you marry me?'" said Ash, "No, it's not done that way."

"Aw come one, Ashy, climb the castle wall," said Buzz as he looked at the carrot, disgusted; he threw it away, "Sweep her off her feet."

"Carry her off her style," Shadow added.

Ash shook his head, sighing, "It's no use, guys. I thought it all up; it just wouldn't work. Besides what if I got to offer her?"

"Well, for one thing, you can't cook," said Buzz.

"I said I'm sorry," said Ash. Little John looks at the pot, "Hey, wait. I don't remember adding super hot chili peppers to this stu?"

"Me neither," Ethan added as Shadow shrugs. Buzz glares annoyed at Shadow and Ethan, who yelp and put their hands behind their backs, whistling innocent-like with anime sweat drops.

* * *

"Hahaha…" DW chuckled sarcastically. "Batthan, you really are the king of originality."

* * *

"_So Nebula comes across them and tells them about an upcoming archery tournament which Robotnik and Kari are attending. Excited to see Kari again after all these years, Ash decided to participate in the tournament. But there's one problem." DW said._

"Wait a minute, Ash that place will be crawling with soldiers," Buzz warned.

"How are we going to get in?" Ethan asked.

"Ah, but remember faint heart never won fair lady," said Ash, "Fear not, my friends," Ash threw the hat and shoots the arrow, making it hit through his hat, "This will be my greatest performance," the hat landed on his hand.

"_Okay, so this is the chapter of the story where my head LITERALLY explodes. The next day, the tournament begins. Shadow and Ethan disguise themselves as knights, Buzz disguises himself as a Duke and Ash disguises himself as…a hero? No seriously, I'm not joking."_

In the bushes, Ash watched Kari smiling, while Ethan and Shadow watched Zoey and Alyssa. Ash is almost dressed as a hero, Ethan and Shadow are wearing the disguises as knights and Buzz is disguised as the duke.

* * *

"WHAT HERO? My God, Batthan, you can't even described how he dresses up like in detail! Details and descriptions are an author's best friend! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT!" DW yelled.

* * *

"_And my God, there's more torture in this chapter. Ash walks out of the bushes and speaks to Scratch in a different accent. Probably Veronica Taylor's female accent. While Buzz watches the tournament with Robotnik. So yeah, you all know what happens next, Ash wins the tournament and is ready to receive his prize which is a kiss from Kari. However, Robotnik cuts off his disguise in front of everybody, revealing who he really is. Ash gets captured and is about to be executed in front of everybody."_

Robotnik smirked evilly, "Seize him," the guards huddled together and tied Ash up, "I sentence you to sudden instant, and even immediate death!"

Kari gasped, "No…" she began to cry, begging Robotnik, "Please…please sire, I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy."

"My dear Kari, why should I?" Robotnik asked.

* * *

"Yeah! Tell her Robotnik!" DW said. "Tell her why is she falling in love with a character who isn't even from the same show as hers and why is she falling in love with a 4Kids dubbed character!"

* * *

"_So the executioner is about to chop off Ash's head. Thank God! But unfortunately, Robotnik gets choked by Buzz and tells the executioner to cease the execution._

"Sherriff, release my buddy…" Robotnik stopped as he's getting choked, "I mean release the prisoner."

"Untie the prisoner?" Scratch asked, confused.

You heard what he said, you dumb-bot!" Zoey snapped.

"Sherriff, I make the rules and since I'm the head…" Robotnik got choked, "Not so hard, you mean thing. Let him go, for heaven's sake! Let him go!"

"Yahoo! Love conquers all!" Mira cheered, while the crowd cheered for Ash's freedom. Ash got untied as Kari ran to him, holding his hands.

"I owe my life you, Kari," said Ash.

Kari hugged him, "I couldn't have lived without you, Ash."

* * *

"Awww…how romantic. Though sadly, this will be the only Ash/Kari story in this site." DW said with a fake smile.

* * *

"_So Scratch caught Buzz but Buzz dodges from the robot chicken and a riot broke out." DW said._

"Run for it, Kari! This is no place of a lady!" said Mira, joining the fight along with Zoey and Alyssa.

"Come on, Zoey!" Ethan shouted as he grabbed her hand.

"Let's go, Alyssa!" Shadow added, grabbing Alyssa's hand.

* * *

DW groaned. "There are two mistakes in this certain scene. One, Ethan and Shadow don't even know who Zoey and Alyssa is and now they are helping them? Two, why are Ethan and Shadow taking them away when Zoey and Alyssa are joinging the fight with Mira? It makes no fucking sense!"

* * *

"Help! Ash help!" Kari cried, as the guards chased her. Ash held the rope and swung in and saved Kari. They landed on top of the tent.

"Kari, will you marry me?" Ash asked, continued to fight.

"Oh Ash I thought you never ask," said Kari.

* * *

"Even though we haven't seen or speak to each other for years and we're both not even from the same show together." DW said. "So Ash and Kari escaped into the forest together along with Buzz, Shadow, Ethan, Zoey, Alyssa and Mira. The next scene is a romantic scene between Ash and Kari through the forest and the celebration scene with all the villagers of Toon Town…which I'm not going to show it because it's the same exact scene from the movie and there's no point showing it to you guys. And besides, if I show the scene to all of you, you'll all drunk yourselves to sleep."

* * *

That day, Scratch walked into the castle, holding a bad full of money, humming.

* * *

"That day? Don't you mean, NEXT DAY?" DW said. "My God Batthan, you can't write simple vocabulary!"

* * *

"_So Robotnik gets fed up with Ash and the villagers of Toon Town and he decided to get revenge on the villagers by doubling their taxes. And those who fail to pay the taxes are sentence to jail. But to be fair, I think Batthan also needs to go to jail for stealing source material from the actual movie." DW said._

_"So after almost everybody in Toon Town is now in jail, nobody visits Nebula's church anymore and this makes Nebula, Tails and Erin sad. Boo hoo. I'm even more sad that I'm reading this piece of crap story right now."_

Tails kept playing the organs, but sighed, "Friar Nebula, I don't think anyone is coming."

"You're right, Tails, but maybe the sound of this church bell will bring the poor people some comfort," said Nebula, "We must do what we can to keep their hopes alive."

* * *

"Don't mean to insult you Nebula but how can you keep the people's hopes and dreams alive after their appearance in this story? Who would want to use them in their stories after reading this story?" DW said.

* * *

"Tails nodded, still playing. Erin kept cleaning, very upset, "How can there be any hope with that tyrant prince Robotnik taxing the heart and soul out of the poor people?"

Nebula looked at the empty poor box, "Yeah, those poor people. Look, out poor box is like our church…empty."

Erin paused from what Nebula said; she went to her room and got out the gold coin. She came out, walking towards Nebula, "Friar Tuck, we've saved this. It's not much, but please take it for the poor."

* * *

"Batthan has done it AGAIN! Nebula's name magically changed his name to Friar Tuck!" DW said. "My God! You can't even keep track of your characters' names!"

* * *

"_So after Scratch comes in and steals the money from Erin and Tails, Nebula gets angry and starts beating the shit out of Scratch. But Scratch captures him and arrests him for high treason. But Robotnik is still ticked off because it's Ash who he wants to imprison. So Robotnik had an idea. He plans to hang Friar Nebula so that he can attract Ash's attention and set up a trap for him if he tries to rescue him. This DOES get the attention of Ash and he plans to rescue Nebula." DW said._

* * *

"Oh, wait a minute; I think someone's name is going to magically change again." DW said with a fake grin.

* * *

"Ash, we can't let them hang Commander Nebula!" said Buzz worried.

* * *

DW chuckled sarcastically as he shakes his head. "Well you know what they say, if at first you don't insult the reader's intelligence, try, try, try, try…" DW's smile slowly distorts into an ugly scowl. "try, try, try, try, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY," DW now bangs himself on the desk. "TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY, TRY," He looks up and yells at the top of his lungs. "UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

* * *

"_So Buzz, Ethan and Shadow break into the castle and rescue Nebula and the other prisoners while Ash breaks into Robotnik's chamber and tries to steal some gold."_

Soon the group entered the prison where people were sleeping. Soon, they get to work. First, Buzz got Bugs freed of his chains. Shadow helped the L., who was just nearby up.

* * *

"L From Death Note is in this story? Are you really THAT high, Batthan?" DW asked.

* * *

Ethan removed the shackles from Sora and Kairi. Buzz broke the shackles from the Pokemon

Meanwhile, Goten was just freed by Nebula, as well as May, Max and Brock.

"I'm ready! Where's the bad guy?" Goten asked, walking

* * *

"The bad guy is the one writing this story, Goten." DW said.

* * *

"_Okay, so we all know what happens next. Ash, Buzz, Ethan and Shadow manage to steal Robotnik's taxes and free all the prisoners. This causes Robotnik to go insane and chases after Kaa. After some time has pass, King Sonic finally returns to the kingdom and punishes Robotnik, Kaa and Scratch by sentencing them to hard labour. Ash and Kari both got married, but wait a minute, they are not the only ones!" DW said._

Followed by them were Ethan, with Zoey by his side and Shadow with Alyssa. That's right, along with Ash and Kari, Ethan, Zoey, Shadow and Alyssa had become married together as well!

* * *

DW slams his head on the desk. "HOW DID THEY GOT MARRIED! WE ONLY SEE THEM MET EACH OTHER DURING THE TOURNAMENT SCENE AND NOW THEY ARE MARRIED? I guess it's really love at first sight."

* * *

"Well, Friar Nebula," said Sonic with a grin on his face, "An outlaw for an in-law, it seems I now have." He laughed along with Friar Nebula. This was so ironic, it was funny.

* * *

"Way to point out the fucking obvious!" DW said.

* * *

"_So the married couples got into the carriage, Buzz drive them away, probably somewhere far far away from this awful fanfic and they all live happily ever after." DW said._

Bugs laughed as he continued, "Well, folks, that's the way it really happened." They then began to, or at least tried to, sing the ending song.

As the carriage pulled away, Kari, with a grin pulled the curtain of the carriage down so he and Kari got some privacy same goes for Ethan and Shadow, going to do the same thing with Zoey and Alyssa. The last song was heard as the story was about to come to an end.

Chorus: _**Love goes on and on**_

_**Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally**_

_**Golly, what a day**_

_**Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally**_

_**Golly, what a day!**_

* * *

DW shakes his head in disgust. He turns back to the camera. "This is it, the WORST. The absolute WORST fanmake I ever reviewed! I mean, how can an author write such a story this BAD? I mean, THIS BAD?"

(We see several scenes of the story)

"I mean, I don't know whether to give this story a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise, I mean this parody is fucking ATROCIOUS! Even the ending hurts me! Everything about this story is just plain HORRENDOUS!"

"In fact, I don't even know why I'm still reading this story." DW then stood up and leans towards the camera. "I think I better put it away right now before anything else-"

**BOOM**

DW sits back on his chair and stares at the camera with his mouth hanging open. "Oh my God."

**KA-BOOM!**

"OH MY GOD!" DW exclaimed.

**BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!**

The wall in front of him explodes, revealing a multi-colored portal.

"This story is so bad that it's splitting the fabric of space and time!" DW exclaimed as he pulls his hair.

Soon, the chair DW is sitting on starts shaking and slowly drags itself towards the portal. DW shakes his head frantically as he soon gets sucked into the portal.

As he gets suck through the portal, several images of Batthan, Zoey, the Sailor Senshis and his parodies flashed before his eyes. DW stares at them with his mouth hanging open.

"My God…" DW said with a horribly distorted voice. "It's full of SHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT…."

Soon, after what seem like many hours, DW finally found himself standing in the middle of a white room. Everything was white and several paintings are floating around the room. He looks around in awe as he walks through the room.

Soon, he saw CC standing in front of Salvadore Dali's painting of The Persistence of Memory and staring at it. He walks up to her, who turns her head to him.

"Where am I?" DW asked in confusion.

CC remained silent for a few seconds, before replying, "You are inside a bad story. A story so bad that it actually ages you even as you watch yourself."

"Wow…" DW whispered. "It's that bad?"

"Yes, now piss off." CC took out a baseball and throws it at DW's forehead, which knocks him out cold. She then takes out her pizza box and grabs a slice of pizza. "I'm trying to eat my Hawaiian pizza."

But then CC got interrupted when a bowling trophy hits her at the side of her head. CC drops her pizza box and turns to Lightning (From Final Fantasy XIII) who is sitting on a nearby bench.

"OH YOU SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO DIE OVER HERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Lightning let out a hoarse sob and she bursts out crying with tears flowing down her cheeks. She lies back down on the bench and shakily covers herself with a blanket.

DW got up and walks up to Lightning. "Geez, I'm so sorry for you." He said to Lightning.

"Nah, it's okay." Lightning said as she wipes her tears. "I'm done for." She widens her eyes, shaking. "But at least I never had to see that SHIT LOAD OF ASS STORY AGAIN!" She laughed maniacally as she rocks back and forth on the bench.

But suddenly, Lightning stops her laughing and her face distorts into a look of complete shock and terror. "No…" She uttered in horror. "It can't be!" She lifts up her finger, shaking.

"What's wrong?" DW asked. He turns his head and drops his jaw as well.

In front of him and Lightning was Batthan's Ash Hood, floating in the air.

DW stares at the book in complete utter shock, but a few seconds later, his face slowly distorts into a face of rage and anger. He narrows his eyes angrily, grits his teeth tightly and shakes his head frantically. He lifts up his two middle fingers at the book.

Then, everything turned white.

When the light subsided, DW has turned into a douche.

"My God…" He said. "Batthan has finally turned me to what his stories always were. A dirty douchebag."

DW then floats up into outer space and sang in tune of Richard Strauss's 2001: Space Odyssey Theme. He sang as he floats above Planet Earth.

DW: _**OH…MY…GOD…**_

_**IT SUCKS…**_

_**It sucks so bad**_

_**Makes you real bad**_

_**It's rather sad**_

_**OH…MY…GOD…**_

_**IT SUCKS…**_

_**Sad but truuuuuueeee…**_

_**I am the Mercenary Critic**_

_**I remember iiiiiiiiitttttt…**_

_**BECAUSE I'M…A FREAKING…NEEEEEERRRRRDDDDDDD!**_

**END OF CHAPTER**

DW: I hope you guys enjoyed my first non-anime review. Stay tune and read and review!


	12. Pokemon The First Movie

DW: I would like to thank Hurricane's Quill, Amber Pegasus, TLSoulDude, X Prodigy, MistressOfDawn, matt0044, Shadow-DJ, Nukid, airnaruto45, Some6ttenguy and Jean Kazuhiza for reviewing!

_**Chapter 12: Pokemon: The First Movie**_

We see DW64, smiling, as he sits behind his desk, ready to start today's review.

"Hello, I'm the Mercenary Critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd. I feel totally much better now after forgetting myself from…" DW shivered violently. "Batthan's story…" But DW smiled again. "But I'm all better now and ready to start today's review! Some of you might remember my review for Digimon: The Movie."

_"NO! I CAN'T DO IT!" DW cried in agony as he bangs his fist on the desk. "I can't make fun of Digimon! It was the very first anime I ever saw!" DW started wailing in despair._

"Well guys, I've decided to review another movie of my childhood, Pokemon: The First Movie." DW said.

_**Pokemon: The First Movie Review**_

(We see several scenes from the movie)

"_Like I said in my Digimon: the Movie review, I freaking HATE this movie. When I first saw it as a seven year old child, I thought the movie was okay. But now years later, I totally HATE this movie."_

"And boy," DW shakes his head in disgust. "Do I have a lot to say about this-"

_**KERSHHHH.**_

Static flickered in front of DW as he looked around confused. "What the hell?"

_**KERSHH. KERSHH.**_

Suddenly, an author named Titanic Disaster appears onscreen.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, plagiarist?" TD yelled angrily.

"Titanic Disaster?" DW said puzzled, leaning backwards. "What are you doing here?"

"You tell me, pal. I was gonna make fun of Pokemon: The First Movie, and you just showed up before I can get started!" TD snapped.

"Hey, too bad, jerk!" DW snapped back. "I started the first place, and that's when you showed up!"

TD scoffed. "You don't have the brainpower to tell everyone what you think about the movie."

"Why?" DW asked. "So that everyone thinks you're filled with garbage?"

"Say…that…again." TD snarled, folding his arms.

"Oh, you mean that when I say that everyone will think you're filled with garbage? Certainly." DW clears his throat. "Uh, I, that's me talking to you, point up that sometimes everybody will think you're filled with garbage since you showed up to interrupt my review to Pokemon: The First Movie. It can get rather annoying to anyone like me. And I suppose you should not be in this one. Is that good enough for you, TD?"

"Why don't you come over here and say that face to face with me, dude?" TD yelled.

"I got a better idea. Why don't YOU come over here so that I can say it to your face? Go ahead! Try it! You don't have the-" DW got interrupted when Titanic Disaster burst into the room and charged towards DW. DW turns his head and widens his eyes. Titanic Disaster jumps onto DW and starts beating the shit out of him.

DW then kicks TD off of him and stood up from his seat. DW and TD then continuously punch each other in the face.

"STOP!" A voice yelled.

DW and TD turn their heads and see Ricky Blade standing at the corner of the room.

"Ricky Blade from 3942?" TD arches his eyebrow.

"What are you doing here, Ricky?" DW asked in confusion.

"Guys, why are you guys fighting? You're supposed to be reviewing the movie and tell the readers what you guys think."

DW and TD turn to each other and step back from each other. "Ricky's right. Fighting doesn't solve our problem." DW said in agreement.

"Right. This isn't about us. This is about saying what we think about the movie. So, what do you say? Truce?" TD holds his hand out.

"Truce." DW then shakes TD's hand. DW and TD turned to Ricky and both smiled. "Thanks Ricky."

"Yeah. Just promise me you'll put me in another fanfic some day. I've already been in hiatus for a year." Ricky said before opening the door and leaves the room. After Ricky leaves, DW suddenly hits TD's head on the table, knocking him out. He sits back on his chair and looks at camera.

"Now then, let's take a look at Pokemon: The First Movie." DW smiled.

"Moron." TD grunted.

"Jerk." DW said.

* * *

"_So the movie starts off with a mysterious pokemon that nobody sees before floating in a container." DW said._

"Doctor, look at this!" A female scientist said.

"What?" Another scientist asked.

"It's brain waves. They're surging!"

As the scientists started chatting among themselves, the pokemon slowly opens his eyes.

"Those voices…They're outside…where I must be." The pokemon said.

* * *

"Yeah…thanks for pointing out the obvious…" TD said.

* * *

The pokemon then bursts out of its container. Everone present in the room turn their heads to him.

"Contact Giovanni's helicopter! Tell him what's happen!" One scientist yelled.

"Quiet! Let us hear his psychic powers!" The head scientist said.

* * *

"Psychic powers, ooooooooohhhh…" DW said as he and TD wave his hands.

* * *

"So the head scientist explains to the pokemon that his name is Mewtwo and that he's a clone of an ancient pokemon called Mew." TD said.

"We used the most advanced techniques to develop your awesome psychic powers!" The head scientist said.

* * *

"_Awesome_ psychic powers, yeeeeaaaahhhhh…." DW said as he and TD nod their heads. DW then narrows his eyes and said, "Seriously, what kind of scientist says the word 'Awesome' in his vocabulary? What scientist talks like that? I mean, have you ever heard Mordin Solus from Mass Effect 2 talks like that?"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**Commander Shepherd enters the Normandy 2 tech lab and walks over to Mordin who is examining a Collector seeker which he kept in a test tube.**_

"_**Tell me have something." Shepherd said.**_

"_**Yes I do. I've discovered an awesome way to protect ourselves from the seeker swarms." Mordin said as he and Shepherd walks over to his laptop. "I made these awesome armor upgrades to prevent us from getting infected by the seeker swarms."**_

"_**Awesome." Shepherd said.**_

"_**Totally." Mordin said.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

* * *

"_So thinking that he's just a carbon copy and felt like nobody cares about him, he turns emo, gets angry and destroys the lab." TD said._

Mewtwo's eyes glow light blue. He levitates into the air and creates a force field, wiping everybody in the lab out and destroying it in the process.

Mewtwo uses his psychic powers to destroy the lab. Some of the scientists flee while some were killed by the explosions.

* * *

"You know, for kids." DW said as he and TD smiled.

* * *

"_So after the lab is destroyed, Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, arrives and wants to form an alliance with Mewtwo." DW said._

"Those fools thought you were a science experiment. But I…I see you as a valuable partner." Giovanni said to Mewtwo.

* * *

"Wait, how does Giovanni knows that the scientists think Mewtwo was just a science experiment when they never even say that in front of Giovanni?" TD said.

* * *

"Together, with you psychic powers and my resources, we can control the world." Giovanni added.

* * *

DW and TD scowled at the camera. "Alright, you know what's coming." DW groaned as he points his finger to the side.

**M Bison: Of Course!**

"I hate you." DW said.

**M Bison: Shut up.**

* * *

"_So Mewtwo joins Giovanni and Mewtwo helps him defeat several pokemon and helps Team Rocket capture them. But he still wonders why he is here and what is his purpose." TD said._

"To serve your master. You are created to fight for me. That is your purpose." Giovanni replied.

* * *

"Why do I have a feeling things will go bad for Giovanni after saying that?" DW said.

* * *

"_So of course, not liking his answer, Mewtwo blows up Giovanni's base and escapes. Seriously, how many buildings is he going to destroy in just eight minutes into the movie?" DW asked._

Mewtwo flies back to the island he previously destroyed and removes his helmet.

"What am I? What is my true reason for being?" Mewtwo thought to himself as the mountains in front of him turns into the ocean.

* * *

"Wait wait wait…" TD said, holding up his hands. "Why was he staring into the mountains when he's ACTUALLY staring into the ocean? And why bother showing the mountains? Can you JUST show the ocean which is what he's ACTUALLY staring at?" DW and TB both shrug.

* * *

"_Anyways, Mewtwo decided to find his own destiny and wants to..you guess it…take over the world." DW said._

**M. Bison: Of Course!**

* * *

"Shut up!" DW and TD both roll their eyes

* * *

"_After that, we FINALLY see the title screen of the movie! Took them ten minutes to show that to us!" TD said._

"_After the title screen, we finally see our three main heroes, Ash Ketchum, Misty and Brock, taking a break somewhere in a field." DW said._

"Today, Ash, Brock and Misty are taking a short break from their pokemon adventures." The narrator said.

* * *

"Thanks narrator, we REALLY can't see that." DW groaned.

* * *

"As always, Ash is determined to become a Pokemon master. And as always, he's ready to endure any hardship, bare any burden and with strength, stamina and a will of steel!" The narrator continued.

* * *

"YES! You think we don't know all this! Geez!" TD yelled.

"Also, it's time to say goodbye to the narrator as well since this will be his first and ONLY lines he will be saying in this ENTIRE film." DW said. DW and TD both smiled and waved goodbye.

"Goodbye Mr. Narrator!" TD said.

"Goodbye! Sorry you only get to say three lines in the movie!" DW smiled.

"Sorry we can't keep you in the recording studio for more than two minutes!" TD added.

"Hope you had a great time!" DW said.

* * *

"_After the narrator left the movie, we hear some of Brock's wonderful dialogue." DW said._

"This lunch is going to be just perfect for you. It's my lazy boy no chew stew." Brock said as he stirs his soup.

We cut to another scene.

"Shocking that Ash move so fast!" Brock said.

We cut to another scene.

"She's really small but really pretty." Brock said.

We cut to another scene.

"Eh, is there a rewind button?" Brock asked.

* * *

"And the winner for worst dialogue in an animated film is…" TD said before he opens up an envelope. DW pulls out a piece of paper and opens it.

"BROCK FROM POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE!" DW and TD proclaimed. They and the audience clap their hands.

After the clapping dyed down, DW and TD scowled. "Seriously Brock, your dialogue sucks." DW said.

* * *

"_So as Brock cooked lunch for his companions, we get a pointless random battle which is not even worth showing since it serves no purpose at all. After Ash won the fight, three more characters are spying on Ash and Pikachu. They are none other than Jessie, James and Meowth of Team Rocket." TD said._

"_Yeah, you remember these guys. They are always chasing Ash and his friends and tries to steal_ _Pikachu from him. But seriously, if they keep failing to capturing Pikachu, WHY CAN'T THEY JUST GIVE UP AND STEAL SOMETHING ELSE? I mean Pikachu isn't the only powerful pokemon, there are 500 other pokemon species you can steal in the Pokemon universe!" DW said._

"_So while Ash, Misty and Brock are having their lunch, their lunch got interrupted by a Dragonite. The Dragonite gives them an invitation from a mysterious lady." TD said._

"Greetings pokemon trainers, I bare an invitation." The lady said. "You have been selected to join a very special group of pokemon trainers to attend a special gathering. It will be hosted by my master, the world's greatest pokemon trainer at his palace on Mew Island. If you decide to attend, you must reply at once. My master awaits you."

"Should we go?" Misty asked.

"Of course we should! I got to meet her!" Brock yelled.

"I guess the world's no. 1 trainer wants to challenge me to a duel!" Ash smiled.

"Pika." Pikachu said as he hands Misty the invitation card.

"Well, then we better reply right away." Misty said as she takes the card.

"I'm saying yes!"

"_Wow. These 'heroes' don't seem to take the message seriously. They don't care whether it could be a trap or another trick by Team Rocket. They just decided to attend anyways." TD said._

"_Some heroes they are!" DW said. "I mean imagine if Team Faust also gets a mysterious invitation but doesn't care whether if it's a trap or not."_

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**What's this?" X said as he holds up a mysterious invitation. "A mysterious invitation to a mysterious fighting tournament organized by a mysterious person who nobody has ever heard of, being held in a mysterious island?"**_

"_**Let's go! A fighting tournament sounds fun!" Ichigo yelled.**_

"_**Yeah, it's not like the tournament is organized by some villain who wants us dead." Hiei said.**_

"_**And it's not like the island that the tournament is being held is not some deserted island owned by an evil organization." Harribel said.**_

"_**Then let's attend the tournament!" Fry said.**_

"_**Yeah, vit's not vike it's ze trap or zanything." Schrodinger said.**_

"_**Alright, Team Faust, let's go!" X yelled. He and his team immediately rushes out of the room.**_

_**End of Gag**_

"_Meanwhile, at his secret base, Mewtwo creates a hurricane with his psychic powers." DW said. "Which causes trouble at the harbor and for all the people who are invited to the island."_

"It's more than just rain. The harbor manager thinks this could be the worst storm ever." Officer Jenny said to all the passengers in the harbor terminal.

"Listen to me. The prophets have predicted the return of the winds of water. For years I have prayed that mankind would never resist this deadly storm again." The harbor manager said to everyone.

* * *

DW and TD arched their eyebrows in confusion. "Why is she talking about this all of the sudden?" TD said.

"And what she just said serves no purpose to the plot and it was…nuts…" DW shrugs.

* * *

"_But some people ignore what the nutty harbor manager said and decided to travel to Mew Island with their pokemon instead." TD said. "Ash and his friends also want to travel to Mew Island by themselves but their water pokemon are too weak to travel through the storm."_

"Ash, our pokemon aren't strong enough to handle giant waves like this." Misty said.

"Guess you're right." Ash said as his arms drooped to the side.

"Pika pika." Pikachu said.

Suddenly, a Viking boat rows over to them on the boat was Team Rocket, dressed as Vikings.

"You want to cross, maybe?" Jessie asked in a viking accent.

* * *

DW and TD slam their heads on the desk. "Seriously? You're going to make fun of racial stereotypes in this movie?" DW groaned.

* * *

"I didn't know Vikings still existed." Brock said as he, Ash and Misty rides on the boat through the strong waves.

"They mostly live in Minnesota." Ash said.

"_You know, I always wonder about the geography of the pokemon universe. I always thought the pokemon universe is a whole different universe but if Ash knows the state of Minnesota, wouldn't that mean United States ACTUALLY exists in the pokemon universe which would mean the pokemon universe IS the world we lived in?" DW said._

"_Suddenly, a huge wave crashes the boat and sends Ash, Misty and Brock drowning in the ocean. But wait a minute…" TD said._

Misty quickly releases her Staryu. Staryu then swims over to Misty and Misty hangs onto it.

Brock then also hangs onto Staryu and they see Ash and Pikachu swimming over while riding on Squirtle. Ash grabs Misty's hand and they swim through the storm while hanging onto their poekmon for their dear lives.

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait. What did Misty said before again?" DW asked.

* * *

"Ash, our pokemon aren't strong enough to handle giant waves like this." Misty said.

* * *

"But now, their water pokemon are clearly helping them swim through the giant waves!" TD said. "That makes no sense!"

* * *

"_So after they swim through the storm, they arrived at Mew Island. Ash, Misty and Brock are then greeted by the mysterious lady." TD said._

"My master awaits your arrival." The lady said.

"_The lady leads them into the palace." TD added._

A huge pair of doors open and they all entered. They entered the hall where they see three more trainers sitting at the dining table.

"There's only three of them." Ash said.

"Are we going to wait for the others?" Misty asked.

"Only the trainers capable of braving the storm have proven themselves worthy of my master's eyes." The lady said.

"Do you mean that storm was some kind of test?" Brock asked.

* * *

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious Brock. We would never know the storm was actually a test." DW said.

* * *

"Meanwhile, Team Rocket is locked outside the palace so they tried to find a way in." DW said.

"You know another way in?" Meowth asked as he and James turn to Jessie.

"Look over there." Jessie turns her head. Meowth and James also turn their heads and saw a water hole at the bottom of the island, completely unsecured.

"_You know, this is a secret palace right? So shouldn't Mewtwo have made sure his palace is completely secured, including the water holes? Even in Burst Soldier 3, the water hole that DW tries to sneak into was caged!" TD said._

"Argh! But Jessie, how are we going to swim into that thing?" Meowth asked.

"Pretend you're a catfish!" Jessie said.

* * *

DW and TD frowned. "What are we suppose to say about that?" TD asked.

* * *

"_After that scene, Mewtwo finally reveals himself to Ash, Misty, Brock and the other trainers. One trainer tries to attack Mewtwo but Mewtwo uses his 'awesome' psychic powers to attack the trainer's Gyrados. Mewtwo also no longer needs the lady and the lady collapses and turns out to be Nurse Joy who was missing from the harbor." DW said._

"_By the way, at this point, the movie has already bored our minds out." TD said._

"Nurse Joy!" Brock said, holding Joy in his arms.

"Where am I?" Joy asked as he looks around. "And how in the world did I get here?"

"You are been under my control." Mewtwo said.

* * *

"Thanks Mewtwo for pointing out the obvious! We didn't know she was under your control throughout the entire movie!" TD snarled.

* * *

"I transported you here from the Pokemon Center." Mewtwo continued.

"_Does anyone notice how boring this is right now?" DW asked, sounding bored._

"Your knowledge of pokemon psychology have proved useful for my plan. And now I have clench your tiny human brain for the past few weeks." Mewtwo said.

"_!" DW and TD yelled._

"I am the new ruler of this world. The master of humans and pokemon alike." Mewtwo proclaimed.

"You're just a bully!" Misty yelled.

"Pika!" Pikachu said in agreement.

* * *

"Yay, you told him off Misty." TD said sarcastically as he and DW raise up their arms.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, Team Rocket stumbled into a secret lab, which for some reason, seems to be reenacting the secret lab scene from Tekken: The Motion Picture." DW said. _

"Look at these." Meowth said as they look at the pokemon floating in the containers.

* * *

"Yeah, they look like monsters that battle each other." DW said as he and TD rub their chins. "I think they are called…Care Bears…"

* * *

"_Jessie accidentally activates the machine and the machine takes a sample of Meowth's DNA, creating a clone of Meowth." TD said._

"_But after that, the rest of the movie is pretty much BORING. So let's speed things up" TD said. "Mewtwo attacks the tainers' pokemon again, he challenges them to a duel which turns out to be a SHORT, BORING and UNINSPIRING fight scene, the trainers fail to defeat Mewtwo and his pokemon, Mewtwo captures all of the trainers' pokemon, and creates clones of them. But Ash managed to free Pikachu and the other pokemon and he battles Mewtwo with them."_

"You can't do this…I won't let you." Ash croaked.

* * *

DW and TD arched their eyebrows.

"Why does Ash sound like that? He sounds like he got a sore throat!" TD said.

"Yeah, or sounds like he has a frog stuck in his throat!" DW added.

* * *

"Anyways, Ash then does the next logical thing. He charges towards mewtwo and tries to attack him WITH HIS BARE FISTS! Come on Ash, are you stupid! You're just a normal human, HE'S A PSYCHIC POKEMON! DO THE MATH!" DW yelled.

Mewtwo uses his psychic powers to levitate Ash into the air. Ash yelled.

"Ash! No!" Misty yelled.

"Look out!" Brock added.

"But he got saved by Mew!" TD said.

A bubble formed and Ash lands on it.

"Yeah, Mew. He was in this entire movie the whole time. He kept cameos throughout the movie by appearing behind the main characters." TD added.

* * *

"What else does he do throughout the movie? NOTHING UNTIL NOW!" TD yelled.

"Calm down Titanic Disaster." DW said.

"No I can't! This movie still has twenty two more minutes!" TD yelled.

* * *

"Mew and Mewtwo." A male trainer said.

"So Mewtwo is the clone of Mew." The female trainer said.

* * *

"MOVIE, STOP POINTING OUT THE FUCKING OBVIOUS! WE KNOW! YOU THINK WE ARE MORONS!" DW shouted.

"Now you're the one who should clam down." TD said.

"Shut up!" DW said.

* * *

"So Mewtwo and Mew fight each other while the trainers' pokemon fight against Mewtwo's clones." DW said. "Finally, we come to the real climax of the movie but they have to ruin it with…"

Ash stood on top of the tower and watched the pokemon fight each other as a song plays.

Male Singer: _**Brother, My Brother  
Tell me what are we fighting for,**_

* * *

DW and TD slam their heads on the desk.

* * *

"_A pop song. They play a fucking pop song in a battle scene. ARE YOU FUCKING REAL?" TD said._

The song continues playing as Mew and Mewtwo fight.

Male Singer: _**Brother my brother  
Tell me what are fighting for  
Isn't life worth so much more**_

"_WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS! Did the movie got BORED of itself so they play a random pop song to lighten their mood or something?" DW asked._

* * *

"So, as the pokemon fight each other, what did the trainers learn?" TD shrugs before he and DW stare at the camera with sad frowns and puffy eyes.

"Fighting must be…bad." DW said.

* * *

Dramatic music plays as the pokemon fight each other.

* * *

DW and TD shook their heads in horror as they watch the fight.

"The horror…" DW uttered.

* * *

"This just proves that fighting is wrong." Misty said as she and the other trainers watch the fight.

* * *

"Yes Misty," DW said as he and TD nodded in agreement. "Fighting never solves our-"

* * *

"Pokemon aren't meant to fight. Not like this." Joy said sadly.

* * *

"Yes. We should care for our pokemon." TD said. "Not force them to do battles for us-"

* * *

"What can come out of it?" Joy added.

"Nothing…but pain." The female trainer said.

* * *

"Yes, we get the point." DW said as he and TD nodded. Fighting brings us nothing but pain-"

* * *

"Why can't Mewtwo understand it's not right to force pokemon to battle this way?" Brock said.

* * *

"Yes, WE KNOW." TD rolls his eyes.

"So after they-" DW got interrupted again.

* * *

"Now I can see how horrible fighting really is." James said.

"Even the best of friends will fight sometimes." Jessie added.

* * *

DW and TD are about to open their mouths but Meowth interrupts them. DW and TD slam their heads on the desk.

* * *

"Maybe if we started looking at what's the same instead of always looking at what's different, well, who knows?" Meowth said.

"Someone's gotta take a stand. Someone's gotta say no!" Ash said.

* * *

"Okay? Are you guys done? Are there any more life lessons you want to cramp into our minds?" DW asked.

* * *

Everyone went silent.

* * *

"Okay. Good. Finally." DW said as he and TD nodded.

"So after they-" But TD got interrupted.

* * *

"I rather risk my life out of Mewtwo's storm-" Joy said.

* * *

"SHUT UP!" DW and TD bellowed.

"God damn it! We know! Fighting is bad! Fighting is wrong! Stop telling us that fighting is bad! We get the point!" TD yelled.

"Besides, telling us not to fight doesn't make us less violent, it makes us even MORE VIOLENT!" DW yelled.

"Also, isn't it ironic that a franchise that has always been about fighting is SUDDENLY telling us that fighting is bad?" TD asked.

"How fucking hypocritical are these guys? That's like if The Major goes around telling everyone that is wrong to kill people!" DW said.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**My friends. It zas ofven been zaid dat I like var." The Major said to his army. "Actzually, that's a lie. I zhink var is bad. So we zhould forget about zour zattack on London and vring world peace!"**_

_**His vampire soldiers look at each other before taking out their rifles at fire at The Major.**_

"_**AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, ZE PAIN!" The Major cried in pain.**_

_**End of Gag**_

* * *

"_So during the fighting, Ash gets caught in the middle of the laser blast and turns into stone." TD said._

* * *

"HOORAY!" DW and TD cheered as they raise up their arms. "Hoo hoo hoo hoo!"

* * *

"_So the pokemon stop fighting and start crying for our fallen hero. But wait a minute…" DW said._

The pokemons' tears start floating into the air.

"_Oh no, they can't be serious. I mean I know this movie is stupid, but it can't be THAT stupid." TD said._

The tears magically float towards the stoned Ash and he turns white.

"_OH MY GOD THEY ARE! They're using their tears of sadness to bring Ash back to life. SUCK…MY…BALLS!" DW yelled._

* * *

"Are you fucking shitting me? What are you trying to tell us movie? That if you cry, people will come back from the dead?" TD said.

"Imagine if MistressOfDawn try bringing her parents back to life by crying!" DW said.

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

"_**Mom…Dad…" Tears blurred Dawn's sight as she stood over her parents' blood.**_

"_**No! Please Mom! Please Dad! Come back to life! Please!" Dawn started wailing in despair.**_

_**Ten minutes later…**_

"_**Oh well, that didn't work." Dawn said as she wipes her tears and shrugs. "Life sucks, doesn't it?"**_

_**End of Gag…**_

* * *

"_GOD! This movie is stupid! That's it, we're wrapping this up! After Ash comes back, everybody becomes happy, Mewtwo decides not to fight anymore and takes all his clones to somewhere nice and warm. Unfortunately, he takes the trainers and their pokemon back in time and erzases their memories so that they can totally forget the lesson THAT WE HAVE BEEN LEARNING THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE!" TD yelled._

* * *

"So now, they can go back to fighting all because they forget that fighting is bad. What a fucking load." DW said.

"This movie sucks ass!" TD yelled.

(We see several scenes from the movie)

"_It's lessons are bullshit, most of the characters did absolutely nothing, Mew despite being one of the main characters did nothing at all, and on top of that, MOST PARTS OF THE MOVIE ARE FUCKING BORING!" DW yelled. "This movie is as boring as Titanic Disaster's fanmakes!"_

"HEY!" TD said angrily as he turns to DW.

"Face it Titanic Disaster, your stories suck!" DW yelled as he turns to TD. "What do you have to say about that?"

"Diablo from Burst Soldier 3." TD said.

"DIABLO? WHAT THE FUCK?" DW screamed, jumping out of his seat, draws out his two-barrel shotgun and starts shooting everywhere as he continues screaming like a madman and leaves the room.

TD smiles in satisfaction before turning to the camera.

"He's the Mercenary Critic. He remembers it because he's a freaking nerd."

TD then got up and leaves the room as well.

**THE END**

DW wailed in despair as he lies on his bed with Noel sitting beside him, patting him on the shoulder.

"Wah hah hah! WHY? Why did I create Diablo in the Author Fighters universe? WHY?" DW wailed.

"Awww, don't cry DW. You think that's bad? Everyone thinks I'm a boy." Noel said.

DW stops crying and turns to Noel with a scowl. "You're not a boy?"


	13. Prom Night 2008 Version

DW: I would like to thank DarkPaladinmon, Amber Pegasus, Nukid, airnaruto45, Jean Kazuhiza, Titanic Disaster, TLSoulDude, the Shadow Syndicate and Cartoonatic55 for reviewing.

_**Chapter 13: Prom Night (2008 Version)**_

We see a figure dressed in a black Left 4 Dead 2 t-shirt, blue jeans and a blue cap sitting behind a desk, smiling. However, the figure isn't DW64. Instead, it's MistressOfDawn.

"Hello, I'm the Mercenary Critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd!" Dawn greeted. "As you all know, I love shows based on serial killers and criminals such as Harper's Island, NCIS, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and Burn Notice. However, when it comes to movies…they're not too good."

(We see movie posters of Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.)

"_In the past, we got some entertaining serial killer films but now, in the present, we got a lot of pathetic and unentertaining serial killer movies such as the recent Nightmare on Elm Street remake, the 2009 Friday the 13__th__ movie and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning."_

"But the most lamest and pathetic serial killer movie of all time has got to be the 2008 remake of Prom Night." Dawn said as she holds up a DVD copy of Prom Night.

(We see movie posters of Prom Night, Prom Night 2, Prom Night 3 and Prom Night 4)

"_First, a little history. The original Prom Night movie was released in theatres in 1980. It wasn't a critical success but it made lots of money in the box office and despite it's critical failure, the movie was nominated for two Genie Awards. The film industry felt the film garnered enough success and decided to make three sequels, which yes, each one totally suck." Dawn explained._

"And because they felt the franchise hasn't sucked enough, a determined filmmaker named Nelson McCormick decided to direct a reimagining of the first movie. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the 2008 version of Prom Night." Dawn frowned. "And boy, this movie TOTALLY SUCK-"

But suddenly, Dawn was interrupted when someone slams open the door. Dawn turns her head and widens her eyes to see DW standing at the doorway, also dressed in a blue cap, black t-shirt and blue jeans. DW is looking extremely unhappy to see Dawn sitting on his chair.

"Oh hey DW!" Dawn chuckled nervously. "How are you?"

DW didn't reply.

"Well, you see, it's just that it's been almost two months since you did the last review and I felt someone has to continue your show for ya, so I thought I could-" But Dawn got interrupted again when DW took out his two-barrel shotgun and reloads it.

"Okay, I think I gotta go now." Dawn said as she got up from the chair.

"OH NO YOU DON'T! SIT BACK DOWN!" DW yelled. Dawn jumped a bit and quickly sits back down on the chair. "You started this dumbass review so we're gonna finish it! But first, change back to your normal clothes!"

"Okay okay, I'll go!" Dawn said. She quickly got up and leaves the room to change back into her normal attire.

DW puts away his shotgun and sits down on his chair. DW sighed. "Hello everyone, sorry that I have been gone for almost two months but I'm back and ready to review horrible stuff again. Today we're reviewing…"

DW arches his eyebrow and turns his head. "What are we reviewing again?"

"The 2008 version of Prom Night." Dawn yelled.

"Aww, fuckballs!" DW yelled angrily and slams his fist on the desk.

_**Prom Night (2008 Version) Review**_

(We see several clips and scenes)

"_Yeah, the 2008 version of Prom Night is pretty much the most pathetic slasher film ever made. The scary scenes are lame, the dialogue is stupid and there's no violence whatsoever." DW said._

We see DW and Dawn sitting together. Dawn is back in her violet long-sleeve shirt; blue jean vest; flare blue jeans; black belt that slide down slightly on the right side and black tennis shoes.

"And he's not joking, folks. Believe it or not, this horror film is rated PG-13." Dawn said.

"What the hell? A PG-13 rated horror film? It's like a porno movie with no boobs!" DW said. "Alright then, let's not waste anymore time, let's dive right into…Prom Night."

* * *

"_So as the movie begins, we see the names of the actors and actresses playing in the film shown to us. First, we have Brittany Snow, which many gamers know her for being the voice of Namine in the Kingdom Hearts series. Then, we see other barely famous names such as Bandslam actor Scott Porter, Jessica Stroup from 90210, Kelly Blatz from Aaron Stone, Kellan Lutz from Twilight, Idris Elba from the upcoming Thor movie, Ming Wen from Disney's Mulan and ER and Jessalyn Gilsig from Heroes and Quest for Camelot. Wow, this movie really features a lot of wasted acting talents, don't you think?" DW said._

"_We then see a girl returning home from the movies named Donna, played by Brittany Snow." Dawn said. "She walks into her home only to find out that her entire family has been brutally murdered by her teacher named Richard Fenton. So yeah, I got to admit, the beginning was a bit thrilling but sadly after that, the movie goes downhill."_

"_We then cut to years later where Donna, now an older teenager, sees her therapist one last time before the big day of her life, the Prom Night." DW said._

"So tell me, what color's your dress?" The therapist smiled as she and Donna leave the room.

We cut to a hairdressing saloon where Donna, Lisa and Claire at sitting on their chairs having their hair groom.

"It's a champagne color with pink and gold beads in it and it's coursed in it, so…it's a little sexy." Donna smiled at Lisa and Claire.

"That's great." Lisa said.

"If you want to talk about sexy, you should see Lisa's dress with that plunging neck one. Ronnie's gonna love you in it." Claire said.

"Yeah, he's gonna love me even more out of it." Lisa said. The three girls laughed.

* * *

DW and Dawn both have smug looks on their faces.

"We don't get it." DW said.

* * *

"_As Donna takes a look at her hair, she notices a familiar figure coming back to haunt her." Dawn said._

"Looks great." Donna said as she strokes her hair while looking herself on the mirror. But suddenly, she noticed Fenton standing outside of the saloon. Donna gasped and turns around but as soon as a bus passed by, the man is gone.

"_Wow, Fenton sure disappears really fast, doesn't he? Not even a road-runner on drugs can disappear that fast!" DW said._

"_After that scene, we see Donna's new home where she's now living with her adoptive aunt and uncle. We see Donna now dressed in a beautiful white dress." DW said._

Donna walks up to the mirror cabinet in the bathroom. She opens up the cabinet and took out a pill container. After staring at it for a few moments, she places the container back in the cabinet. But when she closes the cabinet, she sees her aunt standing behind her on the mirror, making her scream and jump.

"Oh sorry." Her aunt said.

"_What the hell? Her aunt was standing behind in silence the whole time? What asshole aunt just stands behind her niece in silence and scares the hell out of her like that?" DW said._

"_So after her aunt gave Donna her late mother's scarf, Donna walks down to join her boyfriend Bobby, played by Scott Porter." Dawn said. _

Bobby looks up at Donna as she walks down the stairs.

"You look beautiful." Bobby said.

"_After putting flowers on each other and get a photo taken by Donna's uncle and aunt, they got into the limo and join their other friends, Lisa, Claire, Ronnie and Michael. After that, we get a montage of them having fun, taking pictures and other seniors preparing for the prom." DW said. "After that, we meet another main character named Detective Winn at a police office. At first, you think, wow. A black guy dresses up like John McClane from Die Hard? He must be a cool character! But no guys, trust me. After watching a few scenes of him, you wish you weren't so hype upon first seeing him."_

"_His partner Nash gave him a picture of Fenton. Winn recognizes Fenton as he was the one who interrogated him years ago. He tells Nash about Fenton as he gets ready to go to Donna's adoptive parents' house to notify them about his escape." Dawn said._

"High school teacher, he got err…crazy obsess with young female student." Winn explains to Nash as they walk through the office. "They fired him, that didn't stop it and then went into a restraining order against him and then went psycho. She got home from the movies, she didn't know he was there and she hide under a bed and had to watch him kill her mother."

"My God." Nash said in disgust.

* * *

"I'm acting." DW said, imitating Nash.

* * *

"We matched his DNA. His prints were everywhere so you know, her ID and sealed the deal. As far as we were concern, he was going to die, definitely." Winn said as he and Nash continue walking through the office. "The jury didn't think so."

* * *

"The jury didn't think so? This man killed an entire family and the jury let him live? Unless the entire jury is a group of local drunk idiots, I'm not buying it!" Dawn said.

* * *

"Hang tight kid," Winn said to Nash as they walk down the stairs. "I'm going to tell their aunt and uncle. This is gonna rock their world."

* * *

"Wait what?" DW said as he and Dawn arch their eyebrows.

* * *

"This is gonna rock their world."

* * *

"This is gonna rock their world? Why did he say that? Is he…trying to make some cheesy catchphrase or something?" DW said.

"Well sorry Winn but you failed at it. Also, WHAT KIND OF POLICEMAN TALKS LIKE THAT?" Dawn yelled.

"Look, a bank robbery! Let take those goons down by surprise. This is gonna rock their world." DW imitated. After that, DW and Dawn slap themselves in their faces.

* * *

"_Back at the prom, Donna and her friends arrive at the hotel. However, they are unaware that Fenton is in the hotel." DW said._

Fenton turns his head, noticing Donna and her friends at the hotel.

"_Okay, let's take a look at Fenton. Never mind that he shaved his moustache and head, but take a look at his clothing. A brown leather jacket…and a baseball cap. Seriously? A baseball cap? Is that the best the costume designers can give him? What makes you guys think a baseball cap will make him look threatening?" Dawn said._

Fenton sees Donna and Bobby kissing each other with a straight face.

"_Yeah, you can tell I'm angry and jealous with that straight face of mine." DW imitated._

Donna and her friends then walk up to their teacher, Ms. Waters.

"Donna Keppel, you look incredible!" Ms. Waters praised. Donna smiled. "And Claire, you too." She said as she turns to Claire. She then turns to Lisa. "And Lisa, wow! That dress, it's so-"

"Inappropriate?" A voice interrupted. Everyone turned to see Crissy and her friends standing on the stairs.

"_Ah yes, what's a movie about teenagers complete without a resident bitch? Her name is Crissy and she's Lisa's arch-rival." DW said._

"Crissy." Lisa said with a fake smile. "Wow, your dress…it's…so simple. It's so you."

"Girls…" Ms Waters said.

Donna and her friends walk up to Crissy and Donna said, "Crissy, come on. This is prom. Hey, let's just all be nice and just forget about the past."

Crissy walks down and said to Lisa, "As fellow Prom Queen nominee, I wanna wish you luck tonight. You're gonna need all you can get."

As Crissy and her friends turn away, Lisa said, "Well you think you can get it all wrapped up, do you?"

Crissy turns around and said, "Well there's certainly not propped up and pretty like yours are. That's for sure." She smirked and her friends giggled before walking away.

* * *

"My God." DW said as he and Dawn drop their jaws and shake their heads in disgust. "She's Sharpay Evans' missing twin sister…Bitchy."

* * *

"_So Donna and her friends go into the hall and have their prom. After dancing for a while, Ronnie goes to the receptionist to get keys for their room at the third floor. Fenton, being the stalker he is, also books a room at the third floor." Dawn said. "After getting their keys, Donna, Lisa and Claire go up to their room by taking the lift, all unaware that Fenton is in the lift."_

As Donna, Lisa and Claire stand in the lift with five other people, one of the men said, "Aw man…"

"So um," Another man coughed. "Which one of you beautiful women is my date tonight?"

Donna, Lisa and Claire laughed.

"So, we're gonna take this party upstairs, room 604." The third man said.

"Yeah, we'll um…we'll be right up." Lisa said.

"Lisa!" Donna laughed. When they reached the third floor, Donna, Lisa and Claire got out of the lift and walk away laughing.

Fenton then gently pushes the man aside, walking out of the lift. "Whoa whoa, excuse me." The man said. Fenton ignored him and walks away, following the girls. The man turns to the other men, "What's his problem?"

"_So what was the point of that conversation? I don't know. This is the only scene where we see those three men and we'll never see them again so that was really no point of that!" DW said._

"_After Donna and her friends enter their room, Fenton sees a hotel employee walking down the hallway. He scratches his key and tricks the employee to opening up his room for him with her master key. After the employee enters his room, Fenton kills her and steals her master key." Dawn said. _

"_Meanwhile, Winn arrives at Donna's home. Winn talks with Donna's uncle outside of the house." DW said._

As Donna's uncle walks out of the house, Donna's aunt hears their conservation from the kitchen.

"Jack, it's about Fenton. He's escaped from jail." Winn said to Donna's uncle. "Three days ago, he's at large."

"Well how could it take so long for us to be notify?" Donna's uncle asked angrily. This causes Donna's aunt to drop her plate to the floor in shock.

"_Wow. Does Donna's aunt have superhearing abilities or something? I mean, she's standing in the kitchen, probably many feet away from outside of the house and she can still hear their conversation?" Dawn said._

"_So Winn tells Donna's uncle that he's going to have a couple of police guarding his home while he goes to the hotel and find Donna." DW said._

"_Meanwhile, Donna and her friends are back at the hall dancing. That's right, we saw Donna, Lisa and Claire going into their hotel room TWO minutes ago and they are back at the hall again. While they are dancing, Claire and Michael got into an argument." Dawn said._

"Don't let a stupid argument ruin your prom night." Donna said to Claire. "Okay? And I got Mydolmakers. I'll go get it for you."

* * *

"That's right people. The only way to cure your anger is by drugs. Forget counseling or strong advice from your friends and family, drugs is the only thing that can solve all of your emotional problems." Dawn said as she and DW smiled.

* * *

"_So yeah, Donna goes up to her room AGAIN to get the Mydolmakers for Claire." DW said._

"Ah-ah." Bobby said as he holds up Donna's key. Bobby then plants a kiss on Donna's lips. Fenton, who is standing outside of the hall, watches this with a straight face.

"_Yeah, I'm angry alright. You can tell by looking at my face." DW imitated._

"So Donna walks up to the lift, unaware that Fenton is behind her." Dawn said.

Fenton walks up to Donna. When he's near her, Donna turns her head and sees that nobody is behind her. That's because Fenton is hiding behind the staircase door.

"_WOW. Fenton must be Usain Bolt on drugs. Within milliseconds, he can go from behind Donna to behind the staircase door." DW said._

"_Also, why did you go hiding when you're RIGHT BEHIND your target? You could have caught her by now!" Dawn said._

* * *

"Ugh!"Dawn rubs her forehead angrily. "MORON!"

* * *

"_So Donna now enters her room. Alright people, let's take a look at how this movie tries to scare us." DW said._

Donna turns on the lights and walks into the living room. "Hello? Is anybody here?" Donna asked.

"_Is anybody here? You know that all of your friends are at the hall dancing the night off and you came up to your room all by yourself and you still ask that question? DW said._

Donna turns her head and sees the bedroom, with the lights off.

"_Oh yeah, a dark room. That's scary." Dawn said._

After getting the pills, Donna closes her cupboard and walks away. But she stops again and asked, "Bobby? It's that you?" As she walks away, Fenton appears from the dark and watches her walk away.

"_Oooooh, I'm so scared by the presence of Fenton standing there." Dawn said in fake fear. "Seriously, with the baseball cap, how can I be scared?"_

Donna walks up to the door and opens it, revealing Claire. Both Donna and Claire screamed.

"Oh sorry. You scared the hell out of me." Donna said as Claire comes into the room.

"_Wow. She's scared when she sees her friend at the doorway?" DW said. "Does she scream every time she sees someone at the door?"_

"_Well guys, all attempts to scare us at this scene completely fail." Dawn said._

"_So Donna gives Claire the pills and leaves the room. After taking the pills, Claire walks out of the bathroom but Fenton was there. Fenton grabs Claire, takes her to the other room and kills her." DW said._

Claire screams as Fenton pins her on the floor and stabs her repeatedly on the side of her stomach.

"_You know I wonder, why stab your victims in the stomach? Why not the throat or the heart? If you kill them in the throat or the heart they will die instantly, so why the stomach?" DW said._

Claire's head and arms then slump to the ground and dies.

"After that scene, we see Detective Winn arrived at the hotel and calls Nash for backup." Dawn said.

"I want you to get Hicks, Striker, Hansen and Grant, get them in plain calls, get them over here ASAP." DW said.

"What something wrong?" Nash asked.

"No no no, that's exactly how I'm gonna keep it. If there's some chance this bastard comes here, we're gonna be ready for him." Winn said.

"You got it." Nash said.

* * *

**RIIIINNNGGGG**

Dawn turns her head and sees DW taking out a pocket watch.

"Oh Dawn, look at the time." DW said.

"What time is it?" Dawn asked.

"It's time to play…**Are You A Dumbass**?" DW said. The audience cheered and applauded as DW and Dawn smiled at the camera and clap their hands.

_**ARE YOU A DUMBASS?**_

* * *

"_Okay, let's take a look back at this scene. Here's the question: __**You're at the hotel and a serial killer is at large and is going after a teenage girl who happens to have a prom at the hotel. What do you do?**__" DW asked. _

"_**Do you…A. Walk up to the girl, tell her her life is in danger and get her out of the hotel and put her under police protection."**_

"_**Or B. Just stand outside and watch her."**_

Winn stands at the door way of the room and watches Donna and Bobby chat.

* * *

"If you choose **B**, congratulations! You're as dumb as Detective Winn." DW smiled. The audience applauded and cheered as DW and Dawn clap their hands. "Join us again later for Are You A Dumbass!"

* * *

_"So yeah, despite Fenton at large, Winn decided to just watch Donna instead of telling her and get her out of the hotel. But enough of that, Donna tells Michael about how much he pissed Claire off and Michael decides to go up and apologize to her, unaware that Claire is dead and Fenton is inside the room" DW said._

* * *

"Which brings us to another…" Dawn said.

"Are You A Dumbass question!" DW and Dawn said in unison. The audience cheered as DW and Dawn clap their hands.

* * *

We see Michael entering the room.

"_Let's take a look at this scene. __**You think your girlfriend is in the room but the lights are off and the room is dead silent. What do you do?**__" _DW asked.

"_**Do you…A. Leave the room, thinking your girlfriend is not in the room or something suspicious is going on."**_

"_**Or B. Just stay inside the room."**_

"Fine." Michael walks away from the bathroom door. "I'm just gonna sit out here. And just gonna wait for you to come out. I don't care how long it takes." Michael sits down on a couch. "I got all damn night."

* * *

"If you choose **B**, congratulations! You're as dumb as Michael." DW and Dawn said in unison. The audience cheered and DW and Dawn clap their hands.

* * *

"_So of course, because he decided to be a dumbass and stay in the room, he gets killed by Fenton. And again, Fenton kills him by stabbing him in the stomach. Seriously? Besides, if you stab him in the stomach, it's not that violent at all." DW said._

"_Also, thanks to Winn's stupidity, he already caused the death of one of Donna's friends. Why? Because he just wants to stay outside of the prom and watch her." Dawn said._

"_Speaking about the prom, Crissy's boyfriend Rick, played by Twilight actor Kellan Lutz, decides to go upstairs but Crissy stops him." DW said._

"They're gonna announce king and queen." Crissy said to Rick.

"Dj's taking a break and he's gonna come back, playing a couple of songs so…" Rick said.

"You don't care about this at all, do you?" Crissy asked.

"_Wow, this girl is really serious about winning the prom, is she? The arrogance meter of this girl is going rocket high!" Dawn said._

"What's to care about?"

"What if Ronnie wins king instead of you?"

"What if he does?"

"He's her boyfriend. I have to be crowned with her boyfriend?"

* * *

DW and Dawn look down and a meter with Crissy's head appears. From left to right, the meter shows heads of Kaname Kuran (From Vampire Knight), Yui (From H2O: footprints in the Sand), Sissy Delmas (From Code Lyoko), Seifer Almasy, Laxus (From Fairy Tail) and Sharpay Evans. The head keeps moving towards of the meter.

"Ah-huh, we past Sissy Delmas from Code Lyoko, Seifer Almasy from Final fantasy 8 and Kingdom Hearts 2…" DW said.

* * *

"Maybe you won't even win." Rick said, shaking his head. Crissy and her friends drop their jaws in shock.

* * *

Crissy's head stops at the top of between Laxus and Sharpay and the meter rang.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Crissy is as arrogant as Laxus and Sharpay Evans! That's quite an accomplishment movie! That's quite an accomplishment!" DW said. "Oh God, how much longer is this movie?"

* * *

"_Alright, so after two conversations between Donna and her friends, Fenton kills another hotel employee and yes, dumbass Winn still decides to stay outside and watch her, Ronnie and Lisa decided to go upstairs together and have sex." DW said._

* * *

"So having sex is more important than being in a dance party of a lifetime with all of your high school friends, bright lights and catchy music?" Dawn said. DW and Dawn both arch their eyebrows and shrug.

* * *

"_While the lift opens, Fenton passes by Lisa and Lisa thinks she recognizes her. So of course, Fenton's next target is Lisa." Dawn said._

"_Meanwhile, Winn and Nash FINALLY go outside as the police discover Fenton's car, which actually belongs to a missing person. They both open the back of the car, revealing the body of the missing person. Err yeah, which brings out another question. WHY DID FENTON KEEP THE BODY OF THE MISSING PERSON HE KILLED IN THE CAR? He doesn't care that if anybody finds the stolen car, they know it's stolen because there's a dead body in it? Also, what if the corpse rots and smells?" DW said._

"_While both Ronnie and Lisa have sex, Lisa finally remembers the man was Fenton and decides to go out and inform Donna about his presence." Dawn said._

* * *

"Oh, it's time for another…" DW said.

"Are You A Dumbass question!" DW and Dawn said in unison. DW and Dawn smile and clap their hands as the audience cheered and applauded.

* * *

"_Here's the question folks." Dawn said. __**"If you found out that a killer is in the hotel and is going after your friend, but unfortunately, the killer saw you and plans to kill you before you can get to your friend, what do you do?"**_

"_**Do you…A. Stay inside a safe place, like your room, take a phone and call your friend and the police about it."**_

"_**B. Get someone like your boyfriend or an adult you can trust to accompany you down so that you can tell your friend, which will lower the risk of getting caught by the killer and let him kill you."**_

"_**Or C. Just run out of the room alone to go inform your friend, which will increase the risk of you getting found by the killer and kill you."**_

Lisa's eyes open and got up from the bed. "Jesus Christ!" She cried. "Of course! It's him! It's him! No, I got to get to Donna, I got to get to Donna!"

Ronnie watches her as she leaves the room all by herself.

* * *

"If you choose **C**, congratulations! You're as dumb as Lisa!" DW and Dawn both said in unison. The audience cheered and applauded as DW and Dawn smile and clap their hands.

* * *

"_So Lisa tries to take the stairs to reach Donna downstairs but she fell over. Fenton found her, leads her to a dark room and we have a not very suspenseful chase scene." DW said._

Donna trips over a pile of garbage pails. Fenton, who is many feet away from her, turns his head and spotted her.

Donna quickly runs away with Fenton slowly walking towards her. Suddenly, Fenton appears out of nowhere behind Donna, wraps his arm around her neck and slits her throat.

"_Okay, seriously, Fenton REALLY does have fast speed. How was he able to go from probably a hundred feet away from Donna to suddenly appearing behind Donna within seconds? Not even a road runner on steroids can beat this guy!" DW said._

"_Meanwhile, idiot Winn FINALLY found out that Fenton IS in the hotel after discovering the dead body of a hotel employee in his room. Fenton tells Nash to evacuate everyone out of the hotel and send in the special forces, WHICH IS SOMETHING HE SHOULD HAVE DONE WHEN HE FIRST ARRIVE AT THE HOTEL!" Dawn said._

Fenton breaks open the alarm and pulls down the trigger, turning off the lights in the hall off. Everyone present in the hall look around questioningly as an electronic voice said, _"Alert. Please exit the building. This is an emergency."_

* * *

"Hi Megazord from Power Rangers," DW said as he and Dawn wave their hands. "What's your voice doing in this movie?"

* * *

_"So as Donna comes back down, she sees everybody evacuating the building." DW said._

* * *

"Oh," DW said. "It's time for another…"

"Are You A Dumbass question!" DW and Dawn said in unison.

* * *

"_Here's the question everybody, __**you are in a building but suddenly, the police comes in and tells everybody including you to evacuate the building. But you realized you left your scarf in your room. What do you do?**__" Dawn said._

"_**Do you…A. Forget the damn scarf, knowing your life is more important, listen to the police's instructions and get out of the building before things get worse."**_

"_**Or B. Just go up and get your scarf."**_

"Argh, I forgot my mom's scarf. I'm going upstairs. If you see Bobby, can you tell him to wait for me outside?" Donna asked Rick.

"Sure." Rick said.

* * *

"If you choose **B**, congratulations! You're as dumb as Donna!" DW and Dawn said in unison. DW and Dawn smile and clap their hands as the audience cheered and applauded.

* * *

"So yeah, Donna decided to be stupid and go back to her room to get her mother's damn scarf." DW said. "But guess who's there waiting for her?"

Donna gasped as Fenton closes the door and walk towards her.

"I've miss you." Fenton said coldly.

"_Congratulations Donna, your stupidity led you to this fate." DW said._

"So Donna escapes by going into the other room and locks Fenton outside." Dawn said. "But fenton doesn't gives up easily so he takes a fire extinguisher and smashes open the door."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Donna screamed before she unlocks the door to the next room and runs into the next room.

After Fenton finishes smashing open the door, he comes inside and takes out his flip knife. He walks through the room, unaware that Donna is hiding under the bed.

* * *

"Did you guys saw that?" Dawn said as she and DW drop their jaws, their eyes wide. "We CLEARLY saw Donna run into the next room, but when Fenton breaks into the room, Donna is BACK in the same room and now hiding under the bed. Does she have teleportation abilities or something?"

"Yeah! Not even Dawn's werewolf form has fast speed than she does!" DW said. Dawn arches her eyebrow and turns to DW. DW turns to Dawn. "What?"

* * *

"_So Donna sees Claire's dead body, manages to escape from Fenton and gets found by Winn. Winn gets into the room and tries to find Fenton, and without any explanation at all, he somehow disappears." DW said._

"_Donna reunites with Bobby and Nash takes them back to Donna's home." Dawn said._

* * *

Dawn and DW both smiled at the camera for a few seconds. Suddenly, they both stood up and yelled angrily.

"**WHHHHYYYY?"**

* * *

"_Are you guys fucking idiots? Why are you taking her back home? You could have used her to lure Fenton out of the hotel. But no, you just want to bring her back home immediately! Also, wouldn't it be better if she is protected by an army of Special Forces troopers then being protected by just TWO police officers at home?" DW said. "The police in this movie are fucking morons!"_

"_So after Bobby decided to stay with Donna for the night, the police have completely surrounded and storm into the building but they couldn't find Fenton anywhere. But just before they are about to rest, Winn found the body of another hotel employee in the shaft. Winn realizes the employee isn't wearing his uniform and suddenly realizes that one of the employees who evacuate the building is actually Fenton in disguise." Dawn said._

* * *

"Ugh…" DW groaned as he rubs his forehead. "So let me get this straight. This killer can escape from jail, secretly kill 2 employees and 3 teenagers and can escape from the police after dressing up as an employee? AND THIS KILLER IS A SCHOOL TEACHER? He should have been working alongside Solid Snake!"

* * *

"_So Winn quickly rushes back to Donna's house and Donna goes to sleep after taking her pills." DW said._

Winn arrives at Donna's house. He got out of the car and walks over to Nash's car. "Nash! I told you to get up in there and call me!" He scolded. But he realizes Nash is sitting still in his car. "Nash?"

He nudges him by the shoulder but Nash's head slumped to the side, revealing his throat slit. Winn sighs.

"_Yes folks, without ANY EXPLANATION AT ALL, Fenton now also know where Donna is and is now in her home." DW said._

"_Donna thanks Bobby for staying with her." Dawn said._

"Thank you for staying." Donna said to Bobby. However, she didn't get a response. "Hey…" She nudges him by the shoulder. "Hey…"

However, Bobby turns his head to the side, revealing his throat has been slit. Donna gasped in horror and got up.

"_Wow…" DW laughed. "Bobby is lying dead still and he can still turn his head 2180 degreees when Donna nudges him?"_

"_Seeing a silhouette outside of her room, Donna thinks it's Fenton and quickly hides in the closet." Dawn said. "Which brings up another question. If Bobby was killed in your room, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THE KILLER IS OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM?"_

"Donna?" Winn asked, walking into the room quietly.

Donna sighed in relief but Fenton appears from behind her and covers her mouth. Donna tries to scream but her voice is muffled by Fenton's hand.

"_My God! This girl really is dumber than I thought!" DW yelled._

"Be quiet…or they'll find us." Fenton whispered.

"_Alright, let's just end this movie already. Donna bites Fenton's hand and escapes and Winn shoots Fenton several times, killing him." DW said._

Donna squealed as she rolls to the side and Fenton falls to the floor dead.

* * *

"And again, this killer can escape from jail, kill 2 hotel employees, four teenagers, two policemen and can escape from the police, but he can't even catch a single teenage girl." Dawn said. DW and Dawn shake their heads. "Yeah...right..."

* * *

"_So Donna mourns over Bobby, Winn comforts her and tells her it's all over and the movie finally ends." Dawn said._

* * *

"And there you go. That was the 2008 reimagining of Prom Night, the most pathetic, lamest and stupid horror remake ever made." DW said as he and Dawn shake their heads.

We see several clips and scenes from the movie.

"_The scenes are nowhere near scary, the characters are dumbasses and make stupid decisions, the deaths are lame, the killer is not scary and…seriously? A baseball cap? Are you kidding me?" DW said._

"So consider this lame horror remake another…" Dawn said.

**FAILURE**

"I'm the Mercenary Critic." DW said.

"And I'm MistressOfDawn." Dawn said.

"I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd."

"And I…werewolves rule." They both got up from their seats and leave the room.

**END OF CHAPTER**


	14. Art of Fighting

_**Mercenary Critic**_

_**Chapter 14: Art of Fighting**_

On a building rooftop, Tsuna Sawada and Alicia Ribery strum their electric guitars and the theme song starts to play.

As the theme song starts to kick into high gear, Haruhi Fujioka starts beating the drums. DW64 AKA the Mercenary Critic grabs the microphone in front of him and sings.

_**hitogomi ni magireteru  
kimi no koe wa kikoeteru'n da**_

A huge blimp flies by and on the huge television screen, we see various clips and scenes from previous Mercenary Critic blimp flies away and we cut back to the rooftop and everybody start banging their heads as DW sings the chorus.

_**kousaten no mannaka mirai no chizu sagashiteru'n da**_  
_**kanawanai yume wa nai shinjita sora no mukou**_

_**EASY GO de ikouze egaita mirai he  
dare mo shiranai kimi dake no yume  
dakishimete**_

A television set falls down from the sky and lands on the ground and we see more clips and scenes from previous reviews on the screen.

_**asu he mukatte jibun no PACE de**_  
_**I WANNA GO AND FIND MYSELF**_  
_**ichido dake no CHANCE**_

The TV goes static and we cut back to DW and his band, now calming down as the song goes slower.

_**hitogomi ni magireteru  
kimi no koe wa kikoeteru'n da**_

As the song ends, the camera turns to a huge billboard that says:

_**THE MERCENARY CRITIC**_

* * *

"Hello, I'm the Mercenary Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW said. "And welcome to a brand new season of the show."

(People stand up from their seats and applauded as the words 'SECOND SEASON' appear on the screen.)

"Thank you, thank you very much. And what better way to start this new season by reviewing…one of the worst…most horrible…most terrifying anime movies of all time." DW said. "Ladies and gentlemen…this…is Art of Fighting…"

"An adobe flash movie I made in school. I'm surprised to be reviewing this actually. The movie was my first movie project ever and at first, I feel kinda proud of it. But, after looking back at it, it was stupid. But hey, you can't blame it for being stupid since this WAS my very first movie I made myself."

"So, let's dive right into-"

**BOOM!**

"What the heck?" DW turns his head and sees a blonde-haired girl coming through a huge hole on the wall and coughed as she waves the smoke away from her.

"Darren Watson! This isn't the movie your readers want you to review!" The girl yelled.

"Alicia Ribery? What are you doing here?" DW asked.

"I'm here to show you a movie FAR WORSER than your flash movie. Now come with me!" Alicia walks over and grabs DW by his hand.

"What? Where are we going?" DW asked.

"Your new room!"

"I have a new room?"

"Yes, now shut up!"

* * *

_**Later…**_

DW and Alicia enter the new room and DW looks around. There was a black leather couch and the walls are yellow and on the walls were several anime posters.

"Wow, I'm impressed Alicia." DW said.

"Yup, Now sit down." Alicia pushes DW down and DW lands on the couch. DW turns to the screen and smiled.

"Well then, let's dive right into…Art of Fighting."

_**Art of Fighting Review**_

We see various clips and scenes from the Art of fighting video game.

"_First, a little history. Art of Fighting is a game created by SNK. The main characters of the game are two guys named Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia and the plot of the first game is about Ryo and Robert going on a journey to rescue Ryo's sister Yuri from a criminal mastermind named Mr. Karate. And because SNK are money greedy bastards, they decided to cash in on the franchise with an hour long animated movie. So now let's check out the movie itself."_

We see the first scene of the movie, a city by the ocean.

"_So our movie begins with a city by the beautiful ocean with nice jazz music playing."_

We see the back of a cat walking on the building railing.

"_Oh great! This movie starts off with a cat's ass! Seriously! That's the first thing we see in this movie people!"_

A man with black spiky hair and wears a black jacket and orange robes follows the cat from behind.

"Alright, come to papa. That's it." The man said as the cat stops and scratches itself.

Suddenly below the building, a car pulls over and in the car was a man with long brown hair tied to a ponytail and dressed in a white suit and white pants.

"Hey, what's going on?" The man asked the other man.

* * *

DW laughed loudly at their voices.

"Okay seriously guys, where's Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia, huh? C'mon, show us the main characters already."

* * *

"You're taking the cat out for a little walk?" The white suit dressed man added.

* * *

DW laughed loudly. "Their voices…are horrible! Come on guys, where are our main characters? HAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

"Shut up Garcia! I'm getting paid a lot of money to take care of this feline princess!" The man answered.

* * *

DW's huge grin slowly distorts to a huge ugly scowl.

"Nooooooo…seriously. Let me guess…those two guys are Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia?"

The words **'RYO SAKAZAKI'** appeared in front of the man dressed in a black jacket and orange robes.

After that, the words** 'ROBERT GARCIA' **appeared in front of the man dressed in a white suit and white pants.

"Oh God no." DW sobbed as he covers his face with his hands. He then shook his head and takes a deep breath. "Alright, pull yourself together Darren. You can do this."

* * *

"_So yeah, those two guys are our main characters Ryo and Robert. Yeah, look ABSOLUTELY nothing like their video game counterparts, don't they? And on top of that, their freaking voices are HORRIBLE! The only way I can describe their voices is imagine Ichigo Kurosaki and Kamina having sore throats and then their distorted voices are mixed in a blender!"_

"I guess you would do just about anything to get money, don't you? What's wrong Ryo, not too busy with the karate DOJO?" Robert laughed loudly. "DOJO! HAHAHA!"

* * *

DW scowled.

"I'm not kidding people. That is their best joke in the entire movie."

_**KERSSHHHHH….**_

Suddenly, Jean Kazuhiza appears onscreen.

"Don't do it DW!" Jean cried.

"Jean Kazuhiza?" DW asked.

"Don't sit through the Art of Fighting, DW! Don't risk your sanity watching it!" Jean warned.

"Dammit Jean Kazuhiza! I don't care if I had to sit through this anus of a movie. I must do it for my readers!" DW yelled.

"DW…" Jean sobbed.

"LEAVE!"

Jean broke down crying and leaves his room.

* * *

"_Alright, so Ryo's job is to catch this cat so that he can get the money to pay for his rents to keep his dojo alive. He stands up and then falls off from probably the most unstable railing ever!"_

Ryo stands up and the railing cracks. Ryo quickly gets back his balance by grabbing a metal pole but the pole falls off as well. Robert watches as Ryo falls off the building.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhh….." Ryo yelled in a monotone voice.

* * *

"Oh yeah, he really does sound horrified while falling." DW said.

* * *

"_After Robert helps Ryo land on the ground safely by kicking their feet together…okay…Robert decided to help Ryo catch the cat. But the cat escapes and jumps into the room."_

Robert chuckled. "Hey, there's a hot chick in there changing clothes."

We cut to the room and see…nothing.

"Just kidding."

* * *

"Oh, thank you Robert for telling us that." DW said. "POINTLESS!"

* * *

"_So Ryo and Robert break into the room and continue searching for the cat. But Robert is quite the jokester as he flips through magazines of muscular women and takes the room owner's scotch and takes a drink."_

* * *

"Robert is such a likeable character." DW shook his head.

* * *

"_So Robert takes some ice cubes from the fridge and about to take a drink. But he accidentally steps on the cat's tail and the cat jumps up and Robert drops his cup of scotch out of the window. He then sees a woman standing below the building."_

"Well er…hello there er…how are you? And what is your name, little lady? Would you like to take a little drive down to beach?" Robert asked.

The woman gets into her car and drives away.

"Now that's what I call a nice body."

* * *

"One of our protagonists everybody. He's so likeable isn't he?" DW said.

* * *

"_Suddenly, the owner breaks into his house and he's being followed by some thugs. He tries to fight back."_

The man throws a chair at them and the chair breaks. He then throws his table at one of the thugs. He then grabs a bar and swings wildly.

"_Wow, it looks like he's swinging at nothing. Maybe because he is. So, he gets shot to death and the thugs mistaken Ryo and Robert as the man's workers."_

"Give us back the gem now!" One of the thugs yelled.

_"So Ryo and Robert fight off the thugs, Ryo grabs the cat and they both escape. The thugs return back to their boss, Mr. Big to tell them the bad news."_

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait." DW said, waving his hands. "So Mr. Big is the main antagonist of this movie? Where the hell is Mr. Karate? In the first Art of Fighting game, Mr. Big is just a henchman of Mr. Karate and now he's the main villain of this movie? That's like if the main villain of The Dark Knight is Harley Quinn instead of The Joker."

* * *

"So, you don't have the gem yet?" Mr. Big asked, cleaning his rings.

"Er…um…no sir, we tore his apartment inside out but um…" The thug leader scratches the back of his head.

"_So Mr. Big assumes Ryo and Robert took the gem he was looking for and he asks King, the woman Robert saw earlier to do some research on them. By the way guys, fun fact. This movie piss fans off because in this movie King is portrayed as a villain. But actually, in the game, King was good guy and just got caught up in this mess."_

"One of them is Robert Garcia, heir to the Garcia foundation." King said as a picture of Robert and his information appears on the screen.

* * *

DW drops his jaw.

"Wow. All she does was look at his face, and she can already find information about him on the Internet. Maybe next time, if I see an unknown stranger, I can just go to Google and voila! I get information about him!"

* * *

"_By the way, do you know that the computer also can tell them the personality of the person? How the hell kind of computer also knows the personality of the person?"_

* * *

"Gee, this guy wears a white suit and has long brown hair. Obviously he's a witty and stylish guy!" DW said. "Better put his personality info on Google."

* * *

"_Also, how the hell is King able to get information of these guys when she only met Robert for like a few seconds? She even managed to get information of Ryo Sakazaki and also finds out where his dojo is, even though she NEVER met him at all. She then also collects information of Ryo's sister Yuri, again, another person she NEVER met at all!"_

* * *

"So, if you never met this person before and have no info about him, you can still find out who his siblings are by looking through the computer. Wow, who would have thought computers in the 90s are SO POWERFUL!" DW yelled.

* * *

"_So King decided to kidnap Yuri at her school." DW said._

"Bye bye, see you tomorrow." Yuri said, waving goodbye to another person.

"goodbye." The person said and they both walk away.

As Yuri walks down the pavement, King follows her from behind. Suddenly, we cut to the next scene with Ryo and Robert driving back to Ryo's dojo.

* * *

"That's right, you don't even get to see her capture Yuri. It's off-screen." DW said. "LAME!"

* * *

"_So, Ryo and Robert return to Ryo's dojo and WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!" DW yelled. "What is with the sign of the dojo? It has a freaking rainbow on it?"_

* * *

"Seriously…" DW panted. "A rainbow. A freaking rainbow…on a karate dojo sign? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!"

(A picture of a cute rabbit dressed in sunglasses and a black suit appears in front of the Xe Services logo appears onscreen)

"THAT'S LIKE IF XE SERVICES HAVE A CUTE BUNNY RABBIT AS THEIR FREAKING MASCOT!"

"ARGH! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!" DW screamed as his mouth starts foaming and starts jumping on the couch like a lunatic. Two men in white coats quickly enter the room and grab hold of DW.

**(One hour later…)**

"Hey guys, sorry about that." DW said, calming down. "It's just that they have…A FREAKING RAINBOW ON A KARATE DOJO SIGN! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!" The men in white coats come in again and grab DW by his arms.

**(Two hours later…)**

"Sorry it's just….A RAINBOW ON A DOJO SIGN! I'LL KILL THE ANIMATORS OF THIS MOVIE!" DW screamed. The men in white coats come in again for the third time and grab hold of DW.

**(Five hours later…)**

"Okay, I think I already made my point. So…" DW breathed in. "Let's continue."

* * *

"_So Ryo and Robert relax at the dojo and Robert turns on the TV. Apparently, there's a news report about the gem that Mr. Big is looking for." DW said._

"In spite of all the efforts by the police department, the location of the stolen diamond is not been determined yet." The news reporter said.

* * *

"The police everybody. Even they can't find a single diamond in a small apartment." DW said.

* * *

"And now, let's go live to police headquarters for a statement from Lieutenant Todoh." The news reporter said. The TV cuts to a man dressed in a grey coat and grey hat talking to several reporters.

"At this point at our investigation, we don't have any leads, but I, Todoh, promise to find it…give me that!" Todoh snatches a microphone from a reporter and yells to the camera. "IN THREE DAYS! You hear that you filthy crooks, IN ONLY THREE DAYS!"

* * *

"Haha. This guy kinda reminds me of Ragna the Bloodedge having a bad day." DW chuckled.

Suddenly, the room turns red and black and DW panicked. "OKAY OKAY RAGGY! I WAS KIDDING!"

The room turns back to normal and DW sighed in relief. "Alright, no more Ragna jokes from here."

* * *

"_So after that, Mr. Big's thugs break into the dojo." DW said._

"It's no use hiding! Give us back the gem or we'll kill you!" the leader yelled.

"_But it turns out Ryo and Robert were hiding…above the fan?"_

The fan breaks and Ryo and Robert yell as they fall to the ground.

* * *

DW shook his head and shrugs. "That was a stupid hiding place."

_**KERSSSHHH….**_

"Don't do it, DW! There's still time!" Nukid yelled.

"Nukid, what are you doing here?" DW asked.

"You don't want to sit through the Art of Fighting. It gives you internal brain bleeding!" Nukid yelled.

"Shut up Nukid! I will review this movie no matter what! I must do it for my readers!"

"You're mad DW! MAD!"

"What about you Nukid? You once spent six days watching The Room over and over again!"

Nukid blinked. "Oh yeah…whatever."

"Just go."

"Fine." Nukid shrugged and he got up from his chair and leaves the room.

* * *

"_So like every stupid group of villains in every freaking movie ever made, the thugs just point their guns at our heroes and Robert runs over to them and kicks their guns away. Not a single freaking bullet was shot."_

The thug leader threw several punches at Ryo, who just stands still and block.

* * *

"Oh God." DW groaned as he rubs his forehead. "The animation in that scene was horrendous!"

* * *

"Not bad, but you won't do that to me, my friend!" The leader smirked.

* * *

"What? You mean block you?" DW said.

* * *

"I am Bear Killer Jack…NOW YOU DIE!"

_**Cutaway gag…**_

"_**WELCOME TO DIE!" Magneto yelled.**_

_**End of Gag…**_

"_So after one horrible fight scene, Ryo and Robert managed to defeat Bear Killer Jack and the thugs but the police arrived. So Todoh takes them back to the police station because…they are responsible for being in the scene I guess."_

"ENOUGH! STOP STINKING MY CHAINS WISE GUY! Jack's men attacked you for no reason?" Todoh yelled at Ryo and Robert.

"Jack, eh?" Robert asked. "Oh, you mean…Bear Killer Jack?"

"Jack Tanner, one of Mr. Big's men." Todoh explained.

"Mister…" Ryo said.

"Er big?" Robert said.

"He's one of the players in the underground world of South Town." Todoh said as he looks outside of his window.

"They got us confused with someone else." Ryo said as he stands up. "Robert and I didn't do anything."

"It is my belief that Mr. Big is the one who stole the Sirius Stone and my department has been investigating him for months." Todoh said.

* * *

"It's been months and we still can't find a single freaking diamond!" DW yelled.

* * *

"_So since Ryo and Robert aren't able to provide any information, Lieutenant Todoh lets them go, but not after some funny lines." DW said._

"Too much stress just isn't good for you!" Robert smiled.

"Just remember, I will find get the Eye of Sirius back!" Todoh yelled.

"_Err…don't you mean Serious Stone?" DW said._

"In three days right?" Ryo smiled.

"Nothing like the five o' clock news. Eh, Lieutenant Todoh?" Robert added. "See ya."

* * *

DW shook his head and shrugs.

"There is no joke inside those sentences whatsoever!" DW yelled. "POINTLESS!"

* * *

We cut to Ryo and Robert returning to the entrance of the dojo.

"_So when Ryo and Robert get back to-ARGH!" DW screamed._

* * *

"My eyes burned! A freaking rainbow on the dojo sign!" DW yelled, covering his eyes. "And no! I'm never gonna let that rainbow thing go!"

* * *

"_Anyways, as I was saying, when Ryo and Robert return back to the dojo, a truck rolls down the slope and smashes Robert's car. After it crashes into the building, Ryo found a note inside the truck."_

"There's no driver inside." Ryo said as he searches inside the truck. Then, he saw the note. "Hey, it's from Yuri."

* * *

DW shrugs. "Oh yeah, because all kidnapping notes are written by the hostages themselves."

* * *

"I got a kid named Yuri. If you want her back, bring the Sirius to the casino. Mr. Big." Ryo reads the note. "Yuri!"

"What a mess! We don't know anything about the Sirius!" Robert said.

Ryo growled as he crashes the note.

* * *

"He sure does sound ferociously angry." DW said. "By the way, why are the heroes being called kids? They are 19 and 20 freaking years old!"

* * *

"_So at the casino, we see Yuri being bond to a chair."_

"Just wait and see…my brother…will get you…HE AND ROBERT WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!" Yuri yelled.

* * *

"I also…like to…pause…between my…sentences." DW said. "MY BROTHER WILL MAKE YOU PAY!"

* * *

"_By the way, do you know that Yuri is voiced by 4kids voice actress Veronica Taylor? Oh yeah, because this movie isn't a piece of trash already."_

"Heh heh heh, what a feisty little lady." King laughed.

"_Thanks for pointing out the obvious, King. I didn't know by the tone of her voice." DW said._

As Mr. Big enters the room and sits down in front of Yuri, the thug behind her holds a knife in front of her and chuckled, "I like you. I like a strong woman."

* * *

"Yeah…" DW chuckled and imitates the same voice of the thug. "I may sound like I came out from a mental asylum. But because I do."

* * *

"_Anyways, Robert walks into the casino dressed in a nice tuxedo while Ryo is outside of the building swining around the windows with a freaking grappling hook. Where the hell do they get that? Oh yeah, and one of the disguised policemen called Lt. Todoh that Mr. Big is in the casino."_

Todoh hangs up the phone and stands up with a huge smirk. "It's showtime, Mr. Big!"

_**Cutaway Gag…**_

_**Snake comes out of the box and the Metal Gear Solid theme plays.**_

"_**It's showtime!" Snake yelled.**_

_**End of Gag**_

"_So King goes to meet Robert." DW said._

I'm King. I work nights here at the casino." King introduced herself to Robert as she sits next to him at the bar counter.

"King? You look more like a queen to me." Robert said.

* * *

"Oh God." DW covers his face. "I never thought I say this but…BATTHAN CAN WRITE FUNNIER JOKES THAN THIS!"

* * *

"_So Robert lies to King that Ryo's been arrested and that he has the diamond so King escorts him to Mr. Big and Yuri."_

King and Robert entered a dark room. When the doors closed, the lights turn out, revealing Yuri.

"Yuri!" Robert exclaimed.

"Robert!" Yuri cried happily.

Mr. Big stands behind Yuri and said, "First, let's see if you got the rock, punk."

"_Er…don't you mean STONE?" DW said._

The thug giggled as he grabs Yuri by her chin and points his knife at her neck. "Don't try any funny business tough guy." The thug laughed.

* * *

"Sweet Jesus, the dialogue and voice acting in this movie keeps getting worser and worser!" DW yelled. "There's like no redeeming value in this movie whatsoever!"

* * *

"_So Robert digs into his pocket and takes out a grenade. But the villains laughed because it's no use. Why? Because they are inside…a bulletproof glass?"_

* * *

"Seriously, where the hell did that came from? We never saw it when Robert and King entered the room and now it just appears!" DW yelled. "Consistency? WHAT'S THAT!"

* * *

"_So after King takes away Robert's grenade and they remove the bulletproof glass, Ryo breaks into the room and we have another horrible fight scene. Seriously, the choreography of the fight scenes is so horrible I not even going to talk about them."_

"Why you…little no good pretty boy…" Mr. Big said angrily to Ryo.

"_Seriously? No good pretty boy? Is that the best thing he can come up with?" DW said. "So Ryo and Robert are about to fight King and Mr. Big's men but they got interrupted by a FREAKING WRECKING BALL! Plus, on top of the freaking wrecking ball was Todoh, dressed in samurai robes and armor! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?"_

* * *

"This movie is so freaking stupid! It's like the writers never put any serious thought into the movie script at all and just have fun messing the script up!" DW yelled.

* * *

The ball breaks into the casino room and Todoh jumps off the ball.

"Everyone freeze! Party's over!" Todoh yelled with a huge grin.

_**Cutaway gag…**_

"_**This party is over." Mace Windu said.**_

_**End of Gag**_

"_So Mr. Big captures Yuri AGAIN and he, King and his thugs escape through a helicopter. Ryo and Robert escape before crazy man Todoh catches them. Ryo and Robert return back to their dojo and think about how are they going to find the Sirius rock…oh wait, I mean Sirius stone. No I mean Eye of Sirius. But seriously, does anyone care?" DW said._

"I'm going to have a drink." Robert said as he gets up and walks over to the fridge. He opens the fridge and finds that it's completely wet. "Aw! Everything in here has melted!"

* * *

"Because Poor Literacy is Kewl." DW said, dressed in a brown coat and brown hat like Linkara. "Sorry, I HAD to put that in."

* * *

He then opens the top of the fridge and sees the ice tray. He widens his eyes as he remembers what happens at the apartment. "Ryo, I got it! Ha!"

"Got what?" Ryo asked.

"The power was off but the refrigerator was working! The diamond has got to be in the ice tray!" Robert said.

* * *

"Wow! And the police never figured that out?" DW said.

* * *

"_So Ryo and Robert returned to the apartment but couldn't find the diamond in the ice tray. By the way, the apartment is still messed up! Nobody, not even the police have been here! I wouldn't be surprised if the owner's dead body is still in the apartment!" DW said._

"_So Ryo and Robert still couldn't find the stone but Robert suddenly remembered throwing ice out of the window so Ryo and Robert went outside and finally finds the Eye of Sirius."_

* * *

"Seriously, and the police never found it first? These guys make the police look like Dumb and Dumber!" DW said.

_**KERSSSHHH….**_

"No DW! Don't do it!" X Prodigy yelled.

"X Prodigy? What are you doing here?" DW asked.

"No DW, don't review this trash of a movie! Nobody has to torture themselves watching Uwe Boll's House of the Dead!" X yelled.

"House of the Dead? I'm not reviewing House of the Dead!" DW said.

"Oh thank God, for a second I thought you have gone crazy like Nukid." X sighed in relief. "So, what are you reviewing?"

"I'm reviewing the Art of Fighting."

X screamed at the top of his lungs before leaving the room.

"Thank you, that was necessary." DW said sarcastically.

* * *

"_So the next day, Ryo and Robert goes to Mr. Big's enormous mansion to give him the diamond. Which begs the question why the police didn't just go to his home and arrest him?" DW said._

"_So After Ryo and Robert hands the diamond over to Mr. Big, did Mr. Big let Yuri go? NO! Why, because she's worth millions and he wants to make her a prostitute. Mr. Big and King are about to escape through a helicopter but Ryo turns to the swimming pool and had an idea."_

"Look!" Ryo yelled, pointing at the other direction. The thug turns his head. Ryo then turns around and kicks him in the face.

* * *

DW slaps his face.

"Seriously movie, you used the lamest idea ever to distract a thug?" DW said. "THAT'S IT! THIS IS SHIT! THIS IS THE MOST STUPIDEST, MOST HORRIBLE, MOST IDIOTIC, MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A MOVIE EVER!"

* * *

"_So Ryo runs over to the swimming pool, jumps on the springboard, which helps him fly high enough to reach the helicopter." DW said._

* * *

"HOW? I don't have a fucking clue and to be honest, at this point, who cares?" DW said.

* * *

"_So Ryo rescues Yuri, Mr. Big drops the Eye of Sirius into the pool and Ryo and Yuri land into the pool safely and the helicopter crashes into the pool. And somehow, even the helicopter explodes and engulfed in flames despite being in a swimming pool filled with water!"_

* * *

"So there, is the movie OVER?"

* * *

_"No, of course not! Somehow, King and Mr. Big are still alive and they engage Ryo and Robert in a fight. Blah blah blah, Ryo and Robert defeat Mr. Big and King, but the mental asylum thug grabs Yuri and held her hostage but Todoh FINALLY arrives and hits him in the head, freeing Yuri."_

"Ryo!" Yuri runs over to her brother and embraces him.

"Yuri…" Ryo said. "Are you sure you're alright?"

* * *

DW drops his jaw in disbelief.

"Is she alright? ALRIGHT?" DW grabs his head and starts shaking as if he's about to go insane.

Then, he calms down and said, "Why yes. Yes Ryo. She is alright. Because you are CLEARLY BLIND TO SEE TODOH HITTING THE THUG IN THE HEAD AND SEEING YURI ESCAPE WITHOUT A SINGLE SCRATCH ON HER BODY! You…ARE THE WORST…PROTAGONIST…EVER!"

"GOOOOOOODDDDDD!"

* * *

"_So Todoh arrests Mr. Big, King and all of his thugs but there's still one thing left to do."_

"Where's the Eye of Sirius anyway?" Todoh asked Ryo and Robert. The two men and Yuri point their thumbs at the pool behind them. Todoh runs over to the pool and ordered the policemen. "Look for it, everybody in the pool!"

Todoh and the policemen quickly jump and dive into the pool and search for the diamond.

* * *

DW shakes his head. "Policemen in pool. I have no comment on that."

* * *

_"So Ryo, Robert and Yuri had a good laugh and the movie FINALLY ends, right? NO! The next day, ryo coninutes searching for the cat to get the money for his dojo, blah blah blah Yuri names their new pet cat Sirius, just like the diamond ha ha, and then the movie finally ends. THE END!"_

* * *

DW breathed in. "So that was the Art of Fighting, good fucking Lord!"

* * *

We see various clips and scenes from the movie.

"_I mean…where do I even begin? The animation is choppy, the dialogue is horrible, the fight scenes are choreographed by a blind man, and I've never heard voice acting so horrendously bad! And, I know you think I'm crazy for saying this but, it's REALLY WORTH WATCHING! Yeah, this animated movie is so bad you have to watch it to believe it! So, if you want to watch a horrible movie to waste your time, look no further. Go watch Art of Fighting and learn how to be a bad animator."_

* * *

"So, that was my review of Art of Fighting, I hope you enjoyed it and-"

DW turns his head and sees Lt. Todoh breaking into the room.

"Alright, what's going on here?" Todoh asked.

"Lieutenant Todoh? What the hell are you doing here?" DW asked.

"Where's the Eye of Sirius?" Todoh demanded.

"Dude, I have no idea where' the Sirius stone is!" DW said.

"Fine. Wrecking ball!" Todoh yelled.

DW turns his head to the other direction and sees the wrecking ball coming towards him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" DW screamed as the wrecking ball swings towards him and the screen goes black.

* * *

Alicia and Haruhi both hold microphones as they sing to the camera as the credits rolled.

Alicia: _**Shigarami mo kanashimi mo subete ketobashite yukou**_

Haruhi: _**kagami no naka no jibun to mukiatte suki ni natte yukou**_

Male singers: _**Kick off Ride on Let's go!  
Kick off Ride on Let's go!  
Kick off Ride on Let's go!**_

Alicia and Haruhi: _**shunkan soukai kara afureru futari no omoide  
kattobasu jitensha ni matagatte kanaderu melody  
kaze totomoni mae ni susume ba ijan  
jump shita ground ase hikarase  
jiko saikou shin kirokuka mashite hashiride sou**_

_**asphalt wo fumishimete**_  
_**ate no nai tabi ni deyou jidai no cycle de**_  
_**taikutsu na mainichi wa jibun shidai mitsukedasou**_

_**shigarami mo kanashimi mo subete ketobashite yukou**_  
_**kagami no naka no jibun to mukiatte suki ni narou**_

_**kakko tsuketa egao mo nugisutete jibun rashiku**_  
_**arinomama nagedasa nai kimi to**_  
_**susumou sorezore no michi wo**_

**THE END**

**Opening Theme: Easy Go by Kazuki Kato**

**Ending Theme: Cycle by CherryBlossom**

DW: Hope you enjoyed the first review of the second season of the Mercenary critic! Read and review!


	15. Tron's Lovers

_**Chapter 15: Tron's Lovers**_

On a building rooftop, Lightning and Alicia Ribery strum their electric guitars and the theme song starts to play.

As the theme song starts to kick into high gear, Cloud Strife starts beating the drums. DW64 AKA the Mercenary Critic grabs the microphone in front of him and sings.

_**hitogomi ni magireteru  
kimi no koe wa kikoeteru'n da**_

A huge blimp flies by and on the huge television screen, we see various clips and scenes from previous Mercenary Critic blimp flies away and we cut back to the rooftop and everybody start banging their heads as DW sings the chorus.

_**kousaten no mannaka mirai no chizu sagashiteru'n da**_  
_**kanawanai yume wa nai shinjita sora no mukou**_

_**EASY GO de ikouze egaita mirai he  
dare mo shiranai kimi dake no yume  
dakishimete**_

A television set falls down from the sky and lands on the ground and we see more clips and scenes from previous reviews on the screen.

_**asu he mukatte jibun no PACE de**_  
_**I WANNA GO AND FIND MYSELF**_  
_**ichido dake no CHANCE**_

The TV goes static and we cut back to DW and his band, now calming down as the song goes slower.

_**hitogomi ni magireteru  
kimi no koe wa kikoeteru'n da**_

As the song ends, the camera turns to a huge billboard that says:

_**THE MERCENARY CRITIC**_

* * *

"Hello I'm the Mercenary Critic, and I'm definitely felt great to be back to reviewing stuff everyone in the world hates." DW said with a huge grin on his face as he sits on his couch. "Today, I'm going to review a fanfiction that is not on but on Deviantart."

(We see images of Deviantart)

"Ah, yes. What can I say about Deviantart. Deviantart is definitely a great website where talented artists like Bleedman, Genzoman and Artgerm post their artworks for everyone in the world to see." DW now sounds grumpy. "But sadly, this website is also an art gallery of some of the worst Photoshop images and fanfictions I ever seen. One horrendous fanfiction I read on the website was Tron's Lovers, written by the biggest moron on the Internet since JJAPrice15, VoltronZ1."

(We cut back to DW)

"And boy do I have a history lesson about this guy for all of you to hear." DW said with a huge frown on his face.

"VoltronZ1 was originally known as GuyverDonald and RangerDonald. He first join Deviantart back in 2008 and immediately, he becomes one of the dumbest and annoying people on the Internet. He wants to be friends with Papa T-41, No Limit 5, Chrissy-San, Phantom Lucario and many other Deviantart members who are originally Cartoon X-Over story writers here on Fanfiction. Of course, these people have brains and are too smart to be friends with this idiot, so they immediately block his ass. When he rejoined Deviantart as VoltronZ1, this is really what he said to Papa T-41."

"And I quote." DW took out a piece of paper and said, "Dear Tom, I do not wish to have another fight with you. I just want to say I'm not going to be friends with you anymore and I'm going to leave you guys alone. You guys are the biggest shitheads I ever met and I hope we never meet each other! So good riddance and good fucking bye!"

DW puts away the paper and inhales. "Ouch, that message could have gone a lot better. So yeah, VoltronZ1 has now also become a douchebag since then."

"Anyways, more about him, VoltronZ1 is also a super fantard who has a really sick and unhealthy obsession with Tomoyo from Cardcaptor Sakura and Hotaru Tomoe AKA Sailor Saturn. He seems to mostly post BAD Photoshop images of himself with Tomoyo and/or Sailor Saturn. He evn post comments about his undying love for Sailor Saturn. Now isn't that sickening? Man, if MistressOfDawn learns about this, she would be fucking pissed. He is also a huge fantard of Ouran High School Host Club, one of the greatest anime romantic comedies of all time. He used to be a member of an Ouran High School Host Club fan club on the site and creates his own Ouran OC called, guess who? Donald Morrison! Himself!"

"Wow, this is the MOST original OC ever created since Batthan's Ethan Tidwell." DW said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Oh, and this is his OC's bio."

_Name: Donald Morrison__  
__Age: 16__  
__Blood Type: A__  
__Class: 1-B__  
__Family History: He is the youngest of the Morrison family. He has three brothers named Christoper, Mark and Michel. His mother is Maria Kucher, a defence attorney while his father is Colin Morrison, a lawyer who works for the government of Canada. He really loves anime, tokusatsu shows, J-Pop, mangas, the Rocky movies, Nintendo/Sega games and even anime/image songs. Since then he has started singing tokusatsu and anime songs at live performance concerts. A lot of people call him the "Bing Crosby of anime music" for his lovely singing voice. He also loves playing video games, mostly arcade beat 'em ups.__Type: Tokusatsu.__  
__Not only does Donald sings and loves tokusatsu and anime, but he also made a fan manga of his own called Voltronman; which he sells them in the school. But when his friends in the Host and Hostess Club are in danger, he transforms into his manga character Voltronman. No one in the Host Club knows about his second identity, not even Haruhi Fujioka. Donald's Batman/Kamen Rider/Tuxedo Mask hero identity was made when his best friend Brad was gun downed by the fearful mobster, James "Jimmy the Gent" Conway. Since that horrible day of his friend's death, Donald vows to protect everyone in Ouran Academy to make sure that no one gets killed ever again._

"He even went on to claim that Hunny can sing like Dean Martin and Mori is his sidekick who can also transform into a spandex-wearing superhero. His character also sleeps with Renge and she asked him to join their club because of his awesome singing skills. God, his fantardiness shows no limits." DW groans. "One day, he was kicked out of the club because he tried to do a crossover with the Super Sentai he is currently raping known as Samurai Syber Squad. He has asked many artists of on Deviantart to fulfill his fanboy fantasies of being surrounded by Sailor Senshi and Characters from Power Rangers."

"A few weeks ago, I decided to visit his account to see if he's active. And guess what, he still is. And til today, he still writes shitty fanfics that makes My Immortal look like War and Peace and posting EXTREMELY BAD Photoshop images that makes Jacobyel look like Vincent Van Gogh. His OCs are the MOST UNORIGINAL characters I ever seen. His personal OC is named Donald Morrison, his own real name, and his OC is LITERALLY just him, dressed in a green Power Ranger suit." DW said. "You know Donald, putting yourself in a Power Ranger suit with no changes to it at all is completely unoriginal and lazy. At least Batthan can come up with his own clothes for his OC."

"And it gets even worse! He even use his own family members and loved ones as his other Ocs. His brothers are also literally just themselves dressed in Power Rangers suits and now recently, he even made his own Godfather dressed in a black Power Ranger suit. Way a go in disgracing your own family, Donald." DW said. "If you guys really dare to see his craptacular Photoshop images and fanfics, visit his deviantart gallery. His account is VoltronZ1. I even found a great journal article about his idiocy on LiveJournal. The link to the journal is at the bottom of this review."

"Now that my history lesson is finally over, let's now talk about his fanfictions." DW said. "Currently he is writing a weekly ongoing fanfiction series called Morrison Rangers. I read a few of them and I swear to God, his stories make Batthan's Team Justice look like The Avengers."

"So guys, let's dig into one of his craptacular Morrison Rangers stories, Tron's Lovers." DW said and he now starts the review.

_**Tron's Lovers Review**_

* * *

_Tron's Loves  
By Donald Morrison_

* * *

"Ladies and Gentlemen, an error immediately as the story begins." DW said, spreading his arms out. "This is DEFINITELY going to be a great story!"

* * *

_"So our story begins in the air ship Gesellschaft, the home of Tron Bonne. We see Tron Bonne reading a magazine in her room with her minions, the Servbots." DW said._

Tron: (Signs) I'm so bored.

Servbot 1: What's the matter, boss?

Tron: Ohhhhh…. It's just that I've been cooped up in this air ship for too long now. Nothing has not happened since we last saw my darling Mega Man. (Signs) Such good times.

* * *

"Yes people, Donald Morrison writes his stories in script format. He writes his stories like this ever since he joined Deviantart back in 2008. And til today, HE STILL FUCKING DOES!" DW yells. "Sheesh! You think after writing stories for three years, he would finally improve his writing skills!"

* * *

_"Her brothers Teisel and Bon came to her." DW said._

Teisel: You're still crazy about our favorite blue bomber goodie are you?

Tron: (Blushes) Well he's still kinda sweet, Teisel.

Teisel: The fact is my dear that it's time to move on from love and to get back to work, we got a lot of jobs to complete here.

* * *

"Yeah Tron, you have to get ready for your appearance in Marvel VS Capcom 3!" DW said.

* * *

Tron: Aw come on Teisel, I want someone to love and to play with. And Mega Man was the perfect choice for me.

Teisel: Oh you know that love with heroes always lead to danger.

"_Don't you ever watch the Spiderman movies?" DW said, imitating Teisel's voice._

_"So Tron eventually agrees with Teisel's opinion not to fall in love with a hero. This makes Teisel happy so he and his Servbots goes off to New York City and find Kingpin. Yes, folks. THE Kingpin from the Spiderman and Daredevil comics." DW said. "But Tron is still not happy with her brother's opinion."_

Tron: (Sarcastic) Oh sure big brother, I'll be good and try not to fall with the only person I love. Bleh! This stinks; he should know that you can't stop love like that. (Signs) I just want someone for me.

Bon: Babuu babuu babuu babuu babbu. (Hmm maybe you should go to one of your favorite places in the world: The jewelry store.)

* * *

"Oh God, tell me he's not going to type Bon's voice like this throughout the entire story." DW said in worry as he places his hands on the sides of his head.

* * *

Tron: (Gasps in joy) Of course! Why didn't I think of that before in the first place? Thanks Bon, you're always so nice.

(She then kisses her little brother on his metal cheeks.)

Bon: (Blushes) Babuu. (You're welcome, Tron.)

* * *

"Uggggghhhhh, yes he is." DW groans painfully.

* * *

_"So Tron Bonne flies over to a jewelry store and tries to find the best diamond she could buy for her true love. The store clerk shows her an icy blue diamond." DW said._

Tron: Oh my…. It's perfect.

Store Clerk: It sure is. It was imported from a far Arabian kingdom as a gift and it for sure will be the perfect gift for your true love.

"_We secretly stole this diamond from an Iraqi museum when the Iraq War began." DW said, imitating the Store Clerk._

Tron: That's all I needed to hear, I'll take it.

(So to make a long story short Tron buys the diamond with her credit card.)

* * *

"Cut it out with saying "Long story short"!" DW yelled.

* * *

Store Clerk: Thank you and hope your true love will love the jewel.

* * *

"Because poor literacy is kewl!" DW said as he nods his head and gave a thumbs-up.

* * *

"So after she bought her gift, Tron leaves the jewelry store and hears strange noises from not far. She decides to check out what is going on." DW said.

(Background Music: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1994 Theme)

(The noises turned out to be gun fire as we see some goons and a heavily armored firing their guns while running on the streets. The goons were the Eggmen soldiers of the crime organization F.O.W.L. and the robot was a sinister looking one with wrist blades, red eyes and an orange ponytail.)

* * *

"Oh yeah! Because the 1994 Ninja Turtles theme ALWAYS makes shooting scenes look badass! Imagine if the 1994 Ninja Turtles theme is played during the final battle scene in Saving Private Ryan. That would make the battle scene more interesting, wouldn't it?" DW yelled.

_**Cutaway Gag**_

_**(We see several fight scenes in the final battle of Saving Private Ryan as the 1994 Ninja Turtles theme is played.)**_

_**Teenage…Mutant…Ninja…Turtles **_

_**Teenage…Mutant…Ninja…Turtles **_

_**Teenage…Mutant…Ninja…Turtles**_

_**TURTLE POWER!**_

_**End of Gag**_

_"So Tron hides behind a mailbox and she sees that the people that the robots and Eggmen were shooting at are none other than the Gary-Stu heroes themselves, the Morrison Rangers." DW said._

Tron: Wow! I wonder who these fine boys are.

* * *

"I am attracted by their Gary-Stu beauty!" DW said, imitating Tron.

* * *

Donald: Okay Eggmen, you guys are done.

Chris: We'll be taking those weapon plans you guys stole, thank you very much.

Eggman 1: Yeah right. You guys will have to fight us to get these plans again.

Mike: You want a fight? Okay, allow me to start the rumble!

* * *

"God, just reading the Morrisons' dialogue for the very first time makes me hate them already." DW groaned.

* * *

_"So Mike uses his blaster and turns all of the Eggmen's guns into ashes. Then, the four Morrison Rangers perform some of the most God-awful Gary-Stu fighting moves ever in a fanfiction." DW said._

All 4: Go Morrison Machine!

(The rangers all ran at the Eggmen and began to use their martial arts on them, starting the fight. Donald and Chris both karate chopped some of the Eggmen while Mark and Mike pushed the rest into a street light, knocking them out cold. An Eggman tried to jump on Mike but he knocks him away with his Power Axe. Two more Eggmen tried to ram him but Chris sends them away to the rest with his Power Sword. More of the Eggmen ran at the rangers but Donald and Mark took them out with the Dragon Dagger and the Power Lance.)

Eggman 3: Geez, these guys are strong and are betting us up badly.

Chris: And there's going to be more of that right now!

(He grabs the soldier by his suit and throws him into the rest of the soldiers, knocking them down like pins.)

Mark: Nice one Chris, now for their robot friend.

* * *

"Wow. I mean wow. Terrible. Those are the worst fighting moves ever perform by an OC since…" DW shrugs. "Well, Batthan's Ethan Tidwell."

* * *

_"After defeating the goons, the Morrison Rangers walk up to the robot and ask them to hand over the weapon plans. The robot fights back by shooting lasers at them. Yes, people. Our heroes everybody. They can defeat a huge group of enemies by doing Gary-Stu fighting moves but they are easily defeated by laser eyes." DW said._

Donald: Oww! Who is this guy?

Robot: Sorry, my card.

(He fires a rocket fist at Donald himself, knocking him to the floor once more.)

* * *

"Hey! I like this robot!" DW smiled.

* * *

Robot: The name is Fulgore, and I'm the new tough man at F.O.W.L.

* * *

DW drops his jaw.

"Fulgore? THE Fulgore from the fighting game Killer Instinct?" DW said. "That is AWESOME!" DW pumps his fists into the air. "Way a go Fulgore! You sure kick Donald's ass hard! Man, I love this freaking robot!" He then looks skyward and clasps his hands together. "And thank you God for giving me some mercy in this fanfic."

* * *

_"So Fulgore walks away from the Morrison Pansies. Tron Bonne is not pleased and decides to fight back." DW said._

Tron: Hey bad guys!

Fulgore: What the heck?

Mike: Say dudes, who's that?

Donald: I don't know Mike.

Tron: Give those weapon plans back to the boys!

Fulgore: Or what little girl?

Tron: Or else this!

(She jumps into the air and kicks Fulgore with might, knocking the weapon plans out of his body as it lands into Mark's hands.)

* * *

DW's smile immediately vanished.

"So Fulgore, one of the most badass robots of all time, can kick the Morrison Rangers' asses but can be easily defeated by a flying kick from Tron Bonne." DW said. He then yelled as he holds up two middle fingers, "FUCK YOU DONALD MORRISON! FUCK YOU!"

* * *

Mark: Well, that helped us.

"_Thanks to the awesome power of bad writing." DW said, imitating Mark._

Chris: No kidding, this girl kick a death robot! And that's awesome.

"_I wonder if this girl can kick Unicron!" DW said, imitating Chris._

"_So Fulgore takes Tron Bonne hostage and ask the Morrison Rangers to give back the weapon plans. But Donalds tackles Fulgore and saves Tron Bonne." DW said._

Fulgore: Hey! Give me back that hostage you fool!

Chris: Actually we got something even better for you big boy. Hit it guys!

(Chris, Mark and Mike all got out their Blade Blasters once more and fired on Fulgore, melting and destroying some of his body armor.)

"_TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERFUCKER!" DW and several other voices yelled.  
_  
Fulgore: Great you guys ruined my armor, and I got this clean in the shops.

Mike: Well maybe you shouldn't take girls as hostages, you know.

"_Ah yes, I see that the Morrison Rangers are also moral tellers from Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog." DW said. "So Fulgore and his men leave the scene. Oh and the 1994 Ninja Turtles theme ended. Are you telling me that the theme song was playing throughout the ENTIRE sequence?"_

Chris: And we'll be ready for you Fulgore, you can count on that.

(After the fight was over, the rangers all powered down to their normal selves.)

Mike: And that's the end of that.

"_And yes guys, the dialogue in this story is AWFUL. Some of the worse I ever read." DW said. "I know the Morrison Rangers are based on the Power Rangers and the dialogue in Power Rangers is supposed to be childish, but at least the dialogue is still less annoying!"_

_"So The Morrison Rangers introduce themselves to Tron Bonne and they were surprised to learn that the girl's name is Tron Bonne of the Bonne family." DW said._

(The brothers were surprised of what they heard.)

Mike: Whoa dudes, a Bonne member helped us out.

Donald: Not to mention that we… (Gulps) Saved her as well.

* * *

"A hero saving a badguy's life? I never heard that before!" DW said. "Except Batman, Spiderman, Superman, He-Man and every other freaking well-known superhero out there!"

* * *

_"So after Tron gives each Morrison Ranger the kiss of death, the Morrison Rangers leave." DW said._

Tron: Those boys are such nice heroes. In fact… (Smiles) I think I found my new loves.

* * *

"So Tron Bonne has fallen for those Gary-Stus." DW said. "She is such a slut."

* * *

_"Meanwhile, Fulgore and his men went to a nightclub and meet up with F.O.W.L.'s top agent Steelbeak from Darkwing Duck." DW said_

Steelbeak: So let me get this straight, you fellas lost the weapon plans to not only the rangers, but also by a young girl too?

"_That sounds as ridiculous as a 14-year old boy being able to defeat Byakuran!" DW imitating Steelbeak._

Eggman 4: But you don't understand Steelbeak, the rangers got some awesome firepower that easily beaten us to-

Steelbeak: Like I always say: If there's one thing I hate, its excuses.

(The top agent got out a bowling ball and throws it at the Eggmen, knocking some of them out with one hit.)

* * *

"Ugggghhh…it's bad enough when a Gary-Stu OC does it. It's even worse that Steelbeak, one of the most intimidating villains in Darkwing Duck does it!" DW yelled.

* * *

"So Fulgore promises Steelbeak that he will get the weapons plan back and get revenge on the heroes and leaves the club." DW said. "Meanwhile, the Morr-, you know what? I'm not going to refer them by their idiotic team name anymore, I'm going to refer them as the MRs. The MRs are resting in a hotel until someone knock on their door.

Chris: I don't know but if it's one of Kamdor's warriors again, I'm ready for them this time.

(He pulls out a SIG SG 556 assault rifle as he loads it with a 40 round box magazine.)

* * *

"Our heroes, everyone. Ready to brutally kill people when someone knocks on their door." DW said.

* * *

_"It turns out it was Bon Bonne disguised as a mailman. He hands the MRs a telegram that is written by Tron Bonne herself." DW said._

Donald: (Reads) Dear Morrison Brothers: You guys are so awesome since the real Power Rangers came to this world.

* * *

"A references to the real Power rangers, the real heroes!" DW smiled. "Subtle."

* * *

So much so that I even asked you all to come to the city park tomorrow for some fun. So come meet me and let us have the best days of our lives. Love TB.

Chris: TB huh? Now I wonder who this fan of ours could be.

Mark: I don't know Chris. But whoever it is, he or she sure loves us.

Mike: So why don't we see him/her tomorrow at the park dudes?

Donald: Well…. I see no problem with that. But first, let's get our zees first before the fun.

* * *

"First, WOW. They can't figure out what TB is? They just met Tron Bonne who flat out tells them her name and they still can't figure out what TB is? And second, they immediately accept the invitation without taking it seriously?" DW said. "These heroes are the biggest morons since Ash Ketchum and his friends in Pokemon: The First Movie!"

* * *

_"The next day, the MRs wait at the park and find out that TB is Tron Bonne. What a shock." DW said sarcastically._

Donald: Oh-no! I knew this would happen.

Mark: Guess you're right Donald. Tron has found a new love: Us.

* * *

"Curse our Gary-Stu beauty!" DW said.

* * *

"So Tron gets out a huge bag and pulls out each gift for the brothers." DW said.

Donald: Well now….. Thank you?

Tron: (Smiles) Since I've been studying your lifestyles, I've made the gifts based off of your favorite hobbies.

* * *

"My God! She's a fucking stalker! Someone call the police!" DW yelled in alarm.

* * *

"_So the MRs test their gifts out but they all broke apart and fail. They tell Tron Stalker to leave them alone and they teleport away." DW said._

Tron: Ohhhhhhhh….. I tried and I didn't even get a goodbye kiss….. I failed.

Bon: Babuu babuu babuu babuu. (No you're not Tron; you're still one of the best girls of all time.)

* * *

"Yes, even though Mike's gift literally tried to kill him!" DW yelled.

* * *

_"So Tron hatches an idea. She thinks that if she can arrest the agents of F.O.W.L., she might get the MRs' attention and congratulate her." DW said._

* * *

"Gee! How long will it take for Tron Bonne to find out that it's a completely idiotic idea? Let's put in the idiot timer, shall we?" DW said with a smile. He holds out his hand and a small clock appears on the right side of the screen. "Now then, let's continue."

"_That night, Tron sneaks into F.O.W.L.'s nightclub base. She finds out that Fulgore is going to kill her lovely rangers so she appears in front of him and Steelbeak and get their attention. Their men surround her and Tron tries to activate her robotic suit. But it didn't work." DW said._

Eggman 1: So little girl, any other tricks you want to say?

Tron: Uh…. Just this: HELP!

* * *

The clock stops and DW looks at the clock. "16.9 seconds! What a record everybody!" DW yelled. The audience cheers as DW claps his hands.

* * *

_"So Steelbeak and Fulgore put Tron into a cage and use her to attract the MRs' attention." DW said. "Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the MRs were once again hanging out in their hotel room. Geez, they actually spend the whole day literally lying in their room?"_

Mike: Hmm…. Do you guys think that we were a bit too hard on Tron?

"_It's not like her gift tries to kill me." DW said, imitating Mike._

(Someone was knocking on the front door, getting the attention of the brothers.)

Chris: Uh-oh, we got trouble guys.

(He pulls out his SIG SG 556 assault rifle once again as he loads it with the 40 round box magazine.)

* * *

"Jesus Christ, stop taking out your rifle, Chris! God! This guy is more paranoid than Aya Brea from Parasite Eve!" DW yelled.

* * *

"_It turns out it was Bon Bonne and ask the MRs to go save Tron Bonne. The MRs leave after saying…Oh let me guess, Morrison Power?" DW said._

All 4: Morrison Power!

"_Uggggghhhh…." DW groaned._ _"Back at the nightclub, Tron was still in the cage with Fulgore, Steelbeak and the Eggmen all guarding her with their weapons, waiting for the rangers to come with the plans."_

Fulgore: Hmmmm…. I'm starting to think that they aren't coming, Steelbeak.

Steelbeak: Have patience my robotic death friend, they will come and save this little dumb dame.

Tron: Hey! I'm not a little dumb dame. I am a very smart mechanic of the Bonne Family. And the rangers will beat you bullies up.

Fulgore: Bullies? Us? Well, I think it's time you learned some manners on how to not be a jerk to us!

_"So Fulgore takes his gun out and threatens to kill Tron. Steelbeak tries to stop him." DW said._

Steelbeak: Hey! Put the gun down buddy, or else my boys here will fill you with holes.

Fulgore: Go ahead; my body is made of heavy metal, so no bullets will stop me from shooting her with my gun.

* * *

"Don't be so sure Fulgore. Sometimes guns can shoot through heavy metal as proven by Master Chief from the Halo series." DW said.

* * *

_"Steelbeak manages to bite off the barrel of Fulgore's gun with his metal beak." DW said._

Fulgore: Dah! That was my favorite gun you just ate! Now you're going to get it from me!

* * *

"Donald Morrison turned Fulgore, one of the most badass robots, into a whiny crybaby." DW said. "I hope Satan tortures him in hell."

* * *

_"Before Fulgore and Steelbeak could get into a fight, the MRs and Bon bonne appear in their Gary-Stu glory!" DW said._ "The MRs hand Steelbeak the weapon plans over and ask them to give Tron Bonne them back. But of course, Fulgore takes out his machine gun and fires them to the ground."

(After that blast, the heroes slowly got up from the ground.)

Chris: (Groans) Why do these baddies always try to blast us to the floor on this show?

"_Ah, did you saw that guys? A subtle fourth-wall breaking joke!" DW chuckled. "And of course when I say subtle, I meant a stab in the lungs with a fucking machete! So Steelbeak reveals that F.O.W.L.'s evil plan is to get the weapon plans so they can create some of the most deadliest weapons in the world and use it to…you guess it, take over the world."_

**M. Bison: Of course!**

_"But Fulgore betrays Steelbeak and wants to have the weapon plans for himself." DW said._

Fulgore: Fool, did you really think that I'm working for your dumb crime organization?

* * *

"Ha! I knew the most badass robot ever will never work for an idiotic evil organization! And I think he might be referring to the author as well, who knows?" DW said.

* * *

Steelbeak: You're not?

Fulgore: No. I'm working for the real lord of evil himself: Kamdor.

"_Dum dum DUM!" DW said.  
_  
(As he said of who he is really working for, the brothers were shocked of what they heard.)

Donald: Kamdor, I knew he wouldn't back down.

_"So Fulgore blasts the MRs down once again with his laser eyes. Sheesh! You think after getting hit by the laser eyes once, they would now know that he has laser eyes and he can take them out with that!" DW said._ "Fulgore takes out his blades and are about to kill the MRs."

* * *

"FINALLY!" DW yelled, spreading out his arms.

* * *

"_But Bon Bonne interferes and he gets grab by Fulgore. Huh, he really was pointless after all." DW said. "Tron looks horrified and she bursts out of her cage. WHY DIDN'T SHE DO THAT BEFORE? She then strikes down Fulgore with a punch and saves Bon. Tron was able to fix her belt when she was in the cage and she activates her robotic suit."_

(Background Music: Tron Bonne's Theme from Marvel vs. Capcom 3)

* * *

"The music is a nice touch, but it only makes me wish I WAS playing Marvel VS Capcom 3 instead of reading this shitty story." DW said.

* * *

_"Tron Bonne is able to defeat Fulgore, Steelbeak and the Eggmen with her battle suit but Fulgore quickly gets up and grabs a shotgun from an Eggman." DW said._

Fulgore: This will break the girl's winning streak.

Donald: Sorry Fulgore, that's not going to happen!

Fulgore: What?

(The brothers all got out their weapons and started shooting the robot with them as Donald fires his Steyr TMP submachine gun, Chris fires his Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun, Mark fires his Walther P38 pistol and Mike fires his Colt M16A2 assault rifle. Fulgore was soon filled with holes in his body.)

Fulgore: DAHH! How are your bullets hurting me? My body is made of heavy metal!

Mike: True, but nothing can stand armor piercing bullets, including your armor.

* * *

"See? I told you." DW said.

* * *

"So long story up, Tron defeats Fulgore with her robot suit, a mysterious sniper shoots the weapon plans out of Steelbeak's hand and Steelbeak and the Eggmen retreat. The MRs wonder who their mysterious savior is." DW said.

(As the heroes were thinking of whom the sniper could be, we cut to the sniper who was standing on top of a nearby building and was wearing a dark cloak over him as he was holding his Remington 7600 Police Model pump action rifle in his hands.)

Cloak Sniper: Not time yet. But you see me soon, friend.

* * *

"Because poor literacy is kewl!" DW said, nodding his head and gives a thumbs-up.

* * *

"So the MRs thank Tron Bonne for their help and she gave them another gift, the blue diamond she bought from the jewelry store. Which begs the question WHY DIDN'T SHE GIVE THEM THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?" DW bellowed. "The MRs give Tron a hug and they all return back to their homes. **THE END**."

* * *

"Remember in my Ash Hood review that I said that Batthan's Ash Hood is the absolute worst fanfiction I ever read? Well, I take that back because VoltronZ1's Tron's Lovers have taken over that position!" DW yelled angrily.

(We see several scenes from the story)

"_It's…WOW. Where do I even begin? Some of the dialogue is the worse I ever read, Fulgore, the most badass fighting game character, is out of character, and the Morrison rangers are the biggest Gary-Stus I ever seen in a long time!" DW yelled._

"Something has to be done!" DW yelled. He takes out a laptop and searches Donald Morrison's home address on google. He was able to locate his location and a huge red ring appears over the Canadian state of Manitoba.

DW takes out his iPhone and yelled, "FIRE WHEN READY BOYS!"

* * *

A huge battleship is floating just above the Earth and the ship aims all its main and secondary cannons at Canada.

"The cannons are ready!" Sumeragi Lee Noriega, the captain of the ship said.

"THEN FIRE!" DW yelled.

Sumeragi nodded and the ship's cannons charge up. All the cannons then blast their lasers down to Earth.

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in Manitoba, Canada, Donald Morrison walks out of his house while wearing a pair of sunglasses and a pair of Sailor Saturn boxers. "Ah, what a beautiful day it is." Donald smiled at the sun. His smile suddenly disappears when he sees several lasers raining down at him. "What the?"

The lasers land on his house and the house exploded into smithereens. Once the smoke is cleared, only a huge crater is left.

* * *

"Target eliminated."

"Good work!" DW said before putting away his iPhone. "I'm the Mercenary Critic, I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd!"

* * *

Alicia and Lightning both hold microphones as they sing to the camera as the credits rolled.

Alicia: _**Shigarami mo kanashimi mo subete ketobashite yukou**_

Lightning: _**kagami no naka no jibun to mukiatte suki ni natte yukou**_

Male singers: _**Kick off Ride on Let's go!  
Kick off Ride on Let's go!  
Kick off Ride on Let's go!**_

Alicia and Lightning: _**shunkan soukai kara afureru futari no omoide  
kattobasu jitensha ni matagatte kanaderu melody  
kaze totomoni mae ni susume ba ijan  
jump shita ground ase hikarase  
jiko saikou shin kirokuka mashite hashiride sou**_

_**asphalt wo fumishimete**_  
_**ate no nai tabi ni deyou jidai no cycle de**_  
_**taikutsu na mainichi wa jibun shidai mitsukedasou**_

_**shigarami mo kanashimi mo subete ketobashite yukou**_  
_**kagami no naka no jibun to mukiatte suki ni narou**_

_**kakko tsuketa egao mo nugisutete jibun rashiku**_  
_**arinomama nagedasa nai kimi to**_  
_**susumou sorezore no michi wo**_

**THE END**

(Minus the asterisks)

**VoltronZ1's deviantart gallery: voltronz1*.deviantart*.com**

**Journal about VoltronZ1: community*.livejournal*.com/*deviantartsnark/*2223979*.html**

**DW: Finally, my first review in months. I hope you all enjoy that! Read and review!**


	16. The Dark Knight

_**Chapter 16: The Dark Knight**_

On a building rooftop, Lightning and Alicia Ribery strum their electric guitars and the theme song starts to play.

As the theme song starts to kick into high gear, Cloud Strife starts beating the drums. DW64 AKA the Mercenary Critic grabs the microphone in front of him and sings.

_**hitogomi ni magireteru  
kimi no koe wa kikoeteru'n da**_

A huge blimp flies by and on the huge television screen, we see various clips and scenes from previous Mercenary Critic blimp flies away and we cut back to the rooftop and everybody start banging their heads as DW sings the chorus.

_**kousaten no mannaka mirai no chizu sagashiteru'n da**_  
_**kanawanai yume wa nai shinjita sora no mukou**_

_**EASY GO de ikouze egaita mirai he  
dare mo shiranai kimi dake no yume  
dakishimete**_

A television set falls down from the sky and lands on the ground and we see more clips and scenes from previous reviews on the screen.

_**asu he mukatte jibun no PACE de**_  
_**I WANNA GO AND FIND MYSELF**_  
_**ichido dake no CHANCE**_

The TV goes static and we cut back to DW and his band, now calming down as the song goes slower.

_**hitogomi ni magireteru  
kimi no koe wa kikoeteru'n da**_

As the song ends, the camera turns to a huge billboard that says:

_**THE MERCENARY CRITIC**_

* * *

"Hello, I'm the Mercenary Critic. I remember it because I'm a freaking nerd." DW said, sitting on his couch. "Today, let's talk about the shittiest movie ever made…Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight."

**_The Dark Knight Review_**

(We see various clips and scenes from The Dark Knight)

_"I mean my God, is this movie bad! Lame and cliché story, unmemorable characters and very VERY BAD acting! I mean come on! George Clooney as the Batman? Chris O' Donnell as Harvey Dent? And worse of all…" DW gulped. "Oh God…Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Joker. This is the movie that DESTROYED the Batman franchise."_

"So ladies and gentlemen…let's dive right into…" DW gulped again and took out a bottle of alchol and places it next to him just in case. "The Dark Knight."

* * *

_"So our movie begins with a prologue."_

We see Alicia Ribery lying on the bed, reading a magazine. Alicia arches an eyebrow as she got up from the bed and turns to you, the reader.

"Look readers, I'm sure by now, you all know this is a stupid April Fool's Joke. So cut it out DW!"

* * *

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" DW bursts out laughing and slaps his knee. "Man, you guys ACTUALLY thought that I hate the Dark Knight? Come on, this is the oldest joke in the-"

"Darren!" Allen Walker yelled as he pops out from behind the couch.

"What? What happened?" DW asked in concern as he turns to Allen.

"I got third-stage cancer!" Allen yelled.

DW gasped. "What? No…." DW starts shaking in horror. "NO! Oh no! How much long before you die?" He asked with tears forming in his eyes.

"I will die on APRIL FOOL!" Allen yelled and he and Darren both laughed.

"DW!" Lightning said as she bursts into the room and runs over to DW.

"What's going on, Lightning?" DW asked her.

"Obama just announced he's going to destroy the state of Texas!" Lightning yelled.

"DAMMIT! I knew we shouldn't trust Obama! When will he launch the nuclear missiles?" DW asked.

"In about APRIL FOOL!" Lightning yelled before she, DW and Allen laughed together.

"GUYS!" Envy (From Fullmetal Alchemist) yelled, flailing his arms, as he bursts into the room. "I got a heart attack!" He said, breathing heavily as he clutches his chest.

"Yeah yeah, APRIL FOOL!" DW said as he, Allen and Lightning laughed at him.

"NO…GUYS!" Envy said, struggling to say. "I'M…SERIOUS!" Envy yelled as he now starts to sweat heavily and fell to the floor on his knees.

"Come on Envy! You're a homunculus! Your kind never die so easily!" Lightning laughed.

"No…I…." Envy's eyes roll back before he slumps to the floor, not moving a single muscle.

DW let out a sigh before saying, "Man, I don't know why there are people out there in this world who takes April Fool's jokes so seriously."

Then, there was an awkward silence in the room before Lightning turns to him and Allen and said, "Who wants pizza?"

"AWESOME!" DW and Allen both yelled with huge toothy grins.

* * *

Alicia and Lightning both hold microphones as they sing to the camera as the credits rolled.

Alicia: _**Shigarami mo kanashimi mo subete ketobashite yukou**_

Lightning: _**kagami no naka no jibun to mukiatte suki ni natte yukou**_

Male singers: _**Kick off Ride on Let's go!  
Kick off Ride on Let's go!  
Kick off Ride on Let's go!**_

Alicia and Lightning: _**shunkan soukai kara afureru futari no omoide  
kattobasu jitensha ni matagatte kanaderu melody  
kaze totomoni mae ni susume ba ijan  
jump shita ground ase hikarase  
jiko saikou shin kirokuka mashite hashiride sou**_

_**asphalt wo fumishimete**_  
_**ate no nai tabi ni deyou jidai no cycle de**_  
_**taikutsu na mainichi wa jibun shidai mitsukedasou**_

_**shigarami mo kanashimi mo subete ketobashite yukou**_  
_**kagami no naka no jibun to mukiatte suki ni narou**_

_**kakko tsuketa egao mo nugisutete jibun rashiku**_  
_**arinomama nagedasa nai kimi to**_  
_**susumou sorezore no michi wo**_

**THE END**

Happy April Fools everyone!


	17. TlSpiritDude's Prince of Heart 20XX

We see Sovereign64 entering the room and turns to you, the reader.

"Hi readers, sorry there hasn't been any new content here for a year. However, after 12 months, I finally decided what direction I want to take this show. I'll be right back." Sovereign then walks away anmd leaves the room.

A few minutes later, Sovereign returns to the room and sits down on his couch, now dressed in a blue collar shirt and white pants. He smirks at the camera and said, "Alright, fanfic gurus, let's dive into TLSoulDude's Prince of Heart 2!"

After announcing the title, he makes a forced anger expression at the camera to show he's irate.

* * *

**('I think I'm a Clone Now' by Weird Al Yankovic plays in the background)**

_**I RATE FANFICTIONS**_

_**Today's review: TLSoulDude's King of Hearts 2000**_

* * *

We then see several images on the screen.

"_Prince of Heart 2 is a Kingdom Hearts fanfic written by Sgt. Reynol and the story is about some kid named Ryan trying to save the Disney and Final Fantasy universe from aliens. He's a very hyperactive and fun-loving clown who tends to slack a lot."_

* * *

We see Sovereign64 smiling at the camera while sitting on the couch, holding a manga volume of Katekyo Hitman Reborn for some reason.

"Not like me at all as I am someone who actually puts in care and effort into my reviews. Most people don't usually know that is takes FOREVER to write a review that is at least 4 pages long and I had to put in special effects and explosions which are VERY important to the reviews." Sovereign64 said. Suddenly, a Google image of a banana falls onto Sovereign. "See guys? This took me 20 days alone!"

* * *

We then see several images of the Kingdom Hearts series.

"_I have always been a big fan of the Kingdom Hearts games even though I never played Kingdom Hearts 1 and Kingdom Hearts 2. I like the characters in the game like Sora, Riku, Donald Duck and Goofy." For some reason, when Sovereign mentions Goofy, an image of Goofy's son Max is shown instead. "I also have a huge crush on Kairi." Again, for some reason, when Sovereign mentions Kairi, we see an image of Aqua instead. "And I'm pissed off that she likes Sora instead and not me. And that's clearly the game's fault and not mine!"_

"_I also like the Disney and Final Fantasy characters that appear in the games. But why can't they show even more memorable Disney characters like Robin Hood, Frodo Baggins, Little Nemo and Bugs Bunny? This just makes me irate! Grrr! I know I should be talking about the actual fanfic right now but no! I'm just so pissed off right now!" Sovereign64 yelled in a pathetic tone, trying to sound angry._

* * *

Sovereign sighed and shakes his head. "Alright, let's just start the damn fanfic."

* * *

The review finally begins and we see the first chapter.

"_First of all, let's take a look at the prologue. This prologue sucks because it doesn't have a title card. Why don't we get to see a title card drawn by Marobot when we start off this fanfic? It's not like Fanfiction dot net disallow people from posting images on their fanfics. And look at the beginning! Why are the words in bold? This is so stupid!"_

* * *

Sovereign then looks up with a forced frown. "And the worst thing about this prologue is that we don't get to see Ichigo Kurosaki at all! C'mon! Kingdom Hearts fans want Ichigo Kurosaki in their KH fanfics! Why can't they have him as an unlockable storyline?"

* * *

We then see the rest of the prologue.

"_So what the hell is even going on here? Why are Ryan and some idiot named J in a prom? You mean I actually have to read the words and dialogue to know what is going on?"_

* * *

We see Sovereign again and now he looks extremely pissed off. "I can't waste my time reading the words and dialogue! I just got to read the fanfiction!" He then tosses his laptop away to show how angry he is.

* * *

We go back to the fanfic.

"_This chapter is awful! Just look at it! Why are the words in Verdana instead of Rockwell Extra Bold? It's not like all fanfics in Fanfiction dot net are in Verdana! The author should have pick a better writing font! And why is Ryan talking about Kairi all the sudden? Maybe he wants to get up close with her?"_

* * *

We see Sovereign again, giving us a very creepy smile. "If he does, then it will be _**hawt**_!" He paused for a few seconds. "That doesn't sound wrong, right?"

* * *

We go back to the fanfic again.

"_So at the end of the prologue, we see bios of the characters. Who cares about the characters? What about the special effects and graphics? Why don't we get to see any of them yet?"_

Sovereign then goes to the next chapter and for some reason, the chapter is upside down.

"_So then we go to the next chapter and OH WHAT THE HELL? The chapter is upside down?"_

* * *

We see Sovereign again and reveal that he's holding the laptop upside down.

"This is so STUPID! Why is the author so idiotic to not notice that?" Sovereign then gives another very forced anger expression.

* * *

We go back to the fanfic.

"_And look how long it takes for me to go to the next chapter!"_

* * *

We see Sovereign again and to dishonestly show how bad the fanfic is, he moves the cursor and clicks onto the 'next' button and watch the screen loads the next chapter IN SLOW MOTION.

After the laptop finishes loading the next chapter, we go back to normal motion and Sovereign yelled, "You see? You see how long that took?"

* * *

We go back to the fanfic again.

"_Why isn't Hayner in this story? It's not like he's just a minor character in Kingdom Hearts 2. He was right there since the start of the series! Even though, this fanfic isn't really that bad, it does have some flaws. For one thing, what is this tyrannical Crystalli this chapter is talking about? After doing some research, I find out this story is actually a sequel. So that means I had to read the first story first. But nah, I'm sure I won't miss out on anything if I don't read the first story."_

"_Later in this chapter, we found out that there is a future Destiny Island. How the hell did that happen? I suppose I could have read this story thoroughly so that I would have known how did that happen, but NO! I'm hung up on something that I can easily overcome!"_

We then see Leon AKA Squall Leonhart and Iron Man AKA Tony Stark.

"_Leon and Iron Man are in this story, but who cares about them! The really cool thing about this story is that Leon and iron Man are in it! Aw man, this story is taking FOREVER! I better use my irate powers to get through this!"_

* * *

Now, we get a LONG montage of Sovereign shaking his laptop furiously as he tries to read the fanfic. Then we see him typing onto the keyboard anxiously and sticking his tongue out at the same time. Then we see him wiping the laptop's screen while holding an EGM magazine in his other hand. Then we see him playing Starcraft 2 on his laptop instead of reading the fanfic. Then, for some reason, we now see him reading the fanfic on his iPad instead of his laptop. Finall we see him reading and flipping through a volume of Bleach.

The montage ends and we see Sovereign growling at his laptop.

"Grrrr, this story is FUSTRATING! I can never finish reading this story!" He turns to the camera and smirks as he holds up his power glove. "That's why I got myself a fanfic gen-glove!" He taps the buttons on his power glove. "We input the codes." Then, he waves his glove at his laptop. After that, he turns back to the camera and grins. "And now we are homefree!"

* * *

We now see the final chapter of the story.

"_So on the final chapter, we now see two new idiots named Scott and April and the story ends with them and J riding away on a Gummi Ship. In the end, this story really sucks because we never get to see any fight scenes such as Spiderman fighting with Doctor Octopus!"_

* * *

The review ends with Sovereign frowning at the camera while holding up his laptop. "Somebody call the police because I was Heart'd!" As he says 'Heart'd', he holds up his action figure of Sora. He puts away the action figure and continued, "This fanfic is the worst I ever read and I'm going to destroy it!" He then puts down his laptop, takes out his Optimus Prime gun to show how much of a hardcore Transformers fan he is and shoots the laptop with some very cheap special effects. After the laptop 'disappears', Sovereign turns back to the camera and said, "Well, I shall see all again in 7 months when I released a new episode of _'History of Japanese anime and manga'_ which is a separate series unrelated to this show and yet somehow elements from this show are included in that series. In the next episode, we will be talking about Fist of North Star, a manga rumored to be published and drawn by the legendary Tite Kubo."

The review ends with Sovereign giving yet another forced frown.

**THE END**

_**April Fool's!**_


	18. D-War AKA Dragon Wars Part 1

_**D-War AKA Dragon Wars**_

We see Darren lying on his couch with a sad frown on his face. He turns to the readers and said, "Oh hey guys…" He paused for a moment. "I'm the Mercenary Critic, I remember it because…" He paused again, then shakes his head.

He gets up from the couch and turns to the readers. "You know, I'm really sorry that I haven't done anything new since 2011. Sure I made an April fool's Day joke on April last year but I'm not counting that. Anyways, why I haven't reviewed anything new since 2011? Because…I really don't know if I should continue doing this! All my friends, CC, Erza Scarlet, Allelujah Haptism, Ragna the Bloodedge…they all moved on with their lives. Even my girlfriend Noel Vermillion. Oh wait, no…she isn't my girlfriend anymore." He paused. "Yes, Noel and I have departed. We are no longer together."

He sniffed and wipes off a tear from his eye. "My point is…why am I still sitting in this room, making reviews and telling you guys my opinion? Here's my answer. I have no life. Yes, sad isn't it? And you guys must be thinking, come on Darren, you're the Mercenary Critic. You are a mercenary! NO! I'm not a mercenary. This t-shirt and cap I'm wearing, does it make me look like a mercenary? NO! It's just role-play! And you must be thinking that's sad right? YES IT IS! I'm just a no-life pretending to be a mercenary when all I really do is sit here on my couch doing reviews? And you must be asking, why am I doing reviews? Shouldn't you be outside making friends and having a real life outside the Internet? Well yes, I wish I had a life outside the Internet but NO! Why? Because I have no friends! NO REAL FRIENDS! And you're thinking WOW. That's really sad! Yes! IT'S SAD BECAUSE I AM A LOUSY NO-LIFE BUM WHO DO NOTHING BUT DO REVIEWS ON THE INTERNET AND MAKE NO PROFIT OUT OF IT WHATSOEVER! I'M NEITHER A MERCENARY NOR A CRITIC! JUST A SHAMELESS RIPOFF OF THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! I…AM…NOTHING!"

Darren then ends it with a hoarse whimper and buries his face in his hands.

"Hey Darren!"

Suddenly, Titanic Disaster enters the room while holding a DVD copy of a movie. Darren turns his head to him and rolls his eyes. "Not now, Titanic Disaster! I'm so fucking depressed right now."

"But Darren! You promise we would do another co-review!' Titanic Disaster yelled.

"It was a lie!" Darren shouted in annoyance. "It always has!" Then, another person enters the room and both Darren and Titanic Disaster turn to him.

"Hey Darren." TLSouldude smiled and waved his hand.

"Soul? What are you doing here?" Darren asked.

"Well, after that April Fool's Joke on my Prince of Heart 2 story you pulled off five months ago, I was wondering…if I could do a co-review with you." Soul asked, now making a toothy grin.

"Oh, not you too! I already have enough annoyance in one day!"

"But Darren, it's about time the Insane Critic and the Mercenary critic do a collaboration together! You did one with Jean Kazuhiza, then Nukid, Airnaruto45, Titanic Disaster and MistressOfDawn! It's my turn to join in the fun!" Soul cried.

"Shut up! I'm not doing this critic stuff anymore!" Darren said, turning his head away. Then, another person enters the room.

"Hey guys, what's up?" The person asked everybody present.

"Lion's Edge? What are you doing here?" Darren asked, turning his head to him.

"Oh, it's just that Titanic Disaster borrowed a movie from the rental shop today and we are going to have a movie night together." Lion's Edge replied. "But, I see you are occupying this room right now."

"It has always been my room!" Darren yelled.

"Come on Darren. At least a nice cheesy movie to watch will make you feel better." Titanic Disaster said, smiling at Darren as he waves the movie DVD copy at him.

Darren let out a sigh and sits up straight. "Okay, fine. Let's watch a movie together."

"ALRIGHT!" Soul and TD both yelled.

"Cool." Edge shrugged and the three sit on the couch with Darren.

"So guys, what are we going to watch today?" Darren asked.

"This." TD said as he passes the DVD copy to Darren.

"Huh." Darren simply said as he looks at the DVD cover. "D-War AKA Dragon Wars."

_**D-War AKA Dragon Wars Review**_

We see various clips and scenes from the movie.

_"Dragon Wars is one of those movies that try to be an epic, explosive and action-packed Hollywood blockbuster movie that made millions of dollars by the end of its theatrical run. It has worked with Armageddon, Transformers, and every single Roland Emmerich movie ever made, so South Korea tried to play Hollywood at its own game with D-War. But at least the director of this film isn't THAT fucking stupid because when the movie was released internationally, the title is renamed to Dragon Wars which sounds better but still fucking bland." Darren explained._

We cut back to Darren, TD, Soul and Edge.

"And you know what's funny about this, guys? I saw the film's trailer in several TV stores and hypermarkets and when I first saw it, it looks kinda amazing. There were dragons, giant monsters, humans fighting evil demonic knights; it looks like a cool movie. But, the first time I saw the trailer was somewhere around 2009 and the actual movie already came out in 2007. I was like 'What?' This movie already came out a long time ago? But why I never heard about the movie coming out in theatres then? Well, guess what? Because it sucked." Darren said.

"It sucked huh?" TD said.

"Then why did you borrow it in the first place?" Edge asked TD.

"Oh come on. The film might sucked but let's treat it as a guilty pleasure like the Asylum movies, okay?" TD asked smiling.

Darren and Edge roll their eyes. "Alright, let's just watch anyways." Darren said.

"Oh boy!" TD said, pumping his fist into the air, getting hyped.

"But wait," Soul spoke up, stopping Darren from inserting the movie CD. "Didn't Film Brain from _That Guy With the Glasses_ already reviewed this?"

"Who says we are doing a review?" Darren said.

"You just explained the movie being a silly blockbuster movie earlier so technically, you are already explaining the movie and doing an actual review." Soul said.

"Oh God…" Darren said. "That means…"

"We're doing an actual review now?" TD said, widening his eyes. "AWESOME!"

"Well, I guess I could one more review before I go back to sulking myself in depression so…let's review it." Darren said.

"AWESOME!" TD yelled, pumping his fists into the air.

"Cool." Soul smirked.

"Sure." Edge said, shrugging.

"So yeah, didn't Mathew Buck AKA Film Brain already review this?" Darren said to the readers. Then, he narrows his eyes angrily." Yes but there's still much to talk about it! And you might be asking, come on Darren, does this movie really needs another review? And here's my answer. IT'S STILL BAD! 2008 Prom Night still sucks right now, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen still sucks right now and D-War definitely still sucks right now! Let's not delay any further and dive right into this shit fest!"

With that, Darren inserts the movie CD into the TV.

* * *

"_So the movie begins with a narrator giving us a brief but confusing backstory." Edge said._

As the movie begins, a female narrator spoke. "Everyone believes that the time of dragons has past…but the time of the dragons has only just began…"

* * *

"Um no, people NEVER believe there was a time of dragons because DRAGONS DON'T EXIST!" Soul yelled.

* * *

"Every five hundred years, a young woman is born…"

* * *

"Aren't all women born young?" TD shrugs.

* * *

"A woman who possesses a spirit power that can turn a serpent into the mightiest dragon of all. A good serpent would use this might power to protect the universe. An evil serpent would use this mighty power to destroy the world…"

* * *

"So the fate of the world is decided by whichever serpent gets the mighty power first." Edge said. "That sounds…unfair."

* * *

"Now it's time for the spirit to be awakened…Now it's the time for destiny to unfold."

When the narration ends, we see the title screen.

* * *

Soul, TD, Darren and Lion's Edge simply gape their mouths open.

"This is going to suck isn't it?" Darren asked.

* * *

"_So the movie begins with a giant crater in Los Angeles. As the FBI are investigating the damage site, we see a Native American shouting some bullshit to all American people that because they steal their land, they have awaken the beast. How nice. A movie mocking the Native Americans being chased out of their homes. Besides, does that native American even know the damage is caused by that beast he's referring to?" Soul said._

"_We then see our main hero, Ethan Kendrick, played by Jason Behr arriving at the scene to report the story." TD said._

"_It's also interesting to note that Ethan Kendrick is a TV news reporter and yet he doesn't have any sort of crew and films the scene with a camcorder." Darren added._

"_Ethan sees that the FBI uncovered a scale, prompting him to remember something that happened to him 15 years ago in an antique shop where he was a child." Edge said. "The shop is owned by Jack, played by Robert Forster, who is examining a dagger which Ethan's father is trying to sell." Edge said._

"Surely it must be worth something." Ethan's father said to Jack.

"Ten dollars." Jack shrugged. "It's the best I can offer."

* * *

"Ten bucks?! This dagger is an ancient artifact and has been lying around for generations and it only costs ten bucks?! I've seen cosplay weapons made out of cardboard that are worth more money than that value!" Darren yelled.

* * *

"_Ethan continues wandering around the shop until a Korean box suddenly opens up, revealing a scale. The scale then blows some sort of energy into Ethan. Jack fakes a heart attack to distract Ethan's father and promising to give him a thousand dollars, which is still a low value in my opinion." Darren said._

"_Jack then…starts acting like a creepy old man to Ethan and tells him some Korean legend which anybody can easily pass it off as some bullshit fanfiction." Soul said._

"Finally…" Jack widens his eyes at Ethan. "I found you."

* * *

"I have you all to myself, little boy." TD said, rubbing his hands and smiling creepily like a pedophile before licking his lips.

* * *

"Did you realize what you've just seen?" Jack asked.

"The light from inside the box, sir?" Ethan asked confused. Jack nods his head and takes out a scroll from his table. He then walks closer to Ethan.

"What you've just seen, was the scale of the Imoogi itself." Jack said.

* * *

"Pfffttt AHAHAHAHAHA!" All four laughed out loud.

When they quiet down, Darren said, "Really? Imoogi? I know it's probably some Korean word but to Western audiences, it sounds like a mutated cow."

* * *

"And the light? That was the light from heaven." Jack added.

"The light from heaven?" Ethan asked, looking puzzled. Jack nodded. "Imoogi?"

* * *

"I think we are all as confused and terrified as young Ethan here. Jack right now sounds like he's telling us some cheesy and completely unbelievable garbage and walking closer to that kid every time he says something. At this point, somebody SHOULD call the cops." Edge said.

* * *

"_Whatever, let's just hear the Korean legend that Jack is about to explain to Ethan." Soul said._

"Long ago, there lived great serpents called Imoogis. They lived in heavens above their legion of followers. Every five hundred years, one Imoogi is rewarded for its good deeds…with a chance to become a celestial dragon." Jack raises his hands into the air. "In order to become a celestial dragon, the Imoogi needed to receive from heaven, the gift of the Yuh Yi Joo."

"_Yuh Yi Joo? Sounds like some rejected product from the Coca-Cola Company." TD said._

"It's the strength and power of the Yuh Yi Joo that allows an Imoogi to transform into a dragon."

* * *

"Sorry to steal Kasumi Kinomoto's trademark running gag but…" Darren then shouted while pumping his fists, causing Soul, Edge and TD to cover their ears. "REDUNDANCY!" He lowers down his fists. "Seriously, he says 'dragon' within three sentences in a row, showing just how bad the movie's writing is!"

* * *

"Only, there was among the great serpents, an evil one…Buraki." Jack said. "Its followers desire to possess it, and this…Heaven could not allow."

We then cut to a flashback from Ancient Korea in year 1507.

* * *

"Oooookay…" Soul said with a puzzled look on his face. Darren, Soul, Edge all look equally confused as well. "So we are in a flashback…in a flashback? Six minutes into the movie and you already broke one of the biggest rules in film!"

* * *

"It was decided to hide the Yuh Yi Joo on Earth…" Jack explained. "All heaven could do was to send down its best warriors, Haram and his master Bochun, to protect it at all costs from the Buraki…"

* * *

"I'm sorry, but really?!" TD said, looking baffled. "Heaven is going to endanger MILLIONS of innocent lives by hiding this sacred power onto a small Korean village on Earth? And sending down two human warriors to protect it from an evil giant serpent is really ALL the almighty heaven could do?! Geez." He looks skyward and prayed. "I'm sorry God for insulting you but the version of Heaven in this film is REALLY incompetent."

* * *

We see the village landlord looking worried as he walks up and down the corridors of his palace. "Unfortunately, the evil Buraki…also knew where to find the Yuh Yi Joo."

We cut back to the present as young Ethan asked Jack, "What are you talking about?"

* * *

"UNDERSTATEMENT!" Darren, Soul, Edge and TD all yelled in unison.

* * *

"_The landlord's wife died giving birth to Narin, a girl who is born with a dragon tattoo on her shoulder, which means she's the one who possesses the Yuh Yi Joo and has to be sacrificed to the good Imoogi when she reaches the age of 20." Darren said._

* * *

"You know…" Darren said, rolling his eyes. "When I said that out loud, I realized how both cruel and idiotic Heaven actually is. I mean all of the things they could have put this Yuh Yi Joo in like in a cave or something, they have to put it into an innocent girl who has done nothing wrong in her life and she has to be sacrificed as soon as she turns 20. You know Heaven, there's got to be a BETTER way to do this than sacrificing an innocent life!"

* * *

_"The landlord agrees to put his daughter Narin under Haram's protection. With the power of EXTREME laziness, Narin immediately falls in love with Haram within just ONE SCENE to do it justice." Edge said. "Great work guys."_

"_We cut to Haram training with his master Bochun, who looks like a Korean Gandalf. Here, we actually see some very impressive Korean martial arts from these two warriors. It's actually pretty cool." Soul said. "And thank God they show this to us because how long are they going to use these fighting skills to fight against the villains later on?"_

_**30 SECONDS**_

* * *

"A measly half a minute. Charming." Soul said sarcastically while looking bored.

* * *

"_After the training, we see Haram and Bochun walking over to the fountain and we see the good Imoogi for the very first time. I hope you enjoyed the Good Imoogi's six-second screen time because after that, we won't be seeing him again until the final climax." Darren said._

"_After that, Bochun gives Haram a pendant from Heaven, which is the same necklace we saw with Ethan earlier." TD said._

"_Soon after, the evil Buraki begins its attack on the village by using…what?" Edge said, sounding baffled. "THE SOLDIERS OF MORDOR?!"_

* * *

We now see Edge looking extremely livid. "HOW DARE THEY?! HOW DARE THEY STEAL THE SOLDIERS OF MORDOR FROM THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY, ONE OF MY FAVORITE FANTASY MOVIES OF ALL TIME?! DOES NOT COMPUTE!"

"Please! Cal down Edge!" TD pleaded.

"And besides, I already did my own version of the Bat-Credit Card joke in my Art of Fighting review so let's not do it again." Darren added.

Edge rubs his temples and let out a sigh. "Okay fine…let's continue…"

* * *

"_Anyways, this plagiarizing rip off army of Mordor is called the Atrox Army. The Atrox Army then launch several big missiles onto the village, blowing up and destroying a huge portion of it." Darren said._

* * *

"I'm pretty sure you don't want to kill the woman you came here for but you are doing a damn good job at it!" Darren yelled.

* * *

"_The Atrox Army then storms into the village, looking for the woman with a dragon tattoo marked on her shoulder." Soul said. "Narin watched in horror as the army storms into her palace and her father tries to fight them."_

"Stop! How dare you break into my house!" The landlord yelled angrily. His servant yells as he charges at one of the soldiers with his sickle but the soldier easily kills him by swinging his sword. His father then charges at him with his sword but the soldier easily slashes him by swinging his sword again.

"Father!" Narin cried as she rushes over to her injured father.

* * *

The four boys chuckled in amusement. "Isn't it obvious that their blades didn't even made contact?" Edge asked.

"Also, where the hell are Haram and Bochun during all of this?" Soul said, sounding annoyed. "Hello guys! The villains are destroying the village and just captured Narin because you guys are no one to be found! Some great warriors from Heaven you two are!"

* * *

"_They captured Narin and take her away." Darren said. "But Haram and Bochun showed up FINALLY and attack the Atrox Army."_

As Bochun fights the soldiers, one Atrox soldier charges at him. Bochun turns to him, aims his palm at him and fires a fireball at him.

"_Really? First you ripped off Lord of the Rings, now you're ripping off Street Fighter?" Edge said._

"_Haram takes Narin away and defies Heaven by throwing his pendant away and runs away with the woman he loved." TD said. "Our hero ladies and gentlemen, an irresponsible person who defies Heaven and costs millions of innocent lives because he doesn't want to sacrifice Narin to the Good Imoogi."_

"_The Buraki chases after the two and both Haram and Narin commit suicide before he could eat them." Soul said._

* * *

"Do you know how long it's taken for the movie to go through ALL of this?" Darren asked. "FIFTEEN MINUTES! It took us fifteen minutes for this movie to explain to us this badly-writing prologue which shows how incompetent and idiotic both Heaven and our heroes are! And you know what the worse thing is? We haven't even gotten into the actual story of this movie yet!"

* * *

When he finishes the story, Jack drinks some tea from a bowl. "What happen next?" Ethan asked.

Jack puts down his bowl. "In the end, they died as star-crossed lovers." He said.

"_They died as star-crossed lovers while millions of innocent villagers died during the attack. Again, our legendary hero, everybody!" TD said._

"_Jack then hands Ethan the pendant of Heaven before revealing who he really is." Soul said._

"I know this isn't easy to believe but do you want to know something that's even harder to believe?" Jack asked. He then rolls up his sleeve, revealing a cut of his arm. The same cut Bochun had during the fight.

"I am Bochun, five hundred years ago." Jack said.

* * *

"And somehow, within those five hundred years, I transformed from a Korean Gandalf into a Caucasian man!" Darren said. "Something doesn't sound right."

* * *

"And you? You are Haram, the very warrior I raised." Jack said to Ethan. "This is your second life on Earth…and your second chance to protect Yuh Yi Joo."

"_Geez, I just remembered. Where is his father? I thought all he supposed to do is go down the street and ask for help. Why is that taking so long for him to do that?!" Edge said._

"_Jack tells Ethan he needs to find a girl named Sarah and when she turns 20, he must take her to the Grand Cave. Did Jack tell Ethan what Sarah's last name is? No. Did Jack tell Ethan where this Grand Cave is? No. Did Ethan and Jack ever see again after this? NO!" Darren yelled. "You know Jack, for being the wise mentor and master to Haram, you sure do suck at it five hundred years later!"_

"_The flashback comes to an end FINALLY and Ethan goes to see his co-worker Bruce, played by Craig Robinson." TD said. "Ethan, being the PROFESSIONAL reporter he is, completely believes this unbelievable bullshit myth and follows the story as such."_

"Hold on man, rewind." Bruce said to Ethan.

"We got to find the girl." Ethan said to him.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I think she's somehow linked to the accident."

"Who's she?"

Ethan paused for a moment, before saying, "The girl."

"_Bruce agrees to help Ethan and searches for Sarah." Darren said._

"What's her name?" Bruce asked.

"I think um…" Ethan thought very hard. "Sarah…"

"Okay." Bruce types on his laptop. "Does Sarah have a last name?"

"I don't know." Ethan said.

"That's great. You're a great reporter; did I ever tell you that?" Bruce asked.

* * *

"We agree with you Bruce. Ethan still has yet to do something competent in this film and right now, he's being a really bad job being the film's protagonist." Soul said. Darren, TD and Edge nod their heads in agreement.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, we finally see Sarah. Sarah is exercising at a local gym when she sees Ethan's news report on TV, showing the scale. For some reason, she rushes back home and takes out her book in Korean she keeps in her drawer." TD said._

* * *

"Umm…Of course!" TD shrugged.

* * *

Brandy returns home to find Sarah sitting on the sofa, wrapping herself up with a blanket. She also sees several yellow scrolls pasted onto the wall.

"Sarah, what are these things?" Brandy asked, looking very confused right now. But Sarah did not answer. "What's going on?"

She walks over to her and asked again, "Sarah?"

"Brandy." Sarah finally spoke up.

"Are you okay?"

"Listen, something's happening and I'm really scared. And I know it sounds crazy but…these are the only things that can protect me." Sarah said to Brandy.

Brandy paused for a moment before saying, "Maybe you just need to get some rest."

"You don't believe me." Sarah said, shaking her head. "I'm telling you. Something really bad is going to happen!"

* * *

"_Sarah, I know you are really scared right now and how about you just TELL her why are you scared and what's really going to happen instead of just saying something as bland as 'Something really bad is going to happen'?" Darren said._

* * *

"Brandy tells her to get some rest and they'll go out for a drink later to make Sarah feel better…because everybody knows alcohol helps insane people feel better right? But Sarah doesn't feel well and goes back home. However, just as she leaves, some thugs attack her. But Jack suddenly shows up and beats up all three thugs by himself, including taking one out by just pushing him. And…he just walks off again." TD said.

* * *

"Why didn't Jack brings Sarah to Ethan if he knows where she is?!" Soul said.

"Because we need a more contrived reason to get them together." Darren said to Soul, nodding his head.

"But still, for a guy who is sent by Heaven to protect the Yuh Yi Joo, he sure is doing a damn good job NOT helping Ethan AT ALL!" Edge said, sounding angry.

* * *

"_After that, we cut to the zoo where we see this fat zookeeper who is obviously the film's comic relief waking up to hear some elephants screaming. He comes out to find that the evil Buraki is eating them. The Buraki roars at him, causing him to run away in panic." TD said. "Why didn't the Buraki eat the zookeeper? No idea. Then we cut to the police station with a policeman questioning Sarah."_

"Are you saying that this old man knock those three guys all by himself and then just ran off?" The policeman asked.

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Sarah shrugged.

"Oh hey!" A reporter asked as he walks into the office and walks over to Sarah. "You must be Sarah! The girl who beat up those three thugs!"

* * *

"Why is there a reporter in the police station?!" Soul asked. "And didn't you heard what they said? She DIDN'T beat up those guys, you deafo!"

* * *

"_The reporter takes some photos of Sarah because a story about a girl beating up three thugs is TOTALLY a big story that deserves a spot on the front page!" TD said. "After that, we cut to Ethan walking into Jack's store. But what's weird about this is that a few minutes ago, we see an evil guy, and we know he is because he's wearing black, walks into Jack's store but it was never follow up on."_

* * *

"So clearly THIS is the other half of that scene." TD said.

* * *

"Jack?" Ethan called out to Jack as he walks through the shop. "Jack, it's me Ethan."

"Excuse me?" Ethan turns around to see the evil guy walking towards him.

"I'm looking for Jack." Ethan asked.

"_I don't know who you are but I'm just going to ask you questions anyway." Edge said._

The evil guy looks around and said, "There's no Jack here."

There was silence between the two for a moment before Ethan said, "Right."

"_Okay. I'll take that as an answer." Edge said shrugging. "TOTALLY not suspicious at all."_

As Ethan turns around, the evil guy sees his nametag and asked him in a different language. "Shouldn't you be looking for the Yuh Yi Joo?"

Ethan stops and turns back to the evil guy. "Excuse me?" He asked.

"_I understood you because I read the subtitles." Soul said._

Ethan sees several artifacts floating in the air, ready to attack him. Ethan tries to run away and suddenly, he wakes up in his office, realizing it was just a dream.

* * *

"Thanks for wasting our time movie!" Darren deadpanned with a deep frown. Soul, Edge and TD all frown as well. "It's not like you already are after that fifteen-minute long prologue."

* * *

"_Bruce is still having trouble finding Sarah but that doesn't matter because here comes contrivance as the reporter walks into the office with his scoop, leading Ethan right to her. More lazy writing I see." Edge said. "After that, we cut back to the police station again to see the policeman questioning the fat zookeeper this time. The zookeeper tells them about the Buraki but of course, they don't believe and sends him to the asylum."_

* * *

"First of all, clearly this GIANT SERPENT is travelling around Los Angeles, the second most-populated city in the United States, so how come NOBODY else has seen it?!" Edge asked annoyed. "And second, surely there are CCTVs installed back in the zoo!" He rubs his temples. "Jesus Christ, all this subplot does is to provide more plot holes and make this film generally more annoying!"

* * *

We now cut to Sarah walking through a car park and over to her car. When she inserts her car keys into the car doors, she backs away in shock to see scales forming on her car. She turns around but bumps into a police officer.

"Oh, thank God! Did you see that?" Sarah asked. She paused and looks up, finding out that the police officer is the evil guy in disguise. The evil guy wraps his hand around Sarah's throat.

"You won't escape this time." He said to her. As Sarah struggles, the evil guy added as he draws out his sword, "Now you must…" He swings down his sword at her. "Die!"

Suddenly, Sarah wakes up from her bed, breathing heavily, realizing it was just a dream.

* * *

"CUT IT OUT WITH THE DREAM SEQUENCES!" Darren shouted. Soul, TD and Edge all look very annoyed as well.

* * *

"_Her birth mark starts giving her pain…for some reason." Soul said. "So she admits herself into hospital."_

The ambulance drives down the road, bringing Sarah to the hospital. They speed through a puddle of water, splashing some water onto a hobo. The hobo gets up and yelled angrily, "YOU LOUSY BUM!"

* * *

"Haha, how ironic." TD deadpanned as Darren, Soul and Edge look equally bored.

* * *

"_Brandy and her boyfriend Chris go to the hospital to visit Sarah. Probably the most bitchiest receptionist ever doesn't allow the two to visit her so they go back home to pick up her things." Darren said._

As Brandy packs Sarah's stuff into a luggage, Chris picks up a pair of panties and smirks. "Ooh-la-la." Randy sees this, snatches the panties and slaps Chris.

"Cut it out!" She scolded.

"What?" Chris chuckled.

"Are you like five years old?"

"What's the rush?" Chris gets up from the bed.

"Oh Chris, she's in the hospital." Brandy said worried.

"Yeah I know." Chris cups Brandy's chin and they lean towards each other for a kiss. Suddenly, the house shakes and trembles. Chris and Brandy both look up. "Tell me that was an earthquake."

* * *

"Isn't an earthquake bad as well?" Darren asked.

* * *

Chris and Brandy run out of the house. "Sounds like something hit the side of the house!" Brandy said. They both look up and find the Buraki drinking water from the swimming pool. The Buraki looks up and roars at them, causing Brandy to scream in horror.

"_They both try to escape from the Buraki but the evil guy shows up and kills Chris. Brandy turns around and runs back to the Buraki, only to have the giant serpent eat her." TD said._

* * *

"Well, we're at the thirty-third minute mark and still nothing interesting has happened in this movie." Soul said, sounding bored. "Am I right, Darren?" He turns his head, but widens his eyes in shock. Darren has disappeared from the couch. Edge and TD turn their heads and look shocked as well.

"He vanished!" Edge cried.

"Where did he go?" TD asked.

* * *

Darren groans as he gets up and rubs the back of his head. He looks around and sees that he is now standing in the middle of a completely white room.

"Where the hell am I?" He asked.

"We finally meet, Darren."

Darren looks up and gasped. He sees a girl with blonde hair, tied to two ponytails, dressed in a black Lolita dress and carrying a black umbrella standing right in front of him.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Sovereign: Stay tuned for part 2 folks. Read and review!**


	19. D-War AKA Dragon Wars Part 2

**Sovereign: Here it is guys, the second part of my review. And sadly, this will be the last review I will EVER write for the Mercenary Critic because I can't find anymore material for it. But now, let's get on with the review…**

_**Dragon Wars Part 2**_

Darren paused for a moment as he just stares awkwardly at the girl.

"Wh-who are you?" Darren asked, finally breaking the awkward silence.

"I'm Rachel Alucard." The girl, now known as Rachel, introduced herself. "And I'm here to give you a warning."

"Warning? What warning?" Darren arches an eyebrow.

"I'm here to warn you that this world…is coming to an end." Rachel said solemnly.

"End og the world?" Darren said. "I thought we all survived 21st December 2012."

"No Darren. The end of the world is still inevitable." Rachel said. "A great evil shall come down to this world and destroy all of humanity."

"And what's this…evil you say…" Darren asked.

"We don't know." Rachel said frowning. "We cannot tell what this evil we foresee is. But only you can…"

"Oh I see." Darren said nodding his head. "I'm the chosen one to stop this evil. How cliché."

Rachel sighs and droops her arms, lowering her umbrella. "Yeah, you get the idea." She rolls his eyes. Then, she holds up her umbrella and narrows her eyes at Darren again, going back to her solemn expression. "But still, this world is coming to an end and only you can stop it."

"How do I do that?" Darren asked.

"By just finding what is this evil is and then destroy it." Rachel shrugs.

"That's it? Just find and destroy?"

"Yes." Rachel nods her head.

"But I don't know what this evil is at all!" Darren said. "Surely there should be some clue you can give to me!"

"Well…it has something to do with a movie that is being watched in the present right now." Rachel said.

"That's it?" Darren asked.

"Yes." Rachel nods again. "NOW BEGONE!"

Then, everything went white.

* * *

Soul, Edge and TD jumped in surprise as Darren magically reappears on the couch between them.

"Whoa! Darren, where have you been?" Soul asked.

"I…I was visited by this goth girl." Darren answered.

"Goth girl? What did she say to you?" TD asked.

"She said…" Darren rubs his chin. "Something is coming to destroy our world and I have to find it and save the world."

"Did she give you any clues what this evil is?" Edge asked.

"It's something…to do with a movie that's being watched right now!" Darren said out loud.

"Maybe it's this movie?" Soul asked, holding the DVD of Dragon Wars.

Darren paused for a moment before saying, "Maybe…"

"Soooooo….should we continue watching the movie?" TD asked.

"YES!" Darren yelled, looking back at the TV.

"Okay." Soul shrugs.

"Sure." TD nods his head.

"Huh, glad you point that detail to us Darren." Edge said, putting his hands at the back of his head.

* * *

"_Okay, back to the movie. We see Sarah waking up the next morning, only to find out she's being locked up in her ward under police guard." Darren said. "Hmmm, maybe it's because the police found out her friend is dead. Maybe people are FINALLY being aware of the Buraki's presence."_

"Hello?" Sarah said as she frantically tries to open the door but to no avail. "PLEASE! YOU GOT TO LET ME OUT!" She now yells as she slams her hands onto the door. "IS ANYONE THERE? PLEASE, OPEN THE DOOR! SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN, PLEASE!"

* * *

"Again Sarah, TELL THEM WHAT IS TERRIBLE THING IS!" Darren shouted.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, Ethan finally finds the Sarah he's been looking and he receives a call that her house was attacked last night. So Ethan and Bruce quickly drive over to her house, only to see Brandy's dead body. Then he asked a woman which hospital Sarah's been admitted to and leaves." TD said._

* * *

"Why doesn't he just get that information back at the news office?" TD asked, arching an eyebrow.

* * *

"_So Ethan goes to the hospital and asked the bitch receptionist that he's looking for Sarah." Soul said._

"Hi, I'm here to see a patient named Sarah Daniels." Ethan said.

"She's under quarantine. Absolutely no visitors." The receptionist said with a smug look.

"_What? She's under quarantine? For what?" Darren asked._

"Look, I'm a member of the press." Ethan said, holding up his press card and hoping this will help him gain access to Sarah's ward.

The receptionist swifts her eyes from side to side before saying to Ethan, "You really shouldn't be saying anything but she's been under quarantine because of an unidentified mark on her body that may be an infection."

* * *

"Pffffft, WHAT?!" Darren yelled in annoyance. "Sarah's birth mark is an infection?! Where in the doctors' tiny brains make them think a BIRTH MARK, is an infection?! THIS IS STUPID!"

"Also, this means that the other people besides Ethan STILL don't know that the Buraki is travelling around LA after all!" Edge added. "So much for that!"

* * *

"_Of course, the bitch receptionist still refused to allow Ethan to enter." Soul said. "Meanwhile, we're back to the comic relief zookeeper who's in another part of the hospital. He once again tries to convince people that he saw the Buraki but the therapist of course, doesn't believe him and continues applying her lipstick. Jesus, is there anybody in this hospital who is NOT a dickhead?"_

"_Ethan was about to leave when suddenly, a doctor appears to him and guides him to Sarah's ward. And despite being under quarantine, the security guard lets Ethan in anyways." Edge said._

* * *

"GOD! This movie makes no sense!" Edge yelled, clutching his head in pain. "First, Ethan easily finds Sarah, then goes all the way to her house just to find out which hospital she's at, then he can just go into her ward despite being under quarantine! It's obvious this script is written by people suffering from ADD!"

* * *

"_Ethan and Sarah meet each other for the first time and at this time; you will all start to notice one of the film's biggest problem besides the lazy and bad writing. All of the film's actors look bored throughout the entire film!" Darren yelled. "Seriously, you think Ethan and Sarah would show some emotion when they see each other for the first time! But no! They just stare at each other with dull expressions! In fact it's not just here either! The earlier scene where Jack tells the dumbass story to young Ethan, he doesn't show any real emotions whatsoever when we watched him tell the story. That's well people would find it really uncomfortable when they first saw this scene, thinking that Jack is a creepy pedophile. Bruce also doesn't show any emotions despite one scene where he's supposed to be frustrated with Ethan, but when he shouts at him, it doesn't really show any anger in his tone whatsoever. Throughout this entire shitstorm of a movie, nobody ever shows any real emotion whatsoever and just stay as one-dimensional characters! The ONLY character who does show any real emotions in this film is Brandy, and too bad she only appears in one or two scenes before dying!"_

"_So Ethan and Sarah just awkwardly exchange a few words of dialogue when suddenly, the Buraki is now circling around the hospital. AGAIN, nobody notices this at all!" TD said. "Is this the 28 Days Later version of Los Angeles?!"_

As a nurse is untying the restraining jacket that the zookeeper is wearing, the zookeeper widens his eyes as he sees the Buraki outside the window.

"I hate to say this…but the giant snake is in this hospital right now." The zookeeper said. "Look! He closes his eyes and turns away. "At your window!"

The Buraki then moves away from the window and out of view, just in time too as when the therapist turns to her window, she sees nothing. The therapist turns back to the zookeeper and sighed in annoyance.

"Tie him again. He needs to be hospitalized." The therapist said. The zookeeper opens his eyes and groans.

"OH GOD!" The zookeeper yelled as the nurse ties the restraints again. "COME ON! I SWEAR!"

* * *

"Hooray!" Soul said, clapping his hands. "That entire zookeeper subplot was all worth it for this cliché 'look behind you' joke!"

* * *

The doctor bursts into Sarah's ward as the alarm rang throughout the entire hospital. "You got to get Sarah out of here, quick!" The doctor said to Ethan and Sarah.

* * *

"Wait what?" Darren widens his eyes. "Has the doctor finally become aware of the film's plot?"

* * *

"_After the doctor helps Ethan and Sarah escape, it turns out the doctor is Jack." Edge said. "So what, does Bochun has shape shifting powers now?"_

"_Ethan and Sarah get into Bruce's car, just as the Buraki bursts into the car park and chases after all." Soul said. "Oh and it seems Bruce clearly hasn't had enough wee to imagine he's being chased by a giant serpent right now."_

* * *

"What's that?" Soul deadpanned, turning his head with a dull and bored expression on his face. "A giant serpent is chasing after us? Okay." He shrugged as he turns back to the front and pretends he's driving.

* * *

"_As soon as the three leave the hospital's car park, the Buraki just…stops and hisses." Edge said._

* * *

"Are you kidding me?! This GIANT SERPENT couldn't catch up to a car?!" Edge yelled angrily. "This serpent is as incompetent as The Fallen from _Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen_!"

"REDUNDANCY!" Darren shouted, pumping his fists up in the air.

"Oh shut up!" Edge yelled at Darren in annoyance.

* * *

"_Ethan, Sarah and Bruce continue driving down the road until they crash into the evil guy from earlier." TD said._

* * *

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" All four laughed out loud.

"WOW. That effect when the evil guy gets hit by Bruce's car look SO DAMN fake!" Soul laughed in amusement.

* * *

"_So it turns out that the evil guy is the Atrox Army leader. The leader tries to get up and take Sarah away but Bruce gets out of the car and holds up a gun, because all news cameramen carry guns right?" Soul said._

Bruce just stood where he is until the Atrox Army leader summons his shield. After that, Bruce finally starts firing his gun, only to have the bullets being deflected by the leader's shield. He kept shooting until he ran out of bullets.

"_Yeah, you should have shot him before he gets out his shield or shoot him at his legs or something, dumbass." TD said._

"So our hero tries to fight the Atroy Army leader with…a plank of wood. I know what's going to happen…" Darren said.

Ethan slams the wood onto the leader's back, but the wood breaks in half. The leader turns around and grabs Ethan by his throat.

* * *

"Well, I knew it." Darren shrugs.

"Sheesh, this hero is as incompetent as Batthan's Ethan Tidwell!" Edge said. Then, he widens his eyes. "Wait a minute. That's it! Ethan Kendrick is like Ethan Tidwell! Both of them are useless heroes who just take precious screen-time away from other characters who ACTUALLY do something! At least Jack was able to take out a few thugs but this guy on the other hand doesn't know how to fight at all! Both of them are as three-dimensional as a square!"

"Ethan Kendrick everybody!" TD said, spreading out his arms. "Korea's answer to Batthan!"

* * *

"_Oh look! Even Bruce is now competent than Ethan because he manage to steal the Atrox Army leader's sword. But the Atrox Army leader makes his sword disappears and easily knocks out Bruce." Edge said. "The Atrox Army leader then…walks over to the middle of the road and gets knock out by another car and the effect is even faker this time."_

* * *

"And we have NO idea WHY is he walking down the middle of the road in the first place. You may argue he's trying to get Sarah while our heroes are down but he ISN'T because he's clearly walking over to the car's path." Edge said, folding his arms.

"OH LOOK!" Darren said as he points his finger to his right. "HEADLIGHTS!" He gets up and pretends to get hit by an oncoming vehicle.

* * *

"_After Ethan and Sarah escape, the FBI received word that Sarah Daniels has gone missing from the hospital." Darren said. "Yeah, this is something we didn't point out earlier. Throughout the film, the FBI is looking for Sarah because they believe she's linked to the incident in LA. But EVERY TIME we cut to the FBI, they only appear on screen for thirty seconds before we cut back to Ethan or somebody else."_

* * *

"What is the reason for this?" TD asked.

Soul rubs his chin for a moment before saying, "Maybe because the entire FBI subplot is…pointless." Darren, TD and Edge turn to Soul and stare at him. "What? It may be true. If they only had a few minutes of screen time, that means…they're just there." Soul shrugged.

Darren, TD and Edge continue staring at Soul for a few seconds before they laughed.

"No no, that can't be true." TD said.

"Yeah, I'm sure they will eventually do something in this film." Darren added.

"Yeah, come on Soul." Edge said, shaking his head.

"Whatever." Soul rolls his eyes.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, the Atrox Army leader goes to Jack's store and summons his army from the scrolls so that he can help the Buraki." Soul said._

* * *

"So, if Jack has trapped the entire Atrox Army into the scrolls, why doesn't he just burn the scrolls?" Soul said.

"Because it makes too much sense!" Darren answered before he, Soul, Edge and TD slap themselves on their heads.

* * *

"_By the way, you got to LOVE the names of these evil creatures. Buraki, Atrox Army, Dawdler, and Bulcos. All of them not sounding creative at the slightest. It's like they got all these names from amateur novel writers or people who claim to be fans of the Fantasy genre but they actually lack knowledge of it." Edge said._

"_The next day, the driver of the car drops Ethan and Sarah off. Of course, Ethan doesn't find it suspicious AT ALL that this woman is helping them." TD said. "And then we find out that the woman is actually Jack in disguise."_

* * *

"Good lord! This Jack is like a Deus Ex Machina machine!" Darren said.

"And really Jack? Are you really NOT going to train Ethan to fight the Buraki and Atrox Army or telling him where the Good Imoogi and the Grand Cave is? Sir, our world is about to be destroyed and you are not training our hero!" Edge yelled.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense visits the FBI and upon arriving, they tell him the information they have gathered about the Buraki." Soul said._

"This thing that is causing all the havoc…" The secretary said. "What do we know about it?"

"It appears this creature seems reptilian but our zoology experts don't know what it is." A young male FBI agent said to him. "On the basis of its size and speed and the makeup of its scales…we can only conclude its foreign in nature."

* * *

"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" All four yelled in unison.

"A creature that is giant-sized, fast-speed and has scales that nobody has seen before is foreign in nature? Who would have thought?" TD said melodramatically, placing his hands on his cheeks.

* * *

"Could be a prehistoric animal…"A female FBI agent said to the secretary as she stood up. She paused for a moment before saying, "Well sir um…some of our agents have found some similarities to…and old legend."

"A legend?" The secretary said.

* * *

"Oh, so the FBI, America's most intelligent governmental agency, deduces that the creature is from an old legend eh?" Darren said before shrugging. "I guess that works."

* * *

"_The FBI deduced they need to find Sarah and start their search." Soul said._

"_Meanwhile, Ethan and Sarah are trying to figure out what is going on. Wha-why? Didn't Sarah already know something terrible is going to happen and Ethan now knows that the Buraki is real? WHAT THE HELL?!" Darren yelled._

"What if I'm the cause, the reason for all of this?" Sarah said hoarsely.

"Sarah…" Ethan said as he places his hand on her shoulder. "You know it's not true."

* * *

"YES IT'S TRUE!" TD shouted. "SHE'S THE YUH YI JOO AND HAS THE SACRED POWER WHICH THE BURAKI IS LOOKING FOR!"

* * *

"_And then the two start kissing each other." Soul said._

* * *

"I know they love each other in their previous lives but they only known each other for a couple of hours!" Soul yelled in annoyance.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, the US army arrives at the cave where the Buraki is hiding. Wow, that was quick. If they were that fast, they could have found Osama within a few days into the war against terrorism!" Darren said._

The soldiers cautiously walk into the cave until they reach a deep hole. Suddenly, the Buraki emerges from the hole causing the soldiers to scream in panic and run away.

* * *

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" TD shouted, flailing his arms wildly. "RUN AWAY! It's not like we have guns or anything! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

* * *

"_But when they actually do use their guns however…" TD said._

After the soldiers run out of the cave, they randomly shoot their guns into the air.

"_Um guys, only start shooting when the Buraki is out of the cave!" Darren yelled._

When the Buraki comes out of the cave, the soldiers continue firing their rifles as they move away. They then turn around and see several dead soldiers lying on the ground and their helicopter has been shot down. They now fire their rifles at the Atrox Army who are blocking their bullets with their shields.

"_Yeah guys um, unless you have armor-piercing rounds, I don't think firing bullets at people with heavy metal armor and stainless steel shields is a good idea!" Soul said._

As the soldiers continue firing, the Atrox Army leader swings his sword, causing an explosion which kills all the remaining soldiers.

* * *

"You know, there's something I don't get. The Atrox Army is only armed with swords and shield. Nothing else. And yet…they still manage to kill an entire army armed with rifles and shotguns and also somehow managed to destroy a helicopter while it's still in midair!" Darren said. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!"

* * *

"_Meanwhile, Ethan takes Sarah to a hypnotherapist who is his friend. God, this is stupid." Soul said. "As Sarah closes her eyes, she has visions of her childhood and her previous life and pulls off an exorcism by floating above the bed. But uh-oh! Here comes the Buraki!"_

"We got to go!" Ethan said to the hypnotherapist as he runs out of the house with Sarah.

* * *

"We are going to leave you to die now, bye!" Soul said as he waves his hand goodbye.

* * *

After Ethan and Sarah run away, the Buraki smashes though the hypnotherapist's house.

"_Wow, another life taken away. You truly are the suckiest hero ever, Ethan." Edge said._

"_Ethan and Sarah drives off in a pizza delivery truck with the Buraki chasing them from behind. Then…the Buraki stops __**AGAIN**__." TD said._

* * *

"I'm sorry! We still can't get over how a giant serpent couldn't catch up to a normal automated vehicle! It's just impossible!" TD yelled in frustration.

"And yes people, that whole scene with the hypnotherapy is completely pointless!" Darren said, nodding his head. "I sure do love movies which give us mindless padding just to fill up the 90 minute mark!"

* * *

"_Ethan calls Bruce to get a helicopter so that he and Sarah can fly out of the city. Our hero ladies and gentlemen! Running away from battle like a coward!" Soul said. "Seriously, he and Batthan should hang out together some time."_

"_Before Ethan leaves, Bruce hands him a gun, although it's hard to tell because of the distant camera angles." Darren said._

* * *

"But don't worry if you miss it because he never uses it later on." Darren said.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen…" Soul said. "Get ready for an entire one-minute scene that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Are you ready?"

* * *

'_She has the Yuh Yi Joo…'_ Ethan thought as he puts the gun into his pocket. _'But I must change her fate.'_

"Ethan." A voice said. Ethan turns around and sees Jack walking over to him.

"_Oh hey Jack! Where the hell have you been when Ethan and Sarah were being chased by the Buraki?!" TD yelled._

"There's no place you can take her that will allow her to escape her destiny." Jack added.

"_Wow…that's both dark and cruel. Why is he a Heavenly warrior again?" Edge said._

"Don't be foolish this time; you must take her to the Grand Cave!"

"_WHY NOT TELL HIM WHERE THIS GRAND CAVE IS, GOD DAMMIT?!" Darren shouted in annoyance._

"I'm getting real tired of this destiny crap, Jack." Ethan said in a dull tone.

"_Yup, I'm very angry with you Jack. Do you notice the anger in my tone?" Soul said in a monotone voice._

"Let me handle this my way."

"_Yeah, I'm going to put 7 billion of lives at risk just so that I can spend years finding a way to save one single life without sacrificing her to the Good Imoogi!" TD said._

"Ethan…" Jack said. "You and I have been given a great honor. To save this world from a dreadful fate."

"_If you have the honor to save this world, why aren't you doing your part to help Ethan and Sarah then, you idiotic hypocrite?!" Edge yelled._

"Deny this…and you will deny yourself everything…" Jack added. "Even the girl."

"_Yup, by not letting Sarah get sacrificed to the Good Imoogi, I not only deny to save the world but also deny to save Sarah!" Darren said. "Wait, what?"_

Ethan remained silent for a moment, before gently pushing Jack aside and leaves the kitchen.

* * *

All four looked annoyed as they sat silently on their couch.

"This movie can go literally fuck itself for that one minute of stupidity." Darren spoke up.

* * *

"_The evil Buraki appears again and Ethan and Sarah run into Bruce AGAIN." Darren said._

* * *

"What is the point of having him leave and then run into him two minutes later?!" Darren yelled. "This movie's writing is so sloppy!"

* * *

"_But then that turns out to be pointless because just thirty seconds later, the Buraki tosses a car over to Bruce's car and blocks it path." TD said._

* * *

"Did the writers have ADD?! They seem incompetent in focusing on anything beyond a couple of minutes!" TD yelled.

* * *

Just as Ethan and Sarah get out of the car, the Buraki roars at them. The two hug each other while the Buraki slithers over to them and sneers at them ferociously. Suddenly, a group of policemen fire their guns at them, prompting the Buraki to back away from the two and roar at the police. Ethan and Sarah quickly take this chance to escape.

* * *

"Oh yeah, maybe I should have just eat them instead of just sneer at them." Soul said before slapping himself stupid.

* * *

"_Meanwhile, the Atrox Army leader makes his speech to his…"Edge sighed. "Mordor ripoff army."_

"We must possess the Yuh Yi Joo." The Atrox Army leader said to his soldiers. "500 years we've waited for another chance to change destiny. Without fail, we must deliver her to our altar where the Buraki awaits to transform into a dragon!"

**We cut to a scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.**

"**A new power is rising!" Saruman yelled to his Uruk-hai army from the balcony of his tower. "It's victory is at hand!" The Uruk-hai army stomps in response.**

* * *

"_Meanwhile, Ethan and Sarah run to the top of the US Bank Tower where the helicopter is waiting for them. The Buraki heads over to the tower while crashing through tons of vehicles, thanks to Ethan for choosing not saving Los Angeles, and upon arriving, he climbs up and heads towards the top where the helicopter is waiting." Darren said._

"All units to Liberty Building!" A policeman said into his radio while sitting in his police car.

Meanwhile, the FBI agents heard his voice through their radio in their car. "Repeat! I need all units to Liberty Building!"

* * *

"It's the **Library Tower**, NOT the Liberty Building, dumbasses!" Darren shouted.

* * *

"_Ethan and Sarah boards into the helicopter and take off. However, just as they do so, the Buraki caught up to them and bites the helicopter. Ethan and Sarah jumps off before the Buraki throws it to the ground." Soul said. "The Buraki continues roaring again instead of just, you know, eat them when suddenly the army helicopters arrive, firing at the giant serpent and we get ourselves our King Kong moment."_

* * *

"We would rather watch the 70's version than this garbage!" Soul said.

* * *

"_And now, what follows next is a battle scene that lasts for TEN FRICKING MINUTES as the US army engages with the Atrox Army. This is clearly the real purpose of this movie as several scenes from this battle are shown in the official trailer." Darren said. "All we see is US Army helicopters and Bulcos firing at each other, the Atrox Army and their Dawdlers somehow defeating the US soldiers and their tanks even though the US Army has RIFLES and TANKS while the Atrox Army foot soldiers just have swords and explosions occurring everywhere in Los Angeles. And what does our hero Ethan do during all of this? Just hiding and running away with Sarah. So much for being the reincarnation of Haram huh?"_

"_But even though this entire battle scene is impressive and has more carnage than a Michael Bay movie, it is COMPLETELY irrelevant to the plot!" TD said._

* * *

"Since the main focus of this movie was the US Army and the Atrox Army fighting each other, why didn't they just make this film about the two armies fighting each other instead of adding some bullshit story about the Imoogis and the Yuh Yi Joo?!" Soul said.

* * *

_Edge sighed and said, "It just keeps going on and on and on and on until this battle scene just becomes boring and mind-numbingly repetitive. Can we just go back to the main story now?!"_

"_In the middle of this, the FBI agents found Ethan and Sarah and take them away from the fight. But when they bring them to a warehouse, it turns out one of the FBI agents is planning to kill Sarah." Soul said._

"This is your solution?" Ethan asked in shock.

"We know about Yuh Yi Joo. Filed under sophisticated paranormal unit." The FBI agent said.

"You can't do this. This is insane!" Ethan said. "You're the FBI!"

* * *

"Actually Ethan," Darren said. "Not trying to be an ass but…isn't that a great idea? I mean think about it, if they kill Sarah now, they can make the Buraki and the Atrox Army go away and prevent more people from getting killed. The End!"

"Yeah, that's true! And since you're doing absolutely nothing to save our world, Ethan, maybe it's best if they just go right ahead and kill Sarah!" TD said. "Do it FBI!"

* * *

After the FBI agent push Ethan away from Sarah, he and the girl just stare at each other.

"Look, if you kill her, those creatures will still come back." Ethan said.

"Right, in another 500 years." The FBI agent said.

"_EXACTLY!" The four yelled in unison._

"The FBI agent then takes out his gun and tries to shoot Sarah. But Ethan quickly gets in the way and gets shot in the shoulder. And Sarah…doesn't seem to show any emotion that Ethan got shot and that the agent is about to kill her." Soul said. "At this point, let's just get over it."

"The other FBI agent however shoots the agent, saving Sarah and Ethan. Ethan gets up perfectly fine DESPITE BEING SHOT IN THE SHOULDER and the agent gives them his car keys, letting them go." Edge said.

* * *

"Which means…" Darren gapes his mouth open, realizing the horrible truth. "The ENTIRE FBI subplot was…POINTLESS?!"

"Ha! I knew it!" Soul said, pumping his fist into the air.

"OH COME ON!" Darren, TD and Edge whined.

"YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!" Edge yelled.

"Well done movie! At this point, I'm now TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!" Darren shouted angrily.

* * *

"_Ethan and Sarah plan to drive all the way to Mexico." TD said._

"Is this my fate Ethan?" Sarah asked sadly as she sat next to Ethan.

"Fate is what brought me to you." Ethan said to her while driving. "There's a Korean proverb that says 'Only meeting a person by chance makes an everlasting bond.'"

* * *

"Ummm, since when are you fascinated by Korean proverbs, Ethan?" Soul said.

* * *

"We can change fate…" Ethan said. "We can change our destiny." He turns to Sarah. "Do you believe in me?"

* * *

"Ummm, seeing how incompetent you are throughout the entire film, I SHOULDN'T believe in you." Darren said.

* * *

"_After Sarah revealed today is her 20__th__ birthday, the Bulcos found them and attack the two. They managed to hit their car with their fire blasts and knocking the two unconscious. When Ethan wakes up, he's…" Edge gasped. "IN THE MIDDLE OF MORDOR?!"_

* * *

"Seriously! Peter Jackson should sue these bastards who made this film because the castle looks SO FUCKING IDENTICAL!" Edge shouted angrily.

* * *

"_Also, where the hell are we?! Are we still on Earth or are they now trapped in a horrible nightmare?!" TD shouted._

"_The Atrox Army gathered in front of the castle and takes Sarah over to the altar. The Buraki comes out and the army prepares to sacrifice Sarah so that he can become a dragon." Darren said. "Well, it looks like all hope is lost. Thanks to Ethan's ignorance for not accepting his destiny to save our world and Jack's uselessness in not helping Ethan and Sarah and guiding them to this Grand Cave throughout the entire film, I can tell the entire world is doomed. Nice going, dipshits."_

"SARAH!" Ethan shouted again when suddenly, his pendant glows brightly and lightning claps in the sky, causing the Atrox Army to turn their heads around, wondering what's going on.

* * *

"But wait, what's this?" Darren asked as he, TD, Soul and Edge lean closer to the screen.

* * *

Suddenly, a beam of bright light comes down from the sky and hits Ethan's pendant, causing a huge explosion throughout the castle. The Buraki and the Atrox Army fall to the ground after getting hit by the impact. The ground below the army then breaks apart, causing all the soldiers to plummet to their deaths. The impact also destroyed the castle and its statues and all the remaining Atrox Army soldiers and Dawdlers who are still lying on the ground are ignited by the explosion and they all burn into ash and fade away from existence.

* * *

Darren, Soul, TD and Edge all silently gape their mouths wide open as if their jaws have hit the ground. Then, the four yell in unison.

"WHAT…THE…**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCC CCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!**"

* * *

"_I mean, MY GOD! That is the absolutely WORST DEUS EX MACHINA I EVER SEEN! I mean forget Batthan's bullshit chains that neutralize Saiyans powers which he use in all of his gender-switch fanmakes, this…THIS IS DEPLORABLE! Ethan's pendant just SUDDENLY comes to life and wipes out the ENTIRE Atrox Army in one fatal blow! __**SUCK…MY…BALLS**__!" Darren shouted angrily._

* * *

"I…I just….UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!" Darren growls in frustration as he pulls his hair.

* * *

"_But somehow, the Atrox Army leader survived the explosion and tries to use his sword to kill Sarah. But wait, Ethan picks up a sword and fights the leader!" TD said. "Is this it? Will Ethan FINALLY has the balls to fight in this movie?!"_

Ethan and the Atrox Army leader get into the battle stances. The Atrox Army leader then swings his sword first. Ethan blocks it but the leader easily knocks him back and sends him falling down the stairs.

('Wah wah' music plays)

* * *

"THIS IS THE ABSOLUTELY WORST PROTAGONIST WE EVER SEEN IN OUR LIVES!" TD shouted.

* * *

"_The Atrox Army leader tries to kill Ethan but it's Deus Ex Bullshit time again as the leader accidentally swings his sword at the pendant which electrocutes him, killing him for good this time." Edge said._

* * *

"Seriously, this is super duper cheating!" Edge said. "How come the pendant didn't come to life BEFORE?! THIS MOVIE WOULD BE OVER!"

* * *

"_The Buraki wakes up as Ethan frees Sarah from the altar. Ethan tries to protect Sarah but the Buraki knocks him back, sending him falling down the stairs again." Darren said. "UGH! This hero makes Shinji Ikari look like Squall Leonhart!"_

"The Buraki tries to eat Sarah when suddenly, the Good Imoogi shows up and attacks him." Soul said.

* * *

"FINALLY! IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU SHOW UP! Where the hell have you been while the world is being damaged by the Buraki?!" Soul shouted.

"Ah well, at least now that the Buraki and the Good Imoogi are fighting each other, we finally get the Dragon Wars we are promised right?" TD said, smiling.

"Actually no." Darren said to TD. "Because neither are dragons yet!"

"DAMMIT!" TD yelled, slamming his fist onto the couch.

* * *

"_So the Buraki and the Good Imoogi engaged each other in a fight. But I don't know, their fight reminds me more of a snake orgy. I don't think parents will find this appropriate for kids." Edge said. "The Buraki defeats the Good Imoogi and even though he is going to destroy the world, Sarah just sacrificed the Yuh Yi Joo to him ANYWAY."_

"I knew this were to happen." Sarah said to Ethan in a dull expression. "They waited five hundred years for me. It's the only way."

* * *

"I just want to die now. Goodbye." Edge said dully and waving farewell.

* * *

"_Sarah then summons the Yuh Yi Joo in front of the Buraki and SOMEHOW, she redirects it to the Good Imoogi before she dies." Darren said. "At this point, don't even ask how. The two Imoogis fight each other again and this time, the Good Imoogi transforms into a proper Korean dragon."_

* * *

"FINALLY! EIGHTY-EIGHT MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE AND WE ACTUALLY SEE A DRAGON!" Darren shouted.

* * *

"_But don't get to attach because after a quick two-minute scuffle, the Dragon simply defeats the Buraki by shooting a fireball into his mouth, incinerating him." Soul said._

* * *

"So much for an awesome climax." Soul said, rolling his eyes.

* * *

"_The spirit of Sarah then reappears to Ethan." TD said._

"Ethan, don't be sad…" Sarah's spirit smiled at him. "I'll love you for all of eternity."

* * *

Darren, Soul, TD and Edge grab their mouths, quickly each grab a bucket and vomit into them.

* * *

_"The Dragon then takes the Yuh Yi Joo with him and after having a little cry, flies up to the heavens above." Darren said._

Ethan watched as the Dragon ascends up to heaven. When the sky becomes bright again and the Dragon is out of sight, Ethan is about to leave the area when suddenly, he hears a voice.

"You and I have been given a great honor. This is your destiny…"

Ethan turns around and sees Jack, who then fades away and disappears.

* * *

"OH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU USELESS BASTARD!" Darren shouted.

* * *

"_So Ethan walks away, hoping him could find a taxi in the middle of nowhere to take him back to Los Angeles, and the credits roll." Soul said._

* * *

"THIS!" Darren shouted. Then suddenly, he lies back on the couch and smiles. "This is actually the best movie I ever seen in a while."

He remain silent for a few seconds before he leans forward and shouts, "OF COURSE THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE IS THE ABSOLUTELY WORST PIECE OF SHIT I EVER SEEN!"

* * *

We see several scenes from the movie.

_"I mean my God! NINETY MINUTES OF DULL ACTING, BAD WRITING, AND POINTLESS SUBPLOTS THAT GO ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE!" Darren shouted._

_"The plot and dialogue are so horrendously cliché and badly written that you are better off reading Internet fanfictions. It also contains subplots which go absolutely nowhere and only serve to confuse the audience even further." Soul said._

_"All the actors' performances, with the exception of a few, are soooooo dull that you are wondering if the actors themselves feel bored throughout the entire running time or are just doing this to earn a quick paycheck." Edge said._

_"And the most insulting of all is the final part where we see the absolute worst Deus Ex Machina ever and a climax that fails to satisfy its audience at any level. And despite being called Dragon Wars, THERE IS ONLY ONE DRAGON and he only appears at the VERY END. It should have been called Serpent Wars." TD said._

* * *

"THIS MOVIE CAN LITERALLY GO FUCK ITSELF! THE END!" Darren yelled.

Suddenly, Darren, Soul, TD and Edge widen their eyes and look around as the building starts to shake and rumble.

"What's happening?!" Soul said.

Suddenly, Hurricane's Quill bursts into the room. "Guys! This is bad!" Quill said to the four.

"What's going on, Quill?" Edge asked.

"The headquarters and the city of Los Angeles is under attack by a giant serpent!" Quill shouted.

"WHAT?!" The four shouted in unison.

"Wow, this is ironic because we just finished watching a movie that is about a giant serpent attacking LA!" TD said.

Darren gasped and said, "OF COURSE!"

"What?" Soul, Quill, TD and Edge asked.

"IT'S THIS MOVIE!" Darren shuted, pointing at the DVD player. "The world is coming to an end because of this movie that is presently being watched! This is the movie that Rachel wanted me to destroy! If I don't destroy it, it shall be the end of the world!"

"How do we destroy it then?!" Edge asked Darren.

"Let me take him to the place where he can destroy it." A voice said. The five boys widen their eyes as Rachel magically appears in front of them.

"Darren!" Rachel said, taking the disc out of the DVD player and tosses it to Darren, who catches it. "We must destroy it!" She extends out her hand. "Come with me!"

"Okay!" Darren said before going over to Rachel. He then turns to Soul, Quill, Edge and TD. "This is it guys, wish me luck."

"Farewell Darren." TD said, saluting to him.

"Save our world godammit and don't be another Ethan Kendrick." Soul said solemnly.

"Got it!" Darren replied.

"It's been nice knowing you." Edge said, nodding his head.

"Hurry! Let's go!" Rachel said to Darren. Darren turns to the girl and grabs her hand. Rachel then teleports Darren and herself out of the building.

* * *

Rachel and Darren are now teleported to another building. Darren looks around and finds the building familiar.

"Wait? The Citadel from Mass Effect? What are we doing here?" Darren asked.

Rachel points her finger at something. Darren turns his head to the direction where Rachel is pointing and sees a huge beam of energy bursting out at the middle of the room.

"That is the Crucible. It's the only thing in existence that has the power to stop the end of the world." Rachel said.

"How do I activate it?" Darren asked. Rachel turns to him.

"By sacrificing yourself." She said solemnly. Darren widens his eyes.

"Wait…" Darren turns to Rachel. "Does that mean…I have to forfeit my life?"

Rachel frowned deeply and said to him, "Your time in this world has ended. It is time for you to go back to your own."

"My own?" Darren asked. "You mean this world I'm in…isn't really the world I lived in?" He looks down at the disc of Dragon Wars he has in his hand.

He looks back at Rachel and said, "But, my life in this world has been great." He looks up and looks back down at Rachel. "Okay, not TOTALLY great but still, I at least get to do something awesome in this world, fighting evil and all. What will happen to me if I go back to my real world? How is life going to be for me if I go back to my reality?"

Rachel closes her eyes and nods her head. "That is something I cannot answer. It is for you to discover on your own. But don't worry." She looks back at Darren and smiled. "After all the pain and suffering you went through in this world, it's best if you start a whole new life when you get back to your own reality. I'm sure within time, you WILL find happiness again. Never give up…and keep looking forward."

Darren looks back at the disc again, before looking back at Rachel.

"I've made my decision." He said.

"Do it." Rachel said.

Darren turns to the Crucible. Then, he takes a deep breath before sprinting towards the huge beam of energy. As he sprints, pieces of his memories in this world began to flash before his eyes.

_**Noel…Ragna…Erza…CC…Allelujah…TLSoulDude…Lion's Edge…Titanic Disaster…all smiling at him…**_

"Goodbye…everyone…"

Darren closes his eyes. He sprints faster until he reaches the edge. He then jumps off and plummets down to the bottom of the beam. As he does so, his body slowly burns into ash and the disc in his hand slowly incinerates in flames.

The movie is destroyed…

But so is Darren himself…

* * *

Meanwhile, the city of Los Angeles is suffering heavy damage. The Buraki roars loudly as TLSoulDude, Lion's Edge, Hurricane's Quill, Shadow DJ, JC 619, Titanic Disaster, the LAPD and the US Army try to fight back the evil monster.

Soul, Edge, Quill, Shadow, JC and TD fight back the monster with their powers and abilities. The Buraki looks down at them, ready to attack the heroes. But suddenly, lightning claps in the sky, causing the Buraki and the humans to look around puzzled. Then, a huge beam of light comes down from the sky and hits the Buraki. The Buraki screams in pain and agony as the heat and bright light slowly burns him. Soul, Edge, Quill, Shadow, JC, TD, the LAPD and the US Army cheered triumphantly as they watched the Buraki slowly incinerate and wiping itself away from existence.

* * *

The next day…

As everyone in Los Angeles are now busy fixing the damages the Buraki has caused yesterday, a statue was erected in front of the HQ. As TD, Soul, Edge, Shadow and JC stood in front of it, Quill removes the blanket, revealing a stone statue of Darren himself. They all clapped and couldn't help but shed a tear for their fallen hero.

"It's hard to believe he's gone…" TD said, hanging his head. JC places a hand on his back to comfort him.

Soul lets out a sigh. "Come on guys, we should be happy for him. At least now…" He looks skyward as a smile appears on his face. "He's in a better place…"

Edge nods his head in agreement. "We will never forget you Darren. Farewell…"

* * *

_Epilogue…_

Someone opened his eyes and squinted as the light burned into them. When his vision becomes clearer, he turns his head around to look where he's at. He soon realized he's in a hospital ward. Why?

He looks to the front and sees a girl resting her head on his lap.

"Sis?" He said.

The girl slowly wakes up and when her vision becomes clear, she gasped and widens her eyes in shock.

"Darren?"

Darren frowned at his sister and nods his head. "Yes. I'm here."

Tears freely fell from his sister's eyes. She quickly wipes them and wraps her arms around her brother. Darren hugs back his sister as she cries into his chest.

"It's been two years brother! Two years!" His sister sobbed.

"Two years? Am I really gone for that long?" Darren asked. His sister nodded. Suddenly, two more figures open the door and enter the ward. Darren looks up and sees the shocked expressions on his parents' faces.

"Darren?" His mother asked.

"Son?" His father added.

Darren smiled at them and nods his head. "Mom. Dad." He simply said. His parents go over to Darren and the entire family all gave each other and tearful reuniting hug.

"Guys…" Darren said as a smile appears on his face. "I'm back…"

* * *

One week later…

It's been three days since Darren is discharged from the hospital and he's back in his old room, lying on his bed.

"I can't believe I'm back…to reality…" He said to himself. He then gets up from his bed and leaves the room. As he leaves, he bumps into his sister.

"Hi brother!" His sister smiled at him.

"Yeah hi." Darren smiled back.

"Where are you going?"

Darren shrugged. "Just want to take a walk. It's been two years since I'm gone after all."

His sister nodded. "Good idea. After all, you really need to gain back your muscles and energy after being in a coma for so long."

Darren chuckled. "Bye, sis."

"Bye." He and his sister wave each other goodbye before Darren walks over to the door, put on his shoes and leaves the house.

* * *

Darren is now standing in front of the Singapore River with the magnificent view of the city of Singapore in his eyes. Darren feels both happy…and sad at the same time.

He is happy that he's back in reality and reunited with his family…but at the same time, he feels sad too that he has left the other world. But maybe…Rachel was right. After his breakup with Noel and his friends slowly leaving his group until he's all alone…maybe it's best if he just moved on as well.

Darren lets out a sigh before turning away from the river. Unfortunately, he doesn't see where he's going and accidentally knocks into another person. The bump causes the person to drop her books onto the ground.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" Darren panicked as he kneels down and quickly picks up the books for the girl.

"Oh no, it's okay! I'm the one at fault here!" The girl said as she picks up her own books as well. She speaks in a somewhat New Zealander accent.

"Oh no, I should be the one is blamed because I…" Darren was about to pick up a book when the girl touches his hand. Darren looks up finally seeing this girl. Upon first sight, he looks stunned.

The girl has green eyes and has long blonde hair. She wears a green sleeveless zipper shirt, a white shirt underneath it, grey shorts, brown belt with a silver buckle, black stockings and white boots.

'_She looks just like Noel…'_ He thought.

The girl smiles at him and said, "Please, don't blame yourself." She looks down and picks up her book. After she got back all her books, the two stood up and Darren hands her the books he picked up for her.

"Thanks for helping by the way." The girl thanked Darren, who nods his head. "What's your name?"

"Darren." Darren introduced himself. "You?"

"Alicia." Alicia smiled. "I'm on my way to an anime convention by the way."

Darren widens his eyes and said, "An anime convention is happening right now? Awesome! I love anime cons!"

Alicia laughed and shows him one of the books in her arms. "This is Ao No Exorcist, one of my favorite mangas."

Darren looks at the other books she's carrying and said, "So these books are mangas? And holy crap, there's also Fairy Tail and Gintama!"

Alicia laughed and said, "Well, I think I should be going now. It was nice knowing you." She walks pass Darren, but the boy spoke up, causing her to stop.

"Wait." Darren said to her. Alicia turns back to him. He smiled at her. "Mind if I join you?"

A smile appears on Alicia's face and she extends out her hand. "Sure."

Darren smiled warmly as he closes his eyes. _'You are right Rachel…I did find happiness again.'_

He looks back up at Alicia and takes her hand. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful new friendship." Alicia giggled.

Darren chuckled in response. "Of course." He said.

With that, the two hold hands and walk together, head their way to the convention.

'_Remember Darren…' A calm voice said. 'Keep looking forward…'_

**THE END**

**Sovereign: And that's the end of my D-War review and sadly…yes, the Mercenary critic has finally come to an end. So, what will the future hold for me? Well sadly, I don't think I will ever write Cartoon X-Overs stories again due to events in the past and I'll now focus on writing stories in other categories (Mostly Fairy Tail). But still, I would like to thank EVERYBODY who has reviewed the Mercenary Critic in the past. But now, it's time for me to put down my cap and retire…**

**Until we meet again…read and review…**


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